I had sex with my ex last night.

[BGMan]

I'm guessing her emotions are all over the map right now, so she won't be suitable for ANY guy (you included) for probably the rest of the year.

Don't be afraid to walk away from any girl. Maybe she'll come back to you of her own accord, and maybe she won't. If she does (and doesn't talk about any "friends" horse-hockey) then you will know for sure that she really wants you back. If she doesn't, date other women. Like it or not, there are women out there who are as hot, if not hotter, than your ex.

Oh, and by the way... in your next relationship, don't do dumb things like cover her car in flowers at night. That just SCREAMS "AFC". Also, if you're going to cook, do it WITH her rather than FOR her. Maybe you have been too much of a Nice Guy. I don't think age has anything to do with it. In other words, I don't think you set the standard too high for most of us here.

BGMan

 

[Lost Cause]

SHe loves that kind of stuff. Believe it or not there are some girls who like when their boyfriend surprises them with flowers or cooks for them. We did cook together sometimes. But there were others where I would just cook for her as well. It went back and forth. And yes I set the standard pretty damn high. All of her friends wanted a guy like me and it got to the point where my ex wouldn't invite them over anymore. haha good times. in the beginning i used to put notes on her car once in awhile. i stopped doing this for about a year and in one of our fights she said something like "i miss the little things you used to do" ... implying what i've been saying to you. i honestly thought i was going to marry this girl and had been so comfortable with her i didn't think of anything else. i never thought we wouldn't be together forever. but life seems to throw nasty curveballs sometimes.

 

[BGMan]

Dude, I think you're forgetting a cardinal rule about dating.

"Never ask women for advice about women." -- that British guy on The Tuxedo

Also, here's the BIGGEST thing to remember. A woman will lose interest in her man long before she dumps him. Whereas the relationship may have lasted 3 years in your view, it actually probably went something like this:

First year -- she is deeply infatuated with you and thinks you're an awesome boyfriend. During this time, you are probably doing AFC stuff like leaving notes and flowers on her car.

Second year -- she is getting a strange feeling in her gut, which she can't even understand, telling her that you aren't really all that you're cracked up to be. But she still is in love with you.

Third year -- this is when the fights start. There's constant arguing and making up. But her interest level in you is now below sea level and the fights become more frequent. Eventually, she informs you that the relationship is terminated. I know this was happening because you said "one of our fights", which implies that you thought it was a normal part of a relationship. Well, only if the relationship is going south!

Now, you said she missed the little things you used to do. Perhaps, but it may have been those "little things" -- done in EXCESS -- which drew her away from you! Women, and ESPECIALLY young women, aren't aware of what actually attracts and emotionally excites them. Wanna know why many women are with jerks? Because they don't call back, they may even stand her up, and they rarely show affection, they never tell her they love her, and so forth. What a guy must do, and it may seem rather cruel, is to have jerk-like behavior yet at the same time treat her respectfully and show her affection every so often. It's actually more complex than that, but there are posts by Pook and others which go into more detail.

BGMan

 

[CyranoDeBergerac]

Oooh, this is a sticky one. Feel special because I'm sneaking some time from work to check on you.

I can only speak for myself, but given the situation, and believe me I know how it feels, I would say that keeping your distance is a good idea. It didn't sound like a healthy relationship or even one where your chemistry was spot on. Plus, if she's dealing with drug issues...I don't mess around with it.

Furthermore, (and feel free to tell me I'm full of it) it sounds like you've been in a funk for a while. If I were to hazard a geuss, I might say that because she was pretty much all you've known of dating for a while and thus when you were separated, it is normal to feel like you've been taken out of the game. This might have contributed greatly in your decision to sleep with her. (notice I'm using my gift for understatement here) You'll get out of it in your own time, but it sounds like you still have some issues at present. Remember, we're here for you.

But now for some good news. There is no reason to feel bad about sleeping with her. We're human, not rock people. (though come to think of it, it might be kinda cool if I was a rock person...) Sometimes we do things that in hindsight we can see probably weren't the best ideas to begin with, but we can chalk it up to a moment of weakness and move on.

You'll be fine with or without her. The important thing it to view this case objectively and do what you know will make you happier in the long run. I have every confidence you'll make the right choice. Stay strong, man. Keep us updated on this one, will you?

Best of luck in life and love my DJ brethren.

-CyranoDeBergerac

 

[Donny Brasco]

You have to get with the program buddy. If you want her back, make a plan. This would include no phone calls, no helping her out, practically getting on with your life and becoming a better person. One of two things will happen...

A) She realizes she made a mistake and comes around
B) You realize she's not good enough for you (my thoughts)

or even
C) She comes around and you've already moved on to someone more exciting, stimulating and sexy then that girl. I know this seems hard to grasp but it will happen.

I have just read this entire post in the last 5 minutes and you sound like your slowly drowning. Stop feeling sorry for yourself and do something!!

 

[Lost Cause]

Thank you all for your very insightful comments. They mean a lot to me and a lot of you are dead on with what is going on here.

I have set goals for myself but not necesarrily (sp?) to get her back in my life. These are goals I have wanted to do for awhile but haven't been able to accomplish in a relationship of this magnitude. Maybe this is what she is doing as well??? I don't know.

Some goals for myself.

* To finish school and make a plan for it.
* To hit the gym and get bigger, stronger, leaner, sexier!
* To recognize people's needs and feelings better than I do.
* To learn how to share my passions with people better.
* To finally put out that demo CD of my band (we've been lagging).
* To get a bartending job. (I already have a good steady income from a business I own and from a trust fund but I've always wanted to be a bartender and meet some new people).
* To not be such a damn b1tch when it comes to women.
* To go skydiving -- ahh yeah.
* To be happy and content in my life with the little things and not focus so much on the limelight and acceptance.

I think I just want what I can't have. I had actually thought about breaking up with her before but never did. Now that I am the one who got my a$$ dumped I am feeling like **** instead of her.

 

[incognito]

Before you posted you must have been able to predict the kind of responses you would get on this site.

Well here's one a little different.

You know what this girl is like and what works. Everyone here talks and talks but have they got the proof. There are a few universal how to deal with people (women) things to learn but the treat 'em mean keep 'em keen philosophies get a bit exagerrated, and some of the people giving you advice have been wacking it for a long time, or maybe their whole lives.

Don't give up, and it seems a big change from:

Now me and this girl had amazing chemistry together. I've never experienced anything like it and I'm afraid I never will again. We knew each other, could read each other's minds, didn't have to say I love you because we could sense it in each other. It was a really powerful thing I won't experience again. In some ways I want her back now but in others I just want to move on. I'm confused man.... help me out!

to:

I think I just want what I can't have. I had actually thought about breaking up with her before but never did. Now that I am the one who got my a$$ dumped I am feeling like **** instead of her.

Just because these people have downloaded more porn in their lives doesn't mean you should listen.

I haven't made a point yet, so here it is.
NEXTing is very easy, and everyone here talks about it left right and centre, but if you are really as motivated as you sound and you do think you might want her back, be honest about it and try, you don't need to go and cry to her, but put your balls on the line and keep working at it.

 

[Lost Cause]

I intend on trying in the future but not now. I tried this the other night when this all went down and it had no effect on her. She said it was too soon and she hadn't had her space yet. I will give her space and I will let her figure herself out. I love her that much and I owe it to her as a person and someone I care about... all my feeling aside. She said she had hopes for us in the future and that we indeed did have chemistry together. Time will tell though. I don't plan on "NEXTing" her. It isn't like I met her last week at a bar and she gave me the cold shoulder. She meant a lot to me and was a part of every aspect of my life. This is the first time I have gone from everything to nothing and it hurts like a b1tch. Man I feel so lost when I walk around right now. It's like I had my life in order and all of the sudden I'm spinning in a spiral and can't find anything to hold onto. But no i won't call her tomorrow and bring flowers to her work..... not yet. She needs to miss me..... and I need to miss her as well... beyond my "needy" phase. Then we'll see what happens.

Peace,

LC

 

[Ser_i]

haven't read all of it, cause it's not important, what happend is not important, she tested you to see if she could get you back into bed.. you did.. now she thinks she won. don't think about it, it just happend and it does not change anything for you


I've had the same with my ex. Saturday the day before she went on a holiday to spain she "came over" with an excuse to drop off my stuff after 2 months... I had dropped off everything at her place right the following day. what started with a conversation.. about how I was feeling and what I was thinking of her now and how I was going to feel knowing she's going on holiday to spain... I did not give her any idea's on how i felt.

just said. I am great, I think you're an okay girl if I look at you now. and I didn't think much of her holiday cause I have my own comming up wednesday (today) she just kept on comming closer and got frustrated we ended up on bed, great sex once again.. it's just WHOW! with her.. after it she said she regrets what we just did. I just didn't react.. she asked my opinion.. hey it just happend don't make a big deal out of it. I got a holiday comming up and I'm not gonna play any of your games girl, i'm not that kind of fool

she has called me 3 times allready from holiday.

revenge allways is best if you do it slowly and painfully

 

[drZaius09]

Originally posted by incognito
NEXTing is very easy, and everyone here talks about it left right and centre, but if you are really as motivated as you sound and you do think you might want her back, be honest about it and try

Sure, you can do this. But do you really want to turn your life into a Freddie Prinze Jr or Jason Biggs box-office AFC nightmare? Do you really want to risk your dignity and self-respect for what, in reality, amounts to ONE single girl out of 3 billion. I'm sure you think she's special now, but I got news for you: SHE'S NOT. You are the one who's special. Right now that special nature of yours entitles you to go out and explore your options; the limitless opportunities which are just within your reach.

Consider yourself lucky that although this was a test, you at least still got some ass out of the deal. Back in the day I had a few occassions where exes have come over and c0ck-teased me for an hour then left without giving anything up! They got what they wanted (someone to make them feel desired) then they hit the road. At least she gave up a piece in exchange for her ego boost. You're a fortunate guy! Now take that attitude and find a new girl.

 

[KiInCollege]

I've read all your replies.

The absolute best thing you can do to get her back is see someone else.

Since you were with her for so long, you have rationalized that you can give her flowers, little notes, or some other romantic act to get her back. These things are fine with a girl that loves you as much, but in this situation, where she wants space and is less interested, you must use challenge...and the ultimate act of challenge is dating someone else.

Some things to think about:

1. Is she seeing someone else?

2. Space could mean months apart. Failing to acknowledge her space needs will build resentment.

3. Do you really still love everything about her, or do you just want things back at the status quo?

4. Are you using this situation to its maximum advantage?

Before I met my current love, I had been dating heavily. You never know when you'll meet someone better. Use this opportunity to meet someone else, polish your game, while at the same time remain challenging to her.

Good luck.

 

[Lost Cause]

No she isn't seeing someone else. The day she came over, she saw me on my balcony with my friends girlfriend and started crying (according to her). I'm sure that's why she came over in the first place.... to check it out. But if she didn't want me back then why would she care? The second she realized that it wasn't a new girl then she felt like she was in control again. Is she just toying with me and wanting to keep me away from everyone while she decides her future?

I feel like I have given her all control in the relationship (or lack thereof). I have fallen prey to sleeping with her, I have asked for her back and I have called her. I need to do something to get her thinking that I don't care anymore, even though I do.

I found a necklace that I got her on our first anniversary. I thought about puting it in an envelope and dropping it in her mailbox with a note that says something like "I have no use for this anymore, enjoy. Seeya!" or something like that. Something to give her an impression that I am moving on. Good Idea?? She thinks she has me by the nuts and can do whatever she wants, take as much time to 'figure it out'.

I need to do something here to show her I am a man and I don't take **** from her.

 

[bp1974]

I need to do something here to show her I am a man and I don't take **** from her.

This is classic. You're STILL trying to manipulate her into coming back to you by showing her how you've suddenly grown a pair, only now you're justifying it with your own pride and maybe dressing it up with a desire for revenge too.

If you really mean what you say, then the thing that you need to do is stay the f*ck away from her and find some new things to do. Don't talk to her, don't message her, nothing. If she contacts you, ignore her, or tell her you're busy. That is the ONLY thing that will show THE WORLD that you're a man and can act like one.

bp1974

 

[Lost Cause]

The last few days have been quite the reflecting phase for me. I have been sorting out the entire relationship and what went right and wrong. What I could have done differently and why it got to a breaking point. I have also started reading a book called "The Bonds That Make Us Free." It's a great book on relationships and youself and I suggest it to anyone going through what I am right now. It opens up a whole new world to you.

I would still take her back at this point. She was the love of my life but I have realized that probably won't happen. I have stopped caling her (Monday morning was last time). I must resist all urges.

I have asked myself a lot of questions that I still don't know the answers to.

Why wasn't she interested in my hobbies? She didn't even know my damn band name.

Why was I rarely allowed over to her house?

Why were here friends kept seperate from me?

Why was she doing drugs behind my back?

WHy did she take for granted everything I did for her?


..... I almost want to corner her and get all the answer but that won't solve anything. And I'm not so sure I would want the truuth out of her on these.


SHe always wanted me to change. I got pretty comfortable in life for awhile and forgot about my goals and everything. I thought I had her in the bag and I took her for granted. Over the last 2 months I have tried to improve myself in every area. When I talked to her last weekend she thought I sounded like a totally different person. SHe said "If you keep this up, you'll be the perfect guy." WHAT THE HELL DID THAT MEAN? I almost think she is waiting to see if I become a better man and grasp a hold of my life before she decides whether or not to jump back in. But maybe I'm being too optomistic.

I've got a plan. I'm not going to talk to her for a month and then I will call her and ask her to join me for lunch. Nothing serious.... no relationship talk... just fun. I want to show her that I am still the same funny, spontaneous, ambitious, playful guy that I have always been but sometimes failed to show. SHe needs to see this side of me again.....

 

[sunnyside]

dude.... stop making plans on how to get her back, youll feel ****ty for that entire month expecting something youy wont get. find another girl.