I am hornier than ever yet I cannot approach

[curiouscat]

Hello,
I am writing this post because I want to believe I am not hopeless and maybe get some useful advice, here is my situation.

I am 33 years old and I am extremely shy (this shyness basically ruined my life) I have always had problems connecting with people, it was easier when I was younger but now it is just ridiculous, it is like if I was some kind of alien I just don’t understand people.

Of course my love life is non existant, my whole life I only had one girlfriend and it was about 12 years ago (I know, it is pretty pathetic).

The worst part about my situation is that I know I am quite good looking (I always get looks from women and in the past quite a few actually told me they found me attractive) I also don’t consider myself stupid yet no matter how bad I want it I cannot approach women.

Whenever I see a woman I want to approach I am completely frozen (even though I really want to talk to her) I guess what stops me is a combination of :

- Shame of having sexual desires and showing it
- Weirdly what other people might (I mean passersby, old lady sitting across etc… it makes no sense !)
- Most importantly, a strong physical sensation of being frozen, almost like a “Deer in Headlights” type feeling but I just cannot do anything else but to look away instead of looking at the headlights

The latter is the worst because even the times when the two first blocks are somewhat handled, this feeling is stronger than me and no matter how bad I am attracted to a woman, I cannot make a move, I guess I can call it “panic”.

Up until a month ago the only sexual release I could get was by watching porn and masturbating, but I got really tired of it and stopped it completely.

I thought it was a good idea but despite the fact that I am hornier than ever (wasn’t that horny since high school) I still cannot do much about it, I am still paralyzed when I see women I am attracted to and it just makes my life MISERABLE (especially now that it is spring and there is more and more woman wearing miniskirts etc outside…)

It is like my body / mind would not allow me to behave like a normal man and I just do not see a way out of it which is driving me crazy, I am sick of living this way. I know there is a huge part of the joy of being a human being that I have missed for so many years.

Has anybody here been in a similar situation? Any advice?

 

[PrettyBoyAJ]

Man, I have the certain problem to a degree. If it is day game I am bad at just striking up a conversation if I'm alone. If I was with the homies it took away from my fear. I just now recently determined that I got to stop it and since then I can feel my confidence step up a little bit. You just have to change your mindset. It will take time but it can slowly be done. What I would do if I were you is just go to different malls on the weekend. City to City, Just walk around and shop. If you see a little breezy that you like you go and approach her and spit game.

When you realize that us man are better then women and that you have more to offer then it will definitely be easier. But practice is the best key and you just need to keep going "in the ring". So just keep going out and force yourself to do what you don't want to do it. The first time you get rejected you will feel way better.

Remember, it matters more how you say it compared to what you say. This weekend is a good weekend to go out and campaign too. It's memorial day weekend so you already know there will be people at the park, bbq, and pool parties. Just go out playboy. Pretty Boy definitely is.

 

[Spinning Spinning]

I reckon the first step is quitting the porn which you've done. It shows you're ready to take things on.

Are you a weed smoker? You sure have weed smoker paranoia. Just asking.

Personally, and this is just one man's opinion (and I aint no PIMP or REMOTE), I think you need to lower your sights a little to something that doesn't make you fret so hard. Practice on lesser women, build up that confidence, you never know where that may take you.

 

[curiouscat]

Man, I have the certain problem to a degree. If it is day game I am bad at just striking up a conversation if I'm alone. If I was with the homies it took away from my fear. I just now recently determined that I got to stop it and since then I can feel my confidence step up a little bit. You just have to change your mindset. It will take time but it can slowly be done. What I would do if I were you is just go to different malls on the weekend. City to City, Just walk around and shop. If you see a little breezy that you like you go and approach her and spit game.

When you realize that us man are better then women and that you have more to offer then it will definitely be easier. But practice is the best key and you just need to keep going "in the ring". So just keep going out and force yourself to do what you don't want to do it. The first time you get rejected you will feel way better.

Remember, it matters more how you say it compared to what you say. This weekend is a good weekend to go out and campaign too. It's memorial day weekend so you already know there will be people at the park, bbq, and pool parties. Just go out playboy. Pretty Boy definitely is.

I have tried that to a certain extent but every time something in me is always blocking me, I can't describe this feeling but it is always and I don't know how to get rid of it.

And no I am not a weed smoker, as for the avoidant personality disorder, I don't think it is that extreme with me, It is with women that I have the biggest problem.

 

[ladyzman]

Hire a prostitute cuase girls run away from horny todes.

 

[ka_mate]

Okay, so I fully agree giving up porn. Porn, and this is totally my own opinion, can be a really damaging factor that can warp a way a guy deals with sexuality and with women.

Eleanor Roosevelt once said "Do something everyday which scares you". I am personally taking this quote as a principle with which to live my life. Perhaps you could add it into yours.

Now these things don't have to be directly related to talking to women. They can simply be doing something which goes against what you believe if the real or imagined social norm.

This could be as simply as singing to yourself in public. Obviously, you can start singing quietly when you're walking in deserted areas but as you develop a tolerance for singing more publicly sing when their is the real possibility that other people may hear you. Or dancing in public.

Perhaps investigate some way to practise your public speaking. I've heard of Toastmasters online but have no idea of its actually usefullness. Give it a look up.

Here is a very easy and enjoyable option. Watch videos of people on youtube defying social convention and having the self confidence to stand out in the public forum.

I've got three

1. Chaser's War on Everything - An Australian show where they do a number of pranks and skits basically seeing how the public react to their antics. You may have heard of them as the Australian Comedians who infiltrated the security at the APEC summit a few years ago. Hours of hilarious footage online.

Here is one where one of the guys wears a stocking over his head as a fashion statement
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=37X4WAmwiJQ

Here is one where one of them hijacks open mics in shopping centres to make humourous community service announcements.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6Tg7KC4fEog&feature=related

2. Three guys who are called Simple Pick up they approach women and show other guys how it can be done and have fun at the same time. They pick up women dressed as nerds, emos, pokemon trainers, in wheelchairs and using hip hop lyrics amongst many others.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YjzOEEV_3WA

3. Remi Gaillard a French guy who preaches that by "Doing nothing, one becomes nothing" He does a number of comical things in public and has been arrested on numerous occasions but is bloody funny.

In this clip him and a number of friends dress up as Pacman characters and play real life Pacman in different bars and supermarkets.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_AdLjo-empw&feature=fvst

I find that when I get super nervous and scared about something and I feel like my gut is going to fall out once I overcome my fear and complete what I was going to do a euphoric feeling overcomes me and it feels fvcking great.

Try skydiving, to experience what I'm talking about. On the plane ride up you'll be dropping nuts and it'll be tough to leap out the plane but once the adrenaline hits you and you get to the ground safely and realise you DID IT you'll feel bloody good.

Perhaps even lose your goal-orientation with women for a little bit. I explained that poorly I shall now illustrate
e.g. you're in a bar (stereotypical but good to illustrate with) and you see a girl instead of your thought process being

> represents 'therefore'
I want to fvck her/sleep with her > I shall talk to her

change it to

I want to challenge myself tonight > I shall talk to her

A sports psychologist once gave me this idea and I really liked it. She said "Everyone gets nerves, it's how you handle them and INTERPRET them that is important"

and she wanted me to change my mindset from "I'm nervous before this game therefore there is no way I'll be able to play as well as I normally do" to

"I'm feeling nervous and this is sign that my body is telling me that it is ready for the challenge ahead and is ready to perform"

In Summary,

1. I believe it would be beneficial for you to breakdown your perceived fear of 'rejection' or social outcastness by watching those videos.

2. To constantly challenge yourself by doing something small each day to increase your comfort zone. I'm going to draw a somewhat abstract metaphor here, hold with me

Imagine a grassy field that has grown to about two feet high except for one circular spot large enough for you to stand on with a lawnmower. You can move comfortably in the small zone but it is uncomfortable in the tall grass. Each day I want you to step out of the comfortable zone and using the lawnmower do one lap around your circular area.

Over time your 'comfort' area will increase and slowly and surely the seemingly impossible task of mowing the whole field will become more and more possible. Imagine the corners of the field to be having sex and/or maintaining a loving relationship with a girl. It is much easier to get the lawnmower to the corners and edge of the field if the area that is between your initial circular area and it is already a 'comfortable' area.

If this is an awful metaphor do tell, but I hope it helped illustrate my point.

I'd love to hear how you progress/whether my advice was garbage or helpful.


Cheers

 

[ka_mate]

Hey, me again. Just adding a couple of things I thought of when I just hit post then.

1. Going onto my goal-orientation thing you can change the aim from approaching a girl from "I want to approach her, get her number and eventually have sex with her. My goal is to get laid" to simply "I want to approach her. My Final goal is talk to her and strike up a conversation"

By making approaching an end in itself you can make progress because you feel like you are achieving something (which you are). Where as, having "I want to get laid" as your goal is not determinded SOLELY by you. Sure, you have a big influence in the process but the idea that any guy can get any girl is ludicrous.

For example, if your goal for the night is start a conversation with one girl and the conversation goes

You: Hi, how's it going
Her: Please go away, I'm a *****face and not interested in men.

YOU FVCKING WIN

You can go home punching the sky in victory Rocky style because you showed courage and acted in the face of fear. And honestly, if you go in with such a non offensiving opening statement it's unlikely she will say that and even if she does who cares YOU FVCKING DID IT!

Where as, if you're goal was to get laid and that some conversation took place you'd go home thinking "Geez I can't believe she didn't even talk for long. I was so far from getting laid, I can't even get a number blah blah blah" and you feel unhappy.

It is really a change in mindset that will help you the most and then living this mindset

2. A couple of mantras I want you to memorise and consciously repeat in your head when you feel nervous.

"I think I can, I think I can, I think I can" I used this the other day when I was dropping nuts about something and I ended up having the courage to do what I was epically fearing. When my brain was rattling off negative thoughts

"Man you don't have to do this, you could just go home" the mantra just came in and shut them down and gave me a focus away from the negativity

it was like

"Man you don't have to do this I THINK I CAN I THINK I CAN I THINK I CAN"

It's quite a soothing thing to say over and over and over again in your head. If you have to keep thinking it for 5 minutes do so. It is a bit like meditation if you've ever done that. Ignore other thoughts, and repeat mantra

"Don't get into the habit of doing what feels good instead of what is good for you"

This motto can be applied to basically any decision making situation to guide you. Wondering whether you should have Macdonald's or a healthy lunch

"Don't get into the habit of doing what feels good instead of what is good for you"

Wondering whether you should challenge yourself and say hi to that girl
Don't get into the habit of doing what feels good instead of what is good for you"

and that Eleanor Roosevelt quote I mentioned before "Do one thing every day that scares you"

3. These things that scare you can be in any realm of life. I already mentioned sky diving, approaching women, dancing in public, singing in public areas but also

looking at passersby in the eyes and when you and someone else are looking at each other consciously not breaking eye contact first. Consciously count to three before breaking eye contact (harder than it sounds). Yeah, maybe you come across as a little eccentric (if that) to strangers but who cares? you will never meet them again and you just achieved your scary thing for the day!

3. Eye contact

 

[curiouscat]

Thank you Ka mate, that is really inspiring, especially the "Do one thing every day that scares you" idea that I chose to adopt as well.

As for the eye contact it is not a problem for me when I consciously try to hold it, the problem is that I never act on it, most of the time women hold eye contact with me for a fairly long time but I am not quite sure how to interpret it (like women adjusting their hair when they walk past me, is it just some automatic gesture when a male is around or a sign of attraction?)

This afternoon I while I was at a café I saw a cute brunette smiling at me and of course being as fxxked up as I am I did not act on it. A couple of minutes later some other dude went to her direction and approached her, I really felt some admiration, if only I had the freedom to act this way !

The reason I did not go and talk to her was that I did not want to embarrass myself in front of the lady sitting right next to her, when I think about it now it is so dumb ! what do I care about some stranger ?

Next weekend I will try to go to a club and see what happens but it really isn’t fun to go out by yourself.

It seems like my biggest block is the fear of what strangers might think of me (I am not talking about the women I am attracted to but people around) and I really don’t know how to deal with this.

I think that the most opportunities I have to meet women on a daily basis are on the subway but it appears to be really tough (in part because of my extreme shyness) any advice for that ?

Thank you

 

[ka_mate]

Okay, for the subway.

Remember this whole process is about building your comfort zone by steadily increasing it. Focus on achieving the following tasks.

1. Saying "Hi" and then exchanging brief small talk "How's it going" etc etc with a complete stranger. This doesn't have to be a long conversation and if they are grumpy/uncomminicative then that is fine but if they are keen to chat then keep on chatting. This person doesn't have to be a hot chick, hell, it doesn't have to even be a chick.

2. Get into the habit of this. Your conversations could be as simple as

You: Hi
Them: Hi
You: How's your day been?
Them: Yeah pretty busy yourself?
You: Yeah not too bad.

Basically just have a bit of a chat with them. To improve your chances of success you could initially start selecting people who look open to conversation to sit next to and to have a chat with.

The idea of this is that it's hard enought to approach a complete stranger let alone an attractive women who is a complete stranger. By approaching someone who isn't attractive you are building towards approaching women.

This is something I do myself in a slightly different context. At university, I have different class times with my friends and so sometimes at lunch I'm alone and after heating my food up in the microwaves I find a girl sitting alone looking bored and approach her.

Me: Do you mind if I sit here?
Her: No
Me: (insert any conversation starter here)

and then I just let it flow naturallyfrom there and ask questions and listen to what she says. I have a girlfriend at the moment and wouldn't cheat on her so I don't number close at the end. I simply have an enjoyable conversation with someone whose life is completely different to mine. These approaches help me feel comfortable approaching women and to practise this skill while still having a girlfriend.

If you use these approaches to not only practise but to listen to women and to gain a deeper understanding of their beliefs, values and attitudes then it can only be to your benefit.

 

[ka_mate]

Hey mate, just having a think about this and I thought something else I'd like to share with you.

This guy ET The Hiphop Preacher he has a great series of videos on youtube TGIM (Thank God it's Monday)

have a watch of this

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DriSmFYnUeo

 

[curiouscat]

Since My last post I have tried to approach women and the results have been so far quite disapointing, I approached two girls in a nightclub but they were really cold and I could not go past some boring small talk like «this place is small » and « where are you from? » after a couple of minutes, seeing that it went nowhere I left them.

The week after, during my lunch break I made a comment about the weather to a really hot chick I saw sitting on a bench, she was much more responsive but again, I did not know what to say after that and I just left.

Today I saw a gorgeous girl on the bus and I asked her a bulsh*t question just to talk to her? she replied yes and after that, same thing! I had no idea what to say!

I went to a nightclub again tonight (I am trying to do that every weekend even I have nobody to go with me) and I realized that I have no idea about how to approach women in those places, for starters I can't dance! And I refuse to be that guy who stand on the corner with his beer looking at other people, so I walked around, realized how pointless it was and got home.

I think my biggest problem is not fear (the few times I approached I didn't feel any anxiety whatsoever) but the fact that I lack the ability to improvize and « be in the moment » I just don't know how to get the conversation going in an interesting way.

The worst part is that it doesn't make any sense, I have a lot of personal stories, I have lived in many countries, I am naturally curious so I have a pretty big general knowledge

I don't want to give up and I won't but I really feel like my mind is sabotaging me, how can it be so easy for other people? I don't understand it.

I am really asking myself where do most the guys I see with women meet them. Is it clubs? And if yes what does it take? Is most of the action on the dancefloor as it seems? So if I can't dance am I screwed?

 

[headFirst]

Sometimes you just have to keep failing to get ahead. You can't judge your progress off of three attempts in three different settings. Just go with it.. Start viewing life like this.. No matter what the outcome of this conversation in 100 yrs none of this will matter for me anyway. Just think of how short life is and stop giving people control of your life. So what if the conversation doesn't go smoothly, so what if she's not attracted to you. Every mistake, every attempt is a learning step for the next.

You seem to be in a rush to find someone so badly you just expect the girls to fall in your lap. Honestly night clubs, lounges, bars.. all that BS is good if you are the type to take a girl home for one night (most of the time).. and even then you can't not of had sex for a long time and expect to be smooth about it(most of the time). And I don't think that's what you are looking for anyway.. Your best bet is meeting new friends, and let them introduce you to the girls.

You say you can't dance right? Join a salsa dancing club or something.. Go do some volunteer work. Most of all just try to meet some new people, get out a little more. I think you building a group of friends is best for you and then branch from that. Because it is probably a little odd a guy there by himself talking to girls, just seems a little off. In the sense when they ask you if you are there with anyone that is. You could just say you don;t know where they went lol or something, but eventually they may figure you out if you see them again.

 

[BigT]

Go through DJ Bootcamp. It's in the DJ Bible linked at the bottom of the page.

What city do you live in?

Hello,
I am writing this post because I want to believe I am not hopeless and maybe get some useful advice, here is my situation.

I am 33 years old and I am extremely shy (this shyness basically ruined my life) I have always had problems connecting with people, it was easier when I was younger but now it is just ridiculous, it is like if I was some kind of alien I just don’t understand people.

Of course my love life is non existant, my whole life I only had one girlfriend and it was about 12 years ago (I know, it is pretty pathetic).

The worst part about my situation is that I know I am quite good looking (I always get looks from women and in the past quite a few actually told me they found me attractive) I also don’t consider myself stupid yet no matter how bad I want it I cannot approach women.

Whenever I see a woman I want to approach I am completely frozen (even though I really want to talk to her) I guess what stops me is a combination of :

- Shame of having sexual desires and showing it
- Weirdly what other people might (I mean passersby, old lady sitting across etc… it makes no sense !)
- Most importantly, a strong physical sensation of being frozen, almost like a “Deer in Headlights” type feeling but I just cannot do anything else but to look away instead of looking at the headlights

The latter is the worst because even the times when the two first blocks are somewhat handled, this feeling is stronger than me and no matter how bad I am attracted to a woman, I cannot make a move, I guess I can call it “panic”.

Up until a month ago the only sexual release I could get was by watching porn and masturbating, but I got really tired of it and stopped it completely.

I thought it was a good idea but despite the fact that I am hornier than ever (wasn’t that horny since high school) I still cannot do much about it, I am still paralyzed when I see women I am attracted to and it just makes my life MISERABLE (especially now that it is spring and there is more and more woman wearing miniskirts etc outside…)

It is like my body / mind would not allow me to behave like a normal man and I just do not see a way out of it which is driving me crazy, I am sick of living this way. I know there is a huge part of the joy of being a human being that I have missed for so many years.

Has anybody here been in a similar situation? Any advice?

 

[Bossman90]

Look up aspergers. My friend has it and your description of yourself reminds me a lot, about him. He had to do a lot of reading to help him get better acquainted with dealing with other people. DO you have trouble with reading facial expressions and detecting humor?

 

[youngmack]

Look up aspergers. My friend has it and your description of yourself reminds me a lot, about him. He had to do a lot of reading to help him get better acquainted with dealing with other people. DO you have trouble with reading facial expressions and detecting humor?

Wow bossman90, this is the first time i've seen you post on a thread without saying something nastyand dumb like " put your Penis on a girls hand or something".... Finally bruh.

 

[SoSuave666]

Shame on you OP for demeaning your own manhood by saying only one girlfriend in 12 years is bad. That sh!t is money as long as you are gettin some one night stands. Girlfriends are nothing but trouble. Stay away from them until you are sure you found the right one.

Not sure what the rest of the post is about but good luck in your sarging. All I can say is you have to consciously make the decision to get out there and meet chicks. It's not going to be easy in the beginning, for anyone. Just walk up and say hello. It won't kill you.

 

[drak_ool]

Since My last post I have tried to approach women and the results have been so far quite disapointing

hold on brother, not so fast! a month ago you were complaining that the simple thought of opening a woman made you freeze with panic. Now, you've successfully opened multiple women and you're still complaining?

Look, you need to learn game one step at a time. The first step is getting over anxiety approach. Some theories say to just focus on this until you get around 100 approaches. This means don't worry about the follow up, simply get used to the act of approaching a girl you find interesting and saying "hi" to her.

Personally, I think you can incorporate this with learning some openers (look at all the different variations of "I have a question for you...", learn the Cube, the 5 lies game, etc...). This way, if the girl responds positievely, you have a leg to stand on.

After you've built that initial rapport, this is where your interesting stories about life and what not come into play. Anyway, at first it will all feel very hard and the results might not be great. But focus on developing one aspect at a time. First get rid of approach anxiety. Then tighten up your openers/initial rapport building. Finally, your closing skills. Nothing will happen overnight, yet you should keep a positive attitude and look at all the progress you've done, instead of lamenting how long the road ahead is.

Good luck!

 

[Zarky]

systematic desensitization. Start out talking to ugs, then talk to average looking chicks, then hotter chicks, all the way up. You don't go from 0 to 10 instantly.

 

[curiouscat]

Thanks for the advice, intellectually I know that I have to be patient and there is a long road ahead but the problem is the sexual frustration. It has reached ridiculous levels, it is just not natural for a 33 years old man to have had simply no intimate relations for more than 10 years (no one night stands, not kissing no nothing).

I also refuse to masturbate or watch pornbecause I think it would a huge waste of time and energy, that would just be instant gratification to feel even worst later. I also do a lot of sport but it doesn't help dissipating the frustration much.

Of course I have also tried to make friends before but the problem is that they all seem to be too busy with their own lives to hang out often with me. I only see my “closest”friend once every two months. I really don't know what is wrong with me but the one thing I want, a social life seems to be the hardest thing in the world. It seems so easy for everybody and so hard for me, the worst part is that I know I'm a fairly good looking guy, it's like if it was a cosmic joke on me.

Anyways, I will keep on trying to appraach. I really do think I have to try to approach in the subway but somehow I am still paralyzed by the idea of having people around looking at me approaching a girl. Yes, I am that messed up, I worry more about people around that actually talking to the girl !

Maybe my attitude towards life is the same I have when I listen to music, I pay too much attention to the lyrics and not enough attention to the melodies.

PS : to reply to youngmack no I really don't think I have aspergers, I am actually pretty good at reading facial expression and I can detect humor. I think my biggest problem is the fear of embarrassment or the fear of looking needy / inferior / weird. This fear takes over when dealing with people and makes me sometimes appear like an utterly boring person when I am the opposite inside.

 

[BigT]

The more you harp on your problems, the more you reinforce them. STOP COMPLAINING NOW. STOP DISCUSSING YOUR ANXIETIES NOW.

Take action this week. Be determined to take significant action EVERY WEEK, not just for one week or two.

Like I said, read and implement the DJ Bootcamp. Even after my earlier recommendation to do so, you still continue to talk about your problems. Read the DJ bootcamp and take action this week and continue to do so indefinitely until you are satisfied with your level of success.