How to Not Dwell on Past Failures and Instead Focus on Successes?

[CheekyMonkey101]

Hi.

I've noticed that I often dwell on past failures (first date or club rejections or when relationships fizzle out) and I seem to have a habit of letting it define me/ruin my confidence, whereas I seem to overlook past successes.

A couple of years ago I went on about eight first dates in a row that didn't lead to second ones and that really impacted my confidence at the time. In later dates I then hit a purple patch where I kept either getting laid and then eventually a relationship out of one, but it was the failed dates before that really stuck with me and I even think of them now.

This summer was similar where at the start of it I seemed to be getting lots of success with all first dates leading to me getting laid and more (including when I went out to clubs/bar), whereas towards the end of the summer nearly all of my dates just seemed to be complete duds (with some success sprinkled in). However, it was the failed ones that seemed to again stick in my head.

What advice would you give for not letting past failures get to me and negatively impacting my overall confidence/self-esteem and instead focus on past success?

 

[AmsterdamAssassin]

Stop fearing failure and notice that all your success started with overcoming your fear of failure.

 

[The Duke]

They are not failures, they are opportunities to learn and improve. Your mindset needs to change. I apply this to every area of my life....competition, business, and women.

You always learn more from your failures than you do your successes anyways.

There was a time when I first started dating and I was pretty clueless. Most of my dates didn't go very far. Overtime I improved myself and learned from those interactions. I learned a lot from SS. Now, its almost guaranteed that if I get a girl to agree to a first date that there will be more dates.

 

[Alvafe]

if you focus on only success then you will learn nothing, people need to understand this, to get good at anything you will fail a lot, learn from it and move on

 

[CheekyMonkey101]

if you focus on only success then you will learn nothing, people need to understand this, to get good at anything you will fail a lot, learn from it and move on

That's true. I've certainly learned a lot from recent experiences. Failures can certainly be a blessing.

 

[TheGambino]

Level up.

 

[BackInTheGame78]

Firstly, failure only happens when you give up.

Any time things don't go the way you want them to or expect them to there are lessons in there to learn and valuable feedback to take and use to propel you to future success.

The better you are at figuring out what that feedback is and then utilizing it in future interactions determines how quickly you will start succeeding instead of finding ways that don't work.

 

[EyeOnThePrize]

Hi.

I've noticed that I often dwell on past failures (first date or club rejections or when relationships fizzle out) and I seem to have a habit of letting it define me/ruin my confidence, whereas I seem to overlook past successes.

A couple of years ago I went on about eight first dates in a row that didn't lead to second ones and that really impacted my confidence at the time. In later dates I then hit a purple patch where I kept either getting laid and then eventually a relationship out of one, but it was the failed dates before that really stuck with me and I even think of them now.

This summer was similar where at the start of it I seemed to be getting lots of success with all first dates leading to me getting laid and more (including when I went out to clubs/bar), whereas towards the end of the summer nearly all of my dates just seemed to be complete duds (with some success sprinkled in). However, it was the failed ones that seemed to again stick in my head.

What advice would you give for not letting past failures get to me and negatively impacting my overall confidence/self-esteem and instead focus on past success?

When it doesn't work out, let it go with gratitude. It's simple incompatibility and saving you precious time and energy.

When a woman leaves and you feel that somehow takes away from you, you're telling the universe you believe in her decision that you're not worth it more than in your own belief that you're hot shiit.

The only way to fix this is to actually become hot shiit. Go work out or hone a skill to mastery, until you are proud af. The confidence from that mastery will naturally ooze our into other areas of your life.

The skill can even be something simple and directly applicable to dating like sociability. Part time sales or waiting tables or running clubs at a local space or just hitting up tons of interesting events will make you suave in no time, because the opportunities to chat and charm will be endless.

Internalize the abundance mindset or the king frame. You have everything you need and will get everything you want in time. Either she'll come back or you'll find someone better, win win.

Build up that core confidence and tend to it constantly. The challenges you overcome in your personal life should make anything a woman does seem like peanuts in comparison.

Do you think I care if a woman leaves me when every morning I feel every muscle in my body tearing to failure from an hour or two gym session? The answer is I could not give a fuuck. I'm hot and charming regardless of what she does. I will continue to shred and grind myself down doing things that are way more painful than anything she could ever do. She'll only spur me to grow even more.

I love women and want certain ones in my life, but if they want to leave why would I ever stop them or let it get me down? I'll draw the lessons from the experience and own up to my actions and their consequences, then move on to the next challenge.

Failures are the best fuel for growth. Commit to evolve every time and you will have more woman than you know what to do with.

You're the most complex and adaptable creature on this planet, don't forget that.

 

[Vanderdonck]

Anything can be a win depending on how you view it. I'm echoing what others have said better but it's a matter of perspective and attitude.

 

[Vending Machine Veteran]

Validation is for women...and they're never happy

Men take what they're given and make the most out of it

Take pride in being a man. Lift weights, fix things, talk down to women

It's your birthright

The day you start caring what a woman thinks, is the day you start losing her

Sometimes I'm a d@ck to my woman, just because I haven't been in a while. You have to keep them on their toes.

You might think I'm mean for it, but if you do, you still have a lot to learn.

Women are like bratty children. You have to show them you're the boss occasionally

 

[Vending Machine Veteran]

Hi.

I've noticed that I often dwell on past failures (first date or club rejections or when relationships fizzle out) and I seem to have a habit of letting it define me/ruin my confidence, whereas I seem to overlook past successes.

A couple of years ago I went on about eight first dates in a row that didn't lead to second ones and that really impacted my confidence at the time. In later dates I then hit a purple patch where I kept either getting laid and then eventually a relationship out of one, but it was the failed dates before that really stuck with me and I even think of them now.

This summer was similar where at the start of it I seemed to be getting lots of success with all first dates leading to me getting laid and more (including when I went out to clubs/bar), whereas towards the end of the summer nearly all of my dates just seemed to be complete duds (with some success sprinkled in). However, it was the failed ones that seemed to again stick in my head.

What advice would you give for not letting past failures get to me and negatively impacting my overall confidence/self-esteem and instead focus on past success?

Stream ahead, full blast.

Past failures are like past success. Gone

Who gives a fvck?

Getting laid is nice, but it's not the end of life.

Be better. It's up to you to find out what better is

For me, it's reading and being lazy sometimes

You have to decide what's important to you. It's your life, after all

 

[Scaramouche]

Hi Cheeky,
Better to fly and fall,than never fly at all!

 

[taiyuu_otoko]

You always learn more from your failures than you do your successes anyways.

This is why the phrase, "The Obstacle Is The Way," has been a standard stoic recommendation for thousands of years.

@CheekyMonkey101 Review what happened. Write down what you could have done differently to get a better result. Then force your mind on that imagined better result.

Mental focus is just like physical exercise. There's no trick to it, it just requires dedicated practice.

 

[CheekyMonkey101]

Thanks for all the wisdom and responses. I really appreciate the advice.

 

[Serenity]

I would want to add one more thing. After you have learned from your most recent failure, let it go and look to the future instead, inspired about how you will do better the next chance you get.

This also includes not dwelling on past positive experiences, beyond recognizing what went right so you can apply it again in the future. Past positive experience can be just as much of a trap as past negative experience, dwelling on it might lead to inaction and prevent taking the step to create more experience.

In short, be very careful about dwelling on the past or you might become a hostage to it. Take what you can learn from it and move on as efficiently as possible.

Improving the overall past requires making wiser decisions right now and even wiser in the future as you keep making the inevitable mistakes and learning from it.