I feel like crap - need some advice

[Nkognito]

When this occurs they'll often use excuses like "it's me, not you" or "things are moving too fast", or "I need time away from you to figure all this out", all of which are true, but not for the stated intent. Oh, she 'needs time'; time to seek out a new alternative and compare the new excitement he brings to the syrupy comfortable appeasement you offer her. If she's between 30 and 40 y.o. she knows her days are numbered (if not over) before she hits the wall. Her sexual value is declining daily, and she's spent the last 3 years with a guy who's pedestalized her for the sake of a relationship. If she's going to cash out in the long term, it's not going to be with a guy who's essentially playing the role of a single mom.

The post above is EXACTLY SPOT ON with my previous ex girlfriend.

See: http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?t=179106

She used the typical "it's me not you" and often referred to me needing "deserving someone better". But your post pretty much broke my situation down and this seems to be a telegraphed punch from all women who retreat in this manner.

My solution, I went no contact for 3 weeks, messed up one night with a phone call and then text an apology the next day but I have not contacted her since. I was a good guy, probably typical AFC but I did my own thing when I wanted to. Right now I need to work on myself. I am an IT tech and I am thinking about a career change into the police department as an officer and all of this was because of the ending of my relationship. It helped me discover that I need more foundation for myself first and not assume the person I am with is part of that foundation. In other words, if I cant support myself alone, I will not be able to support anyone in my life.

 

[denizenkane]

I need more info.

How long were you married, and how long did you date the crazy ex-wife before marriage?

How old is the now ex girlfriend?

Are / were you living together?

How long was it between your divorce and you becoming committed to this GF?

What was it exactly that you were "patching up" before she "needed time away from you"?


Again, I could be wrong, but this is the vibe I get from your posts. I'm not trying to break you down any more than you already are, but it's very important to see your own patterns in your personal decisions at times like this. The first impulse most guys have is "ƒuck that duplicitous b!tch", and that may very well be the case, but if you don't consider your own role in her exiting your life you wont learn a thing.

Ok. She is 37. She has her own house. Her own career. She has her own kid. I had been divorced over 5 years when we met. She was one of the several girls I was dating when I decided to be exclusive with her.

I dated my ex-wife for about two years on and off. And then she got pregnant. I was 22 yo and I freaked out and married her so that i could be a father to my kid. Dumb, I know but I was freaking 22.

The GF arguements were mostly about how she doesn't feel secure with me because I had not committed enough to her in her eyes. She wanted to build a future. It wasn't me forcing her into something. I think she might have been hurt by the fact that I bought a house for myself instead of us joining our funds to buy a house for the two of us.

She had no problems watching my children. Although she admitted that it was sometimes a lot to handle. She abhorred my ex-wife. The GF would get irrate when I defended my ex. She was scared that my ex-wife would interfere too much in our lives and she had real problems dealing with that.

I don't even know how to respond to the 'femine qualities' remarks. I can tell you that I was the decision maker most of the time. I would usually be the one to leave when she became overly irrational. She would usually call in the next 10 minutes. Should I actually brag about how many women I have slept with?

Regarding my behavior with her: I guess a decent example would be how she used to get so pissed when we would go out and run into girls I know. Especially when I was flirty with them. I usually laugh at her when she got mad and then have the best sex ever.

But to be fair, yes it does trouble me a little to think about dating again. I'll admit it. Rejection sucks and I will have to relearn how to deal with it. But I've done it before.

 

[denizenkane]

double post

 

[denizenkane]

Um, what?
You DO know that in order to cheat on someone, you have to be in a relationship with someone, right?

I don't know if you've noticed, but you're NOT in a relationship. Just because she told you she needs time, it doesn't mean you two are together. Trust me, in her mind, you two aren't... and she's probably told all of her friends that you two are taking a break to which they all nod (because they know what it means) and any future suitors will heard the words "Oh I am single".

It's not cheating if you aren't together. Please, disregard your "honorable" standards and begin to swallow the cold, hard pill of "It's over" because it is.

But rejoice, because now you are seeing the former pedestalized for her more human self. She's no different than any other woman. She wants to survey the area and see if there are better prospects before she tries to come back to you. And yes, she totally expects you to not try anything with anyone but she has free reign to do as she pleases.

Yes. All that you said has already run through my mind as well. As you know its difficult to come to grips with the reality of it. I started this post off with how to deal with my own self and that is what I am going to do.

In somewhat brighter news I was invited out to by a girl I know to see her sing tonight at a bar downtown. It'll be good to actually get out into public for a bit. Even though I haven't even slept a wink...

 

[countermart]

Ok here’s the drill...you are not acting like you are committed to her and so she does not feel secure in the relationship. You bought a separate house, support your ex-wife, flirt with other girls in front of her and laugh at her. How do you think she feels?

You are subconsciously not committed to her because one, your crazy ex-wife has made you understand how damaging women can be, and two because you have a subconscious desire to protect yourself and probably your children from the situation going wrong. So you are not committed, she is right.

She is probably leaving to see if you will come after her and cement your commitment towards her. As strange as it seems, and it is often missed on SS, women will often leave to try and move the relationship forward, to see if you will come after them. It is their kind of last ditch effort. Women need security, or at least a little more security than you are giving her.

If you want to see where the problem is look at yourself, on some level you are protecting yourself and on that level you always want to keep something in reserve and not risk what you see is everything. But that is not what she wants, she wants everything.

The decision is actually yours, and the cause of her leaving is also you, so deal with it either way. It’s not that you are AFC, it’s that you are not committed. You are running a LTR, almost like a FB situation.

Countermart

 

[jophil28]

As strange as it seems, and it is often missed on SS, women will often leave to try and move the relationship forward, to see if you will come after them. It is their kind of last ditch effort. Women need security, or at least a little more security than you are giving her.

CM makes a good point and I have been caught up in that kind of manipulation in the past.

However we do not know that this is the case here. Even if she is pulling away to 'force' him to chase her, the question then is whether he should play into that stunt. By going after her he is teaching her exactly how to manipulate him in the future whenever she wants a concession .. I am a firm beliver in doing NOTHING when women pull these tactics.
Doing 'nothing' is counterintuitive and it feels extremely uncomfortable, BUT a silent withdrawal has maximum potential to dismantle her tactics because silence does not reward them .
Whatever her intentions, the OP should not and cannot react to them.

 

[SoldMySoul]

CM makes a good point and I have been caught up in that kind of manipulation in the past.

However we do not know that this is the case here. Even if she is pulling away to 'force' him to chase her, the question then is whether he should play into that stunt. By going after her he is teaching her exactly how to manipulate him in the future whenever she wants a concession .. I am a firm beliver in doing NOTHING when women pull these tactics.
Doing 'nothing' is counterintuitive and it feels extremely uncomfortable, BUT a silent withdrawal has maximum potential to dismantle her tactics because silence does not reward them .
Whatever her intentions, the OP should not and cannot react to them.

The old saying of the first one speaks, loses.....

 

[jophil28]

The old saying of the first one speaks, loses.....

Yes indeed, IF a woman 'pulls away' in an attempt to make the guy chase her, she has just pulled a power move. The power balance at that point is generally tipped in her favor (or so she believes) . IF he reacts to that new distance between them by pursuing her, the power balance is even further tilted towards her because his pursuit indicates his 'need' for resolution and reconciliation. And the one who 'needs' most has the least power.

I made a mistake once of going after a new girlfriend who sulked and stormed out of a club because I chatted to another women for 5 minutes. I should have just left her to stew in the carpark, but I tried to talk to her and "make things right" between us by explaining that the other women was an old acquaintenance....blah blah...She graciously "decided" to "forgive" me.
OF course, after that, she made a habit of storming off whenever she wanted me to cave in.

 

[Nkognito]

The girl I was seeing did the same thing and she introduced me to mom and the first few months we seen each other treated me like it was the long haul. She did the same and now I am confused that she split after spending so much time with her. I am not talking about a date everty other weekend, I am talking about a entire weekend and some weeknights at hers or my place.

The thing is, if you run to her she has control and will lose interest. If you draw a sand in the line and walk away you appear stronger for looking out for you and your kid. Girls don't want control like that because again this is not logic but emotion.

If me and a chick were playing tennis and I hit the ball softer to her so its easier for her to hit it back she would then eventaully lost interest. This is why ex's come back because its better to want than to have and this is a constant for a relationship. If you take the competition out of it then why play the sport?

Countermart made a logical post but my girl knew how I felt about her so there was no game needed for me to know where I stood. The fact is she has been pondering it for some time so let her go, let her figure out which thumb she needs to remove from her ass because she will be back.

Here go read this, it is a pretty good perspective on women and men mentalities.

http://beyondjane.com/relationships/why-do-women-stay-or-come-back-for-more/

 

[TheAsianLoverReturns]

This is what happens when you put all of your hopes and dreams in one woman.

No, I'm not being a d*ck, that's just the way I talk. I know how you feel, the sleepless nights, the hairs turning gray, the intense cravings.

Hard running will do wonders. Even better, join a boxing or mma gym.

After you go through a couple months of hell...

Put all of your hopes and dreams in yourself. YOU.

 

[denizenkane]

she is right.

Ok Countermart. I think you are right on the money here. Its almost parroting conversations that I have had with her.

To be honest, I never really "laughed" at her. That was me exaggerating because I felt a little insulted by Rollo's response. I was never mean. I pride myself on not being a complete a$$hole. I truly care about this girl.

I just got back from a night out. I'm still a little drunk in fact. It was fun. An AFC's complete wet dream. I met a lot of people. Girls were coming up to me and touching my tattoos. They made a point of introducing themselves to me. I just winged them off onto a buddy of mine. It gave me confidence for sure. I hadn't sarged for three years. It was f*cking cake and I wasn't even trying. Its great to know that I can get women if I want them.

I no longer feel depressed. I feel like a man again. Who knew a simple night out could turn this all around?

I don't have the issues I had when I first started this post. Its something deeper now. Because when the dust settled from tonight intense thoughts of my GF still popped into my head. I still missed her very badly.

It makes no sense. Sitting here still drunk I realize that don't really want all of that sarging stuff right now. I have kids for Christ's sake. At this point in my life I'd rather come home to a woman that I have chosen and cultivated to love me.

Yes, as counterpart speculated, my divorce was bad. I sufferred a horrible betrayal by someone who had my complete trust. Then a few years later I discovered this whole 'game' mentality. I devoured Deangelo, Mystery, Style etc... It made me the man I am today. I don't consider myself a "natural" but I no longer have to run any canned routines. Its just a part of my personality now.

Could it be possible that all this 'game' stuff drove her away??? I wouldn't have gotten her in the first place without it.

Now I'm thinking I should I just let her go. You guy's recent posts have shown me that it was possibly me that was the problem in the first place.

 

[Annapolis Sailor]

She did send me an email a few days ago. She told me that she has "been able to use this time to focus on some of the good things about us. But I can't make any promises and still needs this silence to work through my own issues with us." She also told me that she doesn't expect me to stay committed to her though out this process.

Why did she tell me that? She came to ME with that. Even though it fans the dying embers of hope, its still kind of cruel.

IT IS OVER! The reason she sent you that email is she is trying to start a new relationship with another guy. It is too early for her to see if it is going to lead somewhere. But, she really likes this new guy. Really likes him. You are Mr. 2nd and a safety net if it does not go through. If you do not believe me, send her a bouquet of flowers without any card attached - completely anonymous. See if she ever brings it up to you. She wont. And that is your answer.

 

[romanticman]

Denizeenkane I recently went through something like this too. The problem is that we make them the focus of our lives and when they play games like this they like to know we can be tagged along as second best. You sound like an intelligent guy and I know she is fresh in your mind but what happened to me is I discovered she had me on hold while she was sleeping with other guys. I kept my word to be strung out to discover a string of guys shed been sleeping with. If they walk...let them. We deserve better man.

 

[squirrels]

This whole thing is so confusing. She did send me an email a few days ago. She told me that she has "been able to use this time to focus on some of the good things about us. But I can't make any promises and still needs this silence to work through my own issues with us." She also told me that she doesn't expect me to stay committed to her though out this process.

Why did she tell me that?

Because she's a woman.

Women HATE the idea that there could possibly be people out there who don't like them. They will kick you to the curb while hollering "no hard feelings" the whole way there. This is all chick-speak, her trying to rationalize her emotional decision. It doesn't matter what she said...it may as well be, "BLAH BLAH BLAH". What matters is what she did, which was indicate that she doesn't want you in her life any more.

As soon as she said she needed "indefinite time alone", it was over. In fact, it was over when you started having to "patch things up". Relationship triage doesn't work...she either wants to be with you or she doesn't. I don't know what you were busy "patching up", but the very fact that you used that expression says it all.

Nonetheless, now you're left dealing with the absence of a person who apparently had become too big a part of your life.

Some people will tell you that as soon as you start seeing other women, it'll make it all better, or as soon as you get back in the gym or do this or do that...

F*** all that noise...it's gonna hurt now. It sucks. The only thing you can do is suck it up and deal with it.

With 3 kids, you have PLENTY of things to focus your attention on already. They can't go find another father...be there for them.

You said you're already working out.

As for the rest...what kinds of things have you wanted to do for a while that you found your "relationship" kind of getting in the way of?

What stimulates you?

Go do it. Yeah, you're in emotional pain...but as you start to take action, you'll find that THAT kind of pain really DOESN'T prevent you from doing those things you want to do the way PHYSICAL pain would.

The WORST thing you can do right now is sit there and think about "what went wrong" or "how bad it feels"...the more you focus on it, even in a vain attempt to "fix it", the stronger the pain becomes.

Time to be a man and suffer. You'll feel better once you let yourself feel it and get it out of the way.

 

[countermart]

Denizenkane......

“Could it be possible that all this 'game' stuff drove her away??? I wouldn't have gotten her in the first place without it.”

Yes, the game stuff is great for getting them but not all that good for keeping them. I believe:

1. There is a tendency to show little commitment and that means for her little security.
2. Because you know you could get another girl there is little incentive to settle, again this means little security for her.

Basically, even though I think you think you love this girl part of you will not settle or commit to her. You have seen it all before and know the risks.

“Now I'm thinking I should I just let her go. You guy's recent posts have shown me that it was possibly me that was the problem in the first place.”

You are the cause of her leaving but you are not the problem. You are acting on what your beliefs are on a subconscious level. Remember you have been down this road before. Something deep down worries you about this girl.

You will find one day that you will wake up and no longer miss her, then you will be happy again.

Yes you can get her back, but deep, deep down you don’t want her back I suspect.

Ruthless life. Ruthless love.

Countermart