I finally got some answers and understand why I get rejected

[Jariel]

Thanks everyone for the input on this.

I feel a lot more positive about it now and I went into work yesterday deciding to be less of a clown. I cannot believe how immediate and dramatic the change was. Instead of neg hitting the girls and have them neg hit me back, I just asked them how they were, about their uni courses and alike. I ended up having some decent conversations. Likewise with my male work mates. While we did joke around a bit, it felt more mutual, rather than me trying to entertain them.

I felt more natural this way. I felt like I was getting back to the person I used to be before I started trying to be the alpha male, c+f and the rest of it.

I've always maintained that the best path for the DJ is to be natural, quietly confident and to avoid any kind of contrived behaviour and fakeness. And yet only now do I see what a performer I have become and how many of my conversations have been like stand up comedy acts and how difficult it must be for people to get to know me.

I could be wrong, but I feel like I've reached one of those momentous turning points that happen every so often in a DJ's development.

 

[Atom Smasher]

Jariel,

Add me to the anti-clown crowd.

Being too smiley, laughing and joking all the time, trying to be the "funny" guy, always trying to have the perfect suave/****y/teasing response to everything will at best, cause people to not have much respect for you, even if they like you. At worst, it'll make people think you're just an annoying clown trying too hard to impress.

I know this firsthand because I was always that guy.....I was also the guy with few friends and lots of people who preferred to avoid me altogether. I cringe when I think about how I used to be vs. how I am now. The change in people's attitude towards me was like night and day when I stopped being an annoying douche and started taking myself a little more seriously.

A little bit of lightheartedness peppered in will make you shine way more than someone who defines his reality as one big joke. If you're going to be a full-time comedian then at least charge for it. There's something to be said about the man who keeps to himself, speaks only when necessary, and let his actions define who he is.

I was reading through the thread and was going to say something very similar to this, but sstype articulated it perfectly.

Jariel, you've struck pure gold. You've come across a life-changing realization, as you've already found out by now.

 

[t00dumb]

great thread,

on top of that, here's a research on what women think of funny guys. 2009 article but still very insightful.

http://articles.cnn.com/2009-04-02/...t_1_women-value-funny-guys-humor?_s=PM:HEALTH

 

[yuppaz]

Congrats man! I'm glad you found a better balance for yourself that you are more at ease with!!!!

 

[f283000]

"Well, Jariel, you're this big and bad looking guy. You're really sexy and fit, but you don't act that way. You act too cute and friendly and you make a joke about everything! I am amazed how quick you are and how you can turn anything into a funny story or joke, but sometimes people want to be serious."

"You're quite immature. I'm not saying that's a bad thing when it's among mates, but it's not what a girl wants. I mean, when I first saw you I thought you would be rough and broody, and dominant...that's sexy to me, and to a lot of girls. But the way you act makes you look like a bit of a softy....maybe you're too fun and approachable if that makes sense"

Translation = you look like a bad boy and attract women like a bad boy, but act as a nice guy and end up turning them off when they see the real you (see what's in bold)

I know the pain you're going through. We want to be successful with women, we want to "be ourselves" whether it be nice guys, playful, jokesters, but we can't cause it turns women off. It really is tough to find a balance.

 

[Alex DeLarge]

Damn dude, I made a post about the same issue a while back and I feel like we have the same problem. I'm just naturally a joker in the pack, I can make anyone laugh really.. At the same time I am never serious and feel as though I might be too adventerous?

 

[st_99]

Thanks everyone for the input on this.

I feel a lot more positive about it now and I went into work yesterday deciding to be less of a clown. I cannot believe how immediate and dramatic the change was. Instead of neg hitting the girls and have them neg hit me back, I just asked them how they were, about their uni courses and alike. I ended up having some decent conversations. Likewise with my male work mates. While we did joke around a bit, it felt more mutual, rather than me trying to entertain them.

I felt more natural this way. I felt like I was getting back to the person I used to be before I started trying to be the alpha male, c+f and the rest of it.

I've always maintained that the best path for the DJ is to be natural, quietly confident and to avoid any kind of contrived behaviour and fakeness. And yet only now do I see what a performer I have become and how many of my conversations have been like stand up comedy acts and how difficult it must be for people to get to know me.

I could be wrong, but I feel like I've reached one of those momentous turning points that happen every so often in a DJ's development.

We sound a lot alike with the same struggles. I too love to joke around and act sillly. Yes, i do get laid and attract women but can't get that serious thing going on because I am too withdrawn with humor and non seriousness. Even with guy friends I have a hard time connecting with a normal tone, not making everything a joke.

I'll certainly keep this thread in mind.

 

[Jariel]

I'm really glad there are some of you who can relate to this thread and find it useful.

Since this issue was brought to my attention I've been remembering a lot of girls who dumped/rejected me for this reason, many of whom actually tried to tell me this...though I never realised it. I've been recalling the times I really clicked with a girl and it seems as though I was just being natural and sincere, often discussing topics such as the afterlife, legalising cannabis or nostalgia. And yet these same women backed off the more I fooled around, teased them and tried to be funny. In fact, one girl told me that my constant teasing (or neg hitting) had caused her perceive me like an older brother.

On a side note, my friend told me about a time he got a hot girl to his room. They got naked and were ready to have sex when he started doing some kind of comical stripper routine. She immediately got dressed and told him he had just killed the mood. He was gutted and never scored with her, but I've heard similar stories from other people, which goes to show that playing the fool is an instant attraction killer.

I realise I don't have to act like a jerk or get ultra serious and dark now. I don't even believe I need to cut humour out of my interractions with women. I just need to keep it in moderation and show more sincerity and depth of character.

Hopefully this thread will steer many of us in the right direction now. I look forward to hearing anyone's experiences. I have a date tomorrow, so I'll see how it goes.

 

[timmylivingalie]

Crap I thought being too serios turned chicks off?

 

[Atom Smasher]

Like everything in life, it's about finding balance. If you goof around too much, people lose respect for you because you become one-dimensional. If you're too serious, again you're one-dimensional. Balance is key.

 

[Jariel]

Like everything in life, it's about finding balance. If you goof around too much, people lose respect for you because you become one-dimensional. If you're too serious, again you're one-dimensional. Balance is key.

I totally agree mate. When getting this insight from my friend, my first instinct was to go to the opposite extreme and try to be moody and serious, but I realise that's not going to help my cause. Going to extremes is the curse of anyone learning seduction material and balance is essential in everything we learn here.

 

[Jariel]

A couple of things I got out of all of this insight is that I need to be more sincere and genuine.

If you go on any dating site or ask any woman what she wants in a man, the most common quality is "someone who is genuine" or "someone normal". They are so used to guys trying lines or routines, showing off, trying to be funny or clever, but not enough guys who are comfortable being natural.

In terms of sex, I suppose some of this performing behaviour can be overlooked, but when it comes to a relationship a woman is going to be weighing you up as a protector, a provider, someone she can turn to in times of need, someone she can live with, create a home with, even have children with at some point. A clown or a routine monkey, or someone generally immature or flippant, will appear to lack all of these qualities and will instantly be disqualified as relationship material.

 

[Matt Rogers]

This sounds plausible Jariel.

People judge personality by looks. It is the same way guys expect the girl with big boobs and nice curves to be a slut and get disappointed when she isn't.

But you shouldn't conform your personality to meet peoples' expectations.

Having said that ask yourself whether the funny, joker guy really is you, or just a persona you have learnt to adopt that makes you the social guy.

Try stuff like meditation it is a great way of really going deep and getting to know yourself.

Also be funny on your own terms. You are a great looking guy you don't need to make them laugh. In any case laughter makes people feel comfortable and have fun but also reduces sexual tension. Watch a few James Bond films and maybe try more of a smart witty dry humour which you bring out rarely. I think that works better with girls than making fun of everything and joking all the time. If you tell a lot of jokes even if it is a natural thing it can feel you are trying to impress people.

And the number 1 thing about being in your 30s is you are supposed to be a confident guy who has succeeded in life and has nothing to prove.

 

[Re-ac-tor]

I believe this all harkens back to the woman wanting to marry her father.

Haven't came across a girl's father being a total joker/knee-slapper in my trails..

 

[The_411]

The problem is Jariel's congruency and I think I have a similar issue. When you look dark and brooding yet act jovial lighthearted and cheery is creates non-congruency between the exterior and interior. The problem lies that we make first impressions so fast that when a woman expects you to be dark, brooding, bad boy and you're the jovial, comedian it throws her off she loses attraction becuase of the non-congruency.

Now comedy is still very important but based on your "look" sometiems you might need to realize that you need to tone down the comedy or dial it up.

 

[PokerStar]

the_411:

why do women drum up some fantasy profile of you because you dress and look a certain way? and when you dont meet their fantasy, they disqualify you?

ok sure its good to tone down the comedian act but they should also tone down these expectations of theirs.

 

[DanelMadr]

Jokes or tough act often mask our own fear. Fear of being recognized as scared, . catch22

Jariel is also complaining about lack of integrity - you talk differently to boss than you do to your colleagues. You put on jester hat when with friends.
You act serious with girl bc 007 never smiles. You are actor...different role for every set.

Because it is expected of you? No because you think it is expected and second you don't know thyself...so you borrow an act.

Be yourself

To know yourself you have to be very honest. It is harder than you think.

 

[DanelMadr]

A couple of things I got out of all of this insight is that I need to be more sincere and genuine.

If you go on any dating site or ask any woman what she wants in a man, the most common quality is "someone who is genuine" or "someone normal". They are so used to guys trying lines or routines, showing off, trying to be funny or clever, but not enough guys who are comfortable being natural.

In terms of sex, I suppose some of this performing behaviour can be overlooked, but when it comes to a relationship a woman is going to be weighing you up as a protector, a provider, someone she can turn to in times of need, someone she can live with, create a home with, even have children with at some point. A clown or a routine monkey, or someone generally immature or flippant, will appear to lack all of these qualities and will instantly be disqualified as relationship material.

I strongly believe that ****y & Funny and all this shiiit is just a "code" for 'lets faack. I wont be needy and won't call you six times tomorrow.' Walking dildo on sale.

 

[Jariel]

The problem is Jariel's congruency and I think I have a similar issue. When you look dark and brooding yet act jovial lighthearted and cheery is creates non-congruency between the exterior and interior. The problem lies that we make first impressions so fast that when a woman expects you to be dark, brooding, bad boy and you're the jovial, comedian it throws her off she loses attraction becuase of the non-congruency. .

I agree. I do have a dark and brooding side, and believe I naturally lean more towards that, but use the fooling around as a way of hiding it. I do have a dark and dry sense of humour which is a lot more congruent, but I worry that it might offend people who don't get it so I start acting cute or goofy.

The more I've been thinking about this the more I realise that I've just been trying too hard and making the classic textbook mistake of putting on a front to impress women.

 

[Jariel]

Jokes or tough act often mask our own fear. Fear of being recognized as scared, . catch22

Jariel is also complaining about lack of integrity - you talk differently to boss than you do to your colleagues. You put on jester hat when with friends.
You act serious with girl bc 007 never smiles. You are actor...different role for every set.

Because it is expected of you? No because you think it is expected and second you don't know thyself...so you borrow an act.

Be yourself

To know yourself you have to be very honest. It is harder than you think.

You're right here and I've come to the same conclusion. Fortunately I haven't lost sight of my natural personality and I know that ultimately I will feel more comfortable being that way, I just need to shake off this need to perform, make people laught and be the centre of attention.