I give up on women

[SkrooU]

Can't make it more than 90 days without having to dump them.

Is it me? Maybe I'm just not built to deal with relationship problems without shutting down?

Been seeing a few people for a couple months. One asks to be exclusive last saturday. I said yes. Then told her I had a week long work-related trip on the east coast, wednesday through the following wednesday. She gets disappointed and asks if we can talk on the phone every other day while I'm gone and text everyday. I agree.

So last night I fell asleep watching the world series in my hotel room and woke up to a few texts asking why she hasn't heard from me all day. I called her and she sounded worried, asking if everything is ok between us. I said yes just fell asleep it was a long day.

Now here's where it gets weird. There was a lot of background noise on her end. Usually it's her TV. So I asked her to turn the TV off. Turns out that she's at a bar to meet her friend. I already don't like this but say nothing, until I find out it's a Halloween event and she's dressed like a Hooters waitress. And then she started saying how she needs a man who can make her feel secure and attractive.

So I said it sounds like you're in the perfect position to find that at the bar and told her to have a good time because I was going back to bed since it was now 1 in the morning east coast time. And she got upset asking if I'm breaking up with her. She said I sound mad and I'm being rude and wants to know if my feelings have changed. And she said she has strong feelings for me and just missed me today and waited all day for me to call but I didn't call and she doesn't want to lose me and she doesn't even like bars and just wants to go home and it's just her friend's idea to go to this party.

So I have to summarize to her what exactly is going:
You're telling me that I have to be the one to initiate communications so that you can feel secure. But one day I don't call soon enough so you go to a bar with your single girlfriend and your dressed like Hooters waitresses, and then tell me you need a man who makes you feel secure and attractive. And I'm stuck in a hotel room 2500 miles away. Do you not understand how this is coming across to me?

And it just goes in circles a couple times. So I said I give up. I told her I knew this conversation was going to happen when I was away on my 8 day trip. She said I am misunderstanding everything and she just wanted me to know she missed me and to hear me say everything was ok. She wants to know what I mean when I say give up. Does it mean I give up on her?

I asked why she didn't call me if she missed me. She said I thought maybe you were at a bar with coworkers or just didn't want to be bothered. I try one last time to work this out. I said she can call me whenever she wsnts as long as I'm not working. She says ok. Then ending the call she asks me to promise her I would call each day this weekend and not make her wait too long and worry each day.

So basically right back to square one. I don't even want to call her anymore at this point. I just want to enjoy my weekend here and be done with her. I'm going to wait until later just to clear my head before acting on this.

So is this just me not having the tolerance for relationships? I mean I know I could've handled this better instead of making it worse. But I don't want to have to put kiddy gloves on to make a relationship work.

 

[Kultam]

My thought: She asked you three times if you two are still together to have some reason not to cheat on you in that bar. But more likely she provoked you first to give her a reason to cheat. But anyway I feel you.

 

[SkrooU]

My thought: She asked you three times if you two are still together to have some reason not to cheat on you in that bar. But more likely she provoked you first to give her a reason to cheat. But anyway I feel you.

This was my thought exactly. That's why I told her to make the most out of the opportunity to find a man who makes her feel attractive and secure lol.

 

[Reyaj]

What's sad is her behavior makes her valuable compared to most contemporary western women.

 

[btownbuck2012]

What's sad is her behavior makes her valuable compared to most contemporary western women.

No way. Not in my experience. Her needy "call me everyday so I know we're ok" is slut projection. She's constantly on the look out for validation(i.e. Sex and attention from other men) that she assumes that's how everyone behaves. The only reason she's acting like that with OP is because the relationship is so fresh. She'll drop him quicker than a box of rocks the minute he becomes boring/and or she finds a better guy, in her mind, to leave him for. Nothing valuable about this woman.

 

[guru1000]

It's a great market for those who have the most value to offer it. Though, part of capitalizing in a great market, is not wasting your time with incompatible or difficult women like this.

Demote or drop her.

 

[sazc]

idk about slut projection, could be. to me it does reek of insecurity, and possibly that she has been cheated on before and needs contact because of that. it is all about validation

I dont consider 90 days a fresh relationship. I would hope that boundaries and rust would be somewhat established by then.

I agree with @guru1000 but I think you need to move on from her because she will drag you down with needy drama if you try to demote her.

Dont be so hard on yourself. You didnt shape this chick. You have nothing to do with how she chooses to behave in relationships. if anything, you may lack the ability to screen on these levels but, as long as you acknowledge this, you can fix it.

Step one, as I see it, in fixing your picker is to be up front about your ability to text/contact.

There is nothing wrong with, after a few dates with someone you like, letting a female know "hey, I cant always call or text, cant always respond immediately. It's not that I dont want to, it's just that sometimes life or my profession has me tied up. If you need someone whom is super responsive all the time, im not your guy" this way they already know the score, and what to expect, going in. And, that way, if they complain, you can remind them that you let them know who you were before.

 

[exhausted]

She seemed paranoid beyond belief and right off the bat.. there is a reason for everything.
What is hers?.
Is she redeemable?
Can she grow? Improve?

U never know until u put the time in.


Seems all we do is waste time energy and money on these women and all for nothing

 

[MrAddiction]

Yes. Sometimes you know what you would have to do to make it work. But you are just tired of that **** and simply not willing to do because the feeling is: it just is not worth it. Not worth the Energy. Not worth the drama. Not worth the reward.

 

[BeExcellent]

Nah, just give up on her. You went on a business trip and now you can see who/what she is.

Terribly insecure and controlling and passive aggressive. That is who/what she is.

Now you know so you can free up your time & be open to others.

Never forget it's a numbers game. The faster you recognize and reject those who aren't good enough, the more time you have to perhaps meet someone who IS good enough.

Don't project her shortcomings onto every other woman or you'll never recognize a good one through the filters of your own baggage.

Jettison, reset, and restart. Be open and quit projecting and expecting. Otherwise you shoot yourself in the foot.

Enjoy the process. Just relax and enjoy it. How many men here shame me for example that I'm not remarried? Like that somehow makes me less than, lol. A. I don't plan to remarry and B. I likely have not yet met a great LTR candidate (although one is interesting right now so we'll see.) I have standards and I have much to offer relative to the market...so best to keep an open mind & be patient. You never know who you'll next meet.

My guy is currently on vacation with a buddy for 2 weeks. For all I know he's chasing tail. In fact I'd be more surprised if he isn't, lol. I don't care & I don't need a bunch of reassurances. I have much more than just "tail" to offer & he has been contacting me every few days without me creeping on him, calling him, or initiating. I'm just responsive, warm & open. Receptive but take or leave him. When he gets back from his trip we will go from there and if he so desires things will continue to develop organically. Very different dynamic than what you describe, FWIW.

The problem I see with men who advocate the "get her to chase" method for example here is that women who will chase a man (like the woman in your example) eventually will chase him right off by being insecure stage 5 clinger types.

Those are some thoughts. Just start over. Clean slate.

 

[taiyuu_otoko]

So is this just me not having the tolerance for relationships?

Too many assumptions being made on both parts.

Don't let that happen.

Always define your terms (to yourself first if you need to). Those "worthy" will stick around. Those that aren't won't.

 

[The Duke]

Too much assuming here.

She is insecure and is going to need reassurance. You become annoyed with her expectations. To make this relationship work, you two need to sit down and figure out a happy medium that you can both live with. She also needs to learn some coping skills to put her anxiety at bay.

I've dated girls like this. It doesn't mean they are sluts or are going to act on every guy that is at the bar hitting on her. If her insecurities are coming from a place of sincerity and endearment then I wouldn't give up on her.

The real issue is you two haven't sat down and discussed how to handle situations like this. Take the 5 Love Languages test while you are at it so you can understand each others needs better. I'd be surprised if "words of affirmation" aren't high on her list.

When you get involved in situations like this, you need to keep your head on and stay secure, just let her talk. Many women desire these traits in men(they are qualities of a leader). Its what keeps women grounded. By you getting upset about her hanging out at the bar shows you have some insecurities as well. All you did was fight fire with fire. You need to let her know you understand her feelings she has for you. She is looking to you to validate how she feels about the relationship.

 

[SkrooU]

Nah, just give up on her. You went on a business trip and now you can see who/what she is.

Terribly insecure and controlling and passive aggressive. That is wn hho/what she is.

Now you know so you can free up your time & be open to others.

Never forget it's a numbers game. The faster you recognize and reject those who aren't good enough, the more time you have to perhaps meet someone who IS good enough.

Don't project her shortcomings onto every other woman or you'll never recognize a good one through the filters of your own baggage.

Jettison, reset, and restart. Be open and quit projecting and expecting. Otherwise you shoot yourself in the foot.

Enjoy the process. Just relax and enjoy it. How many men here shame me for example that I'm not remarried? Like that somehow makes me less than, lol. A. I don't plan to remarry and B. I likely have not yet met a great LTR candidate (although one is interesting right now so we'll see.) I have standards and I have much to offer relative to the market...so best to keep an open mind & be patient. You never know who you'll next meet.

My guy is currently on vacation with a buddy for 2 weeks. For all I know he's chasing tail. In fact I'd be more surprised if he isn't, lol. I don't care & I don't need a bunch of reassurances. I have much more than just "tail" to offer & he has been contacting me every few days without me creeping on him, calling him, or initiating. I'm just responsive, warm & open. Receptive but take or leave him. When he gets back from his trip we will go from there and if he so desires things will continue to develop organically. Very different dynamic than what you describe, FWIW.

The problem I see with men who advocate the "get her to chase" method for example here is that women who will chase a man (like the woman in your example) eventually will chase him right off by being insecure stage 5 clinger types.

Those are some thoughts. Just start over. Clean slate.

I don't think I'm projecting. I see everyone as unique. It is always something different with each person. As far as getting women to chase, I try to keep it a mutual 50/50 arrangement to avoid games rooted in insecurity. The issue with this one is she tries to get me to chase if I don't give her enough reassurance. It is not a game a woman will win against me.

 

[SkrooU]

idk about slut projection, could be. to me it does reek of insecurity, and possibly that she has been cheated on before and needs contact because of that. it is all about validation

I dont consider 90 days a fresh relationship. I would hope that boundaries and rust would be somewhat established by then.

I agree with @guru1000 but I think you need to move on from her because she will drag you down with needy drama if you try to demote her.

Dont be so hard on yourself. You didnt shape this chick. You have nothing to do with how she chooses to behave in relationships. if anything, you may lack the ability to screen on these levels but, as long as you acknowledge this, you can fix it.

Step one, as I see it, in fixing your picker is to be up front about your ability to text/contact.

There is nothing wrong with, after a few dates with someone you like, letting a female know "hey, I cant always call or text, cant always respond immediately. It's not that I dont want to, it's just that sometimes life or my profession has me tied up. If you need someone whom is super responsive all the time, im not your guy" this way they already know the score, and what to expect, going in. And, that way, if they complain, you can remind them that you let them know who you were before.

I remember you replying to one of my questions earlier this year when you said I should discuss expectations/dealbreakers sooner. I have actually tried applying that advice. I did with this chick. I just straight up asked her how often she needed to hear from me and through which communication methods. Normally I would not do this, but she just seemed worried so I decided to take the mystery out of the equation to put her at ease. It did no good. I have found that she is testing me now to see if I follow through with this. This is an instant turn off to me.

I honestly think I'm done with dating. Maybe if I get horny then I'll do the hookup thing. But I have just become numb to the entire process. I guess someone can only be disappointed so many times.

 

[SkrooU]

Too much assuming here.

She is insecure and is going to need reassurance. You become annoyed with her expectations. To make this relationship work, you two need to sit down and figure out a happy medium that you can both live with. She also needs to learn some coping skills to put her anxiety at bay.

I've dated girls like this. It doesn't mean they are sluts or are going to act on every guy that is at the bar hitting on her. If her insecurities are coming from a place of sincerity and endearment then I wouldn't give up on her.

The real issue is you two haven't sat down and discussed how to handle situations like this. Take the 5 Love Languages test while you are at it so you can understand each others needs better. I'd be surprised if "words of affirmation" aren't high on her list.

When you get involved in situations like this, you need to keep your head on and stay secure, just let her talk. Many women desire these traits in men(they are qualities of a leader). Its what keeps women grounded. By you getting upset about her hanging out at the bar shows you have some insecurities as well. All you did was fight fire with fire. You need to let her know you understand her feelings she has for you. She is looking to you to validate how she feels about the relationship.

I wasn't insecure about her meeting some guy at the bar. I was turned off by her reason for being there and the way she was dressed. She had asked me several times if I was going to the bar and talking to women. She also said she doesn't go to bars. But suddenly she's at a bar and insinuating that I might be losing interest in her? Just came across as suspicious and hypocritical.

 

[Toddz]

I would compare your situation to a plane experiencing engine trouble beginning to lose speed and altitude headed straight towards a mountain. Now, if you were a passenger on that plane with a parachute would you bail or ride it out and hope for the best?

I'd bail

 

[sazc]

I remember you replying to one of my questions earlier this year when you said I should discuss expectations/dealbreakers sooner. I have actually tried applying that advice. I did with this chick. I just straight up asked her how often she needed to hear from me and through which communication methods. Normally I would not do this, but she just seemed worried so I decided to take the mystery out of the equation to put her at ease. It did no good. I have found that she is testing me now to see if I follow through with this. This is an instant turn off to me.

I honestly think I'm done with dating. Maybe if I get horny then I'll do the hookup thing. But I have just become numb to the entire process. I guess someone can only be disappointed so many times.

Maybe she doesn't have the capacity to be honest with herself enough to voice her real needs? Maybe you are right in that she's simply testing if you will follow thru.

Either way, always look for a female that brings PEACE to the relationship. This one sounds like sure had some inner stuff to work on. She's not ready for you.

 

[sazc]

I wasn't insecure about her meeting some guy at the bar. I was turned off by her reason for being there and the way she was dressed. She had asked me several times if I was going to the bar and talking to women. She also said she doesn't go to bars. But suddenly she's at a bar and insinuating that I might be losing interest in her? Just came across as suspicious and hypocritical.

Yep, she's afraid to be who she really is. She's worried about being judged, so she "find" and tells people what she thinks they want to hear, and then she had to keep up the charade. No wonder she is insecure and thinks you are lying to her, SHE isn't being authentic with you.

She's not ready for a real relationship and nothing you can do is going to change that. She has to figure that out herself.

Move on

 

[SkrooU]

That's fvcked up. You never saw any Redflags before?

Aside from noticing that she wasn't perfect, no.

 

[SkrooU]

Just an update for anyone who likes to see proof that you shouldn't try to rationalize things like this.

I spent the weekend with her to just see what happens and to give her the talk in person instead of ghosting her, which has become a bad habit of mine. And this is what happened:
Show up saturday evening. She made a nice dinner, lit up about 100 candles, good bottle of wine. And she's having a good time. So I go with it, actually thinking I was going to overlook what happened. We get to her bed and she's feeling a little tipsy and acting like she's on cloud 9. At dinner we were talking about her learning German. I studied it for 2 years. So as she is lying there naked and me taking my shirt off she asks me to count to 10 in german. Then she says, "that is so sexy, maybe i should go find a german guy, they are so hot". Instant boner killer!
So I said it sounds like a plan and that I forgot I made plans with someone else that night and had to go. She of course gets upset and we go through about 20 minutes of her apologizing and making excuses and then saying I misunderstood. So I decided to nail her one last time anyway. And I fell asleep. I wake up to a good breakfast and after I say I am going to get coffee and asks if she wants to go. I planned to tell her that I didn't think we were a good match.
And at Starbucks, she puts her arm around mine and starts saying how sorry she was and how handsome I am and how she has never laughed so much with another guy.
Then I tell her to tell the cashier what she wants while I take 20 more seconds to look at the menu. And then I hear this: "Why aren't you being a gentleman and paying for my coffee?"
I look over and she's handing the cashier her credit card.
So she gave me the perfect reason to dump her, again, just when I was planning to do it. And before I dumped her, I just wanted to tell her how rude it was for her to say that to me, and how I was going to pay for her coffee but she screwed it all up. And her reaction was predictable. Somehow she got it in her head that I was belittling her and talking down to her, making her feel inferior. She wanted to know where my thick skin was.

This is exactly what I am fed up with. It's like a disease among women these days. No accountability, just blame shifting and victimizing themselves instead. I mean it really blows my mind. And I just straight up told her this. And then she goes from tears to anger, instantly. I I hadn't even dumped her yer. She snaps at me and says, "do not compare me to other women. I hate other women. Women are entitled jealous b1tches. I am not like that. I am not the women from your past".
And I just laughed in disbelief. I said actually you ARE an entitled b1tch, which is why you publically insulted me, demanding that I buy you something simply because i have a penis and you have a vagina. And by the way, as of now, you are a woman from my past. It's over. I actually feel sorry for you. You are completely clueless as to why you can't keep a man. Maybe listen to what I have told you this week and you'll learn something."

Oh and then I got the standard line: you are just like all the other men, treating me like a sexual object and throwing me away. I am just a victim of culture". She actually said that about being a victim of culture.

My mind is still blown. This culture is seriously f'd up. Something is wrong.