I killed the nice guy in me, but something's missing?

[thegator39]

I used to be the kind of guy up until a few months ago who dreamed of romance and the like. I dreamed of cuddling after sex, having a connection with a girl and the girl and I just "getting each other." I bought into the Hollywood bs of romantic sunsets and a man and a woman being one another's best friend. I can officially say it's over.

But...it's as if I've become the complete opposite. I've been on a few dates recently, and talked to a lot of women online, and it's like I don't feel any connection to them whatsoever...almost like I look at them as inferior and "not getting it" as far as what it's like to be a guy. I have no desire to talk to a woman or be in love with a woman or anything. I'm basically looking for a very sexual girlfriend where at least 60 or 70 percent of the relationship involves sexual activity of some sort.

On one hand, I feel free. All of the self-inflicted pain about "wanting love" is gone. On the other hand, while I don't hate women, it's like I look at them as objects, means to an end. If I want conversation, I can talk to a guy. I can talk to a guy about the local sports team, or about attractive women. If I want an emotional connection, I can bond with my family, and unlike any woman I meet, they will be there no matter what as long as they are alive.

With women, I want to view and touch their naked body. I could care less about them, because 90 percent of young women are uninteresting and pretty much live the same life. Women develop substance in their 30s because less men want them or are willing to put up with their bs since they're no longer young.

The question is, how do I take advantage of my knowledge without being a complete jerk in the process? I want to be an assertive man, not a jerk. There's a difference.

One of the problems is, I look like a nice guy. My face isn't rugged or tough looking at all. In fact, up until about 2 or 3 years ago, it looked like I was a teenager. I started working out figuring it can't hurt, but that will only do so much. I want to become the man I already am inside, and I want women to see me as a man.

 

[PapiChulo]

Welcome to the club! You are still a recovering nice guy about to get bitter and turn into an ashole.
You sound too mature. How old are you by the way?

 

[jophil28]

I want to become the man I already am inside, and I want women to see me as a man.

How about starting the process here by writing up your age- why the secrecy ?

 

[Jitterbug]

You'll never be able to kill the nice guy inside. He's just temporary unconscious.

 

[ken chang]

THIS is your problem? It sounds more like the solution. I haven't killed my inner nice guy yet. Just severely maimed him. And I'm probably older than you. Please please tell me how you killed him!

 

[f283000]

With women, I want to view and touch their naked body. I could care less about them, because 90 percent of young women are uninteresting and pretty much live the same life. Women develop substance in their 30s because less men want them or are willing to put up with their bs since they're no longer young.

The question is, how do I take advantage of my knowledge without being a complete jerk in the process? I want to be an assertive man, not a jerk. There's a difference.

I want you to think of your situation from a different point of view and let me explain.

I don't see a problem in your situation in fact I think you are only inventing the problem in your head due to what has been ingrained into your mind from society and its expectations on what a man should be.

You are somehow equating wanting women for what they are good for (sex) with being a jerk.

Remember that society labels any "authoritative male behavior" as jerkish behavior.

You going back to your essence as a sexual being that you are, and wanting women for their natural purpose (sex) and not cuddling and love poems IS NOT JERKISH BEHAVIOR!

BUT SOCIETY TELLS YOU IT IS! Which is why you have this struggle in your mind at the moment.

But what you will find out is that being this way will increase women's attraction for you because women are more naturally attracted to men who display these masculine traits. In a world full of afc women (specially the hottest women) flock to jerks/badboys and deuche bags who are given those labels by society because rather than showing afc behavior they show authoritative male behavior.

Don't fall for the trap of what society calls jerks/badboys and deuchebags because they are just men showing authoritative behavior and being hated on by a world that hates men showing such behavior.

 

[Ease]

The question is, how do I take advantage of my knowledge without being a complete jerk in the process? I want to be an assertive man, not a jerk. There's a difference.

No thats wrong, a jerk is everything you want to be.

Google a 'emotionally unavailable men', thats exactly the kind of man you want to be.

http://www.google.co.uk/search?hl=e...men&aq=3&aqi=g10&aql=&oq=emotionally&gs_rfai=

 

[Rollo Tomassi]

Women are utterly incapable of loving a man in the way that a man expects to be loved.

In it's simplicity this speaks volumes about about the condition of Men. It accurately expresses a nihilism that Men must either confront and accept, or be driven insane in denial for the rest of their lives when they fail to come to terms with the disillusionment. Women are incapable of loving Men in a way that a Man idealizes is possible, in a way he thinks she should be capable of. It is not the natural state of women. Our GFs, our wives, daughters and even our mothers are all incapable of this.

As nice as it would be to relax, trust and be vulnerable, upfront, rational and open, the great abyss is still the lack of an ability for women to love Men as Men would like them to. This is what I think you're confronting here.

It's much healthier to accept that it isn't possible and live within that framework. If she's there, she's there, if not, oh well. She's not incapable of love, she's incapable of love as you would have it. She doesn't lack the capacity for connection, she lacks the capacity for the connection you think would ideally suit you.

 

[Atom Smasher]

Rollo, expound, please.

How does a man desire/expect to be loved?

 

[ethan350z]

if you want to be a nice guy then be a nice guy. Show her how nice you are and try to convince her that you deserve her attentions. Don't play all these bull sh*t games that you learn on a forum and take advice from a bunch of noobs like you who can't get a girl if their lives depend on it.

 

[everywomanshero]

Some of you people sound downright crazy. Why do you need to be a jerk or a nice guy? How about being a fairly normal guy who doesn't come across as insane?

 

[DanelMadr]

I used to be the kind of guy up until a few months ago who dreamed of romance and the like. I dreamed of cuddling after sex, having a connection with a girl and the girl and I just "getting each other." I bought into the Hollywood bs of romantic sunsets and a man and a woman being one another's best friend. I can officially say it's over.

But...it's as if I've become the complete opposite. I've been on a few dates recently, and talked to a lot of women online, and it's like I don't feel any connection to them whatsoever...almost like I look at them as inferior and "not getting it" as far as what it's like to be a guy. I have no desire to talk to a woman or be in love with a woman or anything. I'm basically looking for a very sexual girlfriend where at least 60 or 70 percent of the relationship involves sexual activity of some sort.

On one hand, I feel free. All of the self-inflicted pain about "wanting love" is gone. On the other hand, while I don't hate women, it's like I look at them as objects, means to an end. If I want conversation, I can talk to a guy. I can talk to a guy about the local sports team, or about attractive women. If I want an emotional connection, I can bond with my family, and unlike any woman I meet, they will be there no matter what as long as they are alive.

With women, I want to view and touch their naked body. I could care less about them, because 90 percent of young women are uninteresting and pretty much live the same life. Women develop substance in their 30s because less men want them or are willing to put up with their bs since they're no longer young.

The question is, how do I take advantage of my knowledge without being a complete jerk in the process? I want to be an assertive man, not a jerk. There's a difference.

One of the problems is, I look like a nice guy. My face isn't rugged or tough looking at all. In fact, up until about 2 or 3 years ago, it looked like I was a teenager. I started working out figuring it can't hurt, but that will only do so much. I want to become the man I already am inside, and I want women to see me as a man.

Cough up the red pill

First, you being or worrying about being a jerk signals that your nice little boy is not entirely muerto. Jerks are just too arrogant nice guys with ego problems.

Second, it is life long struggle to be assertive and going your way. Telling no to women when appropriate, telling no to boss, hitting a guy who deserves it, not taking a bribe, always telling the truth, taking responsibility for your actions or lack of.....and so on and so forth. Don't you even think you had it all figured out.

Third, there is price for everything. When you stop being naive you have to face the reality. It is only on you how you take it. Someone becomes bitter, unmotivated. Someone can always see and look for for the bright side of things or simply taking the reality how it is.

 

[DanelMadr]

Women are utterly incapable of loving a man in the way that a man expects to be loved.

In it's simplicity this speaks volumes about about the condition of Men. It accurately expresses a nihilism that Men must either confront and accept, or be driven insane in denial for the rest of their lives when they fail to come to terms with the disillusionment. Women are incapable of loving Men in a way that a Man idealizes is possible, in a way he thinks she should be capable of. It is not the natural state of women. Our GFs, our wives, daughters and even our mothers are all incapable of this.

As nice as it would be to relax, trust and be vulnerable, upfront, rational and open, the great abyss is still the lack of an ability for women to love Men as Men would like them to. This is what I think you're confronting here.

It's much healthier to accept that it isn't possible and live within that framework. If she's there, she's there, if not, oh well. She's not incapable of love, she's incapable of love as you would have it. She doesn't lack the capacity for connection, she lacks the capacity for the connection you think would ideally suit you.

Because most men want to be loved in similar way their mother loved or should have loved them. Women save this kind of love for their children. Some women have the same problem...wanted to be loved like their father loved them or should have loved them....asexually. That's why they b!tch about 'all men want just sex' and are absolutely OK with just cuddling.

 

[maqnetik]

what happened is you got rid of the poison inside but there wasnt anything else in there. you have to build and grow by FEEDING the aspects of yourself you wish to have.

:nervous:

 

[thegator39]

I'm 27 tomorrow first of all.

Second, the nice guy/jerk thing isn't black and white. What I mean is I don't want to be the kind of slimeball to pretend to want a relationship to get sex, then dump her. I want to be more like Sam Malone in Cheers...where it's like "Love me or hate me, I love p***y and this is who I am and I don't apologize for it."

 

[Demonicale]

I'm 27 tomorrow first of all.

Second, the nice guy/jerk thing isn't black and white. What I mean is I don't want to be the kind of slimeball to pretend to want a relationship to get sex, then dump her. I want to be more like Sam Malone in Cheers...where it's like "Love me or hate me, I love p***y and this is who I am and I don't apologize for it."

I'm in the same boat, and after my recent 3 dates that turned into nothing, i just can't be assed with women anymore ... only for sex now.

 

[thegator39]

I guess I hoped that one day I'd find a woman who was just "really cool"...one of the guys...like Elaine from Seinfeld or Roz from Frasier...not necessarily the "hottest" woman, but still attractive and understanding a guy's sense of humor. What I realized is, besides the fact that they're fictional characters, Elaine and Roz are well into their 30s in the shows and past the game-playing/drama stage. I'm 27 in 5 hours. I have a good 4-5 years of man-wh0ring it around, so when I do meet a decent woman, I'm not thinking about "I wish I had spent those days sexing a lot of women."

 

[Radharc]

I guess I hoped that one day I'd find a woman who was just "really cool"...one of the guys...like Elaine from Seinfeld or Roz from Frasier...not necessarily the "hottest" woman, but still attractive and understanding a guy's sense of humor. What I realized is, besides the fact that they're fictional characters, Elaine and Roz are well into their 30s in the shows and past the game-playing/drama stage. I'm 27 in 5 hours. I have a good 4-5 years of man-wh0ring it around, so when I do meet a decent woman, I'm not thinking about "I wish I had spent those days sexing a lot of women."

Welcome to the club... I believe there are a few women like those, but still, it takes a great deal of luck to meet one in the right circumstance and in a set of conditions where you´ll manage to hook up with her.

I've had the luck to meet some that are like that to a degree, two of them are still very close friends.

Some things they had in common: both had few to none female friends, both prioritized other pursuits in life besides having relatioships. One is a painter, the other a landscape architect - both activities that demand a lot of your inner life in order to achieve something. They had passions in life.

I also have this theory, that I still need to field test more extensively though, that women who are involved in very demanding activities, like competitive sports, performing arts (classical music is the most obvious one), stuff where you need to dedicate most of your time to that activity, and have goal in life that goes beyond hooking up with guys and validate themselves by that alone, tend to be more within the profile that you described.

 

[Hakuna]

Nice guy < Jerk < Real Men.

"Nice Guys" are created because that's what everyone around you wants you to become - emasculated and fearful.

While jerks have escaped from the mental prison that nice guys are in, I still feel pity for them. You're right in saying the jerk / nice guy debate isn't black and white, because both of them are in the black areas. Seeing women as "objects" isn't a good thing. It might increase your success rate of getting laid, but you miss out on other things.

Having an emotional bond with a woman isn't a bad thing. Being CONTROLLED by an emotional bond with a woman, is a bad thing. It's not wrong to look for love, but it's wrong to aim for love over other things and to be ruled by it. Similarly, a lot of the dichotomies created between the jerk and nice guy mentalities are skewed. You have to try and look at it from a third angle which most people don't. They either see it as "doing what a nice guy would do" or "doing what a jerk would do."

Most guys who call themselves "jerks" are just trying to mask the insecurities of being a nice guy that they've hid all their lives.

I think the key difference is that nice guys don't respect themselves, and jerks don't respect women. Rather than choosing between one of these two, everyone should aim to become someone who respects BOTH women AND themselves.

 

[thegator39]

Radharc...my ex was kind of like that...and when things were good, I've never had such a connection with anyone who isn't a family member. She drank casually, but she didn't go to bars often or clubs ever, and she had a few girlfriends she saw occasionally but that's it. Was more into her work than anything else. It was fools gold though because she wasn't into me beyond a casual dating/"he's cute but not the man for me" kind of way.

Hakuna...thanks for articulating what I was trying to get across. I want to be a real man. I don't hate women, I just don't need the connection to be a whole person.