I Screwed Up?

[JST8828]

Dated a girl for a little over 3 months. Never official, although our online dating profiles were deleted after 2 months. Great sex. Great chemistry. Everything was beautiful. Then she left me for her ex of 2 years bc of history she said she needed to figure out. It was terrible. Then she texts me a week later with bs saying she's very sorry for what happened and that she misses me and still has feelings for me. She says her ex is not who she remembered him to be and now she's just "confused". She continues to text me the next day. I viewed this as monkey branching and was p-ssed off.

Instead of following the Corey Wayne kind of stuff(which I only found AFTER this all of course) and backing off, acting like it's not a big deal and telling her to only call or text me if it doesn't work out with her ex, I got kind of mad at all she was putting my emotions through and put pressure on her saying if you want me, come back to me. Long story short over the next few days of back and forth with this, it didn't work out and she started fading. Then I sent her a long text a few days later after no contact (sorry but I just into this girl) saying how I understand she had to close a chapter and I'd really like her back in my life soon. She told me she blew the ex off but she doesn't see this moving forward for us. After that its been a month now of complete no contact. She even deleted a pic of us that she posted to her social media. After that I eventually deleted her from social media. It was also just too hard to look at pics of her anymore.

So as awful as she was for tossing me aside for an ex and as wrong as she was for texting me a week later toying with my heart a bit, she DID like me and there could have possibly been something. Instead I put unnecessary pressure on her and handled everything the wrong non DJ type way. I really felt like this girl was something special and that I could have had her back but f-cked and what may have been. We did not fight ONCE in the 3 months we dated fyi. Having some serious regrets and thinking of sending off one final text:

Hey. I've been thinking about what happened between us and it wasn't the best idea for me to put all that pressure on you when you reached back out. We really had a nice time together and we shouldn't have let what happened ruin that. I hope all is well with you.

No questions. Not even any kind of hint that we should get back together. Just a genuine message that if nothing else will at least make me feel better in the end. If she responds she responds. I would not be devastated if she doesn't and am prepared to move on completely.

I know typically its technically the one who ENDS the relationship that needs to be the one to reach back out(her). This is what Coach Corey and everyone else says. But does anyone feel like this situation is a bit different?

Everyone's thoughts?

 

[The Diver]

She told ,,,,,,, she doesn't see this moving forward for us,,,,,,,. She even deleted a pic of us that she posted to her social media.

Dead end mate,move on. Any messages from you at that stage is begging,unless she'll contact you again, but even then you better not taking her back, you're her default not her first priority. it's smell sh*it.

 

[AbaGanov]

do not send that text. I repeat - DO NOT SEND IT.

first of all - why the f**k you are putting her on a pedestal as the victim here? she was acting horribly - playing you around and there is no reason to write an apology.

second: it's a bad text in general. after a period of no contact - you do not want to bring up the past or stir up some drama. by doing that you are missing the all effect of the no contact period of resting whatever happened and starting clean.

also you practically begging her to take you back, you show desperation, that you practically obsess with her and got nothing else going on. bad, bad, bad.

did I mention you should really NOT send that text to her?

the chances to get her back are very slim and if there are any - she have to reach out to you first.
I say just lay low , keep the no contact and move on with your life.

 

[JST8828]

Dead end mate,move on. Any messages from you at that stage is begging,unless she'll contact you again, but even then you better not taking her back, you're her default not her first priority.

Ok fair enough, but please understand and trust that this woman felt like something special to me in these 3 months. She didn't dump me bc I wasn't a good guy with no game. She said I was amazing. She left bc of unfinished history with an ex. This is a hard pill to swallow knowing that had I handled her return differently, who knows....

I mean do you understand that my thing is I likely PUSHED her away? A week before she told me she doesn't see things moving forward for us and deleted our pic on her social media, she was telling me she still had feelings for me. What happened in between then was me putting pressure on her and not handling things the right way. That is the conflict I have here. I f-cked it up in a way. That being said, even though I didn't handle this well, do you guys still feel that SHE should really be the one to reach back out no matter what? Would a simple Happy Birthday text be out of the question to see what her reaction may be? I know its technically against the no contact rules, but given the circumstances....

 

[AbaGanov]

please understand and trust that this woman felt like something special to me in these 3 months.

dude that doesn't matter at all. girls will change the way they feel about you faster then a bullet.

and yes you were putting pressure on her and pushed her away - that's what the text you thinking about sending will do even further, can you see that?

what do you think reaching out to her will help to accomplish here?

 

[sazc]

Listen, you handled it the way you handled it. Hindsight is valuable. Learn your lessons for sure.

Truth of this situation is, she wouldn't have went back to get ex if her feelings for you were stronger. The only thing you can do, again, is learn your lessons.

There is nothing there for you any more. Dunt send the text. Gather your new knowledge and move on.

 

[JST8828]

Truth of this situation is, she wouldn't have went back to get ex if her feelings for you were stronger.

I dated her for 3 months. She dated this ex for 2 YEARS and it ended shortly before me. It was likely lost cause for me from the start unless I was the greatest DJ on earth. She wasn't ready to truly move on yet. She wasn't completely over him. If I were with her for a YEAR and she bowed out to go back to an ex, then your comment has substance. This situation I was in is one of those where I really did no wrong while dating her imo. On top of that, she came BACK and validated that, while also saying she still likes me.

what do you think reaching out to her will help to accomplish here?

First of all well said about denying my initial text. It was bad. The LAST thing I want to do is send anything that sounds full of drama and puts any form of more pressure on her mind.

I mean look, the bottom line is this really is a bit of a different situation IMHO. Sending her a quick text to see her reaction would be closure if nothing else for me. That's basically it. While I don't think for a second she's ready to jump back into my arms every night, in my gut and in my heart, I truly feel that there's a chance of her being open to a nice conversation. If I didn't, then there wouldn't be a thread about this right now. Again, we had an AMAZING 3 months together without a single blip on the radar.

Like you said, girls change the way they feel fast, so my thing is.... While she came back to me, then bowed out after my pressure, well, now maybe she's had some time to reflect with NC and well, who knows. So back to my question, would a Happy Birthday text be completely wrong? (its in a few weeks)

 

[sazc]

The amazing 3 months you had was the honeymoon period of the relationship. This is the period where the other person is viewed as "perfect" and as sometime who is going to heal all wounds from childhood and previous relationship fails.

And the honeymoon period ended and she realize that you are not perfect and that, as is typical in relationships, she was heading into that period where she would have to get vulnerable with you. She had already gotten vulnerable with her ex and was with him for a very long time and decided that she didn't want to take the chance on getting hurt from someone new so she went back to something known.

After a while she realize the problems that she had with her ex didn't magically vanish because they hadn't been dating for a while.

In general it sounds to me like you are trying to find and defend reasons for texting her. Nothing you can do or say will change the reality of this situation. If she wanted you she would be with you. She is not the girl for you, it's better that you just move on.

Leave it the way it is, no texting, go no contact. Eventually she may Reach Out.

 

[AbaGanov]

Like you said, girls change the way they feel fast, so my thing is.... While she came back to me, then bowed out after my pressure, well, now maybe she's had some time to reflect with NC and well, who knows. So back to my question, would a Happy Birthday text be completely wrong? (its in a few weeks)

is she was reflecting and had regain some little interest in checking things with you again, trust me - she would have contact you.
you do need to "help her" by reaching out.

remember that she was the one turning you down. reaching out to her for whatever the reason - is simply weak behavior and will push her further away. (sending her happy birthday is still reaching out to check things up, she knows whats up.)

 

[The Diver]

Ok fair enough, but please understand and trust that this woman felt like something special to me in these 3 months. She didn't dump me bc I wasn't a good guy with no game. She said I was amazing. She left bc of unfinished history with an ex.

I mean do you understand that my thing is I likely PUSHED her away? What happened in between then was me putting pressure on her and not handling things the right way. That is the conflict I have here. I f-cked it up in a way. .

Man,,, you're trying to rationalize her sh*ity behavior, and on top off that you're blaming yourself.

Always judge by action not by words , and her action was : She dumped you for her EX. (and it doesn't matter the reasons). You can rationalize it as much as you want , but there is no other way to look at it, and you were her default after it didn't worked out with her Ex.

(And I'm not even touching the subject of "she is very special to me " , which is on itself is problematic mindset)

 

[JST8828]

The amazing 3 months you had was the honeymoon period of the relationship. This is the period where the other person is viewed as "perfect" and as sometime who is going to heal all wounds from childhood and previous relationship fails.

And the honeymoon period ended and she realize that you are not perfect and that, as is typical in relationships, she was heading into that period where she would have to get vulnerable with you.

First of all I'm aware of what a honeymoon phase is. Second, I really cannot back you up on your comments, as appreciative as I am for you trying to care. I'll say it one more time. This woman was NOT over her ex. I truly believe it had NOTHING to do with me. She TOLD me that, over and over. Did I become a second option when she realized her ex was no good? Yes, technically. HOWEVER, if I DID do something wrong and I wasn't good, she would have never came back. Her coming back was evidence that she truly did like me as she said she did. Plus, like I alluded to earlier, we weren't even "official" and this certainly was no year long relationship. If she left me for an ex then, I would never have taken her back, PERIOD.

Believe me I know it sounds like I'm backing this girl up but the reality is a huge part of me hates her for what she did to me. I am simply stating the facts here.

is she was reflecting and had regain some little interest in checking things with you again, trust me - she would have contact you.
you do need to "help her" by reaching out.

remember that she was the one turning you down. reaching out to her for whatever the reason - is simply weak behavior and will push her further away. (sending her happy birthday is still reaching out to check things up, she knows whats up.)

You mean DON'T* need to help her?

Yes she was the one turning ME down at the end of the day. I keep telling myself that over and over. But then another part of me keeps telling myself that I was the reason for that. I put a LOT of pressure on this girl after she came back to me toying around with my heart when I should have simply said I'm not interested until you're done with your ex, goodbye. I also feel like deleting her from social media was weak of me, even if she did turn me down and delete our photo on there.

@The Diver Trust me I'm NOT blaming myself at all even though it sounds like that. If I never speak to this girl again I WON'T be heartbroken. I've already moved on a good amount. I'm just trying to go over everything and see if there's something to figure out.

 

[sazc]

You've changed my mind! Definitely send her the text. See what she says. If she wants to engage you in several long conversations, maybe even be friends, I think that's an awesome idea.

 

[JST8828]

Smh. All I'm saying is that 9 times out of 10 a girl who is NOT over her long term ex that just dumped her beforehand will not choose new guy of a couple of months.

Nothing you can do or say will change the reality of this situation. If she wanted you she would be with you.

She likely DID want to be with me/come back to me, but I got mad and put pressure on her instead of backing up. Then she took off.

 

[Murk]

Text her then, stop taking a prick like tone with people trying to help you. You seem to have it all figured out. Go text her and see how quick she replies "I've been waiting for you to text me, lets meet for a drink and talk things out".

That's totally gonna happen. Be sure to post here how it works out for other low abundance needy men to learn from.

 

[JST8828]

I'm not texting the girl.

 

[AbaGanov]

You mean DON'T* need to help her?

yes, sorry that was typo. you DON'T need to help her.

 

[JST8828]

Thanks everyone for chiming in and giving your two cents, even if I didn't completely agree with some of them.

This was all just a very hard situation for me bc I really liked this girl a lot, more than anyone else in recent years (yes, sue me, I developed real feelings for a girl after a few months!) and while I absolutely never condoned her kicking me to the curb for her long term ex, I could SOMEWHAT understand the motivation behind something like it. I can tell you that years ago during some of my flings, even good ones, if my long term ex came back to me it could have easily reactivated strong emotions and pulled me away. The thing about these flings of mine were that I got to see them all through and they didn't work out obviously. With me and this girl, we never got to truly have our day as an ex interrupted things and of course she just wasn't over him anyway. If we had fought left and right throughout the 3 months this would be so much easier, but there wasn't a single solitary issue.

But the real story here was that this girl was possibly coming back and I pushed her away with my emotions over the entire situation. Now would we have ended up back together if I handled this all correctly? Of course I can't say, but its just been hard to sit here and wonder what if.

That all being said, bottom lines are she DID dump me at first, she DID choose her ex over me, and she DID ultimately end things and deleted our photo on social media. My "behavior" certainly wasn't cruel or psychopathic. I'm certainly not Satan in her mind for standing up for myself in a way and I certainly shouldn't be viewed as an a--hole for deleting her on social media after this nonsense. Hell, my actions can probably be viewed as justifiable by most of the population.

So my thing is, if a day ever comes where she has a second thought and realizes how good of a guy I was those 3 months and how I treated her very well and that it was dead wrong to put me through this BS, maybe she'll reach out, and maybe we'll see what's what. But for now, it's time to move on.

 

[AbaGanov]

Thanks everyone for chiming in and giving your two cents, even if I didn't completely agree with some of them.

This was all just a really hard situation for me bc I really liked this girl a lot, more than anyone else in recent years (yes, sue me, I developed real feelings for a girl after a few months!) and while I absolutely never condoned her kicking me to the curb for her long term ex, I could SOMEWHAT understood the motivation behind something like it. I can tell you that years ago during some of my flings, even good ones, if my long term ex came back to me it could have easily reactivated strong emotions and pulled me away.

But the real story here was that this girl was possibly coming back and I pushed her away with my emotions over the entire situation. Now would we have ended up back together if I handled this all correctly? Of course I can't say, but its just been hard to sit here and wonder what if.

That all being said, bottom lines are she DID dump me at first, she DID choose her ex over me, and she DID ultimately end things and deleted our photo on social media. My "behavior" certainly wasn't cruel or psychopathic. I'm certainly not Satan in her mind for standing up for myself in a way and I certainly shouldn't be viewed as an a--hole for deleting her on social media after this nonsense. Hell, my actions can probably be viewed as justifiable by most of the population.

So my thing is, if a day ever comes where she has a second thought and realizes how good of a guy I was those 3 months and how I treated her very well and that it was dead wrong to put me through this BS, maybe she'll reach out, and maybe we'll see what's what. But for now, it's time to move on.

dude you honestly sounds like an smart guy who get things. I really hope you understand you have to forget about this girl and move on.

I was in your shoes more then once in my early 20's with so many "special" girls that comes once in a life time.
later in life I realized that the biggest thing that should attract me to a girl is if she is REALLY into me. if she is not - that kills my interest immediately. make sense isn't?

why would you be interested in someone who is not interested in you? why would you want to spend all that energy on that person when there are millions of awesome, adorable and beautiful girls out there.

 

[JST8828]

Thanks for the compliment. It's just that at 30 years old going on 31, it gets harder to have that mindset of "forget her and move on", especially when I couldn't have been more attracted to her and we were getting along so well. Your point is she's not WITH me, so obviously she's not into me, and I understand that.

But the thing is, she WAS interested in me IMO. Came back to me. And I kind of feel like I pushed her away with my pressure.

As cliche' as it sounds, this probably can go down as a case of if its meant to be it will, and she'll reach back out one day. But like I said earlier its just time to move on for now.

 

[Spaz]

When a women was in a LTR she and her EX will develop a deep bond that's hard to break.

There might not be any attractions left or even love left with her EX BUT the bond is deep rooted and may take time to weed out.

Once u spend say 3 months with someone u will bond with them.