I have no social filter.

[Altoidss]

Hey guys. I need help. Bad.


I have no social filter. I didn't talk to many people for the first 15 years of my life (I turn 16 next month) so when I finally came out of my shell I had no social experience and I kept making awkward comments and **** like that.

It's not much better now. Talking to guys, I usually come off as annoying, and talking to girls I come off as creepy and sex obsessed, and just wierd.

So what usually ends up happening is I can't think of anything to say at all and just sit there awkwardly not saying anything, or I say something so stupidly blunt and strange that I make everyone around me feel uncomfortable.

How can I possibly fix this?

 

[gmillar]

Practice. It's the only way.

 

[Altoidss]

Yeah, but the more "practice" I get, the more people I alienate. I go to a very small school (75 people per grade) so I can't just keep moving on.

 

[TheManFromR'lyeh]

Take thee to the THEATER!! acting class my friend. you'll be rehearsing love scenes with with girls you couldn't have spoken ton a month ago.

 

[Altoidss]

I don't think you understand my problem.

I CAN talk to girls. I just say wierd stupid awkward **** and scare them away!

 

[Jackman]

It's because your conversation is most likely viewed as "aimed to please" and not coming from the heart.

Men will grow very annoyed when your conversation with them is somehow self-validating for you. If you're smart and jump in with something too intelligent, less intelligent men will see you as a show off. If you're obviously intelligent and try to jump in with something uncharacteristically low brow and raunchy, it has a "trying to hard" effect.

Women will see your remarks as "trying to hard" if you're sexual in a way that isn't particularly expected from a person like you.

The bottom line is that you're not delivering the persona people are expecting from you, from you're general nature when you're quiet and DONT talk. You basically don't have the right reputation that proceeds your words.

If you're smart, be smart only much more humble. If you're raunchy, be raunchy only much more subtle. Whatever you're strong trait is, display it in a more down-trodden manner. Be friendly over all else.

 

[Holland]

What kind of stuff do you say?

I got the idea it's more the WAY you say it.
In other words, your body language and voice tone. It's probably very needy and approval/validation seeking. That is very normal for people with little social experience. You just need to talk, talk and talk to people. Start with something like: talk to 20 people/hot women in stores in a mall. That is a good starter, cause these people have to be nice to customers. That way you won't have to worry that much about rejection.
Ask 5 or so questions about stuff in the store. Then thank her and leave. Repeat.
That should fix it. Don't talk to other people that you're doing this, just do it for yourself and see how you'll feel afterwards.
Then take it to the next step and keep improving untill you get comfortable and you'll be able to have playful interaction with hot women.
It'll be worth it.
Good luck. The ball is in your court.

 

[SamRi72]

Yea, I'm pretty socially inept too, but as an actor, I've managed to start upgrading my character over this year. The DJ Bible will lead you in the right direction. Using DJ skills is like using martial arts: if your intentions are pure (you want to be your best self) then you will succeed after a great deal of hard work and trying, but if your intentions are evil (manipulation) then you will surely fail, though you may get a few minor victories.

 

[Altoidss]

Alright this is pretty typical of me right here. This girl from an all girls school near me added me as a friend on facebook. I've heard her name before but I've never met her in real life or talked to her. This is the conversation

Me: Do I know you?
Her: not really...
Me: I definitely recognize your name...
Me: oh right you're [guy]'s girlfriend aren't you
Her: yeah.... how did you know that one?
Me: I've just heard your name before I guess
Her: u friends with him>?
Me: I used to be. Ever since the beginning of this year we've grown apart.
Her: tough love?
Me: what's that supposed to mean
Her: ha... i dont really know... nvm
Me: hm, has he been giving some to you? if you know what i mean
Her: what the **** are you talking about
Me:lol sorry it's kind of an inside joke
Her: then why would you say it to me... that was a weird thing to say...
Me: yeah sorry it's a long story i didn't realise you'd get so worked up about it...
Her: huh...okay. whatever
Me: i'm sorry if I offended you or anything...
Her: u didnt
Me: alright that's good

I bolded the mistake. In retrospect I can easily see that that was a fvcking stupid and wierd thing to say but it honestly didn't occur to me at the time. That's what i'm talking about. And that's a TAME example. Usually I come up with something far stranger and more awkward.

So yeah, after I said that, it was pretty much me trying to salvage it.

So I don't know what to do.

 

[jaymo]

Yeah, but the more "practice" I get, the more people I alienate. I go to a very small school (75 people per grade) so I can't just keep moving on.

Yea, I kinda know how you feel there. I went to a pretty small international school overseas in Thailand all 4 years of my life with even fewer prospects than you, and I was in worse shape than you in the fact that I had to get over my shyness. I didn't get over it till near the end of my senior year, and by my freshman year in collage I could pretty much do anything I wanted to if someone told me to do it or I put it in my mind to do it.

Best thing I can say is to try to surround yourself with sociable people who get laid often and know what they're talking about when they talk about women. It's tough though. I didn't find anyone even close to that until my junior year in collage when I decided to join a fraternity filled with guys like that. That's how all the "dating gurus" got their start my friend.....by hanging out with guys who were successful and gave honest feedback.

If this continues into collage, I'd recommend looking into joining a fraternity somewhere. DO NOT join one your freshman year, but go to all the rushes and ask lots of questions. Look at which fraternities seem to get the most attention from women or from the sorority girls, and basically be reserved and gather information from those outside Greek life as well as members.

It's not for everyone, but if the one I'm joining is any indication of what fraternities are like, they'll definitely help you out with your social skills and getting laid.

 

[Abbott]

Practice. It's the only way.

I agree.

Back when I started high school, I was a wreck. The difference was between night and day. In my junior high school, there was a total of twelve students total for years 5-8. Four grade levels were being taught by two teachers. It was elementary school style: Morning math/science, recess, and then the other stuff (english, social studies, art, etc.). When I was in the 8th grade, there were two others also in the 8th grade, and the 7th grader was by herself. This was a private secular school, which is why it was so small, and the tuition is as costly as in-state tuition at a four-year public university. Just tuition, it wasn't a boarding school. The children went back home every day. I remember I liked it a lot. People from different backgrounds (except those too poor for the tuition, but you'd still be surprised) were all together, and everyone got to know one another very well. On field trips everyone just piled into the teacher's cars. There were only twelve of us so it worked out.

However, there was a dark side. Everyone knew each other well, because there weren't very many of us, and new faces were uncommon, probably because of the tuition when there was a free alternative, and the fact it wasn't religious so no religious nuts. This meant that nearly everyone wasn't used to large groups, large numbers of acquaintances, or seeing many new faces. I wasn't prepared for public high school, which I had to do since there wasn't a single secular private high school around the area, and I didn't fancy taking a religion class or wearing a uniform.

The result of this was that when I started high school, I was in a similar position that you are. I wasn't socially adjusted at all, I said stupid and very awkward things, I developed a oneitis crush which resulted in very creepy or AFC things I did (I didn't even have secondhand experience, in my small junior high there were no relationships). I started off on the wrong foot, and I couldn't see it until it was too late, as I failed to develop a knowledge of the high school social structure in time. End of the line, right?

Wrong. Here's what I did: I pretty much tried practicing. I never made a single attempt at a relationship in high school, but I did just try talking about whatever with people, trying not to be creepy. You know what? It helped a lot. When I finished high school, I hated it with a passion. I wasn't popular; I wasn't an outcast but I was definitely a loner. I still hate it to this day. There's going to be a ten-year reunion, but I don't plan to attend. However, when I did finish, I was light-years ahead of where I was when I started. If I continued on my original path, I would still be a wreck.

Summary:

Practice. So you might freak out people a little bit in the beginning. So what? Chances are, you won't freak out everyone. Also, high school is generally the low-point of everyone's life. Also, as long as you perform reasonably well for the sake of college, what you otherwise do isn't going to matter in the big picture. I say, seize the opportunity. Practice. If you seriously mess up, it won't matter after you graduate. After high school, no one cares if you used to be popular. I say, get your act together before you start college and/or the real world, when things matter much more.

I speak from experience.

 

[jaymo]

I agree.

Back when I started high school, I was a wreck. The difference was between night and day. In my junior high school, there was a total of twelve students total for years 5-8. Four grade levels were being taught by two teachers. It was elementary school style: Morning math/science, recess, and then the other stuff (english, social studies, art, etc.). When I was in the 8th grade, there were two others also in the 8th grade, and the 7th grader was by herself. This was a private secular school, which is why it was so small, and the tuition is as costly as in-state tuition at a four-year public university. Just tuition, it wasn't a boarding school. The children went back home every day. I remember I liked it a lot. People from different backgrounds (except those too poor for the tuition, but you'd still be surprised) were all together, and everyone got to know one another very well. On field trips everyone just piled into the teacher's cars. There were only twelve of us so it worked out.

However, there was a dark side. Everyone knew each other well, because there weren't very many of us, and new faces were uncommon, probably because of the tuition when there was a free alternative, and the fact it wasn't religious so no religious nuts. This meant that nearly everyone wasn't used to large groups, large numbers of acquaintances, or seeing many new faces. I wasn't prepared for public high school, which I had to do since there wasn't a single secular private high school around the area, and I didn't fancy taking a religion class or wearing a uniform.

Wow. We actually have very similar pasts, except that I went to a religious school and came from a conservative background.

The result of this was that when I started high school, I was in a similar position that you are. I wasn't socially adjusted at all, I said stupid and very awkward things, I developed a oneitis crush which resulted in very creepy or AFC things I did (I didn't even have secondhand experience, in my small junior high there were no relationships). I started off on the wrong foot, and I couldn't see it until it was too late, as I failed to develop a knowledge of the high school social structure in time.

Man, I had a one-itis that lasted all through high school, and it annoyed the crap out of me because I knew I should move on but I could never stop thinking about her cuz she was in my class all 4 years of high school. All I could do was do my best to ignore her and consider it a lost cause.

Wrong. Here's what I did: I pretty much tried practicing. I never made a single attempt at a relationship in high school, but I did just try talking about whatever with people, trying not to be creepy. You know what? It helped a lot. When I finished high school, I hated it with a passion. I wasn't popular; I wasn't an outcast but I was definitely a loner. I still hate it to this day. There's going to be a ten-year reunion, but I don't plan to attend. However, when I did finish, I was light-years ahead of where I was when I started. If I continued on my original path, I would still be a wreck.

Same for me. My high school period of life was more or less mediocre. I wasn't really hated, but I had to make an effort to be social with people because if I didn't make the effort, my life would have consisted of go to classes, spend recess studying, go home, do whatever, repeat the next day. Weekends would have been sitting around at home unless my family had some sort of activity planned.

I never really became really well liked until I came to collage and was blessed with people that refused to let me continue in my introverted ways and included me in what they did (something that never happened to me much in high school).

Practice. So you might freak out people a little bit in the beginning. So what? Chances are, you won't freak out everyone. Also, high school is generally the low-point of everyone's life. Also, as long as you perform reasonably well for the sake of college, what you otherwise do isn't going to matter in the big picture. I say, seize the opportunity. Practice. If you seriously mess up, it won't matter after you graduate. After high school, no one cares if you used to be popular. I say, get your act together before you start college and/or the real world, when things matter much more.

I speak from experience.

Very true. My low point was 6th grade for me as high and junior high experiences were strictly lukewarm. Like I said, it really helps to be around the right people and have the right attitude of being willing to change. Being social and talking to every person in the room is a good place to start, and don't freaking say anything weird, but rather have a genuine interest in them.

Something that I'm trying out right now is developing a circle of strictly female friends which has at least 1 hot girl in the group. These are people that you will be a genuine friend with and not attempt any relationship or physical activity with. Make em your best friend, hang out with em in bars (it's really funny when my female friends get drunk....I've even had one outright kiss me and 20 other guys out of the blue when I was totally not expecting it...it was funny as heck), and generally spend as much time with em as possible and make it clear that you only want them as friends (although don't become a girlfriend either). You can learn a lot from a hot female friend if you spend a lot of time with one as a friend. Just remember that if you try to get with one of them, and it turns out badly, you can lose the whole group.

Make em promise that they will say nothing but good things about you if they say anything at all (has to be true of course). It helps to have female references

 

[Francisco d'Anconia]

Stop trying so hard, that's why you are coming off as annoying.

 

[Vypros]

I have a couple of reading suggestions for you:

How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie
How to Talk to Anyone by Leil Lowndes

Read them, and start applying the advice that is in them.

 

[danielzxc]

How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie
How to Talk to Anyone by Leil Lowndes

I think those are crap suggestions for this kid. He's only just turning 16. Those books are written for adults and are full of adult examples that he'll never relate to. Even worse, stuff that tends to go down well with adults is suicidal for a high school kid. In high school, being COOL is the most important thing. He's not gonna learn that from Dale Carnegie. Lowndes is another story --she's more relevant there -- but again, she's talking to an adult audience.

Me: yeah sorry it's a long story i didn't realise you'd get so worked up about it..

Buddy, I think you're being too hard on yourslef. I think your convo example was actually pretty good, until you get to the above line. ONE "sorry" was enough, the one about it being an inside joke. After that, no need to keep apologizing. Trust me, once you've "fkked up" (even thought this one wasn't a bad fkk up, the line about "giving you some" -- I wouldn't even worry about it actually), you've fkked up, apologizing profusely will not help you AT ALL. You're MUCH better off just brushing it off and making HER sound like the "weirdo" for getting all wound up about it.

How? For example, when she goes "that was a weird thing to say", you could have said, "lol, you're calling ME weird...what was that "tough love" crap abou then?" ... or "yeah yeah relax... I didn't mean "giving you some" like you're some slvt or anything... you don't get it [the joke], so don't worry about it" [then you could just do a total subject change]. That's just two examples, but there are HEAPS of ways you could have continued on with it. But you got so hung up on "apologizing" for your "fkk up", that you just killed the convo.

Doesn't matter, it's no big deal, even she is "upset" wit you, do not let that worry you at all. It's WAY better to have them "upset" wit you than to think you are boring -- WAY better.

As I said earlier though, it's about being "cool". Just watch and listen to the cooler kids and try and incorporate some of the things they talk about and the way they talk about them. (Don't parrot them EXACTLY -- just get some ideas and inspiration). Also, if you go to a small school, don't practise on the people there. You'll run out of people before you make any significant improvements, and once high school people have a bad impression of you, it's alsmot impossible to change it. Practise on people OUTSIDE of schoool.

 

[Vypros]

I think those are crap suggestions for this kid. He's only just turning 16. Those books are written for adults and are full of adult examples that he'll never relate to. Even worse, stuff that tends to go down well with adults is suicidal for a high school kid. In high school, being COOL is the most important thing. He's not gonna learn that from Dale Carnegie. Lowndes is another story --she's more relevant there -- but again, she's talking to an adult audience.

It's relevant to all people.

If he merely reads the tips in a list format and doesn't read the actual books, he's further ahead.

He says he has trouble and says akward things, the tips in these books lend insight into the minds of people and what makes people LIKE you.

I hardly see where teaching people things like "a person's name is important to them" or "read some magazines about different subjects to relate to who you are talking to" or "smile" is bad advice for a teenager.

People are people. Whether they are 2, 12, 16 or 88. And while interests and fads change across generations, the core advice given by these books doesn't.

 

[danielzxc]

Those books are an express ticket to being a "nice guy" is what they are (espeially Carnegie). Yeah, they might get you "liked" (in a nice guy way), but being DESIRABLE and RESPECTED is not always the same thing as being liked -- quite often, they are worlds apart.

Personally, if I can enjoy a moment of rank immodesty, I think my two tips of copying the cool people at his school and not practising on people at his school are way more helpful and relevant than anything he'll find in those two books. (Obviously I've read them. Lowndes is really good, but again, like all authors, they can't help but try and teach you to follow the "nice" track.)

 

[Vypros]

Those books are an express ticket to being a "nice guy" is what they are (espeially Carnegie). Yeah, they might get you "liked" (in a nice guy way), but being DESIRABLE and RESPECTED is not always the same thing as being liked -- quite often, they are worlds apart.

Personally, if I can enjoy a moment of rank immodesty, I think my two tips of copying the cool people at his school and not practising on people at his school are way more helpful and relevant than anything he'll find in those two books. (Obviously I've read them. Lowndes is really good, but again, like all authors, they can't help but try and teach you to follow the "nice" track.)

lol

What's wrong with being a "nice guy"?

Those two words "nice guy" lumped together have gotten a negative wrap on these forums because people here associate them with "chump" behavior, and I'll say that it's partly true. Usually it's the chumps who are nice guys.

HOWEVER

You CAN be a nice guy and be desirable. It's not like these books are saying to buy people presents or throw out fake compliments to get people to like you. These books actually give you hard-tested ideas at how to TALK with some tact and how to INFLUENCE people by the way you talk and react to them.

Your advice is to "copy" cool people at his school. So essentially you are telling him to stop being himself and start being a poser, which, if I remember correctly, got made fun of MORE than the dorks and dweebs at school. When people see you imitating someone else, they immediately make the association that you are insecure and that you don't know who you are.

However, if you learn how to TALK to people and you learn how to REACT to people naturally (which is what both of these books tips lead you to do), then you will not only be your own person, but you will be well liked.

I honestly can't take you seriously now with that kind of advice. I personally think that your suggestions are the WORST POSSIBLE thing this guy could EVER do. EVER. In the history of the world, your advice is so bad, that I'm honestly wondering if you are just trolling.

But back to the nice guy thing. The people who are most desirable and the most attractive in this world are the ones who know a perfect balance between being nice and knowing when they need to take a stand. The "nice guy" that this site is always ragging on is the nice guy who is a WIMP and tries to supplicate (and IMITATE *WINK*) people and never disagrees with them.

A guy who knows what he wants and isn't afraid to go after it, but who is also able to be "nice" and "pleasant" is the sheer definition of a Don Juan.

If you don't agree with that, that's your perogative of course, but just know that you are wrong and that attitudes like yours is what's wrong with the world today. People think they have to be *******s to get respect, and you truly, truly do not.

 

[Francisco d'Anconia]

lol

What's wrong with being a "nice guy"?...

I think a lot of guys fall short of being charismatic and fall into the "nice guy" pit.

 

[Vypros]

I think a lot of guys fall short of being charismatic and fall into the "nice guy" pit.

Well, then, that's their own dumbness. Seriously, if you think you have to be an ******* to be attractive then you really are just part of the problem.

That's my view on the subject.