I’m cheating on her at this moment

[Stanley]

What is 'right' and 'wrong' is up to the individual.

We can argue over the semantics of it, but ultimately it comes down to whatever moral compass that person has created. For some cheating may be immoral, for others not... Why argue over it? Everyone is entitled to feel a certain way... and to attempt to change someone's view on the matter is a waste of time an energy. Citing empiricism to rationalize a viewpoint doesn't mean that viewpoint is 'correct', it is simply your view point.

Facts are objective and opinions are subjective ideas held by individuals and so are always biased.

A fact is a true statement and that is not the same thing as a statement of truth. Facts lead to a specific point in time with a specific circumstance. Facts, numbers, studies or whatever form of empiricism you utilize changes with time, with more research, with changing viewpoints, with conflicting results and so on. Focusing solely on empirical data leads you to a narrow viewpoint and develops self limiting belief systems and reaffirms confirmation biases. Things are not so black and white.

I’d never cheated on a relationship before, but once I did, I was in pain and guilt. Continuing to cheat more didn’t resolve anything. It was selfish on my part. What this helped me realise is that I cheated due to my expectations not being met. Even when some of those expectations weren’t justified. My woman’s unavailability when I wanted to communicate, meet etc pissed me off because I didn’t trust her. The issue is, even when she hasn’t given me any real reason, and has just showered love on me. Ironically, I broke her trust due to my own trust issues.I’ve realised that it can hurt the person who betrays just like the person who got betrayed. This helps me understand that not everyone is inherently untrustworthy, and even someone breaks your trust, they would regret and feel guilt and pain, they will suffer. Maybe with the loss of someone who loved them, or in silence with the guilt/pain.

Mr.Darksprezzatura knows himself very well (clearly) and we can only project what we think is 'correct' from our frame of reference. A moral compass is the person's ability to judge what is right and wrong and act accordingly from their point of view. What defines that right or wrong comes down to the person. I think op views his actions as amoral.

@catsmeow2 I read the article and made a lengthy write up, but ended up canning it. I'm checking out of this, we've reached reddit levels of arguing here. I agree and disagree with many of the views expressed here in this thread, but have no inclination to 'fight' or oppose anyones views beyond this point.

I genuinely hope @darksprezzatura get's himself sorted and wish him well. We've all got our demons

 

[EyeBRollin]

The problem with interpreting these numbers at surface level is that anyone can literally make my own study that would go against your belief. The next problem is not understanding the limitations of each study, and generalizing them with the entire population.

Feel free to provide counter evidence.

In the case of OP- I am not a making moral argument. OP is cheating because he can. There is an high probability that the “other woman” is single. The woman is single because she has not settled with any of the other 20 dudes messaging her. Instead, she fancies OP. This happens every day between millions of people on a macro level. Women do not settle. They share the top men.

What myself and a few others in this thread such as @Pandora point out is that the expectation to reject biology only applies to men. Women’s entire mating strategy is primal yet no one bats an eye. It is just as much the fault of women that monogamy does not work. Neither women nor men are rejecting biological mating impulses.

 

[CBear]

Feel free to provide counter evidence.

In the case of OP- I am not a making moral argument. OP is cheating because he can. There is an high probability that the “other woman” is single. The woman is single because she has not settled with any of the other 20 dudes messaging her. Instead, she fancies OP. This happens every day between millions of people on a macro level. Women do not settle. They share the top men.

What myself and a few others in this thread such as @Pandora point out is that the expectation to reject biology only applies to men. Women’s entire mating strategy is primal yet no one bats an eye. It is just as much the fault of women that monogamy does not work. Neither women nor men are rejecting biological mating impulses.

I agree with you on plenty of things about this topic and I agree that generally, men are expected to reject their biology while many women don't, and it's extremely hypocritical. My personal belief is that accountability and self control is what makes myself powerful and it is very fulfilling to me, personally. I have seen many times what happens to people who follow and can't control their desires, men and women. And although it is nice at the moment, long term, it screws with then mentally and they usually they die miserable. That is just my experience, however. Most people don't get the privilege to see this until they, themselves, are living it.

That is why I hold my view that if you and the other person are fine with cheating on each other, go for it. But if one is deceiving another, man or woman, that is another story.

 

[darksprezzatura]

Personally I don’t want to cheat.

I want to break up with her.

I’ve expressed that many times, and in a way that’s civil and kind and we both stay in touch and get back together. This keeps repeating.

I feel like I am not taking a stand and acting weak and spineless because I love her (or so I feel). This is the reason why it has been so hard to let her go.

Ive suggested us being in an open relationship, which she is accepting but not happily I can see her discomfort knowing I’ll be sleeping with other people while she doesn’t want to.

Right now, I’m just taking my time to decide what I really want, where my life is going etc than worry about these moral issues.

I’ve learnt a lot from this relationship and consider the woman a gem for having the patience to deal with my immature man-childish behaviour.

The guilt gets amplified due to this, considering she’s helped me grow emotionally, sticking by.

I wish there was a way that I could make it up to her for the dishonesty I’ve exhibited.

It just seems to me, theres no recovery from cheating. The relationship is doomed. I should break up with her without confessing. Let her go without the scars and have the balls to move on.

I keep staying, hoping to find a way that we could still make this work.

 

[BeExcellent]

It is a direct response.

“There is a certain lack of intelligence to those who have no control over their primal side.”

Women have no control over their primal side.

That is ridiculous. Hell. I’ve been away from my man this weekend for an event. Made utterly zero effort to meet men, I’m a taken woman. High value men everywhere & several actively hit on me. This afternoon I did some shopping before heading to the airport. One of the shopkeepers comped me a glass of wine at a neighboring wine bar. I walk in & present my comp. A super handsome super charming man who I would otherwise have had very high interest in sat down next to me & chats me up. Cool, smooth, edgy, sexy, gorgeous. Also well off. Exactly my type. What do I do? I’m polite and conversational but I immediately begin talking about my fiancé. Despite this guy doing his level best to charm me, despite him requesting my number and gushing about my looks, my eyes etc etc etc. I was wearing my ring. I made it utterly clear I’m taken & that’s that. Nobody would know if I were to give this guy my contact, etc. I didn’t. That is the importance of character people.

There are women with character. I am one. I am not the only one.

Sheesh.

 

[darksprezzatura]

I broke up with her.

 

[darksprezzatura]

I actually felt that I was being taken for granted by her. I made the mistake to accommodate her at the expense of my focus on my own life and goals. Lesson learnt.

I feel letting her go without any emotional scars of my blunders is the way to go.

 

[darksprezzatura]

I obviously am going to feel alone and feel the full spectrum of my emotions now. I will manage it by focusing on my life and its growth.

 

[Stanley]

Genuinely, good on you man.

 

[darksprezzatura]

She came over, smashed my brains out, tried to resolve whatever is bothering me, asking me how she can make me happy etc.

 

[darksprezzatura]

I don’t know how to get her to amicably leave me alone

 

[EyeBRollin]

I don’t know how to get her to amicably leave me alone

Block.

 

[Dr.Suave]

She came over, smashed my brains out.

Maybe keep her as a plate?

 

[darksprezzatura]

Block.

That’s hard

 

[EyeBRollin]

That’s hard

It’s one button on your phone. Press it.

 

[BeExcellent]

Well. Here’s the good news. Now if you want you can just be honest with her right? You simply state that you are broken up, you are exploring other options up to and including sex.

So if she is still willing to fvck you under those circumstances? Perfect. That’s on her and you can go about your business with a guilt free conscious.

And if she throws a hissy fit? Fine. Hang up on her, block her or whatever.

 

[Barrister]

I broke up with her.

She was a source of conflict for you. Any "right vs. wrong" arguments aside, the less conflict you have in your life the better off you are. Don't try to do an "open" relationship with her. All that will happen is you will get sucked back in and wind up right back where you are now. You have made the right decision by breaking up with her.

If you find the temptation is there to invite her over to cure your loneliness, you should block her. Understand that your desire to cheat on her was stemming out of a certain lack you were feeling from the relationship. It clearly wasn't a good thing you had going on. In fact, I recommend you take some time away from dating and women in general and re-focus.

Good relationships are easy.