I had sex with my ex last night.

[Lost Cause]

Man what a night. I had been with my ex girlfriend for 3 years and we broke up a few months ago... the reason.... we "grew apart" from each other. As hard as it was to leave the comfort zone of my first LTR it was something that had to happen. I was content with being single and even though at the time I thought she was the girl I would marry eventually, I knew we were young and that was foolish of me to think.

Well she came over yesterday and said she wanted to "bring me a CD she made for me." We used to always make CD's for each other and all that good stuff. So she came over and we talked and had a good time for being an ex. We hadn't talked and laughed like that since about 6 months before we broke up. She finally asked if she could kiss me and I said yes (which i regret now). It turned into an all out sex fest for the next hour and a half.... and it was great! Ah damn.... the goold old days were remembered there. But afterwards her mood changed like no other. She started to doubt herself and said we shouldn't of had sex..... she wouldn't kiss me anymore or touch me. She said she couldn't kiss her friend and this couldn't happen again. WHAT THE FVVCK IS THAT ALL ABOUT?? SHe just fvcked me and now she is getting all defensive like I was the one who initiated it. Why would she want to sleep with me and then turn the cold shoulder on me? I don't get it.

In the end we agreed to keep in touch. I know that she needed time to grow up on her own.... and if it was meant to be.... then... it would happen. Now me and this girl had amazing chemistry together. I've never experienced anything like it and I'm afraid I never will again. We knew each other, could read each other's minds, didn't have to say I love you because we could sense it in each other. It was a really powerful thing I won't experience again. In some ways I want her back now but in others I just want to move on. I'm confused man.... help me out!

 

[chlywly]

Well this is what happens with some women, you have to be careful, just move on you had sex had some fun nothing more to it... if you are good friends with her let her know it's not a big deal tell her it was good sex, and you enjoyed it....

Let her know that it hasn't ruined anything and she shouldn't make such a huge deal out of it, be understanding tell her if she doesnt want to do that anymore its fine you understand, but also let her know lots of couples have casual sex after they break up.....

It's really no so horrible or weird

Good luck.

 

[Bill]

Games games games.... she's playing games with you, like it or not.... she wanted some drama out of this situation and it looks as though she's getting some. Check your back, move on, try not to keep her in your life for too long.
Respect.

 

[dionysius_d]

still.

She spends her time making you a CD, personally delivers it, and then asks if she can kiss, touch (and later fvck) you..

Only a fool could fail to see she is not over you yet.

For you it was just a nice walk down history lane.. and fun too.

For her, she was fighting with herself because she still wants you and is attached to you, however, she understands you are only "friends" now, and you're not into her.

Thus she is in conflict, and trying to work out what to do.

You will need to decide if you can both just be "friends".

 

[chlywly]

Re: still.

Originally posted by dionysius_d
She spends her time making you a CD, personally delivers it, and then asks if she can kiss, touch (and later fvck) you..

Only a fool could fail to see she is not over you yet.

For you it was just a nice walk down history lane.. and fun too.

For her, she was fighting with herself because she still wants you and is attached to you, however, she understands you are only "friends" now, and you're not into her.

Thus she is in conflict, and trying to work out what to do.

You will need to decide if you can both just be "friends".

This is dead on

 

[Lost Cause]

Thanks guys...

But what if i still want to be with her? I think I'm going to call her today and talk about last night. Deep down I want this to work but I don't want to push her away by talking about it all the time. But I think this last conversation will set the tone for how our relationship is going to be from now on.

 

[bp1974]

No, this is typical ex behaviour.

She isn't attracted to you anymore, she just needed to see if she could still have you. This is why she went cold afterwards.

Women don't like to think they couldn't have a guy back even if they dumped him and no longer want a relationship with him. If you'd said no to her, that might have piqued her interest, but as it is it sounds like she's been put off you again because it was too easy to get you back into bed.

I think we've all made this mistake one time or another. That's why when you finish with a girl, if you still care about her you should totally finish with her.

bp1974

 

[Francisco d'Anconia]

Originally posted by Lost Cause
In some ways I want her back now but in others I just want to move on. I'm confused man.... help me out!

Dude, make a list of pros and cons and be bitterly truthful. Then think about what you want from life in general and whether or not her personality and mindset fits into your long term plans.

DO NOT CONFUSE THIS WITH THE POSSIBILITY OF IT WORKING OUT. YOU NEED TO BE COMPLETELY SURE ABOUT THIS IF YOU WANT LONG TERM SUCCESS!!!

 

[drZaius09]

Originally posted by bp1974
She isn't attracted to you anymore, she just needed to see if she could still have you. This is why she went cold afterwards.

This is brilliant. Absolutely, f*cking brilliant. Please please please please listen to this man. He is wise beyond his years.

Women don't like to think they couldn't have a guy back even if hey dumped him and no longer want a relationship with him.

More good stuff. This is nothing but an ego-boost/control thing with her. Can I still control him and make him want me? But she doesn't actually want YOU, she just wants to feel desired. The best response to her behavior after the sex would've been to totally and unequivocally agree with everything she said. "Yes, you are right, this can't happen again." "I was overcome with lust, but I am not attracted to you in that sense anymore." "We can never be anything more than friends." "I'm sorry if I led you on." etc, etc... Then politely kick her ass out of your house.

 

[syncronic]

just a question but did she get off? (have an orgasm) Most exes ive had sex with and gotten her off they wanted me back even more.

Most of the time ex sex is great! sometimes its even better then when you were together. If you've already gotten over all the emotional crap from breaking up then just enjoy the sex with someone you're comfortable with and move on. Dont expect anything to happen really cause you'll be setting yourself up for emotional distruction. I think you should play it cool and not worry about it. She obviously wants you back and its also obvious that she has her own personal issues to work out for herself before she can have a relationship. So time my be what is needed. Until then live it up, have fun and move on with your life. She'll probably come around again doing the same thing and this time dont let your heart get warped by it. Just enjoy the ex sex

 

[Lost Cause]

After talking to her on the phone I am just gonig to give her all the space she needs. No phone calls, no emails, no text messages, no flowers, no notes on her car.... nothing. She wants to discover herself and grow as a person and I can respect that. I need to do some of the same myself.... and better myself as a person and accomplish goals I've set for myself. Granted that I want her in my life and in the future I wouldn't mind getting back together with her.... but now it just can't happen. We did everything too fast, too young.

 

[CyranoDeBergerac]

Originally posted by Lost Cause
After talking to her on the phone I am just gonig to give her all the space she needs. No phone calls, no emails, no text messages, no flowers, no notes on her car.... nothing. She wants to discover herself and grow as a person and I can respect that. I need to do some of the same myself.... and better myself as a person and accomplish goals I've set for myself. Granted that I want her in my life and in the future I wouldn't mind getting back together with her.... but now it just can't happen. We did everything too fast, too young.

You know we're here for you LC. I wasn't worried until I read that last post though. Its just that you're wrecklessly throwing cliche's anywhere.

It might be that she's not over you. It might be that she was horny and knew you'd be down to get dirty. It might be any number of things. But due to the fast that she is your ex for a reason, so letting your mind prance around in the illysium fields of the glory days of your relationship is not only counter-productive but dangerous.

I think it all rests on why you broke up in the first place? There is one ex, one ex of all those that I have known and cared for that I would get back with. We broke up because we could no longer spend time together and it was tearing both of us apart. Its not that we hadn't given it a chance, its that our reason for breaking up was not because anything wasn't working.

So why did you break up?

-CyranoDeBergerac

 

[TesuqueRed]

Originally posted by Lost Cause
...But afterwards her mood changed like no other. She started to doubt herself and said we shouldn't of had sex..... she wouldn't kiss me anymore or touch me. She said she couldn't kiss her friend and this couldn't happen again. WHAT THE FVVCK IS THAT ALL ABOUT?? SHe just fvcked me and now she is getting all defensive like I was the one who initiated it. Why would she want to sleep with me and then turn the cold shoulder on me? I don't get it...

In a word: ASD.

And it gives her an out.

The advice about is dead on about seeing if she could still rope you in...

Don't call and "talk about last night". It was what it was. You will be thinking and acting like a woman if you call and try to work it out (sure, I did that once..)

It doesn't work, really. You clarify a few things, get over a few difficult points, laugh, cry, express your confusion and how time is needed, things are still unclear, it feels good to be friends...yada yada yada yada etc.

Do this once or twice and then you'll find yourself in the same situation yet again! And calling and talking about it will seem unnecessary at this point because you now realize it is what it is, which is obvious and won't change and doesn't need to be discussed. Even if one of you doesn't fully understand it, clarifying it won't help or change anything. So you don't call about these things anymore.

In fact, I think women get annoyed when you do these sorts of things--kinda like you are dense if you can't pick up on obvious things like this and need to talk about it. This is something they expect you to know about already. It's similar to them expecting you to pickup on if they're interested, or not interested, or say "no" and mean "yes", or....

By saying "it is what it is"--poor explanation, I know--means you've been through it and can see it coming, accept it for what it is and let it go without putting much expectation on it.

 

[Lost Cause]

We had broken up for a few reasons.

* She wanted time to figure herself out and what she wanted in life. We had been together since she wa 16 years old and felt like she never got the chance to be an independent woman. She wanted to figure out her ow life and own beliefs and for some reason couldn't do this with me in the picture.


* Our relationship had gone stale. We never really did the little things that made it work so well for the 2 years before. We would eat dinner and go to sleep. Sex wasn't happening like it used to. I'm not really sure why it wasn't but it's killing me now because she was oh so very hot and my love.

* Yes we are young. The next step for us was to move in together and I'm not sure either of us was ready for this. Me being 23 and her 19 is was a difficult position to be in. What do you do after so long? You can't stay in one place forever. You have to move forward, especially with her in this case. I was just being a guy and didn't catch her hints on moving in together. I really wouldn't of been so against it if she had been forthcoming with it.


* I had a suspicion that she was doing cocaine. I had caught her doing this once before in our relationship but she swore she would stop and never do it again. Funny. THe only reason I believed her is because she gained a little bit of weight after I caught her. But over the last few months she has lost a LOT of weight. She is a small (but tall) girl to begin with and she must have lost 15-20 pounds without dieting or excersize. And we would go out to eat all the time. Steak, sushi, you name it. We were living it. She actually told me the other night that she did ectasy a few weeks ago. This further fueled my suspicions.

* I wanted to go out and go to bars/clubs or out doing things and she was a homebody. Now I have become more of one since we broke up. Not because of her but because I for some reason feel like sitting at home some nights now and not going out 24/7.


You know what. Even after all of this I still want her back. Not because I'm an AFC or what not. She has been the love of my life for 3 years. She is my best friend and my lover. I've shared everything with her and that has always been hard for me. I have a lot of my life in order and she filled a void that was missing. We are both dedicated, ambitious people who know what they want. And I know we want each other but for some reason it just isn't happenng. I almost want to bring her flowers or something at her work and get her back. I'm not so sure that would work but I need to try something. I've tried not calling her for 2 months... I've tried the talking about it... i've tried almost everything. I waited 2 months and she said it hasn't been long enough. And she still was figuring her life out and if it was meant to be then we would be back together. She said she had a few hopes for us in the future but didn't say what they were. SHe sounded sincere when saying this but I'm not so sure.

Damn my emotions are going back and forth. One second I say fukk her and call every girl I know to get a booty call. And the next I'm whining like a little girl wanting her back.

What should I do???????????????????????

 

[Matt ala Casanova]

Christ man!

There appears to be alot of variables in this equation. On one hand you want to take care of her and on the other you want to get rid of her.

Let her go my friend! It will suck and hurt at first but you need to let this bird fly or she will do nothing but peck at you! I had a girl sorta like this before and it was the hardest thing to do to let her go, it hurt!! I had to do it though, so she could grow and I could as well.

Oneitis has its grips on you right now, be strong as a man and let her go.

In the end you will grow and gain alot of experience from this!

M.A.C.

 

[Lost Cause]

Hey I understand this. A lot has happened in our relationship but what can you do? I know I have to let her go but I'm afraid she will never come back. And the old cliche is 'if you love someone let them go and if they come back it was meant to be.' yada yada. i'm not so sure i believe that one. but i will let her go and i still feel like **** for sleeping with her. i might of had a chance if i didn't do so and just kicked her out of my place. damn i was just a horny bastard.. so sue me. She was a great girl but we just found each other too young.

If we're going to get back together at some point I am going to need to do what she is doing. I am going to better myself both physically and mentally and become a more well rounded person.

You know what. I welcome her to date other guys... I want her to find someone who treated her the way I did. I want her to find someone who was truly interested in her life. I want her to find someone who loved to cook for her and go on spontaneous trips and do all of this. I want her to find someone who wouid cover her car in flowers while she was sleeping. I want her to find someone who cared about her as much as I. GOOOOOD LUCK. I was her first relationship and I ruined her for other guys. I set the standard pretty high for future boyfriends of hers.... good luck .

 

[Matt ala Casanova]

You got it my friend...also grab your nuts!

M.A.C.

 

[Lost Cause]

Grab my nuts? Why?

 

[Matt ala Casanova]

Because you need some real life experience with this one. Get off the band wagon and live! It hurts and you want to be with this girl, but you know what man, it's not good timing right now. I don't even know you but you know, it's all the same thing, over and over! Just different names and different areas. Boy meets girl, girl gets crazy, boy feels bad for girl, boy trys to help girl, etc, etc, etc.....then boy finds sosuave.com and fusses about it and never listens!

Hence...grab ya nuts!

Find one of those quiet girls in the back of a club and let her bring into your life complete and utter happiness, and let this one go!

M.A.C.

 

[Lost Cause]

I know what yer saying man... I am going to get out and do my thing... just not with quiet girls. Man they aren't my thing. I'm too loud to have a mute by my side. I will always hold out hope that one day we'll be back together. Maybe that's because she was my first love (not first sex).... but at any rate there will always be a love for her somewhere inside of me.