I attended a speed dating event today

[BaronOfHair]

Here's the difference: No one expects deer to be in downtown Chicago. You expect there to be available broads at a bar/speed dating event.

From the sounds of it, you seem to think men should use the following strategy:

1. Go to a bar.
2. If the gender ratio turns out to suck, go to another bar.
3. And if the gender ratio at the next bar turns out to suck? Find yet another bar.

That sounds exhausting (and miserable for a guy like me who's a one drink maximum type of guy). For that matter, I mentioned to a broad at the speed dating event I don't like to mix alcohol with finding a partner (she agreed). If only I had a chance to exchange contact info with her.

I seriously might prefer kissing a man over jumping from bar to bar in the hopes of finding a woman. And no, I'm not gay. But at least the kiss with a man will be over immediately. The misery of jumping from bar to bar will take up the whole evening.

Point is that we have many options available to us, aside from bars in nightclubs. Again, I urge to you to reconnect with your shrink, and resume psychotherapy. You'll learn to expand your thinking

 

[GoodMan32]

Point is that we have many options available to us, aside from bars in nightclubs. Again, I urge to you to reconnect with your shrink, and resume psychotherapy. You'll learn to expand your thinking

That therapist told me to come out of the closet regarding my ASD when pursuing a woman.

As I've said before on here, he deserves to get his credentials revoked for that.

 

[SW15]

That therapist told me to come out of the closet regarding my ASD when pursuing a woman.

As I've said before on here, he deserves to get his credentials revoked for that.

It's a bit of a lack of a common sense, but a lot of male therapists are beta married men, likely in mediocre marriages. Many of them are Gen X and Boomer males who last dated new people in the 20th Century.

Psychotherapy can fix some dating problems but it has a lot of blind spots in fixing all dating problems.

For many people who go to psychotherapy, it takes a lot to find a good therapist/counselor.

 

[GoodMan32]

It's a bit of a lack of a common sense, but a lot of male therapists are beta married men, likely in mediocre marriages. Many of them are Gen X and Boomer males who last dated new people in the 20th Century.

Psychotherapy can fix some dating problems but it has a lot of blind spots in fixing all dating problems.

For many people who go to psychotherapy, it takes a lot to find a good therapist/counselor.

My therapist never said anything about his marital status either way. It's quite possible he's stuck in a mediocre marriage (which would explain why he admitted to owning a fleshlight)

He's a Gen Xer; I know that much (he was born in the early 70s)

 

[GoodMan32]

You don't listen to a fish on how to catch fish. You listen to fishermen on how to catch fish. SoSuave has fishermen.

I just thought of an analogy.

Imagine you're opening a clothing store geared toward older broads.

Chatting with the former CEO of Nordstrom's would certainly be valuable.

You could also gain valuable insight from chatting with older broads about what they look for in an outfit, however.

 

[SW15]

My therapist never said anything about his marital status either way. It's quite possible he's stuck in a mediocre marriage (which would explain why he admitted to owning a fleshlight)

He's a Gen Xer; I know that much (he was born in the early 70s)

My assessment seems correct.

The Boomers and even the Gen X'ers had a different mating market than Millennials and Gen Z have had.

I also only talked about male therapists. There are plenty of heterosexually married Boomer/Gen X'er female therapists out there as well. There might be some unmarried heterosexual female therapists and also some LBGT therapists too.

You could also gain valuable insight from chatting with older broads about what they look for in an outfit, however.

It's difficult to make a good analogy between clothing/accessories that a store like Nordstrom would sell and the mating marketplace. Purchasing an outfit or shoes is a different purchase occasion than finding a boyfriend/husband/sexual partner.

Market research based on what women say would be more valuable in retail purchase occasions as compared to romantic settings. What women say in romance isn't as valuable as what they do.

 

[pipeman84]

Yeah, her questions scream gold digger indeed (Especially since she said she has a kid. She probably wants a sugar daddy for her and her kid). She was 39 but looked 23 by the way (she was one of 2 broads to volunteer their age)

Why the heck you waste your time AND humiliate yourself by putting yourself in this type of situation? Being interviewed by way past the wall women with lots of baggage.

Another thing, how's your eyesight? Do you wear glasses? Because there's no way a 39yrs old can look like a 23yrs old in real life. And even if there's an exception that proves the rule, she sure wouldn't be at a speed dating event.

 

[GoodMan32]

My assessment seems correct.

The Boomers and even the Gen X'ers had a different mating market than Millennials and Gen Z have had.

I also only talked about male therapists. There are plenty of heterosexually married Boomer/Gen X'er female therapists out there as well. There might be some unmarried heterosexual female therapists and also some LBGT therapists too.



It's difficult to make a good analogy between clothing/accessories that a store like Nordstrom would sell and the mating marketplace. Purchasing an outfit or shoes is a different purchase occasion than finding a boyfriend/husband/sexual partner.

Market research based on what women say would be more valuable in retail purchase occasions as compared to romantic settings. What women say in romance isn't as valuable as what they do.

The female therapist I went to for my first session this summer (but then it turned out her schedule was a terrible match for me going forward) was 37.

I have no idea of her marital status or orientation. At the very least, however, the mere fact she's a Millennial means her ideas aren't as outdated as the older male therapist. What a shame I got stuck with the male therapist.

Ok, to address the other part of your post, I get what you're saying about how what a woman does is generally more important than what a woman says.

But what about my next door neighbor's advice to withhold my age/birth year from an older woman until the older woman asks (because, according to my neighbor, who is an older woman, many an older woman will automatically disqualify me if they find out my age too soon)? Isn't that good information for me to know (in my pursual of older broads)?

 

[GoodMan32]

Why the heck you waste your time AND humiliate yourself by putting yourself in this type of situation? Being interviewed by way past the wall women with lots of baggage.

Another thing, how's your eyesight? Do you wear glasses? Because there's no way a 39yrs old can look like a 23yrs old in real life. And even if there's an exception that proves the rule, she sure wouldn't be at a speed dating event.

Umm, if you were more familiar with my posts, you'd know 39 is younger than I'd prefer.

I was wearing contact lenses at the speed dating event. Come to think of it, however, she was sitting in an area with poor lighting (perhaps she sat there on purpose)

Although rare, it's possible to look 16 years younger than your age. Billie Joe Armstrong was a whopping 37 in the 21 Guns music video (screenshot pictured), yet easily could have passed for 21.

 

[BaronOfHair]

That therapist told me to come out of the closet regarding my ASD when pursuing a woman.

As I've said before on here, he deserves to get his credentials revoked for that.

Entirely possible that you took his words out of context or/and didn't pick up on the fact that he was being facetious. This same shrink also encouraged you to rid yourself of the fantasy that if enough guys stopped approaching women, they'd start pursuing us, AND then encouraged you to start taking the initiative

He doesn't sound remotely "Blue Pill"

 

[GoodMan32]

Entirely possible that you took his words out of context or/and didn't pick up on the fact that he was being facetious. This same shrink also encouraged you to rid yourself of the fantasy that if enough guys stopped approaching women, they'd start pursuing us, AND then encouraged you to start taking the initiative

He doesn't sound remotely "Blue Pill"

I never got into my theory with him about how broads would start coming onto us if men stopped approaching broads cold turkey. All I said (on that topic) to him was that I wish it were more socially acceptable for broads to approach us (That was when he said even though a broad approaching a man is more common now than it used to be, he'd estimate the broad still wants the man to approach at least 85% of the time)

Pretty sure he wasn't being facetious about coming out of the closet with my ASD. When I objected to his idea (because of the stigma surrounding ASD), he attempted to assure me there's way less stigma today than there was in 2013. Sounds like he genuinely thought I should come of the ASD closet.

 

[Clockwerk50]

But what about my next door neighbor's advice to withhold my age/birth year from an older woman until the older woman asks (because, according to my neighbor, who is an older woman, many an older woman will automatically disqualify me if they find out my age too soon)? Isn't that good information for me to know (in my pursual of older broads)?

Men communicate overtly while women communicate covertly. I’m not sure I’d rely on that advice.

 

[Clockwerk50]

Men communicate overtly while women communicate covertly. I’m not sure I’d rely on that advice.

Too late to edit, but one of the Godfathers of PUA once said: "I don't care what women want. There's what women say they want and there’s what women think they want. Then, there's what women actually respond to."

 

[BeExcellent]

Alot to process here. Firstly let me explain something about my husband. 1. He is extremely handsome, tall and has an athletic but trim physique. Women do approach him regularly. Because of his looks he has had women fall into his lap all his teen & adult life. He has various female friends as he is well acclimated to women by virtue of the amount of exposure he has always gotten.

The communication issues crop up later in keeping a relationship going, which is a different sort of issue than @GoodMan32 is having. My husband learned how to navigate early on interactions with women (and is confident about approaching) because he knows he is a sought after man.

ASD is a continuum and no two individuals are quite the same. My husband is and probably will always be in denial about his ASD. That too creates difficulties in his interpersonal interactions and is not easy to deal with.

Frankly I think the therapist offered very sensible advice. If you behave in a socially bewildering way, the ASD offers some explaination/clarification to help others understand you. There are pros and cons of course and you must weigh those for yourself as an individual, but I prefer someone be open about what they are like. It helps me understand where someone else is.

I happen to have the benefit of a close friendship with one of my husband's ex girlfriends who knows him very well, is a long term close friend of his and happens to be a PhD in psychology and a therapist. She has given me tremendous insight into understanding him better. So he or we are quite lucky & fortunate in that way. Their relationship did not last but a great friendship arose from that. It has been super helpful for me, and she is a very cool person independent of him. So I have gained a wonderful female friend as a result of getting to know her.

My advice to @GoodMan32 is stop fixating so much on getting laid and focus on learning social skills and cultivating friendships with both men and women. My husband actually has a number of female friends. I know each of his female friends and trust in those interactions, just as he trusts my interactions with my male friends.

Quit seeing others as a means to an end because people can tell when you are associating with them for a use or purpose only, and people don't like that.

Speak with your therapist about that if it's an issue.

 

[BillyPilgrim]

BE has good advice above OP, but you'd probably be better off being on the down-low with your ASD diagnosis until 1) you're able to form a bond or rapport with the person you're disclosing it to and 2) you're able to get better at masking - which ties into the bulk of her advice above; the better you get at socializing the more "normal" you will seem.

 

[AmsterdamAssassin]

I exited onto the patio (slamming the door on my way out). I then slammed the patio gate when I left the patio.

the pouting toddler angrily leaving the party because the other kids got to play with the cool toys

 

[SW15]

My advice to @GoodMan32 is stop fixating so much on getting laid and focus on learning social skills and cultivating friendships with both men and women. My husband actually has a number of female friends. I know each of his female friends and trust in those interactions, just as he trusts my interactions with my male friends.

Social skill is going to be one of the bigger issues for him. There's been a decline in social skills in the USA and likely most Westernized countries in recent decades. Millennials and Gen Z in general have poorer social skills than predecessor generations. The increase in technology and screen time is the biggest factor for this.

He has multiple issues as he detailed in this thread, especially the thread's first post. The mental illnesses likely need some combination of psychotherapy and medication. A mental health professional can address that. Like many, he has had poor experiences with talk therapy and there are limitations to what talk therapy can actually accomplish in fixing male dating problems. The pregnancy phobia issue is quite abnormal. He and only one other poster who has gone away have had such bad pregnancy phobias.

my struggles with the ladies go way beyond mere social awkwardness

I was having a DM discussion with another member where I mentioned how my struggles with the ladies go beyond mere social awkwardness/ASD. Come to think of it, I suppose the topic warrants its own thread. In addition to my ASD/social awkwardness, there are many other factors working against me...

www.sosuave.net

I have mixed feelings on the subject of male-female friendships. I don't think that they are productive for men. I don't think it is natural for a man to be friends with a woman when he's physically attracted to her. He imight be able to be friends with women when he isn't physically attracted, but that's not a productive use of time either. The downside of not having female friends is that it is makes social circle introductions less likely. It's still possible to get them from acquaintance level women, but less likely. Those social circle introductions are extremely valuable for mid-tier men. Top-tier Chads don't need them at all, but that can make a major difference for a mid-tier man.

I think it is a good thing for a man to have positive interactions with female acquaintances. A man can have pleasant interactions with female co-workers and the girlfriends/wives of his existing male friends. While I don't think a man should be spending much 1-on-1 time with women outside of a sexually charged interaction, I don't think he should ignore women either.

 

[corrector]

There you go GM. (in ref to first paragraph of BE post) You are not a Chad that has women falling into your lap since your teens. Game over.

 

[corrector]

Alot to process here. Firstly let me explain something about my husband. 1. He is extremely handsome, tall and has an athletic but trim physique. Women do approach him regularly. Because of his looks he has had women fall into his lap all his teen & adult life. He has various female friends as he is well acclimated to women by virtue of the amount of exposure he has always gotten.

The communication issues crop up later in keeping a relationship going, which is a different sort of issue than @GoodMan32 is having. My husband learned how to navigate early on interactions with women (and is confident about approaching) because he knows he is a sought after man.

ASD is a continuum and no two individuals are quite the same. My husband is and probably will always be in denial about his ASD. That too creates difficulties in his interpersonal interactions and is not easy to deal with.

I don't think GM would mind would communication issues to keep a relationship going....I think he is more interested into the falling into lap part. After all he wants fun and games, not the boring relationship nonsense. It sounds like the looks of a guy is more determinant to if he gets female friends rather than being labelled the freaky creep.

 

[corrector]

My therapist never said anything about his marital status either way. It's quite possible he's stuck in a mediocre marriage (which would explain why he admitted to owning a fleshlight)

He's a Gen Xer; I know that much (he was born in the early 70s)

He owns a fleshlight while he is married then it does not speak much about his marriage or wife. Having to buy a fleshlight while you are with another women is an abomination. You should only buy it if you are an incel or escortcel (ie to save money on using escorts, or in between escort visits, etc...) and have no religious convictions against it. I tried this myself a decade ago, but the religious conviction against it was too soul crushing to keep it.