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I know better but...

drmeathead

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I ran into this guy who is a mutal aquantance of an old oneitis I had back a few months ago. He asked what happened and it really brought out the old feelings I had for this girl. Worse yet it has me thinking.


Part of me wants to send her an email. It would go something like this.

Hi

I ran in ____ the other day at the bar. He aked whatever ever happened between you and I. I told him I didnt really know. I havent talked to you in a while.

Do you remember right after we got in my car you asked me if I was nervous and I said no. I lied. You see I was. You were the first girl in a long time that I actually liked and just didnt want to hook up with.

You seemed to enjoy my company. In fact I know you did. Then I proceeded to fumble things at my end every chance I got. I knew I was but everytime I tried to check myself I just fumbled more.

If this means anything to you, great let me know. If it doesnt, that is fine too. I just have been wanting to say it for sometime. Now that I have said it I have nothing else to say.
 

HuuBinh

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don't send the email. why couldn't you get over her? if you must, do it directly by calling her. and pls, don't make many mushy confessions, don't talk about the past & how you screwed up. be brief & to the point. ask if she wants to get together for coffee. her answer will indicate her interest.
 

drmeathead

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The other part of me remembers that...

We went out and had a great time. She was asking me out by the end of the date. She called me a twice the next week just to talk. She called the next week too. We made movie plans. She never called to tell me what she wanted to see. I had to ask for an apology a few days later. A big excuse about a roommate fight A few days after apologizing she did the same damn thing. I sent her an email telling her it wasnt cool a few days alter and I wasnt going to tolerate it. No answer so I sent her a text a few days after that peacing her out. No answer to that so I called a week later asking to talk. No answer. I sent flowers and a card telling her lets talk about amonth later. She called. Told me to call her. I did call. Nothing. I called two more times over the next few weeks. Nothing. I called her drunk and told her I was way too nice and I should have told her to hit the road along time ago.


In addition I have some AFC details to add on.

The day after the day I sent her a text teasing her about her 8 am exam she had to get up for.

One time she called and left a message telling me to call her or she would call me later in the week. I called right away.

The nigh before she stood me up I pressured her to agree to hangout, she wanted to do something the next week.

When she called back about the flowers, I called her the next day.

The message I left beofre the drunk dial was like 2 minutes long and waaaay to detailed about everytihng.



The more I write I think it is a bad idea to email this girl. I have already lost my dignity in pursing her.

Why continue to do so? I have other options to pursue right now. It isnt like I sit alone on Saturday night. I have many other girl options to choose from. I guess I still have feelings for her for some reason and I have found this site more than useful and would like to try out the 'new' me on her. You cant blame me for that cant you?
 

HuuBinh

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from your past behaviors, i am sure she lost much respect for you. although you've learned a lot since, you're figthing an uphill battle. why waste your time when you can start fresh with a new girl with the game you have now.
 

drmeathead

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I agree I should just go to other girls. I have probably considered a dozen since. I dont know she just made me feel like I had known her so much longer than I did. I felt very comfortable around her right away and got really careless.

I dont think I should contact her. OBVIOUSLY she isnt interested anymore.


There is the part of me that wants to believe she is now wishing I was still around but wont call me.

If I saw her out this would be easy. The awkward part of this is no freaking her out by contacting her out of nowhere. ALthough that is an alpha male move to just call and not give a ****. At the same time it is more AFC to be hung up on this girl still.

I dont know what my deal is. Any constructive thoughts would help.
 

ScrewIt

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well do you still talk to her occasionally??

if i were you, i would not dig up the past...it just brings back bad memories.
cuz diggin up the past might freak her out a bit and think you're obsessed with her and might have a stalker on her hands.

just call her up and ask what she's been up to and that you guys have a lot of catching up to do. ask her out for some coffee or something.

coffee is a good for a first date or just a get together chat...
 

drmeathead

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i dont want to come off as a stalker by any means. i know i f ed up alot and that until i did she liked me alot. she and i both had alot going on outside of each other. alot of stresses that is. no excuses no complaining but i just made AFC after AFC move. nothing went right for me. hell when i sent her flowers to try and smooth things over i picked the week she was out of town to deliver them to her. the day she called to thank me for them i was busy at the ER getting treatment on a torn ACL.


i am sure most guys on here are gonna tell me i am stupid. hell i tell my self i am stupid for this. it is just that she is the first girl in long time that i actually liked. like the lonestar song says "i am way past pride". i am not 100% ccomfortable doing or 100% confident i should in the 1st place. but let me ask one thing so if my stupid ass does this i atleast have my ducks in a row somewhat.

i rather run into her in person. that would be the most natural way to go. however with running in to her old friend i have a small window of opportunity right? call or email?
 

Dirtheart

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I have been in exactly the same situation twice this year. I made all the AFC mistakes I know of and the more I tried to rectify them, the worse I made things. Sadly there is NOTHING you can say via phone or email to undo these mistakes. As I found out, whatever I said or wrote she heard or read like it was coming from the AFC wuss she last saw.

I.e. I asked her if she wants to meet up and go out for the day, she replied "that's such a sweet idea, but..." I told her not to condescend me and she told me I was paranoid. I told her I just want to put things right, she told me "You stress too much". I even told her about a tragedy I was dealing with in the hope she would understand my behaviour and give me another chance to see her, and she replied "Just stop stressing and chill out!" In the end I told her I'm fed up of trying and again she told me to stop stressing out.

Everything she said made me sound sweet, but paranoid and stressed out person, which is exactly who she last saw. She clearly has this steadfast persona of me in her head and whatever I said I couldn't convince her to meet with me.

I spent ages thinking of things to say that would negate the image she had of me, but even when I showed some balls and called her on her insulting attitude, she'd talk down to me like a teacher telling off a school kid.

Save yourself the humiliation and heartache and give up now.
 

splinterkb

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She probably remembers that you were an AFC, and sending her an e-mail like that will just reinforce what she thinks.
 

drmeathead

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so short of a time machine is there anything i can do that wont make me look AFC?



the best email i can come up with is something like

i ran into X the other day. he asked how you were. i told him i didnt know and hadnt seen you in a while. anyway this got me thinking. here is what i came up with.

i know you had a great time being with me. i know you told my sister that you didnt want somebody that would call you everyday. i know turned into to that because i had this romantic plan to ask you to my formal after our next date. i know i pressed way to hard trying to get you on that date. i know everything i did just turned out wrong. (hell i even managed to send you flowers the week you were out of town). looking back, i know i would do alot of things different.



that is the best i can come up with. i am no prince of the pose by any means. at best this email is a weak play. i dont think it wins her back based on words alone but if it is what she has been needing to hear from me then it will do. like i said an email like this is a long shot but it may be my only shot short of randomly running into her on the street or at a bar.

the only other option is calling her but if she doesnt pick up then what? a)leave a voicemail in a rushed unrehersed manner saying the same thing an email that you can proofread does. b) dont leave a vocie mail and let her see that you called. atleasy with the emaily uo get your piece in.
 

Dirtheart

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Trust me, I have written VERY similar emails and here's how she will probably translate it:


i know you had a great time being with me. i know you told my sister that you didnt want somebody that would call you everyday. i know turned into to that because i had this romantic plan to ask you to my formal after our next date. i know i pressed way to hard trying to get you on that date. i know everything i did just turned out wrong. (hell i even managed to send you flowers the week you were out of town). looking back, i know i would do alot of things different.
"I still think about you. I know I made a lot of mistakes, but I am willing to change for you. I still look back and can't get over you. Please give me another chance to prove myself to you."

I'm sorry to say this, but your email looks like you are seeking her approval and you are apologising for things you didn't actually do "wrong" (I mean, you didn't cheat or mistreat her, you were just too keen). If you scared her off because you were too nice and too keen on her, then sending this email is the worst thing you can do because it shows that you still care too much.

Basically, NEVER try to explain or apologise for your mistakes or tell her you have changed, and NEVER make it look like you still crave her interest.

If you really want to send her an email, make it brief, casual and without feeling. I.e.:


Hi, it's drmeathead.

I just came across your email address and wondered how you are doing these days. It has been a while since we last spoke, but I hope all is well.

Regards,

Drmeathead.



Something like this is just a polite icebreaker, which gives her the opportunity to reply if she wants to. The chances are, right now she is not interested in you romantically because of your AFC behaviour. So nothing you can say or type will magically turn on her feelings for you. If you can build a casual and platonic rapport then maybe she'll meet up for a casual chat with you. But if she thinks you are still trying to salvage a relationship, she'll ignore you, if only to avoid hurting your feelings again.
 

NRM

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You let a woman know you were nervous and lied about it, it'd kill whatever confidence that you could have possibly had in her mind. Mushy confessions are cool in the movies, but it just doesn't work in real life. If a girl made a mushy confession to me, I'd assume she'd be like that all the time and to me, it'd be a waste.
 

drmeathead

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Thanks for the feedback

doc love says once an IL drops then its gone for good. the only catch here is this girl never said "next". she had plently a chance to. after she stood me up the first time she could have never called back. after i sent the flowers i had written her off but she still called a week later. she had the perfect out there. so did i just dampen her IL or is i am done? you would think that i would atleast get a "leave me the hell alone already" after sending flowers if she didnt like me at all. that would have made this so much easier.

i didnt tell her that i lied about being nervous. sorry for the confusion that email was just a rough draft if i even send one.

i realize that i got nothing to go on here. i am just grasping at straws. the more i think about it the more i think if i see her in person is a better approach. at this point an email or a call is just much too "Big Creepy" than I am comfortable with.

at the same time, a part of me still will wonder what if i send that little impersonal email. nothing ventured nothing gained. as far as losing face if i end up with her as my keeper, i will gladly wear egg on my face daily.

i dont know. i got a phone book full of other #s. if it is meant to be with her ill see her again. if not screw her, besides her mom is obsese so that means she is headed that way too.
 

drmeathead

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i know i am all over the board with this but i dont know what do to. brain says "next" heart says "go for it"


an email to to the effect of


i ran into x the other day. he asked how you were. i told him i had not talked to you in a while. i just thought i would say hi.



thats weak. but it is an easy non threatening opener. is her friend asking about her enough a reason to email her? or would i be better off waiting for the off chance i run into her somewhere?
 

drmeathead

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i talked with a female friend about this. the friend and i have a little physical past if that matters but she lived in florida some impractical distance awy. we still keep in touch over IM and drunk phone calls.

i wanted a girls perspective. she said email this girl. i dont know. i dont think that is my best move. i am leaning towards if i run into her great then God wants it that way. besides an email will just put the ball in her court and all ill do is wait (for anthoer probable no response). i see her i see her. right?
 

Dirtheart

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Ask yourself if you could really cope with seeing her again.

I was in a bar a few weeks ago, very relaxed, checking out the women and then I thought I saw my ex-. All of a sudden my heart started pounding and I just went to pieces. It turned out to be someone else, but it proved to me that I'm not ready to face her.

I've been thinking that now I've learned from my mistakes, if I saw her I'd be totally cool, turn on the charm and regain my dignity, but I guess I'm still suppressing a lot of emotions.

If you want to email her, go ahead, but go with the last version rather than the previous one. Try to make it seem casual and assume she won't reply as not to build up your hopes.
 

drmeathead

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dirtheart


i could handle seeing her again. i would like nothing more. she is a keeper. what i thought about was the rejection that may come with it. i dont need that stress. or the fact i am soon to be a doctor and i dont need her accusing me of being a stalker and risk that on my record.

i think i will go with if i see her i see her. by not emailing her i can always start a convo with her about that friend who was asking about her.
 

drmeathead

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i emailed her today...we will see how it goes...it went as follows


hey i ran into x at the bar the other night. he asked me about you. yeah i know its been awhile, but i just wanted to say hi and see what you have been up to
 

drmeathead

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I know I am rediculous at this point but this girl is still in my head.

I have met other girls and they dont come close to this one. I get numbers when I am out and then the next day I am like I am never gonna call that girl. I still wish I could run into whatsher name.


why cant I get her outof my head? I know it is the cool thing to do to next a girl as soon as she "disses" you and move on. why am i stuck? i mean i am looking but havent found anything comparable.

the werid part is i dont even know what this girl looks like 100%. i just fell for her personality. (i know i am getting alot of "yeah rights" right now). we clicked. she mentioned it to me back when she used to actually speak to me.

i dont wonder about other girls i have met since or before. this one sticks for some reason. is it due to the fact i didnt get a lets be friends type talk? or am i just a retard? if you cant post a serious reply please dont bother.
 
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