How to proceed after a ONS?

[DJNiceGuy]

Hey fellas, so my -ex finally broke up with me. Bummed about it, then found a new girl in a club (22 years old) and managed to bring her back to my place for a one night stand. Felt pretty good about it. We even talked later over coffee and it seems like we have some real chemistry! Only problem is, she lives in a different state 6 hours away. She was visiting friends. She told me I was really cool, and she thought we had a lot in common, and to stay in touch. So I called her 4 days later, talked to her for 5 minutes, but she had to go. She said she would call me back later. She never called, and it's been 4 more days since then.

Now this is my first one night stand, and I really thought one would have a great chance after having sex, but it doesn't seem like she's that enthused given that she didn't call me back. I know it seems odd to try to make a ONS into a girlfriend, but we really did have awesome conversation along with being physically attracted to one another. She even said "I can imagine waking up next ot you every day" and "You're so gorgeous" as were having sex.

I'm wondering if she thinks of me as "The One Night Stand Guy" or has an extreme anti-slut defense kicked up. But I even read a book she had recommended and talked to her on the phone about it. I mean if that doesn't show I'm looking for more than just sex, I don't know what will.

Is it the distance? Or the fact that I'm 5 years older? I still want to try calling again. But I'm trying to figure out what to say. I could be straight up and tell her I think we have a lot in common and we could try to make it work, but I don't want to make an ass out of myself if that's against the "rules". I thought I'd just make it fun on the phone- fun and flirty. But that didn't work. Maybe I should be more direct? Not trying to stress her out lol.

Any thoughts on how one could proceed? Thanks!

 

[SoldMySoul]

I can help you on this!!!! First, long distance relationships do not work!! Been there and realized it first hand. Second, maybe you were a one night stand. Enjoy it for what it was. Had some of those too and they were okay in my younger days, but I want something a little safer now. Third and finally, stop worrying about her as you seemed to have developed feelings rather quickly and do not waste your time trying to establish something that will wreck you. Sure if she comes around and in town and wants to hook up, by all means. Just my opinion and learned the hard way LDR are a complete waste of valuable time and can ruin you and drive you crazy.

 

[DJNiceGuy]

yeah I was in a short long distance relationship, and you're right about it being a waste of time in that instance. i hear ya... i know some ppl who have made it work, but by and large, it does seem like a waste of time. I really wish i would stop developing feeling so quickly.

 

[SoldMySoul]

I have a twin brother that made his work. She lives 450 miles away. He moved in with her and it has turned out amazingly well. She is good to him and he has a sweet deal with her. That is an exception to the general rule though my friend. LDR can work, but somebody has to close the big a$$ gap in distance and time.

You are still young, enjoy all that life has to offer.

 

[LeftyLoosey]

I'm wondering if she thinks of me as "The One Night Stand Guy" or has an extreme anti-slut defense kicked up. But I even read a book she had recommended and talked to her on the phone about it. I mean if that doesn't show I'm looking for more than just sex, I don't know what will.

She thinks of you as the "creepy stalker desperate guy."

 

[Jitterbug]

Keep in touch only so that you have a place to crash at and a somewhat guaranteed poon to have if you visit her state. I have a few of those.

Forget about a real relationship.

 

[DJNiceGuy]

She thinks of you as the "creepy stalker desperate guy."

Yeah that's what I was little worried about. But we had sex already! I would accept that she may feel that way if I was just a guy who got her phone number at the club. You could be right though.

 

[DJNiceGuy]

Keep in touch only so that you have a place to crash at and a somewhat guaranteed poon to have if you visit her state. I have a few of those.

Forget about a real relationship.

Yeah, that's probably wise. I need to go out and find more girls. that's really the only cure for the oneitis that keeps hitting me. I got another phone number last night. Going to call it now. Ugh, wish me luck guys.

 

[DJNiceGuy]

Wow, that was a much needed slap in the face. Thank you DonS. You are right. My ****ing neediness gets me in these desperate states. Yeah there's a good chance I blew it with this one. I dated a chick older than me for almost a year, and it's pretty apparent that the rules are completely different with a younger girl. I will definitely not be contacting her again. If she wants to contact me, great. I really need to get into the mindset of someone with multiple options even if I don't have those options yet.

As far as the username, believe me, I'm trying to get out of my "nice guy" ways. This is to signify a Nice Guy turned Don Juan (getting there hopefully). Maybe I'll change it to BadassMofo when I feel like I'm there haha.

 

[boomerick]

A ONS is just that - ONE NIGHT! It's not a relationship! It's a pump and dump. A sport screw. A good memory. MOVE ON! Re-read what DonS wrote. Then read it again. Then read the DJ Bible or Pook or something. If you just broke up spend some time single working on yourself. Living your life. Be a 'me' for a while before you become a 'we' again. Over and out.


(Edit: got this in just after the OPs response)

 

[squirrels]

6 hours!?

Facebook her or something. Then forget about her and go out and date some other girls. If she comes back into town, hang out with her again and see where it goes. If not...hey, you got some.

 

[sharkbeat]

Any thoughts on how one could proceed? Thanks!

How to proceed? The best move I think you could make right now is not to proceed. She is not calling you back, that means for whatever reason she's no longer choosing you. Try calling her again, see if she picks up the phone. Do what you want to her, that still won't change her mind at all. My current 'gf' is having her ex contact her all the time saying things like "what can I do to fix our relationship? I can do everything for our future." and all of that stuff, but her response is just she wants him to go away. She's just not feeling it.

 

[DJNiceGuy]

How to proceed? The best move I think you could make right now is not to proceed. She is not calling you back, that means for whatever reason she's no longer choosing you. Try calling her again, see if she picks up the phone. Do what you want to her, that still won't change her mind at all. My current 'gf' is having her ex contact her all the time saying things like "what can I do to fix our relationship? I can do everything for our future." and all of that stuff, but her response is just she wants him to go away. She's just not feeling it.

I agree. I thought about it and realized that there is nothing more I can say on the phone to convey "value". I can't show her that I'm fun over the phone. I've already showed as much as I can. She knows what I'm about, and there is nothing more I can say that would convince her of that. She's either interested or not, and clearly she's not. I feel good atleast that I arrived at the conclusion in a relatively short amount of time rather than obssessing for weeks.

 

[dante25]

I have had many ONS over the past year and a half and have actually noticed a lot of them say things like your's did "I could see myself waking up to you each day" ect... After my experiences, my theory is that they are trying to make themselves feel better about what they are doing and since you are a ONS that they will probably never see again they can let their guard down and feel "romantic" about the situation.

I would just occasionaly send her a casual message and try to hook up again when she comes back to town. ONS very rarely can lead to a real long lasting relationship. One of you will always have a hang up over how things started.

 

[DJNiceGuy]

I have had many ONS over the past year and a half and have actually noticed a lot of them say things like your's did "I could see myself waking up to you each day" ect... After my experiences, my theory is that they are trying to make themselves feel better about what they are doing and since you are a ONS that they will probably never see again they can let their guard down and feel "romantic" about the situation.

I would just occasionaly send her a casual message and try to hook up again when she comes back to town. ONS very rarely can lead to a real long lasting relationship. One of you will always have a hang up over how things started.

Thanks, I think you're right in their motivations when they say things like that. Time to get onto the next ONS .

 

[logic1]

Well, first off it must have been bad sex to her. If you would have given her the best sex of her life she would be blowing up your phone.

It was a ONS. Forget about it. On to greener pastures. It was a learning experience.

 

[DJNiceGuy]

Well, first off it must have been bad sex to her. If you would have given her the best sex of her life she would be blowing up your phone.

It was a ONS. Forget about it. On to greener pastures. It was a learning experience.

This is possible. It definitely was not a shining performance from me. Call it nerves, alcohol, whatever. Though I was trying not to focus on that. I was hoping she'd give me another shot at it.

 

[dante25]

Be the cool guy and only contact her every great once in a while with a funny text or random thought. You very well may get yourself set up for a second opportunity for fun.

Right now she is embarrassed that it happened and has ruled you out as a boyfriend potential, but she has already been with you and next time she is in town you may have an option since it already happened before and you proved yourself to not be a stalker or clingy. How a girls mind works.... "I've already hooked up with him so it's really not wrong if I do it again"

Ha ha ha, I'm terrible with dating but great with ONSs....even though I'm at the point in my life where I don't really want that.

 

[Da Realist]

Just take it as a good experience and leave it as that. She's too far away to try to really date, so let her go.