Live Your Dream,
You make some good points and trust me I know, I have anger issues lol. I want you guys to continue adding to this thread, I'm going to be a little "quiet" in relation to this thread as I work on the things I listed above. I will have a report and update this thread in about two weeks.
But as mentioned this has been a great thread, there's something for everybody in this thread.
P.S. (ahead of time) I did NOT re-read this to correct my typing/spelling, etc, before I posted, as I know I will only be tempted to judge it and censor it. I know that it all came out of me from the heart and is intended for only the highest good. I trust that whether my typing svcked along the way, you will get the essence that was intended. Yes, it is crazy long, somehow it was just what wanted to said.
Tenacity,
You are good man. You have a good heart. You have amazing courage to stand here and allow in what others offer. It is even more courageous to really look inside and let go of what no longer serves us. I see a greater vision of you can be in this world and what you can offer. First, you must heal yourself, truly and deeply. That is not a process for the faint of heart. It takes guts and willingness to see and feel the most unpleasant and that which has hurt us the most. It's hard as hell, or can be for some. If you have the willingness to go deep inside and face those hurts, not to justify your view of them, but to allow compassion and growth and the realization that in someway, there is purposefulness in all of them, beyond the hurt and disappointment and betrayal.
There is no judgement for your anger or other emotions. Please do not judge yourself, it helps no one. Shame serves no one as well. What does work well in my experience are preferences. Preferring not to live in anger has a different tone and experience, for me.
What you have experienced, and all that has brought you to this point and is the fuel and catalyst for who you can become, if you choose it to be. I can not emphasize or encourage enough that as you look back and clean house inside yourself so to speak, that you take what you see and feel and you shower it with loving. I know that is a word that makes people constrict a bit, but it's the truth in me to share. So, I am going to say it as I know inside myself. As you look back at all that has occurred, and event by event, situation by situation, you bring your loving now, to all that occurred then.
I can imagine your thinking, more new age or new thought bullish!t and I understand that may be your initial response. It's making me chuckle because that very same resistance is what had filled these pages. It's not (entirely) about resistance to the method or your idea that it is new agar or new thought, it is, in my view, more about your resistance to spending and feeling time with the feeling and emotions that devastated you so much, earlier in your life. Why the fvck would anyone want to go back there? I get it. I really do. I have spent decades avoiding my own. I am not here because I have it all figured it out. I am here because you are a mirror to me and many others.
I could delude myself and make this all about helping you and leaving it at that. The deeper truth is, the posts to you are a wake up call to me. As much as your hurts and unresolved experiences are creating walls and defensiveness and altered perceptions, so are mine. I am no different. Mine just have different story lines. The stories themselves are not is what is important. It's bringing love to the child, the adolescent, the young adult, the son, the brother, the boyfriend, the man you wanted to be and become. It's letting those experiences know and feel that while hurt and disappointed, betrayed and devastated, all involved were truly doing the best they could at the time.
I know that may not be a popular sentiment. I am not here looking for popularity or approval. I am here because I feel moved inside to share with you. So I am. I get you may question what I say, resist it, judge it, scoff at it and throw it away even. Something in me knows, that somewhere in you, some part will know there is truth here. There is love here. Whether it just finds a crack and works it way to your heart, something in me believes it will find a way to your heart. Something in me believes that little bit is like sunshine upon a seed waiting to grow. I don't know if you have ever held an acorn in your hand. It's amazing to contemplate that acorn becomes a mighty oak tree that provides shade and much more, for many. The mighty oak tree grows from an acorn into an embodiment of strength.
Tenacity, there is something in me that knows, believes, sees, and I suspect all the others that have hounded you with their posts here, have done so not to get off from being critical or judgmental, but from a place of caring and loving (I know that word again.) and seeing the greatness that goodness that lies inside you. An acorn needs some good soil, sunshine and water so all inside can be set free and it can transform into the mighty oak. I see all the sh!t that has occurred in your life as the soil and fertilizer (if you allow it to be.) The sunshine and water well I'd say there has been a lot happening here. Most importantly is what you choose.
Your choices are what matter above all. Your choice to post back and say you had decided you would be quiet on this thread for a while is a statement of change. It's you creating the opportunity for you to transform your life. There are lots and lots of people here rooting you on, those who have posted and lots of others who have simply read. There is a Tencity of some sort in all of us. We all want you to be the best version of yourself. If you did, we can do it to, and vice versa.
I am cringing as I know this has become crazy long and I imagine all the head shakes and cringes. It is what wanted come forward. I caution you (get this loud and clear) to not distract yourself with trying to report back the changes you are making. The idea sounds great. I get it I really do. Here is the concern in an analogy. As you make changes they will happen on levels you will not even be aware of, IF YOU REMAIN OPEN TO THEM. However, if you are looking to define them and label them you will miss them and (I suspect) distract yourself away from the FULL POTENTIAL of the process.
Here is the analogy, an acorn (yep-that again) becoming an oak tree. It's planted and gets water and sunshine. Try to describe what has happened after 2 weeks. Report the change. Another 2 weeks, report the change. Another 2 weeks, report the change. What you "see" and can report is minuscule and does not even touch the immensity of potential and future unfolding that is ACTUALLY occurring.
It's like when a sperm fertilizes an egg and implants to become a leader amongst us. In the beginning one would see cells multiplying and multiplying into a ball and other weird shapes. Looks like a cluster of who knows what. Any words you could put on THE CHANGE that has occurred would not even tough the immensity of what is actually happening. That cluster of cells has delineated the types of tissues that will become your skin and organs. What becomes your spinal cord and brain are already forming as is the heart that will keep you alive, moment by moment, without your direction, for the rest of your life. (This is no pro life agenda if anyone gets off on that track.) This is an example to say what you could see and write back or post about what was occurring that your view would become limited in ways you may not understand. I don't know how to say that more clearly. It's like the example of an infant to a toddler (just an example) the change over time is dramatic, physically, emotionally, mentally, their capacity to interact the world--and if you tried to break those changes down into reports on a regular basis, you would miss the immensity of he whole change.
I get you like this thread and see benefit it it continuing. I understand. I just encourage you to step back even farther from reporting "what you perceive" as changes happening in you and in your life and KNOW that like those watching an acorn sprout and become a mighty oak or a infant (example only) become a toddler and then a young adult and someday a leader, the growth and change is UNMISTAKEABLE to those looking from the outside. Everyone can see it already. It's in our view by who you are BEING, not by reports you write back needing to show it.
In closing this crazy long post (from the heart), let me say that you have NOTHING to prove to anyone here or anywhere. Who you are, already, is enough. There is no inherent lack or wrongness that must be fixed or corrected or grown to be loved. You are loved. (I know that word.) The pages of people here caring are proof if you need to be reminded. This isn't about fixing yourself from brokenness or lack. This is about remembering the wholeness of who you already are. May you know that always.
Peace.
LYD
