How to get rid of an obsessed girl?

[cordoncordon]

One...you think/over analyze too much. You drive yourself crazy with this thought process that you have, and you have done it since the day I saw you posting on the boards. I am all for deep thought and being inquisitive about the world, but you take it to an obsessive/compulsive level. Just RELAX.

Two...you complain about her all the time, but the fact is, you must like being with her because it really isn't that hard to NOT see someone. You simply tell them you don't want to see them anymore. The end.

Three...I think you feel as though you could do better than a 36 year old former floozy with a drug habit. And you are right....you can.

Move on. Or don't. But stop with the over thinking. It is killing you.

 

[Slickster]

One...you think/over analyze too much. You drive yourself crazy with this thought process that you have, and you have done it since the day I saw you posting on the boards. I am all for deep thought and being inquisitive about the world, but you take it to an obsessive/compulsive level. Just RELAX.

Two...you complain about her all the time, but the fact is, you must like being with her because it really isn't that hard to NOT see someone. You simply tell them you don't want to see them anymore. The end.

Three...I think you feel as though you could do better than a 36 year old former floozy with a drug habit. And you are right....you can.

Move on. Or don't. But stop with the over thinking. It is killing you.

I'll second that!

The reason I've been encouraging you to continue on with this chick squirrels, is because I really think you are making some changes right now. I can sense it in your words.

The idea of planning to give up the "game" for 6-9 months or even having a "starter girlfriend" seems too contrived. Just go with the flow man! If you are having fun hanging out together just enjoy yourselves. Forget about age, the past, or any ideas that are holding you back in your mind. Just let go!

Who cares if feelings get involved. Relationships start and end and everyone carries on just fine.

You shouldn't take yourself so seriously. If you are having fun, keep going. Nothing is permanent and you can't plan or expect to know what is going to happen 6 months down the road or even tomorrow.

So just go for it with this chick. Like cordon says "you must like her". I agree and as long as she's making you happy enjoy it for what it is.

 

[Die Hard]

Just go with the flow man! If you are having fun hanging out together just enjoy yourselves. Just let go!

Who cares if feelings get involved. Relationships start and end and everyone carries on just fine. You shouldn't take yourself so seriously. If you are having fun, keep going. Nothing is permanent.

Slickster, imagine you'd give the same advice to a guy who got sucked deep into the vortex of a BPD chick... "Dude, who cares if feelings get involved? Just enjoy your time with her!'' On the surface, this advice makes sense, but we all know it's totally disconnected from the reality of things!

The same applies in Squirrel's situation and your advice to him. One could tell him to just let go and just go with the flow, but his situation is a bit more delicate than that! You might as well tell someone on a plain who has fear of flying: "Just relax and enjoy the view from that window next to you, sir!"

Slick, you ever heard of commitment styles? Children who develop a secure commitment style (I'm pretty sure this is the case with you, having read most of your posting history ) won't have that much trouble dealing with situations like the one Squirrels is in. However, I'm pretty sure Squirrels developed an insecure commitment style as a child and it affects his current situation in a way that you've probably never experienced...

I don't mean this the wrong way, I know you have the best intentions. But I think your advice is totally disconnected from Squirrels' reality... I also feel Squirrel's mind is already in a vulnerable position at the moment and encouraging him to dive in at the deep end with this woman might not be too healthy for his mind. There's a certain element of projection in the following statement of his:

I guess I'm just really afraid of when the "other foot is going to drop". She's honestly fine right now. But the amount of chaos in her past back home...there's no way she's as "normal" as she pretends to be, and I'm just waiting for her to explode into total insanity.

Tell me if I'm wrong, Squirrels. I feel it's not just her insanity you're afraid of... At the very least, you're also afraid of how her level of sanity will influence your level of sanity once you've become too atached to her...

Tread carefully, Squirrels.

By the way, if this was any other thread, all the forum veterans would uniformally agree that developing feelings for a woman with these red flags, is a cardinal mistake.

 

[Slickster]

Slickster, imagine you'd give the same advice to a guy who got sucked deep into the vortex of a BPD chick... "Dude, who cares if feelings get involved? Just enjoy your time with her!'' On the surface, this advice makes sense, but we all know it's totally disconnected from the reality of things!

Sorry I don't buy into the whole "poor me and my BPD chick problems" bit. Bad things happen to people every single minute of every single day. Breakups and bad relationships suck, get over it. Don't let the past destroy your chances of happiness now.

The same applies in Squirrel's situation and your advice to him. One could tell him to just let go and just go with the flow, but his situation is a bit more delicate than that! You might as well tell someone on a plain who has fear of flying: "Just relax and enjoy the view from that window next to you, sir!"

Nor do I believe Squirrels is some sort of delicate little flower. Your advice seems to come from a position of weakness or fear of getting hurt. Squirrels is a big boy.

Slick, you ever heard of commitment styles? Children who develop a secure commitment style (I'm pretty sure this is the case with you, having read most of your posting history ) won't have that much trouble dealing with situations like the one Squirrels is in. However, I'm pretty sure Squirrels developed an insecure commitment style as a child and it affects his current situation in a way that you've probably never experienced...

Neither of us "really" knows Squirrels so I think this is "reaching" a bit too deep maybe. If he has commitment issues then actually committing to something should help him. It's not like he's marrying this girl. Learning to put yourself out there and be ok with getting hurt is something you need to do if you ever want to really experience love.

I'm not saying this chick is someone Squirrels should go crazy over or fall in love withd. I'm just telling him not to worry and analyze too much. Why does a relationship in this early stage have to be so bloody serious? It doesn't matter if she has different ideas. He's not being forced to put a ring on her finger.

I don't mean this the wrong way, I know you have the best intentions. But I think your advice is totally disconnected from Squirrels' reality... I also feel Squirrel's mind is already in a vulnerable position at the moment and encouraging him to dive in at the deep end with this woman might not be too healthy for his mind. There's a certain element of projection in the following statement of his:



Tell me if I'm wrong, Squirrels. I feel it's not just her insanity you're afraid of... At the very least, you're also afraid of how her level of sanity will influence your level of sanity once you've become too atached to her...

Tread carefully, Squirrels.

Once again you seem to have Squirrels all "figured out" and somehow he is this helpless and weak individual who needs to hide away be so careful. I guess that is your take and you are entitled but I see Squirrels as someone who is pretty experienced and aware.

By the way, if this was any other thread, all the forum veterans would uniformally agree that developing feelings for a woman with these red flags, is a cardinal mistake.

Not really sure what the heck this even means. Every veteran poster here is free to comment. Whatever their opinions the only thing that matters is whether Squirrels is happy.

Life is too short to be d!cking around worrying, overanalyzing, and being afraid of getting hurt all the time.

Squirrels if you are having fun just go for it. If it ends it ends. Move on and try again.

 

[Atom Smasher]

Squirrels, it looks to me like you are under the spell of a BPD woman. You've seen the BPD threads. Don't you think that this is the case with her?

I'll bet you're walking around right now in darkness everywhere you go. Your heart is heavy and you're not sure why.

I believe that you are caught in a BPD vortex. Your entire perception is skewed. My advice is to get out NOW. Cut all ties immediately. She's sucking out your spirit and causing you way too much pain. Just look at the stuff you wrote last page. She's draining you dry, dude. Open up the escape hatch and get out. Perspective will soon return.

 

[DMSR76]

Squirrels,

I lost track of the exact post, but I think you mentioned that this chick is 35 (or 36)? That alone is a big enough flag to warrant not taking this chick seriously.

Of course she's gonna lay it on thick. Her time is running out.

 

[Buddha_Mind]

It all just sounds so intense! Man I'm telling you from a very painful recent experience, pull away! You don't want a woman creating such drama and struggle in your life!

 

[bamp]

not to sound like an ass...ok wait i really dont care if i sound like an ass...why don't you just tell her to go get crazy w/ someone else? If there are issues that don't sit well with you why don't you just tear off the bandaid and move on?

 

[squirrels]

Squirrels, it looks to me like you are under the spell of a BPD woman. You've seen the BPD threads. Don't you think that this is the case with her?

I'll bet you're walking around right now in darkness everywhere you go. Your heart is heavy and you're not sure why.

I believe that you are caught in a BPD vortex. Your entire perception is skewed. My advice is to get out NOW. Cut all ties immediately. She's sucking out your spirit and causing you way too much pain. Just look at the stuff you wrote last page. She's draining you dry, dude. Open up the escape hatch and get out. Perspective will soon return.

I think you're right.

I did...I broke it off with her last night/this morning. She came over yesterday and we were flirting/doing our thing, and I told her something that was somewhat insensitive...knowing what she said about her sexual fantasies I thought it'd go over better. It didn't.

Her solution was to down a whole bottle of Ciroc and flip out.

Then suddenly...it turns around. She wants to "love me forever" again. She had apparently convinced herself that everything I TRIED to tell her, every time I tried to break up with her, ALL of it was just me being intentionally hurtful to try to test the depths of her affection.

I didn't fully understand that until last night...that's how she deals with it when we don't get along...she flips out, drinks, then convinces herself that that kind of abuse, that "pushing her away" is indicative of me really loving her as much as she loves me. We went out to the restaurant and she starts with the "I love you" crap again...I told her I cared about her too, but I didn't love her in the way that she loved me...that I was trying, but I didn't feel it. Which was the TRUTH...I was TRYING to reach that point with her.

Which was my own stupid mistake. I always tell people on this forum that you can't force something if it's not right. But she had me thinking *I* was the "crazy" one and that I should TRY to open myself up to her...so I TRIED. But no matter how much I cared about her, I could not get past the fact that I just DIDN'T FEEL THAT WAY FOR HER.

So one minute she's in tears...the next she's back on top of me acting like nothing ever happened. This morning, she wants to pretend it's all OK again...and I told her nothing had changed. She spent the next two hours trying to convince me that I was "wrong" about us and that I should reconsider and "don't do this".

I told her I cared for her, and that she needed some help, and even pulled out the Good Will Hunting, "It's not your fault" line. At some point...I just realized that I wasn't equipped to deal with her and that I was probably just making it worse for her by trying.

Of course she says, "If you cared about me you wouldn't say it's over".

I think you might be right...I may have been dealing with BPD here, or at least something in that Cluster-B range. She was never crazy like, give me a hard time crazy, and that threw me off. I honestly thought she had it together...but last night I saw her for what she really was and what she was REALLY doing...and I just have had enough.

That was honestly one of the most difficult things I've ever had to do. I'm starting to see how effed up the whole situation was, and I just wish there was SOMETHING I could've done. But I can't save her.

I just hope she doesn't drive off a bridge or something. :woo:

 

[Buddha_Mind]

You did the right thing and that was not easy. If you don't care about her the same way, you did the right thing letting her go. She will be in a lot of pain, likely.

Squirrels, you have enough skills and knowledge to find a woman you truly LIKE and ENJOY and WANT, who wants you in the same ways. You have no problems getting women -- you just have problems finding certain ones being worth your investment of time/emotion, etc.

And even though you are 31, you act as though your life is over. You've got likely another 31+ years ahead of you -- you're not even half way (and I'm 26) -- you will meet MANY other people yet in life, and there is no telling what you may find.

 

[squirrels]

I swear it's like that Adam Sandler movie, "50 First Dates", where every time the girl goes to sleep she wakes up and forgets everything.

She called me like 6 times tonight, and then she leaves me a message, "What, I guess I'm not important enough for you to answer your phone??"

What, I guess you have COMPLETELY FORGOTTEN that we are DONE??

I'm not answering. **** that girl.

 

[Sue Madre]

I swear it's like that Adam Sandler movie, "50 First Dates", where every time the girl goes to sleep she wakes up and forgets everything.

She called me like 6 times tonight, and then she leaves me a message, "What, I guess I'm not important enough for you to answer your phone??"

What, I guess you have COMPLETELY FORGOTTEN that we are DONE??

I'm not answering. **** that girl.

Good job getting rid of the psycho. I can hook you up with my girls hot friend. I've been with her for a year now and ZERO drama. I must be in heaven.

 

[squirrels]

I think this is my first experience with a full-on crazy girl. I've dated a bunch of girls, but most of them have been pretty level-headed about romance...maybe some were more emotional than others. But this one...wow. I can't believe I actually let her get into my head and convince me that *I* might have been effed up.

Damned Internet dating sites. I should've known there's a reason a woman that good-looking is on that website. In fact, I should've known after the first date when she split on me unexpectedly that she was bad news.

I'm too open-minded.

 

[Atom Smasher]

Expect her to depart from reality on a regular basis. She's going to be hard to shake.

She will act perfectly normal and will make you think all the bad stuff was just a dream. And then Blammo...she will once again dish out the crazy, just when you think that you were over-thinking her irrational behavior.

That's the yo-yo effect that I try to help guys avoid, having been there myself.

 

[Sue Madre]

I think this is my first experience with a full-on crazy girl. I've dated a bunch of girls, but most of them have been pretty level-headed about romance...maybe some were more emotional than others. But this one...wow. I can't believe I actually let her get into my head and convince me that *I* might have been effed up.

Damned Internet dating sites. I should've known there's a reason a woman that good-looking is on that website. In fact, I should've known after the first date when she split on me unexpectedly that she was bad news.

I'm too open-minded.

Pic? I would like to see what she looks like.

 

[Slickster]

Love makes people do some pretty crazy things. Sounds like she has fallen head over heels for you.

I guess that's a byproduct of being so damn awesome!

It makes me wonder where you two would be if she just played things cool and didn't go over the top like she did?

Glad you made the decision that makes you happy.....

 

[squirrels]

Love makes people do some pretty crazy things. Sounds like she has fallen head over heels for you.

I guess that's a byproduct of being so damn awesome!

It makes me wonder where you two would be if she just played things cool and didn't go over the top like she did?

Glad you made the decision that makes you happy.....

I don't think she's capable of just "playing things cool"...if she was, we wouldn't have this issue.

I have never seen someone distort reality the way she does. I tell her it's "over", and she wakes up the next day and wants to pretend I never said it. She's been texting me today asking if she can come over. I told her, "absolutely not". I mean, I never saw her alternate between the two extremes like that...the obsessive attraction and the emotional distress. And not just moving back and forth, but like a lightswitch...one minute she's in love with me and wants to be with me forever...the next she's crying over how "hurtful" I am, then the next minute she switches back after she rationalizes it in her head..."he hurts me because he loves me...he's just testing me" and acts like it never happened.

I attribute it to her parents being absolute A-holes. The only way she could rationalize the neglect in her head is to believe that her parents ignored her to test her and make her stronger because they loved her.

I've never sat down and read about Borderline Personality Disorder until now...this is almost classic...and it's scary because if you're "normal" and not used to dealing with it, they will get inside YOUR head and make you believe YOU are the crazy one.

I mean...the girl has a tenuous grasp on reality...and I can sense her internal monologue desperate to break out, but she's repressing it over a tragic fear of abandonment. She's willing to do ANYTHING I want to do, even if she HATES it, JUST to keep me from leaving her.

I mean, this is almost dissociative...she is adjusting how she perceives her reality to avoid dealing with what really goes on. I mean, we all call girls "crazy", and I'm sure there are many, many women crazier than her. But the fact that she shows the ability to distort reality to something more compatible with her...that is the first time I've ever seen true "crazy" in a human being, no matter how mild it may be.

It's a disquieting experience.

 

[Die Hard]

Well, congratz on getting past this "situation". Hope you keep us updated on the next one, I always like your stories

 

[wisp]

This is what I did.
I went and found a new girl, banged her, and told my old gf all about it.

 

[blessed]

obsessive side chick

Hello guys i just have a few ?? about a little situation im in
about 7 months ago i started talking to this girl thats not my girlfriend
cause i felt i needed some emotional comfort cause things where not going
so good at home well long story short me and this other girl started having
sexual intercours ''unprotected'' yeah i know so about 1-2 weeks in she starts
telling me she loves me and she want's to have my child witch threw up red flags in my head right so ignoring what she said and proceding with sex SMH a few months go bye and then she hits me with it IM PREG so anyway i told her we shouldnt keep it and she got rid of it witch is somthing i not proud to talk about but i made my peace with god and i hope he forgives me.
Now here is the the problem she knows i have a girl and that im not leaving her but she still wants me to keep her around and threatins me with stuff like ill tell people about us and wants to show people pics of the ultrsound before the abortion witch i think is crazy and iv'e been trying to get away slowly but she wont let me be so what i was thinking is just tell my girl before word gets out and she finds out on her own and just deal with the consequences but im scared to loose what i have over this little fling cause we have over a decade invested what do you think i should do? any suggestions would be much appreciated thanks. ps sorry for writing so much and excuse my spelling