How would a DJ deal with this?

[foreverAFC]

do
not
get
married

 

[LiveYourDream]

Taking the wedding off the table isn't going to work unfortunately without causing so much pain to family and friends. Venue booked, invitation sent out and all are informed.

Only you can decide if you need to not marry her. Coming up with crap excuses that the venue is booked and invitations are sent or people will be disappointed, says a lot. They are not sane reasons to justify a marriage. Imagine you had a son and he was thinking of getting married, even though he knew it wasn't in his best interest, because the venue was booked and invitations were sent and he didn't want to disappoint you and others or have money lost with the cancellations. What would you want your son to do?

Canceling a wedding indeed comes with a mass of shock and upset, for the two of you, and all who know you. Don't deceive yourself, because so does divorce. There too, you will still have to let everyone know.

Postponing the pain of facing and speaking the truth, is only that, postponing.

It hurts like hell, to tell the woman you love that you are not going to marry her. Don't put your head in the sand. Telling your wife that you have to divorce her, hurts like hell too.

As far as family and friends go, anyone who truly cares about you, isn't attached to this woman or you being married to her, the way you might believe. They seem attached because they believe it's what you want with your life and its what makes you happy. That's all. If not marrying her is what you need to do, you'll be supported more than you could imagine. Getting married for fear of disappointing others (including your fiancé) is never a reason to get married. Those that really love you, would be disappointed if you used them as an excuse.

Calling off a wedding sucks and hurts like hell. Living a lie is worse.

 

[Reykhel]

Christ man. Do you communicate like this with her all the time? Sounds like way, way too much. When the communication is cut off of course you're going to freak out. Have some trust in your woman and let her be free for a few hours.

Her drinking issue is her issue; until it starts to affect YOU negatively, it shouldn't be a big deal. Don't overthink. And don't listen to these idiotic rejects here either telling you not to marry her because she got drunk one night, lol. I'm so flabbergasted by this forum sometimes.

Your ignorance is limitless and appalling.

"Her drinking issue is her issue; until it starts to affect YOU negatively, it shouldn't be a big deal. Don't overthink."

He's supposed to marry the girl. That will mean signing a contract with her. Possibly a mortgage. Possible kids. Living under the same roof. I think her habits and her vices are clearly potentially his issue too.

This is clearly a red flag. If you think that we as men should not pay attention to red flags with the women in our lives....with the women who we could potentially marry as in this case, I implore you to write a thread explaining exactly why we should ignore red flags when our sexual strategy is LTR game/girlfriend game. I'm all ears.

A few people are missing the point here. Some are saying hey it's no problem, she only goes out every few months and gets drunk and others possibly implying (understandably) that she's an alcoholic because of the way alcohol effects her negatively...

Personally, I'm not a fan of the label alcoholic. Some will say, you're alcoholic by the amount you drink and some will say you're alcoholic by the affect it has on you i.e. if it changes your personality. And some will say you're alcoholic if you're dependent on the stuff....

.....whatever..........labels can do more harm than good.

What I do know is that if you consume alcohol and you end up on the floor every time.......doing embarrassing things..............you have a choice.....you can continue in that fashion and think "well I'm not doing anyone any harm".....kind of like someone who jumps from a window and on his way down thinks to himself "so far, so good".......or you can take responsibility for the fact that consuming said liquid renders you on your back and decide that it's not the life for a responsible adult......

.....choice.

Either way, I know which one I would be concerned about. And I know which one I would trust more for taking responsibility for their life.

I completely get the OP's concerns and the reason he wrote this thread is because he has a gut feeling that something is not quite right.

 

[logicallefty]

OP, if you want to step into the world of being your own man, one of the first things you are going to have to do is quit giving a sh|t what others think. As several others have said here already, *postpone the wedding*. Take another year or so to get to know this woman a little better... If you do nothing else... If she really loves you, wants you, etc. , she will wait.. If not, there is your answer....

 

[Reykhel]

Zinc has some great advice in this thread. I too have fvcked a lot of taken women, to the point I wondered too who took that pic and why.

I have helped do some sneaky things to hide that I was fvking these girls, Some of them included red herring photos like this to take the subject away from cheating. I am not saying she did that here, but the photo just makes no sense to me in the whole context.

I also completely agree with logicallefty. I would strongly advise to postponing this wedding.

Another thought, how old are you and this woman?

Exactly. It seems odd that the photo would be sent to him....

Sometimes admitting a seemingly minor infraction is covering up a a dead body in murky
waters.

 

[LiveYourDream]

When I spoke to her I felt she knew she fvcked up and she kept on saying 'I love you so much'

These are the words of a woman who is not owning that she was the one passed out drunk on someone's floor last night, now looking to change her ways.

Repeating "I love you" is her way of asking/manipulating you to forget what happened and just love her back. It's her saying, 'Let's just forget and be happy. P..l..e..a..s..e...'

'P..l..e..a..s..e... pretend with me that the woman passed out drunk on the floor was not who I really am, or what I CHOSE to do.'

If you have doubt remember (sarcasm) alcohol MAKES her behave badly.

**update** She called a few times. So far I ignored her calls. She texted 'is this my punishment for last night'

Translation: "Why haven't YOU moved on already because I have? YOU are holding us back? Why are you still making an issue of this? Why can't we just be happy already?" "P..L..E..A..S..E.. just forget about about it and let's move on. It's in the past. Leave it in the past. Let's talk about happy things."

In case you missed it, to me it is subtly implied that her choices aren't the issue, you having a problem is what's bringing everyone down. (Wife material, really?)

At this point I'm not sure to call back and act detached as Cola suggested or tell her how it made me feel as others said.

She is your fiancé. I think you should be totally straight with her. I'd text "I'm disappointed in your choices. I need some time alone with myself to just reflect. I'll reach out within a week or so, when I feel more clear. Please respect my request for space and do not contact me in the meanwhile."

Then, do just that. Take time away from her and reflect. Reflect on her choices and her response to her own choices. Reflect on, "Is this really the behavior I want in a wife? The mother of my kids?

If I could impart only one thing here, it would be, do not marry someone expecting them to be any different, in any way, than they are right now. Who she is right now, is what you marry. There is not some improved version that comes later. (Usually the opposite, in fact.)

Finally, if she blows up your phone once you have asked for space that shows a lack of respect not caring. If her apologies get more dramatic because you are upset, they are just that. She is apologizing more because you are upset with her behavior, not because she is truly upset with her own behavior. There is a big difference.

The universe is giving you a huge wake-up call.

Edit: P.S. Spending time with her girlfriends should equate to lunches, shopping (minimal/window), getting nails done or doing each others, shared hobbies, hanging out at home together, chit chatting, not public drunkeness and whatever behavior goes with that, until she's passed out drunk on someone's floor.

 

[Bible_Belt]

White knight alert......stop posting your passive aggressive crap you little white knight *****. Too bad this isn't real life so no one can ***** slap ur little punk ass.

Where do you live and what do you weigh? I know every mma promoter in the Midwest. I'd even let you pick the rules...doesn't matter to me...mma, K1, Muay Thai, boxing...hell, submission grappling might be best for you, considering you can't dodge a drunk woman's punch. Picking fights and losing them seems to come naturally to you.

 

[BeExcellent]

I'd text "I'm disappointed in your choices. I need some time alone with myself to just reflect. I'll reach out within a week or so, when I feel more clear. Please respect my request for space and do not contact me in the meanwhile."

Then, do just that. Take time away from her and reflect. Reflect on her choices and her response to her own choices. Reflect on, "Is this really the behavior I want in a wife? The mother of my kids?

If I could impart only one thing here, it would be, do not marry someone expecting them to be any different, in any way, than they are right now. Who she is right now, is what you marry. There is not some improved version that comes later. (Usually the opposite, in fact.)

See above. Read. Re-read. Cannot over emphasize this enough. You think postponing the wedding is tough? Try getting divorced with kids when you understand finally that this is indeed what you got yourself into...when you are worried about how her bad choices are going to affect your minor innocent kids. You think it will be expensive now? Much worse later after you are legally bound. Right now its just money and other people's opinions (which as @logicallefty said you cannot give a shlt about that.)

Edit: P.S. Spending time with her girlfriends should equate to lunches, shopping (minimal/window), getting nails done or doing each others, shared hobbies, hanging out at home together, chit chatting, not public drunkeness and whatever behavior goes with that, until she's passed out drunk on someone's floor.

That is what girlfriends do together. See above. They don't go troll for guys in clubs and get shltfaced.

Do not be one of these men who gets 15 years into an unhappy marriage and knows that it was a mistake BEFORE it happened. I'm shocked at how many men like that I run into. It's awful.

 

[LiveYourDream]

Her character is her character. You can postpone the wedding for a year or two, but do NOT kid yourself and expect her character to change at all. She is a woman who made a promise to you in December and CHOSE to blow it up three months later in March. That was not an accident. That is her character.

Some people stand by their word. Many these days have no idea what that even means. She is definitely not one whose word is meaningful to her. If she doesn't value it, you sure better not expect to count on it, ever. You don't suddenly teach other adults to value their word. They either do or they don't. This woman doesn't.

(Before anyone bothers to comeback and say most (or all) women can't be trusted, let me reframe and say, it's the behavior of the one he's intending to be his wife, that matters.)

 

[Reykhel]

Women communicate covertly.

Telling her how you feel is a waste of time. It's overt communication.

I'd read The Rational Male if I were you.

I'd echo the same as what others have said: do not marry her just to appease family. Stupidity.

Loz man, with respect, the Rational Male is not "The book of every answer"...

There comes a point when the white elephant in the room needs to be addressed.

 

[Red_Hat]

Some asked about the photo. Her friend called last night just after they changed clubs to tell me all was good and she was a lil drunk. I then told her to call or text me when they got home. It's her friend who took the pic of my fiancé on the floor passed out with the text 'we're home safe and T**** is totally passed out... She'll call you when she wakes up..."

She's 31 and I'm 35.

 

[zinc4]

Where do you live and what do you weigh? I know every mma promoter in the Midwest. I'd even let you pick the rules...doesn't matter to me...mma, K1, Muay Thai, boxing...hell, submission grappling might be best for you, considering you can't dodge a drunk woman's punch. Picking fights and losing them seems to come naturally to you.

Provoking others on the net and being a little passive aggressive ***** seems to come naturally to you.

No wonder.....you are the typical wanna be cage fighter unleashing your insecurities onto others.

Only a complete moron would travel or take the time out to go meet a stranger over the net to fight.

You need to stop ruining threads on here with your little passive aggressive wanna be cage fighter white knight behavior. Doubt you subtly provoke others in real life like you do on this board.

 

[zinc4]

OP....my brother, who wouldn't listen to anyone by the way, is currently paying child support for two kids with a woman who cheated on him multiple times after getting drunk at clubs with the girls before sayi g her feelings changed and is now out to take everything he's ever had and ruin his life.

His situation started out much like your's with an underlying g alcoholism problem and inability to control her urges to go clubbing g once every few months.

You can't force a round object into a square hole.

 

[Bible_Belt]

Only a complete moron would travel or take the time out to go meet a stranger over the net to fight.

Oh, it's not a fight. It's a friendly competition, completely legal and sanctioned by the respective state. Didn't you say you're in Atlanta? I know people in Kentucky. That's not too far from me. Believe it or not, the promoter I know there actually really likes grudge matches. He does them all the time; they're crowd-pleasers.

Anyway, think about it....consider it an open invitation.

 

[zinc4]

Oh, it's not a fight. It's a friendly competition, completely legal and sanctioned by the respective state. Didn't you say you're in Atlanta? I know people in Kentucky. That's not too far from me. Believe it or not, the promoter I know there actually really likes grudge matches. He does them all the time; they're crowd-pleasers.

Anyway, think about it....consider it an open invitation.

Yes, i currently live in Atlanta. And I could care less about a grudge match.

The only way I'd consider something like this if there was enough money involved for me to make it worth my time.

You presume to know what my abilities are and arent based on me being wasted and letting a girl's punch land.

Name the amount of money involved to make it even worth considering in the first place.

 

[kenpiffyjr]

Lol! You guys!

 

[logicallefty]

@zinc4 @Bible_Belt please take your fight discussion to PM or Anything Else. Thank you.

 

[salinechow]

Can't believe people are advising OP to play games like it's just some girl he's casually banging.

That will just treat the symptoms.

The root problem will remain.

Like I said, you can take the girl out of the bar but not the bar out of the girl.

It's a saying they use for bar prostitutes in southeast Asia and chumps that marry them.

The same rule however, applies here.

Trust me OP, you can't magicallg change this girl into a high quality woman.

If u try to do so, your life will be miserable for a while.

I was merely trying to offer advice, from, as I sometimes try to do, a different angle.
There is no way this guy is equipped, nor should he, at the advice of us, reconsider his engagement based on this thread.
Although, the advice given here, is incredibly sound, im sure there are a million other reasons to break up with her and/or love her.
Yes, I believe he should reevaluate his position and consideration of his marriage to her, based on this infraction, yet, I just do not think it would happen. Im just being real. Sh!t, people around here dont listen to us when we tell them to ask a girl out at the gym they have been eyeball stalking for 4 months. We expect this OP to break up and cancel a wedding? Come on.

He came here for advice about a situation...So that's what I did, I tried to give him advice on THIS situation.

Yeah. Yeah. Woman play games, men do not...Right, I got it. But, when you have only one weapon in your arsenal, sometimes you bring cannons to archy matches, and catch an arrow to the heart while you light a fuse.

I think you all, and I concur, gave good advice to postpone at least the nuptials....However, if not....At least I gave him some advice that he can use otherwise. Something substantial to select from. Pretty easy to say to someone to throw away his fiancee while you have your hand down your pants playing withyourself in your lacrosse shorts and then move on to the next post that you can just say. "F^ck, lay, next, gym,work, rinse, repeat. Sometimes life is more than that though. Sometimes we need a scalpel instead of a shotgun.

Again, I think you all have some truth in what you offer as your take on the situation. Again, I realize passive/aggressive games are a more feminine realm and usually stupid an ineffective. Yet, sometimes, beating a woman at their own game is exactly how to win back the frame and gain compliance so that you can lead the relationship well going forward. Sometimes, the alpha tactics can backfire and have a girl dig in with her sh!tests and misbehavior. She gets attention from it, even if its negative.

In THIS (HIS) situation, like I said, given the REAL choices he will GIVE HIMSELF( in my perception) my offer of advice is of value.

Or, just hit her in the face with a pie next time and make her wear a sandwich board that says she did bad things.

 

[Trump]

Thanks guys. I appreciate the response. Taking the wedding off the table isn't going to work unfortunately without causing so much pain to family and friends. Venue booked, invitation sent out and all are informed.
I'm open to see things in perspective from all angles.

OK bro, when you say: "I am marrying my fiance in a few months and need advice on how to deal with her drinking problem, but whatever you advice you give me, I am going to marry her anyway."

You are asking us to give you advice, but telling us only give you the advice you want to hear. It's a little suspicious.

 

[Slash Dolo]

Your ignorance is limitless and appalling.

"Her drinking issue is her issue; until it starts to affect YOU negatively, it shouldn't be a big deal. Don't overthink."

He's supposed to marry the girl. That will mean signing a contract with her. Possibly a mortgage. Possible kids. Living under the same roof. I think her habits and her vices are clearly potentially his issue too.

This is clearly a red flag. If you think that we as men should not pay attention to red flags with the women in our lives....with the women who we could potentially marry as in this case, I implore you to write a thread explaining exactly why we should ignore red flags when our sexual strategy is LTR game/girlfriend game. I'm all ears.

A few people are missing the point here. Some are saying hey it's no problem, she only goes out every few months and gets drunk and others possibly implying (understandably) that she's an alcoholic because of the way alcohol effects her negatively...

Personally, I'm not a fan of the label alcoholic. Some will say, you're alcoholic by the amount you drink and some will say you're alcoholic by the affect it has on you i.e. if it changes your personality. And some will say you're alcoholic if you're dependent on the stuff....

.....whatever..........labels can do more harm than good.

What I do know is that if you consume alcohol and you end up on the floor every time.......doing embarrassing things..............you have a choice.....you can continue in that fashion and think "well I'm not doing anyone any harm".....kind of like someone who jumps from a window and on his way down thinks to himself "so far, so good".......or you can take responsibility for the fact that consuming said liquid renders you on your back and decide that it's not the life for a responsible adult......

.....choice.

Either way, I know which one I would be concerned about. And I know which one I would trust more for taking responsibility for their life.

I completely get the OP's concerns and the reason he wrote this thread is because he has a gut feeling that something is not quite right.

Ignorance? Ignorance is strangers on an online forum trying to talk OP out of not marrying his fiance because she went out with friends and got drunk and didn't text him back for a few hours. Holy sh*t. You sound like controlling, over-emotional p*ssies with trust issues. The butthurt is astounding.

Marriage is not my (and others on here) cup of tea but give the guy advice that's realistic. We are supposed to empower each other here, not be misogynistic tw*ts. I'm listening to 'Out of Touch' by Hall & Oates right now; too fitting for this thread in particular.

My advice to OP? LogicalLefty's post (EDIT: and Cola's, for a little more detail on the matter) is all that needs to be said about the issue to OP.