How to get rid of an obsessed girl?

[squirrels]

OK...need advice.

I've been seeing this girl who's obsessed with me. I mean, she gives me this crap like, "I've dated hundreds of guys and you're the only one in 12 years who I've even been into".

She's a very pretty woman, and she's very clever...quick-thinking and witty. She's even self-sufficient...runs her own business. Plus she f**ks like a champ and is infinitely generous.

The red flags (found out a lot of this over time):

- She's an alcoholic...at least I'm convinced she is. Once she starts drinking, she can't stop. Sometimes she forgets what she did the previous night. I'm convinced it's because she's so neurotically insecure that she can't act "normal" without drinking.

- She's a BIG conspiracy theorist...I mean she believes in crap that would make DrDeee take two steps back. UFO abductions and sh!t.

- Baggage...vague allusions to drug use, rape, etc in her past. Honestly, I think she's just one of these girls who went through life not being able to see how every guy she meets wants to f**k her, and that's why she ends up accepting invites to come out and get trashed even when they're just set-ups. She doesn't do anything crazy like break down and cry during sex or anything...in that regard she handles it well, but I think it's oozing out every crack in her psyche it can find.

I wrote her a long E-mail yesterday...told her basically that I care about her a lot, but she needs to get her head together, and I thought we shouldn't see each other any more.

She calls me up in tears, telling me she doesn't understand and begging to see me Friday like we had planned. She's telling me that she thought I was rotating girls 9-deep in and out of my house and even though she wanted to be #10, she hated herself for it, and that's why she's acting goofy. (I'm not rotating 9 women...I'd be lucky if I could get back up to 2 or 3)

I didn't even realize I had that kind of power over women. This kind of sh*t makes me just not want to date any more.

I know now I shouldn't have even answered the phone, but put in that position, I caved. I told her she could come over Friday.

I don't like this situation at all...I'm hoping to find some way Friday to let her down gently...I just don't know if she'll take "no" for an answer. I already told her if she comes over, no drinking, no f**king, and no sleeping-over. Maybe I'll get lucky and she will shut ME down in the face of those terms. But probably not.

I can't figure out a way to do this without breaking this girl's heart. I honestly believe that she deserves a chance at redemption...but I can't save her. But I don't want to blow her off and have her go crazy and drink herself into a coma or jump off a bridge or something.

Some of my friends are telling me I'm nuts for even talking to her. Others think I'm "not so perfect yourself" and think I ought to ride it out and learn from it.

I dunno any more...I just want to be rid of her, in the least-painful way possible for her. I can take emotional pain.

Thoughts?

 

[Stagger Lee]

I don't know but if you really want to get rid of a girl and make her think it is her idea so she doesn't feel hurt, maybe go AFC on her lol. It just sounds like to me what you are doing now telling her you want to break up and that she needs to shape up is only amping her attraction. Usually acting AFC, as insecure loser with women, or "misogynist" will kill attraction with any girl. If that doesn't do it, then maybe you just got a keeper lol.

On the other hand, if you can put up with her and want to keep hitting it at least ocassionally, these relationships almost always end sooner than later anyway.

 

[5string]

Yikes squirrels!

What's done is done brother. You invited her over on Friday.

The choices as I see them are:

1)Strike NOW. Send her another email today and tell her you thought about it alot and don't think it's wise to get together again.
2)Let her come over but stick to your guns and tell her it's over. You know she'll go all boo hoo on you, offer up some poon and otherwise tell you she'll do anything to please you (which is hard to resist).
3)Keep your distance and keep hitting it.

Personally, I'd choose option 1.

 

[women haze]

*bows to you* teach me the ways man......Teach me the ways I can't get a girl to care that much!!!!!

I think acting AFc is too late for him Stagger, She is into him deeply even willing to be #10 on his list.

He has a keeper, but to be honest if you are not feeling her like that there is nothing you can do but be blunt!!! be brutally honest no sugar coating you are a wonderful girl bla blabla soft stuff.

You got to say Why it won't work out and why you two are not compatable and you CANNOT CRACK....once you crack you are done. You are giving her hope...

You need to drop her and Fade to black

 

[squirrels]

Yikes squirrels!

What's done is done brother. You invited her over on Friday.

The choices as I see them are:

1)Strike NOW. Send her another email today and tell her you thought about it alot and don't think it's wise to get together again.
2)Let her come over but stick to your guns and tell her it's over. You know she'll go all boo hoo on you, offer up some poon and otherwise tell you she'll do anything to please you (which is hard to resist).
3)Keep your distance and keep hitting it.

Personally, I'd choose option 1.

I tried Option 1...called her back last night and said I didn't think it was a good idea. She kept interrupting me saying she couldn't even believe we were having that conversation, that she thought I was taking this too seriously.

That kind of rolled me back on my heels...because I DO have a habit of taking things too seriously or reading too far into stuff. I doubted myself for a second and couldn't stick to my guns. I couldn't drop the hammer, so I'm trying to back her off slowly.

This is one of those spots where it helps to have other women for perspective.

Thus the "no sex" ultimatum. It's worked for me before. I was dating a girl for a LONG time who eventually just put me in a corner and said, "I can't have sex with a guy I'm not exclusive with...it's tearing me up inside". So I told her, "fine, I don't want to hurt you, so let's stop having sex". 5 minutes later, she calls me back PISSED OFF and tells me we're done.

I'm strong enough to make that decision.

 

[Slickster]

Wow squirrels this chick sounds exactly like the girl I was screwing around with before I met my wife. Crazy as sh!t but really fun and she kinda started to grow on me.

Remember that scene from the movie Wedding Crashers where Vince Vaughn meets with the family priest?

Wedding Crashers scene

The part where Vince says something like, "Let's be honest here, this chick is fit for a straight jacket, but I dig it. It turns me on. Maybe I'm a little fcukin' crazy too! Maybe that's what it takes to make a connection with somebody."

I remember feeling the exact same way about that chick. I can't give you much advice here but I can tell you that I still think about that girl and the possibilities sometimes.

 

[squirrels]

Wow squirrels this chick sounds exactly like the girl I was screwing around with before I met my wife. Crazy as sh!t but really fun and she kinda started to grow on me.

Remember that scene from the movie Wedding Crashers where Vince Vaughn meets with the family priest?

Wedding Crashers scene

The part where Vince says something like, "Let's be honest here, this chick is fit for a straight jacket, but I dig it. It turns me on. Maybe I'm a little fcukin' crazy too! Maybe that's what it takes to make a connection with somebody."

I remember feeling the exact same way about that chick. I can't give you much advice here but I can tell you that I still think about that girl and the possibilities sometimes.

If I was born a woman, I would probably be just like her.

And that makes me glad I'm a man. :rockon:

I'd like to think if I can drag myself out of the hole I've been clawing my way out of for the last 10 years, then she can too. But I can tell she's not even STARTED, and I don't even know if she knows there's a problem with how she's living. Either way, *I* can't save her.

And I'm afraid that's exactly what she wants from me...some kind of salvation that I can't give her.

My mind is not working correctly. Don't give me excuses to rationalize my way past the "red flags".

 

[The_411]

Well,

Continue to hit it but get very busy or just tell her that she's gonna be wasting time with you hen she cvould meet someone who wants to be with her.

Suffice to say both these bits of advice will likely make her crazier for you ...

so uber AFC is about the only way to go ...

 

[DMSR76]

Wow. You might need to frisk her if you see her again. She sounds like the type that cuts herself on occasion....

 

[Scaramouche]

Dear Squirrels,
Yeah the Alcohol bit would faze me,The way out Conspiracy theories?....Naah,to the inquiring mind,it lends a bit of interest to a hum drum world.....Sir Hugh Dowding who masterminded the Battle of Britain believed in Fairies,Conan Doyle was a Spiritualist,Crooke,one of the finest Chemical Scientists the Western World has produced,experimented with materialising people from the ether....Coming back to your latest heart throb,If you are serious about giving her the Flick,then No contact is the only way....You know the score Squirrels.

 

[Johnnyventana]

See any and all BPD threads for answers. And those of you with the BPDs who are all like what should I do? Do the above.

 

[KarmaSutra]

Squirrels, you lost your nuts when you gave her an option over a decision you made.

You can't have it both ways. To be the braggard of clearly deceptive, and overtly fvcked up, broad and want to be rid of said fvcked up chick.

You have to learn which battles to fight, which to strategize for another day.

Clearly, this one is one to lose. But the life experience you get from this more than makes up for the loss of anal she'd readily give up for your attention.

 

[Slickster]

If I was born a woman, I would probably be just like her.

And that makes me glad I'm a man. :rockon:

I'd like to think if I can drag myself out of the hole I've been clawing my way out of for the last 10 years, then she can too. But I can tell she's not even STARTED, and I don't even know if she knows there's a problem with how she's living. Either way, *I* can't save her.

And I'm afraid that's exactly what she wants from me...some kind of salvation that I can't give her.

My mind is not working correctly. Don't give me excuses to rationalize my way past the "red flags".

Hahaha, interesting....

Other than the alcoholism I'm not sure what to think about those red flags you listed.

Believing in conspiracy theories isn't really a fault unless you let it totally control your life. If not it just makes for a quirky personality. You could have a lot of fun with that one.

As for the baggage, don't we all have some? Any stuff that happened in the past is the past. It's what makes us who we are. Unless she is still doing drugs I could look past that.

Rape??? Wow, how do you get on to that topic? Are you sure about that or just speculation? I know a couple girls who were "attacked" and guys tried to have sex with them but they got away. In both cases these chicks were so fvcked up over it they couldn't have normal sex lives afterwards. Doesn't sound like the case here but I guess only you would know.

Anyhow squirrels not trying to make excuses for you to look past the red flags just giving an outside perspective. Only you know what and who is going to make you happy.

Good luck with this one a keep us posted.

 

[boomerick]

Sq---

HPD or BPD.....

She seems to fit the bill.....

You'll know it when you catch her "red handed" cheating on you / stealing from you / having you arrested for battery that she committed on you / screaming at you to leave / begging you to stay / accusing you constantly of cheating on her....

AND...

You some how are so deep in her gaslighting fog that you blame yourself for all of it......

AND....

Desperately want her back.....

Procede with CAUTION....or....

Just dump her and move on to better less "it's complicated" chicks....

Batsh!t CRAZY !!!!!!!!!!

Over and Out.

 

[iqqi]

She sounds like fun.

 

[iqqi]

And you sound like a drama queen.

Exactly what BPD's feed off of, drama. You are like a dream feed supply for drama, if you have already broken up with her.

Your whole "we shouldn't see each other any more" thing could have been avoided or handled a little less explosively. I believe the typical thing to do is to back away, slowly, when you aren't interested. To just completely officially cut something off with someone who might be crazy is just asking, or begging, for trouble.

I'll tell you what though. If you want to get out of a boring rut, then get involved with a bat**** crazy hot chick. Also learn to play an instrument and sing. After it all, you might become famous with an album full of songs about bat**** crazy women, and you'll owe me 5% of sales, and all life experiences are just a bonus.

 

[squirrels]

And you sound like a drama queen.

Exactly what BPD's feed off of, drama. You are like a dream feed supply for drama, if you have already broken up with her.

Your whole "we shouldn't see each other any more" thing could have been avoided or handled a little less explosively. I believe the typical thing to do is to back away, slowly, when you aren't interested. To just completely officially cut something off with someone who might be crazy is just asking, or begging, for trouble.

I'll tell you what though. If you want to get out of a boring rut, then get involved with a bat**** crazy hot chick. Also learn to play an instrument and sing. After it all, you might become famous with an album full of songs about bat**** crazy women, and you'll owe me 5% of sales, and all life experiences are just a bonus.

No, but I may hire you as a romance advisor, because in this case I think you're spot-on.

This is probably what DieHard meant when he advised me to "allow myself to be weak". I've completely shut drama out of my life to the point that when a little bit of it DOES manage to get through, I just go full-retard.

I didn't notice it before, but I think you may be right. I don't know if she's CONSCIOUSLY doing it, but she is pushing all the right buttons to keep me flipping out, like milking a drama-cow, throwing enough sex into the mix to get my chemistry all out-of-whack. And just feeding off of it.

You're also right about "backing away slowly". I'm trying too hard to nuke the whole thing, and she's using that to her advantage, accusing me of over-reacting. And then sucking my d**k. If I just slowly drift out of touch, that's probably the best way. In fact, if I hadn't called/IM'd her again, there's a very good chance she'd just disappear. My own need for "closure" just keeps bringing her back around.

She loves thinking I've got 3 other women on-call and that she's competing with them. She loves when I write her long break-up notes so she can have an excuse to go to tears at a party in front of her friends showing them how dramatic her life is. She loves when I flip out about her begging me to let her have another drink.

She loves every minute, and I'm just feeding it...and feeding it...

And here I am worrying about ME taking too much advantage of HER. :crazy:

Like I said, this is where I need those two other women in the rotation to give me perspective. This is what happens when you're surrounded by AFCs and trying to dive back into the "dating game" after YEARS of not giving a f**k.

Good call.

 

[Knight's Cross]

BPD's have a knack at what I used to call,"Isolating their target". If they can achieve this, you lose your frame of reference. You don't remember what normal behavior is, because you are really just interacting with her, and not other women. I made that AFC move once, had a whacked out chick in my life and little to compare her to. That's why spinning plates is so important. It's as good as having a standby airspeed and attitude indicator in the ****pit. If your primary instruments are telling you something that looks wrong you compare it to the standby gauges.
The alcoholism should be the tipping point in this equation. That's usually rooted in something else.
Face it, you allowed this women into your life. Grow a pair and kick her out. She'll leave if you tell her goodbye and go no contact.
The next step for you is determining why you continued to have a relationship with someone that's unhealthy.
KC

 

[squirrels]

The next step for you is determining why you continued to have a relationship with someone that's unhealthy.
KC

I'm not in a "relationship". I don't play House.

And if you want to know "why", I'll show you the video sometime.

At least now I know if I have to get away, I can just "drift" and I'll probably be OK. I'm also getting a few more girls on the hook for perspective...and we'll see how it goes. There's a good chance I'm over-reacting here. To be honest, she waits for me to call her, she isn't like bugging me all-hours of the day, so I can decide my own level of involvement. Doubt it'll go forever, but like I said, she's content to compete now.

 

[5string]

Update please.