Humiliated field report! 1st date left early

[manfrombelow]

Hi brothers and sisters of SS,

So I just got home from a date, in which she initiated to leave early. She asked if I wanted to eat anything more because she wanted to leave because she was "tired".

During our short date, I didn't get to kino or touch or escalate physically, simply because I had no chance, and I didn't feel the vibe was "right". When she said she wanted to leave, I proposed we go to the cinema, which she declined. I also proposed to take her home, which she declined and said she wanted to leave on her own.

The only "hope" (sounds desperate I know) I got, was when she wanted to split the bill which I said this was on me, she said "OK next time's my treat".

Tl; dr version: 1st date left early, and I didn't get anything even just a kiss.

PS: This chick is my co-worker.

I feel kind of humiliated and defeated. Please give me something, anything. Thank you guys!

 

[EyeBRollin]

She wanted split the bill because she is not interested in you.

How long was the date before she wanted to leave?

 

[manfrombelow]

She wanted split the bill because she is not interested in you.

How long was the date before she wanted to leave?

Around 1 hour 30 minutes before she said she wanted to leave. When the waiter gave me the bill, she said something about splitting but she didn't insist any further with me covering the whole thing, only saying she'll pay next time.

 

[manfrombelow]

Update: she has just Whatsapped me saying "Thank you manfrombelow for the good meal" (it's not in English of course but this translation by me is correct), to which I repped "Goodnight, it was good seeing you today"

I have to be honest, even though I'm not a rookie in this game anymore, I still feel a bit humiliated and sad and defeated.

 

[EyeBRollin]

This is probably done. However, I would still hit her up in 5-9 days for a second date since “she is paying.”

 

[Plinco]

No big deal, move on. Lot of other opportunities out there

 

[oldmanofthesea]

Why are you being so hard on yourself man? You can't be ever girl's cup of tea, just like every girl won't be yours. Trust me, you will end up on dates with girls who you end up deciding never to call again because they turn you off for some reason.

The odd thing is her being your co-worker and this happening. While I don't think it's a good idea to date co-workers, let's put that aside for a moment to focus on the fact that this wasn't a swipe-app date..... this was someone who knows you, has seen you, seen how you look, talk and move. She should know you reasonably well by the time the date was setup - far more than a girl from a swipe app, setup, or cold approach, so something is going on here. Was there a moment in the date where you felt like things suddenly turned? How was the overall vibe and conversation at the start of the date and how did it evolve over time? Would you describe it as a bit boring? Platonic? Were there any periods of silence? Did you lead the conversation? What percentage of the time were you talking vs her? Did she seem in a great mood at the start of the date? Need more info to try to figure out what's going on here, but don't be so hard on yourself. Her deciding you weren't her type is not a reflection of you and your value!!

 

[Barrister]

Sometimes on a date the vibe just isn't there with a chick and/or vice versa. It has nothing to do with you or what you did/did not do. There is zero reason to let it affect your confidence. As we always say "on to the next."

You already know this though. If you are going through a more difficult time (dry spell, work sucking, family problems, etc.) these kind of things can get to you more easily. Just recognize that ultimately what happens with women on dates means nothing. There are always more women and more opportunities coming your way.

 

[manfrombelow]

Why are you being so hard on yourself man? You can't be ever girl's cup of tea, just like every girl won't be yours. Trust me, you will end up on dates with girls who you end up deciding never to call again because they turn you off for some reason.

The odd thing is her being your co-worker and this happening. While I don't think it's a good idea to date co-workers, let's put that aside for a moment to focus on the fact that this wasn't a swipe-app date..... this was someone who knows you, has seen you, seen how you look, talk and move. She should know you reasonably well by the time the date was setup - far more than a girl from a swipe app, setup, or cold approach, so something is going on here. Was there a moment in the date where you felt like things suddenly turned? How was the overall vibe and conversation at the start of the date and how did it evolve over time? Would you describe it as a bit boring? Platonic? Were there any periods of silence? Did you lead the conversation? What percentage of the time were you talking vs her? Did she seem in a great mood at the start of the date? Need more info to try to figure out what's going on here, but don't be so hard on yourself. Her deciding you weren't her type is not a reflection of you and your value!!

Thank you so much @oldmanofthesea for these kind words.

I believe I implemented well the principle of 80/20 in which I spoke only 20% and let her initiated the remaining 80%.

I would describe the vibe as platonic and non-sexual, like it lacked the sexual intense that 1st dates are supposed to have.

I asked this girl out because I instinctively knew she liked me to some degree. Actually I asked her out yesterday, which she immediately said yes.

 

[manfrombelow]

Sometimes on a date the vibe just isn't there with a chick and/or vice versa. It has nothing to do with you or what you did/did not do. There is zero reason to let it affect your confidence. As we always say "on to the next."

You already know this though. If you are going through a more difficult time (dry spell, work sucking, family problems, etc.) these kind of things can get to you more easily. Just recognize that ultimately what happens with women on dates means nothing. There are always more women and more opportunities coming your way.

Thank you brother.

 

[oldmanofthesea]

I believe I implemented well the principle of 80/20 in which I spoke only 20% and let her initiated the remaining 80%.

Ok unless you had a typo here - this isn't the 80/20 principle. You should be doing nearly all of the initiation, while she should be doing nearly all the talking. So she talks 80% of the time but you should be initiating 80-99% of the time - leading the conversation. Sometimes it is good to not fill in a lull in the conversation because it forces her to put some effort and it shows you are confident because you are totally fine to sit in silence without feeling the anxious need to fill in the silence with talking, but that is a powerful tool that should be done only once or twice or so during a single date. Generally you should be initiating the conversation and driving it.

Now that I've said this, can you expand more?

 

[manfrombelow]

Why are you being so hard on yourself man?

I needed to show my honest feelings with you guys here instead of trying to act tough. I had to be honest, is that correct?

And more importantly, this is the very first time a girl decided to leave early during 1st date with me. I have NEVER EVER experienced such a thing before, and it is drilling hard into my confidence, even though I know damn well these are just remporary feelings that will turn to dust eventually.

 

[manfrombelow]

Ok unless you had a typo here - this isn't the 80/20 principle. You should be doing nearly all of the initiation, while she should be doing nearly all the talking. So she talks 80% of the time but you should be initiating 80-99% of the time - leading the conversation. Sometimes it is good to not fill in a lull in the conversation because it forces her to put some effort and it shows you are confident because you are totally fine to sit in silence without feeling the anxious need to fill in the silence with talking, but that is a powerful tool that should be done only once or twice or so during a single date. Generally you should be initiating the conversation and driving it.

Now that I've said this, can you expand more?

There were more moments of silences than comparing with my past 1st date experiences.

Towards the end of the date (before she decided to leave), she was crossing her arms the entire time (we were sitting side-by-side as classic text books SS taught), was it her body language of showing she's having LOW interest level?

I managed to hold her hand when I said I knew how to read hand (an Asian thing about reading a person's future by looking at the texture in their palm), and that's it.

 

[Gamisch]

OP, maybe you over analyzing things. We tend to translate all female behavior as negative, while there is the possibility she was sincerely tired.

But let's say she did leave because of the vibe. That's why you shouldn't go out to eat with a woman during the first date , maybe not even on a second date. What the fell did she do to deserve being fed by you?? A simple walk , or maybe some drinks is more than enough. It gives both you and her the opportunity to leave at anytime without making things too awkward.

1,5 hour is more than enough time to get a good impression of someone. The only reason you feel "humiliated " is because you went panic mode and pushed for even more passive beta date time by suggesting the cinema. BORING. Eating and cinema are things you do AFTER she proofed to you she is worthy of it.

Dont be butthurt. Will ruin your chances with other female coworkers in the future, or connections from coworkers. Remain playful around her and ask her to treat you on a coffee . Low barrier both finally and practically.

 

[manfrombelow]

Ok unless you had a typo here - this isn't the 80/20 principle. You should be doing nearly all of the initiation, while she should be doing nearly all the talking.

This is what I meant: I "initiated" the topics and let her talk about them.

 

[oldmanofthesea]

There were more moments of silences than comparing with my past 1st date experiences.

Do you feel you did a good job keeping the conversation going and asking questions? Or did you often wait for her to fill in the silent pauses? Was she giving long answers and talking a lot during the start of the date?

 

[manfrombelow]

And this girl is not our typical Bimbo-Fvckdolls-Sweethearts, she doesn't have great tits or azzez, but she's smart, sharp, cool, elegant, has great sense of fashion, has graceful voice, you know this type of girls I'm describing right?

 

[manfrombelow]

Do you feel you did a good job keeping the conversation going and asking questions? Or did you often wait for her to fill in the silent pauses? Was she giving long answers and talking a lot during the start of the date?

I felt like I did a good job at keeping the flow of the conversation going and asking questions.

She's a journalist, so I got her engage in talking about a recent interview that she felt most proud of. And she sent me the link to the article while talking about it.

 

[oldmanofthesea]

Ok good then it sounds like you did a great job for your part of the date.

Do you have any other details or observations as to when/where the date might have gone sideways? Did it happen after something you said? Was it just a long slow ramp down from interest to disinterest without any defining moment or statement?

 

[Dr.Suave]

Sounds like she´s not a good macth for you. Be glad you picked up on it early