I feel like crap - need some advice

[denizenkane]

Hey guys. This is my first post. I don't generally post on forums but I have lurked on SS for the past several years so I trust I can get some good advice here.

Just so you know I am 35. Divorced with 3 kids.

Last week my GF told me she needed undetermined amount of time away from me. I thought we were in the process of patching things up so my gaurd was completely down. I have been so screwed up for the past several days. For all I know its over. I have no clue. I have successfully resisted the urge to contact her. The ball is completely in her court and I understand and respect that. Doesn't change the fact that this is hell.

I know the best thing to do is treat this as if I'll never see her again. My problem is that for the past three years I have identified her as a part of me. Now I am left with this gaping hole that I need to fill.

Before you tell me to gftow, I am way to f*cked up by this to even consider entering the dating scene right now. I have come to the conclusion that I need to take this time to work on myself somehow. But I now realize that over the years I have unintentionally dropped many friends and hobbies because I was "in a relationship." Now I am left feeling rather boring and uninteresting. But I currently feel zapped -- like I have no passion for anything anymore. Which leaves me sitting around at my place with nothing to do but focus on my heart-break. This sucks.

What can I do to get out of this funk? What is the process for dealing with this? How long can this last? I want to better myself so that I can feel strong again. That way I can bring something better to the table if she comes back or for the next girl that I let into my life. But it seems that all my motivation is gone...

thanks

 

[5string]

When she "wants time away from me" it's over. You know it.

You also know that you need to fill that empty hole with other activities, ie work, sports and other things of interest to you. Start where you left off. Why not catch up with some old friends or even make the effort to develop new friendships. Take it from there. Above all, don't do the self pity thing and feel sorry for yourself. It's a new chapter in your life. Things will get better. Spend more time with your kids.

She may contact you again. Don't fall for it. Once a woman does this to you, it's done like dinner.

We know it hurts. Most of us have been in your shoes. And you know what? There is nothing wrong with taking a break from women for awhile. That will come in time.

Do the above now. Make the effort. The sooner you do, the sooner the gaping hole will be filled.

 

[romangod]

I have come to the conclusion that I need to take this time to work on myself somehow. But I now realize that over the years I have unintentionally dropped many friends and hobbies because I was "in a relationship." Now I am left feeling rather boring and uninteresting.

What can I do to get out of this funk? What is the process for dealing with this? How long can this last? I want to better myself so that I can feel strong again. That way I can bring something better to the table if she comes back or for the next girl that I let into my life. But it seems that all my motivation is gone...

thanks

Your conclusion is correct. Work on yourself and put it all in perspective.


It always amazes me when people drop their friends when they get in a relationship. I've seen it all too often. By neglecting them you've alienated the best support system for times like this. Women come and go but true friends are there through thick and thin. I'd suggest getting reacquainted with those friends you've neglected.


Getting out of this funk will take time and patience. Your ego suffered a massive trauma and is rebelling against your true self. Hit the gym, listen to some music and read a few books. It's time to focus on you and put Humpty Dumpty back together again. Strengthen your spirit and let your ego take a break. It's tired.


She probably won't come back. Accept it. Even if she does, things will never be the same. If your motivation in life is just to keep a girl, then I would suggest you haven't given life much thought. Good luck.


Cheers!

 

[Fuglydude]

Dude that's a shiity situation to be in. I can't speak from personal experience, but I can imagine that it must SUCK. Anyways, I think you're on the right track in terms of how you're taking it. 5string and romangod gave you some good points, and I'm basically gonna echo what he said.

If she wants you back (which she will once she finds out how much of a better man you've become), just use her for sex and nothing else. PLEASE don't get emotionally attached to this chic again. She doesn't deserve you... unless she's willing to share. Your path to self improvement will last the rest of your life and it'll be hard. You'll have expend untold amounts of blood, sweat and tears. However, in the end you'll be a better man for it.

We only exist for x amount of time in this world... there really isn't a point to exist if you're not happy. I firmly believe that improving yourself in the core tenets of your life will lead to happiness. If you're happy with who you are as a person and are a high value male, attracting women is a cake walk. The core tenets that I'm referring to are namely physical, career/business, intellectual and social/psychological. You may have to spend some introspective time figuring out makes you happy, but I firmly believe that you'll be happy if you're in elite shape w/ a fulfilling, rewarding career/business focus, and have many good friends/strong social network. Take time to learn about stuff that you find interesting as well. Our brains are designed for life long learning, and its important to use this property to not only increase our personal knowledge, but also to have a better overall quality of life.

You have way more freedom when you're single. Join a gym, eat right and get into elite shape. The Health and Fitness forum has some great information to get you started. Its very tough to get into elite shape. Everyone would be jacked up if it was easy. Most things that are really worthwhile are gonna be tough. I think getting into elite shape is probably the easiest way to dramatically improve self esteem/happiness while simultaneously attracting hot women. This forum is outstanding at overcomplicating things.

In my experience you don't need a lot other than a jacked up build and some semblance of a personality to attract women like flies to dog shiite. If you go beyond that and also have a great career/business focus and have game, then you're totally set.

This site (especially the regular DJ forum) talks way too much about "game" and not nearly enough about self improvement. I liken it to developing a good advertising campaign for a half ass product. If you have a great product you won't need to advertise nearly as much. Do you see Rolls-Royce or Bentley have ads on TV? I'm gonna urge you to focus on yourself. Its not a bad idea to learn game, etc, but don't get consumed by all the techniques, etc.

Unless your ex is a smoking hot HB10 playboy plate who takes it up the a$$ at your every calling, I'm willing to bet that you'll be able to get way more attractive women than her once you're recreated yourself.

Your new life begins now man... Life is amazing... Go out and use it and be the best man that you can be.

 

[denizenkane]

Thanks for the advice guys. I definitely agree. I reactivated my facebook page and have set plans for the weekend. As far as staying in shape, I work out all the time. When it comes to game I'm ok too. Before I decided to be with this girl I had a few plates in the air. So I think I'll be ok when I'm ready to get back out there. Just not yet.

I didn't really touch on how to handle her in my OP. But here goes.

This whole thing is so confusing. She did send me an email a few days ago. She told me that she has "been able to use this time to focus on some of the good things about us. But I can't make any promises and still needs this silence to work through my own issues with us." She also told me that she doesn't expect me to stay committed to her though out this process.

Why did she tell me that? She came to ME with that. Even though it fans the dying embers of hope, its still kind of cruel.

What romangod said about the relationship never being the same struck a chord. If she does come back, the longer she waits, the bigger the dogpile of resentment we'll have to sift through.

Still guys, it was three years of my life. She was my best friend. I feel that the possibilty of happiness with her is still there. I just don't know...

 

[5string]

Newsflash.....if she did it once, most likely she'll do it again.

I'd rethink the possibility of taking her back. Seriously.

And she says she does not expect you to stay committed to her during her "sabatical"? What does that tell you? What she is really saying is that she's going to be seeing other guys. She's therefore giving herself permission to do so, by giving it to you. That's what I think.

 

[DJ_Traveler]

To denizenkane,

Do the following immediately:

1. Create a support group from your friends, family, and make new friends.

2. Be physically active, go walk, run, rock climbing, lift weight...

3. Make a long list of all things you always wanted to do in your life. Do as many of the items on your list as you can.

4. Read books that are uplifting.

5. Play a lot with your kids.

6. Watch some comedies or even better go to a comedy club where you may make some cool friends.

Good luck!

 

[Scaramouche]

Dear Kane,
Spin plates,take up Dancing lessons......What your situation illustrates is the futility of going back.....have you asked her the basis of her discontent?

 

[denizenkane]

have you asked her the basis of her discontent?

Yes. Might as well deconstruct it now. Honestly I think its a security issue. With possibly some jealousy mixed in.

Its my ex-wife. I have regular contact with her. Thats a given, we share children. I have completely forgiven my ex-wife, she's forgiven me. We figured out how to co-exist to maintain the whole parenting thing. I am good friends with her now. I actually see her as more of a sister. Also my ex-wife is pretty attractive... BUT SHE'S BAT_SH!T CRAZY fellas. She hasn't had a job in ten years.

I think the girl I am with/not with is threatened by this. She knows that the crazy, broke, jobless, attractive, ex-wife will always be part of my life in some way and it scares her.

 

[Nkognito]

She also told me that she doesn't expect me to stay committed to her though out this process.

Welcome to manipulation 101. While she might not be consciously acknowledging she is doing it but she is in fact planting a seed in your head. Suggesting that you will have blatant disregard for her feelings and go out with other people is a reversal in psychology and a utter guilt trip. She is keeping you on the whim with this.

I might be looking too far into it but honestly she is acting off emotion like most girls do. I would cut off contact, let her figure out what ever is bothering her. But the fact that you're here with us proves you have some self discovering to do.

 

[jophil28]

... She did send me an email a few days ago. She told me that she has "been able to use this time to focus on some of the good things about us. But I can't make any promises and still needs this silence to work through my own issues with us." She also told me that she doesn't expect me to stay committed to her though out this process.
..

Denizenkane, you have been given some golden advice from the other guys, and for free too !
I have not much to add except to offer you one of my award winning "womanspeek' translations of her email above....

Decoded, it goes something like this," I am using this time apart to justify my breaking with you. This time is MY way of making ME feel better .I am going to tell you that I am thinking about all the good things about "us" but I am lying . If I really thought it was so good, I wouldn't be walking away. However, I still want you circulating in a close orbit just in case I change my mind , so I am going to hint at a chance of reconciliation to keep you on the bench... BUT no promises, OK - I just want to set up that option for my own convenience.
I also have a strong desire to date other men, so in order NOT to feel like a branchswinging slvt, I am going to suggest that you should also date other women - just don't get involved with one. "

The really bad news is that should she bang on your door in a flood of tears of regret , it is because her 'plan'( whatever it is) did not eventuate and you are then demoted to be her fallback guy.

All in all this is a tough break buddy but stay plugged in here and live this out one day at a time.
OH, and do NOT call her !!!!

 

[denizenkane]

Suggesting that you will have blatant disregard for her feelings and go out with other people is a reversal in psychology and a utter guilt trip. She is keeping you on the whim with this.

Wow. Mind=Blown. That is so true. When she wrote that to me my first reaction was to prove that I am strong enough to weather this process without cheating on her. So instead of seeing at as permission I saw it as a challenge. Its like the desire to ever cheat on her was instead reduced by that statement.

I might be looking too far into it but honestly she is acting off emotion like most girls do. I would cut off contact, let her figure out what ever is bothering her. But the fact that you're here with us proves you have some self discovering to do.

I've looked at it that far end then some and I think you are right. Either way I need time. Not for her but for me.

 

[denizenkane]

The really bad news is that should she bang on your door in a flood of tears of regret , it is because her 'plan'( whatever it is) did not eventuate and you are then demoted to be her fallback guy.

Out of all the the advice given yours is definitely the hardest pill to swallow so far. I know you're probably right but everything is so fresh that it feels wrong. I'm a freakin mess. I want to have more faith in her. I don't think she'd ever cheat on me. But am willing to accept that I am deluding myself.

Its 4am here. I can't sleep. I am supposed to close on my first house tomorrow. She was supposed to help decorate it with me. This should be the happiest time of my life...

I thank you all for your advice. It really helps.

 

[hithard]

You want to know your real problem right now

But I now realize that over the years I have unintentionally dropped many friends and hobbies because I was "in a relationship." Now I am left feeling rather boring and uninteresting. But I currently feel zapped -- like I have no passion for anything anymore. Which leaves me sitting around at my place with nothing to do but focus on my heart-break. This sucks.

You are more or less like 90% of the unwashed masses of afcs out there. You are boring and uninteresting because you put all your eggs in the relationship basket. And now that you have the perfect opportunity to get reacquainted with yourself, you instead wait around for her to make a decision. And if you are not careful, you will keep revisiting this same scenario.

You know the right way and the wrong way of doing things all ready if you have been lurking. There is no point just knowing what you should be doing you actually have to put it into practice.

This is a men’s forum. Go get your balls back before you carry on with this type of $hit again. You should know better then to let your life slide into that much comfort.

 

[denizenkane]

You want to know your real problem right now


You are more or less like 90% of the unwashed masses of afcs out there. You are boring and uninteresting because you put all your eggs in the relationship basket. And now that you have the perfect opportunity to get reacquainted with yourself, you instead wait around for her to make a decision. And if you are not careful, you will keep revisiting this same scenario.

You know the right way and the wrong way of doing things all ready if you have been lurking. There is no point just knowing what you should be doing you actually have to put it into practice.

This is a men’s forum. Go get your balls back before you carry on with this type of $hit again. You should know better then to let your life slide into that much comfort.

Dude. Chill. I know. Thats what I'm trying to do. Jeez. From now on I'm reading all your posts in Gunny's voice. :trouble:

Seriously, I know your intentions and you're right. Thanks

 

[hithard]

Dude. Chill. I know. Thats what I'm trying to do. Jeez. From now on I'm reading all your posts in Gunny's voice. :trouble:

Seriously, I know your intentions and you're right. Thanks

Lol, sorry it just pisses me off to constantly see guys in such a preventable position.

 

[romangod]

Out of all the the advice given yours is definitely the hardest pill to swallow so far. I know you're probably right but everything is so fresh that it feels wrong. I'm a freakin mess. I want to have more faith in her. I don't think she'd ever cheat on me. But am willing to accept that I am deluding myself.

Its 4am here. I can't sleep. I am supposed to close on my first house tomorrow. She was supposed to help decorate it with me. This should be the happiest time of my life...

I thank you all for your advice. It really helps.

JoPhil is usually right on the money with his translations of "womanspeak". :yes:

Don't put your "faith" in her at the moment. Put faith in yourself knowing that you'll sort everything out and that you have the strength to move on. Most men here have been through something similar to your situation. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

I'm of the belief that women are our catalyst for personal growth. That's been my experience. We get comfortable and complacent in an LTR and stunt our growth. When it ends, we're at a loss. We seek a savior and a lot of times we misguidedly think it's her.

It's not her. Your savior is looking back at you from the mirror. Good luck.


Cheers!

 

[countermart]

Mate,

I’ve just been in a similar relationship for a year that ended, have kids, and the good looking crazy ex-wife (don’t we all, that’s why they are the ex-wife lol).

It’s a lot for a girl to put up with the ex, the kids, and she put three years of her life into the situation as well. It’s going to be hard on both of you.

But in the end you are the man and as the other guys said you need to face things like a man and get back to developing other things in your life. Fill your life with things to do to make you a better person, set goals, and start with being the best father you can be to your children.

You will find that being in love is a kind of madness, and that once you get away from the situation and fill your life with other things you will begin to see more clearly. Just accept that things are not very clear for you at the moment.

In time sit down with the girl and talk to her about the situation, not to get back together but just to end it on good terms. However, don’t play back up, reserve for any girl. One day she may see her decision as the worst one she ever made, but that is her problem.

It takes time. It’s taken me months to get over her (SS helped me do it) and only recently do I feel that I do not want her back, and wouldn’t you know it, back she comes on the stage right on time. But I’m over her. I can see clearly. And what I can see clearly and you will in time, is that there are some darn other attractive, fun, fish in the sea.

Hang in there. Take a day at a time. It gets better. Go forward, not back.

Countermart.

 

[Rollo Tomassi]

I need more info.

How long were you married, and how long did you date the crazy ex-wife before marriage?

How old is the now ex girlfriend?

Are / were you living together?

How long was it between your divorce and you becoming committed to this GF?

What was it exactly that you were "patching up" before she "needed time away from you"?


I can't be entirely accurate with any advice until I know your circumstance, but I'll venture a guess that you are a serial monogamist with a very, overly feminine approach to your personal life. I can tell by the flowery, hallmark card terms you use in your posts. You feel like the only viable, acceptable way of intimacy is to be in an LTR. That's why getting back into dating again is so terrifying for you; it implies risking real rejection.

If I don't miss my guess, it's this same feminine quality that's made your GF second guess her decision to stay with you in the long term. You're just about to close on a new home, you have 3 children, my guess is she saw the next step as a her becoming step-mom or at least a long term prospect. Situations like this will force a woman's hand to sh!t or get off the pot. She's gotten off the pot.

Again, this is just my own speculation, but when a woman is forced to consider a more permanent monogamy with a man who's demeanor is overly feminine and accommodating to the point of neglecting his own identity, interests, friends and hobbies in favor of "having a relationship", she's going to seek out an alternative Man who's firmly committed to his own masculine identity.

When this occurs they'll often use excuses like "it's me, not you" or "things are moving too fast", or "I need time away from you to figure all this out", all of which are true, but not for the stated intent. Oh, she 'needs time'; time to seek out a new alternative and compare the new excitement he brings to the syrupy comfortable appeasement you offer her. If she's between 30 and 40 y.o. she knows her days are numbered (if not over) before she hits the wall. Her sexual value is declining daily, and she's spent the last 3 years with a guy who's pedestalized her for the sake of a relationship. If she's going to cash out in the long term, it's not going to be with a guy who's essentially playing the role of a single mom.

Again, I could be wrong, but this is the vibe I get from your posts. I'm not trying to break you down any more than you already are, but it's very important to see your own patterns in your personal decisions at times like this. The first impulse most guys have is "ƒuck that duplicitous b!tch", and that may very well be the case, but if you don't consider your own role in her exiting your life you wont learn a thing.

 

[Kailex]

Wow. Mind=Blown. That is so true. When she wrote that to me my first reaction was to prove that I am strong enough to weather this process without cheating on her. So instead of seeing at as permission I saw it as a challenge. Its like the desire to ever cheat on her was instead reduced by that statement.

Um, what?
You DO know that in order to cheat on someone, you have to be in a relationship with someone, right?

I don't know if you've noticed, but you're NOT in a relationship. Just because she told you she needs time, it doesn't mean you two are together. Trust me, in her mind, you two aren't... and she's probably told all of her friends that you two are taking a break to which they all nod (because they know what it means) and any future suitors will heard the words "Oh I am single".

It's not cheating if you aren't together. Please, disregard your "honorable" standards and begin to swallow the cold, hard pill of "It's over" because it is.

But rejoice, because now you are seeing the former pedestalized for her more human self. She's no different than any other woman. She wants to survey the area and see if there are better prospects before she tries to come back to you. And yes, she totally expects you to not try anything with anyone but she has free reign to do as she pleases.