I could use some advise on female "friend"

[STR8UP]

Trust me, those same girls DON'T give a crap if you're feeling down or you're lonely.

I agree with this, HOWEVER, I would also claim that it's not just women, it's people in general. Nobody wants to hear your problems, but everyone wants to tell you theirs.

The thing for me is that I have had to appreciate my friends that have not screwed me over. Now i try to help out whenever i can just because I know that I can't afford to take them for granted. And that means understanding that it's better to give than to receive. If I get something from it later on, great. If not, oh well.

 

[STR8UP]

But Rollo, you can't just cast someone out like that. That's life, sometimes we have to make sacrafices and risk our own happiness to help those in need.

48 Laws is an awesome book, but you can't take it verbatim. Although the basic premise of this law is sound, it doesn't take other factors into consideration.

 

[edger]

48 Laws is an awesome book, but you can't take it verbatim. Although the basic premise of this law is sound, it doesn't take other factors into consideration.

I see what you're saying about it not taking other factors into consideration, but if I have to make a sacrifice to help someone, I will. If we don't make sacrifices for those who are down, then who will? So your solution is to let these people wallow and die in sorrow?

And I wasn't quoting my stance from '48 Laws'. I never even heard of the book.

 

[STR8UP]

I see what you're saying about it not taking other factors into consideration, but if I have to make a sacrifice to help someone, I will. If we don't make sacrifices for those who are down, then who will? So your solution is to let these people wallow and die in sorrow?

And I wasn't quoting my stance from '48 Laws'. I never even heard of the book.

Rollo's quote was from the book. Awesome book, BTW. You just can't take it and apply it word for word cause there are other factors (and other laws in the book) that apply as well.

 

[STR8UP]

Really? I though "multiples" were pretty much a "given" if one does halfway decent work. There must be a lot of lousy lovers out there. Hmmm....

Usually , but women are FLAKEY, so not all always.

 

[Rollo Tomassi]

I absolutely will quote that, and I do quite often. I even advised this before I'd read 48 Laws only in a different iteration. The people we associate with have a profound effect on our lives and our self-image. I've personally counselled exactly this - surround yourself with positive people - and it's changed their lives for the better. I understand anad encourage a healthy empathy for people, but it's a fine line between this and getting trapped in the role of savior.

 

[BlackWidow]

But Rollo, you can't just cast someone out like that. That's life, sometimes we have to make sacrafices and risk our own happiness to help those in need. Where's your level of compassion? I'm surprised these words are even coming from a supposed counselor.

In these types of situations it has nothing to do with lack of compassion at this point if one were to just walk away from a negative atmosphere. It's about looking out for #1, first and foremost. If you do cave and cater to these poor saps who are crying on your shoulder, what does that make you? Cap'n Save-a-ho at best. If you're interested in more than a friend, why entertain her drama? She's not gonna stick around for long with Mr. Sensitive. She's wants Mr. Badass.

I'm all for helping people: aiding homeless, can food drives, what have you...but lending a shoulder to cry on for a poor, helpless, busty blonde isn't really saving the fvckin' world is it?

Negative energy multiplies. I can vouch for that. I dated a depressed person for way too long, and after awhile, I too was negative and depressed. But of course, I felt like he needed me, he needed my positive energy to come out of his negative world. But no dice, he was just sucking me bone dry. Fvck Drama. There are people out there who are happy and entertained in their lives without creating it...find them. I'm a totally different person now that I dumped the dead weight and found more positive people, and I can tell you I've never felt better in my life. And you know what? He's still the same, no better, no worse. Just negative. Boo.

 

[STR8UP]

I'm all for helping people: aiding homeless, can food drives, what have you...but lending a shoulder to cry on for a poor, helpless, busty blonde isn't really saving the fvckin' world is it?

Sorry, but feeding the homeless isn't saving the world either.

I would argue that lending a shoulder for anyone to cry on is MORE productive than giving a handout. It all plays a role in your socialization with other people, some of whom have the ability to reciprocate, unlike feeding a "helpless" homeless guy on the street.

It all comes down to taking care of those who have proven themselves to you or who you see a good upside potential of helping you in the future.

 

[BlackWidow]

I could've inserted ANY particular social aid into my response. I hear you loud and clear. Being a listener is a great reward in helping people get through tough times, but when all you're listening to is some whiner complain about why her bf sucks, then how is that NOT wasting your time and energy?

I could understand if her dad just died or something to that effect. But give me a break....stop making excuses for chump behaviors. The only reason any guy would listen to an attractive woman complain about trivial drama is to get in her panties.

 

[Latinoman]

Yeah, knowing what's really going on is the hard part though. You think you are being a friend sometimes, but if there's any sort of attraction, and vulnerablity, on either side, it begs the question of how conditional true friendship really is.

Str8up, we can handle having attractive female friends, however, can our female friends handle it?

Can women handle being "attracted" to their male friends, or at the first sign of weakness they let their true intentions show?

NEITHER one of you two can handle it. You two create more threads about the drama than ANY woman in ANY female message board.

Women can handle friendship with males. Males...on the other hand CANNOT as it is NOT a natural thing. In fact...it is kind of AFC to have too many women friends around (I have my share too) as it forces you to deal with their drama.

 

[Bonhomme]

I was referring to multiple orgasms, STR8UP.

You're bloody well right that nothing guarantees multiple appearances.

 

[STR8UP]

NEITHER one of you two can handle it. You two create more threads about the drama than ANY woman in ANY female message board.

Maybe I'm not that bright, but I honestly don't get it.

I think this is probably the fifth time I have asked you to define what "drama" is, but I have yet to receive a response. You keep repeating yourself....but I don't understand what the hell you are talking about because I don't see the same thing you are seeing.

Seriously....drama is NOT listening to someones problems on occasion. Getting into a fight with a chick's boyfriend cause he doesn't want her hanging out with you...THAT'S drama.

If I posted a thread about one of my guy friends getting distraught over his girlfriend leaving him, you would say, "Poor guy! Take him out for a beer. And while you're at it pick up some chicks. He needs to be spinning plates!" But since it's about a woman, it's "drama".

Did I miss something?

To be honest with you, I respect your thoughts and ideas, but the tone of your posts suggest that you don't have any sort of tolerance whatsoever. That's fine, whatever works for you....but at least give an accurate assessment (or at least explain how you reach your conclusions) of someone else if you are going to make statements like you do.

Women can handle friendship with males. Males...on the other hand CANNOT as it is NOT a natural thing.

I absolutely do not agree with this statement.

If you said that most men can't handle it....I would agree with you wholeheartedly.

You only make this kind of statement because the vast majority of the time when a man spends time with a woman he does so with the pretense of fukking her at some point in time, and that is his primary (or even worse his ONLY) objective. That is UNHEALTHY.

But the fact is, a few men have become self aware enough to be able to recognize and differentiate between a healthy male/female relationship and an unhealthy one. Once you are able to be honest with yourself you can have have a platonic (which in it's pure sense is very rare) semi platonic (of which I have many) or a romantic/sexual relationship with a woman without sacrificing your manhood or your sanity in the process.

When I meet a chick I size her up as either relationship material or NOT. Most of course, fall into the latter category. Once I have determined whether or not I wish to pursue her for a possible relationship, she either gets put into MY friend zone, or I delete her from the pool altogether.

I meet a lot of people, and most of the time they are decent enough to keep around, so I end up with a lot of chicks in my friend zone. Most of them request me as a friend on Myspace then I forget about them for the most part. Some are pretty cool people, so we might hang out from time to time.

Some of the women I know are more attractive than others, but they are all pretty much fukkable. Do I sit there and obsess over trying to get into their pants? No, that would be BAD. Do I wonder on occasion what they would be like in bed? Absolutely. I am a heterosexual male.

I know plenty of guys like you. They figured out at some point in time that if you aren't careful, a woman will take advantage of you to obtain validation without regard for YOUR feelings. I know there is a possibility of that happening, but I'm not as weak as i used to be. Now I know how to recognize my thoughts and emotions I don't have to worry about anything.

On the other side I know a few guys who have mastered the art of befriending women to their advantage. My real estate agent is one of them. I have never known anyone who knows as many hot women as this guy does. I don't know where he finds them! This guy has a little more time on his hands than I do, and his social calendar is FULL with activities that revolve around friends of both sexes. Honestly, his life would wear me out. But it WORKS for him. He always has something going on, and he's one of the happiest people I know.

Another friend of mine I credit for much of my social network that I have today. He's the same way. Dude has a bajillion friends of both sexes, probably over 60% of them women. And this guy is a straight up PIMP when it comes to meeting and hooking up with women he wants to fukk. I will admit, he has his share of drama, but it stems from his GIRLFRIEND, not his female friends.

 

[d9930380]

Latinoman is normally right about all things however in this case I disagree. Neither men nor women can handle having attractive friends of the opposite sex that desire them. Given the right circumstances and maybe a bit of alchohol then the desire to "****" will take over. The main reason why either would stop themselves is if they feel loyalty to their partner (that's where men are weaker).

So where does this leave the OP, let her **** you, you're the rebound guy. Let both you enjoy it, then after when she's feeling better about herself she'll break it off with you. The only danger is if you think it's more than it is otherwise it's probably the best way for her to get over her boyfriend and it's better than her pulling some random guy/s atleast now it's with a guy she cares for and trusts.

 

[jophil28]

The relationship between Mr P and his girl "friend" has gone way past friendship. Friendship is usually a vertical process.
His connection with her is hovering on the brink of sexual and emotional entwinement. He is stiil pretending ,somewhat, that he wants to "help "her most of all ..
The problem is that he is the one who is likely to come out of this in much worse shape that she.
If she gets back with Capt Badass, then Mr P and his bed has been a convenient place for her to park her pain. Mr P claims that he would be happy to see them back together, however that somehow does not ring true. Why does he have so much emotionally invested in her if she is just "a friend "...
If Mr P goes ahead and fukkes her, then he should be aware that she may then turn on him.. "Look what you made me do last night ...I thought we were just friends "...( I have heard this kind of stuff 4 hours after a female "friend" had the best and wildest orgasm at my place.) Yeh, women pull this distorted shyte if their tiny conscience is shaken up. It is the guy's doing- always.
Women never accept accountability for their own actions.

Mr P - you are not her friend right now ,you are her emotional BAND AID.
These deals never have good outcomes ,,
Both of you have crossed boundaries that one of you will regret.

 

[edger]

If you do cave and cater to these poor saps who are crying on your shoulder, what does that make you? Cap'n Save-a-ho at best. If you're interested in more than a friend, why entertain her drama? She's not gonna stick around for long with Mr. Sensitive. She's wants Mr. Badass.

Oh yeah, totally, I wasn't refering to entertaining/helping her in my post. If you're interested in her as more than a friend, I agree, why entertain her drama? She will see you as nothing more than an emotional tampon/shoulder to cry on. But if it were for a buddy of mine, a male stranger, or like you said, if she's having anything other than guy troubles, I'd be an ear.

 

[STR8UP]

The relationship between Mr P and his girl "friend" has gone way past friendship.

Although I am a big proponent of having female friends in a HEALTHY context, I acknowledge the fact that the line can be difficult to define at times.

If a chick is naked in your bed without having sex that puts you squarely into that ambiguous territory where you have to ask yourself "is it worth it?"

To be perfectly honest I am close to that point with the one chick I know, the one who I vowed never to put any effort into sexing. The sexuality has been SLOOOOOW to escalate due to the fact that I have never actually tried to have sex with her, but it has escalated nonetheless. We go out and I'm not looking to hook up with her, then she's putting lip gloss on, i make a comment about it and she kisses me. Then we're dancing and she reaches back and grabs my d!ck. We have kissed plenty of times but she's never gotten THAT frisky, until last weekend.

Since I am "playing with fire" so to speak, something like this is probably going to force me to make a conscious decision as to whether or not it is in my best interest to go for the cookie or to de-escalate things. Only problem is if I take a step back you know whats gonna happen.....she's either going to get upset or it's gonna make her REALLY want to fukk me. Such is the nature of this type of relationship, and I know fully well what I am getting myself into.

I would probably be better off taking it down a notch but if the chick is reasonably attractive it's pretty hard to walk away thinking you're passing up a "gimme".

 

[Mr.Positive]

The relationship between Mr P and his girl "friend" has gone way past friendship. Friendship is usually a vertical process.
His connection with her is hovering on the brink of sexual and emotional entwinement. He is stiil pretending ,somewhat, that he wants to "help "her most of all ..
The problem is that he is the one who is likely to come out of this in much worse shape that she.
If she gets back with Capt Badass, then Mr P and his bed has been a convenient place for her to park her pain. Mr P claims that he would be happy to see them back together, however that somehow does not ring true. Why does he have so much emotionally invested in her if she is just "a friend "...
If Mr P goes ahead and fukkes her, then he should be aware that she may then turn on him.. "Look what you made me do last night ...I thought we were just friends "...( I have heard this kind of stuff 4 hours after a female "friend" had the best and wildest orgasm at my place.) Yeh, women pull this distorted shyte if their tiny conscience is shaken up. It is the guy's doing- always.
Women never accept accountability for their own actions.

Mr P - you are not her friend right now ,you are her emotional BAND AID.
These deals never have good outcomes ,,
Both of you have crossed boundaries that one of you will regret.

Jophil, I think you are right about sex as being a boundary that should not be crossed in this case. Sex, usually, isn't such a big deal, but in this case it would be. I could see this having a bad outcome, which I definitely do not want. It would be crossing the line with her and would, mentally and emotionally, make things a lot worse for her...and like you posted, could turn on me.

She's a wreck right now, the best way to help her, would be to keep things physically to a minimum. So..no more naked friends in my bed!! Thanks for all the great advise guys.

I do believe that Str8up's posts have been spot on about attractive female friends.

A friend, to me, is someone that I can try to help, if needed, without having a "hidden agenda".

It's all about being honest with yourself on this...because if you are not honest with yourself, and your intentions, that's when you end up an AFC trainwreck waiting to happen.