I am only 21 and I faced huge reality shock... I need help from mature men.

[moneyisking]

PLEASE HELP ME, I NEED WISDOM
Hello, gentlemen. I am 21 years old Asian guy, going to university for nursing, and even though I am certainly of young age, I have faced a reality shock. You know those very few moments in life that possibly turn the course of life or psychology and mind of human being? It's one of those moments, and I really need your wisdom. I will write as detailed as I can so you can help me.

Within just 2 weeks, I had series of things that happened to me that made me to think very hard and serious about life.

1) I started lifting weights very hard with solid goal, and as my body grew, so did my mind.
2) I got major heart-broken from a girl that I really liked.
3) I began to realize that life is really about me, not anything else; and started to realize that women are just part of life. The focus started to lean towards self.
4) I seriously thought if nursing was something I really wanted to do. The answer was... NO.
5) So I called my father and we had the first serious talk as father to son in life. I usually never bring serious topic to my dad. What he told me got me into reality shock that I am in right now.

Now allow me to go over 1 to 5 in details; thanks for bearing with me.

1) In every man, there is a champion, and I believe that training hard with solid goal brings out that champion mindset. I started thinking very deep and as result, I started thinking about things I never even imagined before. This is the biggest one: ever since I hit 18, I started to become obsessed with success with girls. I had a brother who was very confident, sure of life, and generally satisfied with life, and he got all the girls. As I was growing up, I always had low self-esteem, and I did everything to bring it up. Then I turned to women. At first, I wanted to be successful with girls b/c I thought it would make me happier. Then past these weeks, I thought about this and I realized I wasn't interested in success with girls. I was interested in qualities that made the man bold and sure of himself that attracted girls. Then I thought deeper, and I found out I wasn't interested in that either. I was actually interested in accepting myself and being sure of myself that would manifest as being attractive; which ironically if I became such, I wouldn't even care about girls, and they would be attracted to me. All along I tried to find myself through women, but in the end, I was actually trying to find myself and just accept myself. Remember I told you I had seriously low-self esteem growing up?

2) Then, I got my heart-broken by a girl that I really liked (mostly b/c of personality, but she's very cute). As you can tell, I am not so experienced with girls, and as she was the first girl I hit second base, I guess my "love" intensified. But she cut contact and I found out yesterday from a friend that she thinks I am not it. This still brings me down, but something I have to get over with. Since this happened, I really started thinking what love and relationship is, and I got confused honestly haha...

3) I began to realize that life was more about me, than anything else, for ex, girls. This point is elaborated in #1. But of course, I am human, so I sometimes see myself divert my focus to women.

4) I realized that nursing is not for me. First of all, I did it b/c my parents decided it for me (back then, I didn't think, so had no clue what I wanted). I actually want to do a manly job. I want to go into military and achieve high ranks, or work in CIA or FBI. That excites me, but nursing definitely doesn't. It bores me and I really don't care enough about people to care for them.

5) So I called my dad and we had talk. This is where I got reality shock. He told me that by the time everyone reaches 30s or 40s, NO ONE IS LIVING HAPPY. He said world is not sunshine rainbow where people goes "ooh lala, I feel great and happy and awesome everyday" and live. He said most people in jobs that "make them happy" actually DRAG themselves to do it, but they get meaning and worth out of the results and that keeps them going. I got so shocked. My goal of life was to become "happy" and joyful in life, that I would feel great to live everyday, but my dad is telling me that normal people don't live happily. They just live on b/c of things that they drag themselves to do sometimes bring meanings and worth that makes you go in later years "ah... I am not happy per say, but I lived my life good... I am not joyful and euphoric about life, but I feel pretty fulfilled". He said it's not happiness, but satisfaction. I almost came to tears when I heard and understood this... So I thought and thought... and came to this conclusion: My dad is a very wise man, but this is my life too. I will listen to him, but think more and live more to see what is up with this thing called life. I think I did grow out of that "Let's make my life happy and live in eternal joy", and I came to believe more into fulfillment, satisfaction from achievements.

Gentlemen, at this point, I really don't know why I should live if we are all to live as maggots in the toilet reaching to get out to become a fly, but we keep slipping back to the toilet. Then even if we become a fly, we would be a vermin and dig through garbage and worry about Raid. I am never going to commit suicide, but I do understand the hopelessness of those who do it.

To finish, I do want to say that I have been hit by the world so many times emotionally, psychologically, and mentally, that I know it's not how hard I can hit, but how much I can get hit and keep on moving forward. I think I got what it takes to do that, and I am keeping up positive thoughts. I am just afraid I will never be happy and live life in misery; then what the hell did I get up and move on forward for? Thank you, and please give me some advice, since you're wiser men than I am.

 

[Boilermaker]

Going through your first existential problems ...

Good for you. Try to cherish this, and remember there's no point in being suicidal either.

My PhD adviser who is around 55 years old ( I respect him more than the average 50 year old I interact in this site) told me this amusing anectode: When you are a child you do what your father tells you to do; when you are a teenager you do the opposite of what your father tells you.. When you are an adult you listen to your father and you do what you think is right ..

You should choose the third option.. Go through these emotions, you'll grow. Keep thinking and working hard.

And don't worry about anything too much, being "healthy" is probably the key of all.

That's my advice. Now the "real" mature men can stand up.

 

[Boilermaker]

double post

 

[moneyisking]

Referring to religion, I have pretty special view on God. I know He exists, I believe in Christ, and salvation. I, however, believe that God cares more about certain people, and don't really care about others. Many times I asked God for help, and He didn't. So I stopped seeking him and I got on my a$$ to do it myself and solved them. After I matured up, I realized that maybe this is a way God trains some people in special, difficult, and mysterious ways. I rarely ask for God's help or blessing; I just go on and try to do it myself, and if God helps, great. If not, it's not a news. I think He really meant to teach me what it means to keep going on and man the hell up no matter how hard I get hit. Amazingly, I got back up everytime, and even though I feel confused, down, sad, and plain mad, I know 100% that I can bring myself out of this. But ya, that's simply my belief in God. I don't intend to seek Him more than this at this point. Maybe when I get older, who knows?

 

[Slickster]

Moneyisking, every guy around your age goes thru these feelings. It's just a part of life and a phase that will pass. Learn from this.

As a young adult your parents want assurance that you are on the right path and moving forward with your life and career. The fact that you've changed your mind about nursing probably has them feeling uneasy.

Your father is trying to teach you a lesson. He wants the best for you and wants you to be happy, but he knows that the world is tough and life is not easy. He is having this conversation with you now to toughen you up and give you a reality check.

Something that you should remember is that as a young guy you probably still have the mindset that all the decisions you make now are final and forever.

Just because you are going to nursing school doesn't mean you have to be a nurse forever (or even at all). It is a skill you are learning. You will learn many skills and probably have many jobs/careers throughout your life.

When you are young a year seems like a really long time. 4 years seems like forever and a decade seems like infinity.

When you get older you will learn that time flies. If you finish your nursing the time you spent in nursing school will seem like a small blip. However, if you don't finish the time you've already invested will seem like a waste of opportunity.

How much time left do you have to finish your nursing training? How much of the program have you finished already? If you are close to finishing (like 1-2 years) you should finish what you've started even if it isn't ideal. Once you are done you can start working and making some decent money while you are re-focusing your goals on something more important to you. Nurses are always going to be in demand. Just treat it as a temporary job or stepping stone to something bigger and better.

A lot of young 20 somethings flounder around for years trying to decide what they are going to do. I know I did. I eventually figured it out in my late 20's and didn't really get my career started until I was in my 30's. I'm doing well now but some of my friends who did what you are doing have a decade head start on me. They've all changed to better careers now but they made great money and learned a lot of skills during their 20's while I was "searching".

There is no dream job. It's called work for a reason. Even professional surfers feel like what they do is "work" sometimes.

You are only 21 and have a lot of time to figure out your path. If you are not 100% absolutely sure what you want to do it's better to be working towards something, ANYTHING, that is going to put in a better place in the near future.

It's a tough age to stay focused. Stay strong.

Plus nursing school probably has 20 to 1 ratio of women to men. Not the worst place to hanging out while you're figuring stuff out.

Good luck

 

[moneyisking]

slickster, thanks a lot. as you probably have in your early 20s, i am going through a lot of sh1t right now... thinking endless without definite answer... i talked to few ppl so far and it's getting more clear... i never imagined a day like this would come where i get hit by reality very hard and never be me i used to be. honestly it sucks right now but i am really glad because i can learn from this and grow up a lot. now i really want to get better with my positive thinking and keeping up motivation for self development and especially to do excellent in nursing. thank you for your word of wisdom again

 

[DJ SO STEVE]

You are still pretty young. If you want to change your career, the earlier you do it the better. It gets harder later because you'll have more responsibilities so you won't be able to study as much. You'll be working to pay off your car, rent etc.

Men are measured based on their achievements. You have a nice house/condo, have a PHD, own a porche, run your own business, etc. These accomplishments make men happy. Successful men have more people looking up to them, following them etc. So the more successful you are, the more people and WOMEN will be around you.

Mystery said there are three main goals in life:
- Survive
- Become Successful
- Replicate

If you work on becoming successful, you will be able to survive and since you'll have more people around you. It will be easier for you to find women cause they'll actually find YOU!

 

[Jitterbug]

Choose a profession you're best at, not what you're excited about. Excitement is what hobbies are for.

What you're best at may change as you get older, learn new things, become more resourceful and know different types of people.

You can always learn to like what you do for a living. Chasing excitement & fun at work is the bullsh1t our feminised education system is teaching young people these days. That's not how things are.

 

[Fuglydude]

Choose a profession you're best at, not what you're excited about. Excitement is what hobbies are for.

What you're best at may change as you get older, learn new things, become more resourceful and know different types of people.

You can always learn to like what you do for a living. Chasing excitement & fun at work is the bullsh1t our feminised education system is teaching young people these days. That's not how things are.

Definitely dont' agree man... maybe its because I work in an area where I deal w/ critical life and death situations, but if you're not excited and motivated to go to work then you should probably go and pick another career. This is why I never became an engineer... I know I'd be good at it, but I simply don't think it would excite/stimulate me as much as something in healthcare.

I've worked in tons of different areas:

- Sorter at a bottle depot
- Amusement park ride operator
- Retail clothing sales
- Retail supplement sales
- Department store associate
- Membership sales at a gym
- Personal trainer
- Psychiatric aide
- Male entertainer
- Male entertainment booking agent
- RN
- CCRN

Out of these many different jobs, the few that excited me were the ones I stayed in the longest, and were also the ones in which I was the most successful: namely - supplement sales, male entertainer and CCRN.

IMO you gotta be passionate about your work to be happy and excel at it.

Money - you're a young dude who's got ample time to figure things out. You probably don't like it because you don't get to work in badass areas where people are all phucked up, etc. I'd suggest you finish the nursing degree and get a job in a high tech/critical area like ICU or ER. Nursing is a pretty sweet profession because of the versatility that you'll have. In addition you'll be working with a ton of women. Some of em will be hot. The money is decent too, especially if you take the anesthesia route. You can always do something else afterwards, but nursing will give you a strong fall back option that you'll be able to rely on for the rest of your life.

You're still a young enough guy that you can do whatever the hell you want with your life after you're done your degree. You'll always be able to work part time and make a pretty good income while pursuing other stuff... this is why I'm suggesting you finish your degree.

 

[Jitterbug]

I do get what you're saying, but you seem to be a very grounded guy who have a very clear idea about what you want to do and what you have to deal with, whereas he's like a kid who has only been sat down & man-talked to for the first time ever. He's been pretty much in la-la land until his dad sat him down for the talk.

Personally I came from a poor immigrant background (also Asian, like him). I didn't have a luxury of choices when I started out, until now. I got whatever job I could get, and one job would lead me to the next.

All of those jobs you did - at least half of them you did simply to get by, yes? I can't imagine anyone getting excited at being a sorter at a bottle depot. The problem with young guys like him (I've seen so many) is that they never actually get started and just DO something, because they have too many choices and fiddle over which one is the most exciting.

Atm I'm doing a job I really enjoy, and some aspects of it I'm passionate about, but there are plenty of parts that are just work, that's no more exciting than bat sh1t. I'm sure everyone's dream career would be similar.

 

[zekko]

5) So I called my dad and we had talk. This is where I got reality shock. He told me that by the time everyone reaches 30s or 40s, NO ONE IS LIVING HAPPY. He said world is not sunshine rainbow where people goes "ooh lala, I feel great and happy and awesome everyday" and live. He said most people in jobs that "make them happy" actually DRAG themselves to do it, but they get meaning and worth out of the results and that keeps them going.

I can definitely say that this is not true. I am generally very happy and contented. Having said that, I AM tired of my job, and a lot of time I don't want to be there. I've been working in my field for a long time, and at one time I really enjoyed it, but I'm just tired of it now. However, I have a goal I am working toward, so that makes it a positive thing.

I think your dad has it backwards, a little. Usually people get happier as they get older. I think this is because they start to reach at least some of their goals, they become more thankful for their lives and the (dwindling) time they have here, and they just learn how to exist.

I was often depressed when I was in my 20s. But by the time I was 30, I had learned to be happy. When you are in your twenties, you have a lot of stresses on you, things you need to learn, and things you need to accomplish. Once you start getting these things taken care of, things become more stable for you, and you become more content. At least that's the way it worked for me. Probably all the dissatisfaction you feel in your early adult life helps to drive you on to improve your situation and go out and get what you want.

So did you decide to continue on with nursing, or drop it?

 

[Rollo Tomassi]

I'll let this thread sit a bit longer, but I am going to have to push it Anything Else soon.

 

[Warrior74]

I was often depressed when I was in my 20s. But by the time I was 30, I had learned to be happy. When you are in your twenties, you have a lot of stresses on you, things you need to learn, and things you need to accomplish. Once you start getting these things taken care of, things become more stable for you, and you become more content. At least that's the way it worked for me. Probably all the dissatisfaction you feel in your early adult life helps to drive you on to improve your situation and go out and get what you want.

I agree. My 20s were filled with so much delayed teenage angst. I was a good kid in high school without much drama and who listened to his parents. I felt like a rebellious teen in my 20s. I think smart/good kids go through that later in life.

My parents sent me to a college and a career path I hated. I wanted to make movies and draw comics for a living. They told me to grow up and be realistic. They sent me off for college in a hick town learning computer information systems. I ended up dropping out and being a graphic artist/video producer. It was scary as hell and I was poor as **** for a long number of years as I worked my way up the ladder...I'm never gonna be as rich as my friends who finished school and went on to great IT jobs. But I am satisfied with my life, I enjoy my work and I can't imagine doing anything else (except maybe marketing, its becoming a new passion). Here in my mid 30s, struggling to get my own business off the ground, single with a daughter I see every other weekend....I'm pretty damn content with my life. It could be better, but it's been waaay worse and I'm pretty happy for the most part and excited about the future.

Happiness is a feeling. And remember...feelings come and go. Are there times when work is just work? Of course. Are there times when work and life is like being on Charlie Sheen? Yup. These days its more Sheening then drudgery since I'm working for myself. It's the challenge, the sport of going out, getting clients, getting money, completing the project, wowing the client and winning. Find what you want to win at and start winning.

You never know where life is going to take you, and you never know what your destiny will be. All you can do is go for what you really want while you're young and strive to get it. You only get one shot so shoot for it.

 

[moneyisking]

Guys, I am continuing nursing; I hate the idea of quitting.

Warrior, I totally agree with your saying "happiness is a feeling. and feelings come and go". What a truth! I am thinking even love that girls think are so true and ever-lasting is in same way, nonexistent. I mean remember you had your first love and how now they are just gone memory? It's never the same. I bet it's same with all the successfully wed couples. Their love is definitely not the same as how they started. Probably that passion and fire died out pretty quick. and maybe after 30-50 yrs of marriage, they probably went the way together as both consciously gave effort to love each other. If they didn't try, no way there wasn't a divorce.

Now my point is now... nothing is forever, and happiness is never-lasting. We are fallen beings from the Garden of Eden; I think God gave us A LOT more for us to deal with than just labor and child-bearing. Look how every single human beings divert back to chaos... it's the nature's law. No matter how happy we are at one moment, we become challenged by worries and anxiety and fall down again. People say seek God, but even God can't bring the eternal joy that make us go "oooh lala!". I have been touched by Holy Spirit few years ago, and they disappear too. The strongest Christians I know aren't the happy ones that have good life all the time. It's the ones that endure all the pain and depression that life throw at em and keep going just like everybody else. By the way Mr. Tommassi, is this thread not fitting to this forum?

 

[Rollo Tomassi]

Here's a secret - there's no such thing as contentment.

Being content implies that life is static, it's not, and to be honest, how boring would that be anyway? Life consists of varying states of discontent: why else would you bother doing anything? But the good news is that it's more fun and more beneficial to manage discontent than to endure contentment (which you can't anyway since it's transitory at best).

The trick is to understand that there are 2 kinds of discontent - constructive and destructive discontent. What you choose to do with that discontent makes all the difference in the world. You will only get what you've gotten if you keep doing what you've done. Don't allow yourself to fall into destructive habits of dealing with discontent. Don't bother with anti-depressants and self-help books when a good hard workout at the gym would serve you better. You can wallow depressively in discontent, bemoaning how you wish things were easier, or you can get off your ass and build yourself into something better.

The truth is I'm always discontent, but constructively so. The minute you can look yourself in the mirror and be happy with what you see, you're sunk. You can always improve, even after achieving things that were once very important and difficult to attain. Happiness is a state of being, it's in the 'doing' not the 'having done.' It's not about endlessly chasing your tail, it's not about about the awards and diplomas on your wall, it's about being better than you were the day before.

By the way Mr. Tommassi, is this thread not fitting to this forum?

Read the forum rules, you're too young to start a thread here.

 

[seth03]

if you are not completely ecstatic about your job then you should change it. anyone that says life is drudgery, life is a painful wait until death, etc....or other similar sentiments as what your dad said IS NOT LIVING LIFE TO THEIR FULLEST POTENTIAL.

I am in my 3rd year of medical school, 24, and having a blast. I am literally euphoric all the time. Maybe I have a problem??

The docs who are in the field I want to go into are having a blast as well.

Find what you are passionate about and become the best at it.

 

[Rubirosa]

In regards to item 4, I don't consider my profession very "Macho" either, but I do full contact Karate...which is very macho. I hope to be a World champion in the Senior's division someday. I make good money at my work, and I also have a lot of free time which gives me time to train. It's all about balancing your life and priorities. If I didn't do Karate, then the non macho aspect of my work might bother me, but since I do, I don't feel any negativity. FYI, My Dad was a cop and he was a very Non macho guy.

 

[romangod]

Here's a secret - there's no such thing as contentment.

Being content implies that life is static, it's not, and to be honest, how boring would that be anyway?

I don't agree. Being content does imply static but that doesn't mean it doesn't exist. Overall, I'm content. That doesn't mean I will be in the future or that I was in the past. It just means that at the moment, I am.

It's not life that is static. It's my mood in this life that is static at the moment.


Cheers!

 

[Romjuan]

Referring to religion, I have pretty special view on God. I know He exists, I believe in Christ, and salvation. I, however, believe that God cares more about certain people, and don't really care about others. Many times I asked God for help, and He didn't. So I stopped seeking him and I got on my a$$ to do it myself and solved them. After I matured up, I realized that maybe this is a way God trains some people in special, difficult, and mysterious ways.

I was going to say the same thing you just mentioned. Im not super religious, but maybe this was his way of helping you. If god gives you everything that easily, how will you be bettering yourself? sometimes through trials and tribulations you become a better person because you worked hard at it and it is that much better.

I believe this struggle you are going through is gods test. By putting you through this is his way of helping you. When you overcome this and look back you will see a new light...
Stay positive my friend, the light at the end of the tunnel will get brighter.

 

[Julius_Seizeher]

Run for your life from anyone who tells you that the only worth you can achieve is by living for others. You are NOT a sacrificial animal, you owe NOTHING to anyone else, save for the obligation to observe their same rights which you hold self-evident in a society of free men.

Only a slave can work with no right to the product of his effort. No one, by any baseless appeal to your emotions, has the right to put you in chains and then pat you on the back for "doing the right thing." The only right thing you can count on is doing the right thing for yourself; it is to yourself that you must bear supreme allegiance. It is YOUR decisions, YOUR mind, YOUR life; anyone who claims any "moral right" over any of the aforementioned things is a killer, acting on the premise of death but more evil than a murderer, for they wish to end your life as a free man and make you a slave to THEIR incompetence, THEIR weakness, and THEIR rubber code of morality that attempts to champion slavery and malingering while vilifying personal ambition and productive effort.

You are not a bee in a hive, you are an individual, a sovereign end within yourself.