how to get my ex gf back

[SchoolBoy]

basically it does follow the same principles as your technique Igetit!
It's all about re-attracting the her. I'm throwing in some psycology 101 in here. With the instant reconnect technique you are able to trigger things in the ex's subconcious mind allowing her to feel the closeness you once had. Causing her to somewhat miss that "closeness" you once had.

Give it a shot, I can't guarantee you anything, as nothing in life is a guarantee. But this worked for me. And I hope it works for you too.

 

[Weezy]

basically it does follow the same principles as your technique Igetit!
It's all about re-attracting the her. I'm throwing in some psycology 101 in here. With the instant reconnect technique you are able to trigger things in the ex's subconcious mind allowing her to feel the closeness you once had. Causing her to somewhat miss that "closeness" you once had.

Give it a shot, I can't guarantee you anything, as nothing in life is a guarantee. But this worked for me. And I hope it works for you too.

I think it works good in theory. However, I can see some issues:

1. If they did the dumping, and you do first contact, it puts you in a weaker position from the start and I think they will automatically assume you want to get back together just by you suggesting coffee.
2. If they already have a new branch, also another huge hurdle to jump.

I'm tempted to put it to the test though.

 

[SBW]

Well guys, I'm watching this thread with interest as after three good weeks, my preferred lady flaked on me again on Sunday. Schoolboy/Igetit!'s advice looks most interesting to me - Thanks.

The very next day however, she was texting me asking how I was/if I was OK, which I ignored. She has done this at some point every day since and I have said absolutely nothing in response.

Then late at night, she sent me a long message telling me how she still felt very close to me but that her "feelings" had not changed since we met again. Which is complete rubbish as they have clearly changed and changed back several times in the last few months.

So yesterday, I met her very briefly after work, said nothing other than pleasantaries and declined her invitation to come-in for coffee but let her read a short reply where I accepted her reasons, thanked her for her honesty and wished her well. I didn't ask, let alone plead for any sort of further contact. The reason I didn't send it was simply because I had longsince promised myself that I'd never send anything like that to anyone ever again after it actually worked but led to more bad times with someone else a long time ago.

Since then, I've kept contact to the absolute bare minimum. Only briefly confirming arrangements for her boy's birthday this weekend - I had agreed to drive him and his three pals from her parents some distance away, to where they are going to have a party meal. He loves being out in my car and whatever goes-on between his mother and I, he's a nice kid and I'm going to honour any promises I've made to him/the grandparents.

In the meantime, she has also sent me her current hours for work and clearly still wants me to meet her after - Something I had done when I could, as she works on one of the most dangerous streets in this country for attacks and in the last year has been robbed, attacked and collected a stalker who needed police intervention to scare-off.

This party and the sleepover (although I don't intend to stay) after will be the next time I intend to see her for any length of time (if at all) and I'm wondering how to proceed with her then? Any tips/suggestions?

 

[SchoolBoy]

Well guys, I'm watching this thread with interest as after three good weeks, my preferred lady flaked on me again on Sunday. Schoolboy/Igetit!'s advice looks most interesting to me - Thanks.

The very next day however, she was texting me asking how I was/if I was OK, which I ignored. She has done this at some point every day since and I have said absolutely nothing in response.

Then late at night, she sent me a long message telling me how she still felt very close to me but that her "feelings" had not changed since we met again. Which is complete rubbish as they have clearly changed and changed back several times in the last few months.

So yesterday, I met her very briefly after work, said nothing other than pleasantaries and declined her invitation to come-in for coffee but let her read a short reply where I accepted her reasons, thanked her for her honesty and wished her well. I didn't ask, let alone plead for any sort of further contact. The reason I didn't send it was simply because I had longsince promised myself that I'd never send anything like that to anyone ever again after it actually worked but led to more bad times with someone else a long time ago.

Since then, I've kept contact to the absolute bare minimum. Only briefly confirming arrangements for her boy's birthday this weekend - I had agreed to drive him and his three pals from her parents some distance away, to where they are going to have a party meal. He loves being out in my car and whatever goes-on between his mother and I, he's a nice kid and I'm going to honour any promises I've made to him/the grandparents.

In the meantime, she has also sent me her current hours for work and clearly still wants me to meet her after - Something I had done when I could, as she works on one of the most dangerous streets in this country for attacks and in the last year has been robbed, attacked and collected a stalker who needed police intervention to scare-off.

This party and the sleepover (although I don't intend to stay) after will be the next time I intend to see her for any length of time (if at all) and I'm wondering how to proceed with her then? Any tips/suggestions?

Please provide more details on your relationship with this girl. You started your post saying she flaked on you again on Sunday, but haven't provided enough past information for us to understand what's going on.

Also provide what you hope to achieve in this situation.

 

[SBW]

Please provide more details on your relationship with this girl.

Also provide what you hope to achieve in this situation.

Gulp!

OK - Briefly!

I got to know this woman a few years back in the wake of my last disaster of an LTR. She was a close friend of my ex-fiancee's family and although she was a bit of a ***** to me (ex didn't have a good history with men) in the early days, she did confess to my ex that she found me rather hot and I'll admit the feeling was mutual but I remained loyal. Anyway we got to know each other better after my fiancee had a severe breakdown that ended our relationship and about two years later, had a short and very passionate affair that ended with no further contact because she couldn't get herself out of the wholly unsatisfactory relationship she was in at the time.

Skip forward a few more years to about six months ago and I'm now sorted, with all the baggage and financial issues from that relationship resolved and living a pleasant but slightly boring life with some good friends and not very much by way of relationships or action. Dated a few women that went nowhere and the odd ONS. Typical boring AFC I suppose, I'd pretty-much given-up TBH.

Then about six months ago I meet her again, totally by chance. She had ended that untenable relationship about 18 months before, quit her town, had a rebound and moved to mine to start again because her ex was a prominent figure there and she was even more isolated after dumping him. I gave her my number and within a week we were texting constantly, then met for the odd coffee and one night, we were both a bit drunk at opposite ends of town and decided to meet-up, where we had a whale of a time. Rapidly, we became inseperable, and every bit as good friends as before. She did try to friendzone me initially but I had none of it and made it clear I found her as hot as ever and she didn't seem to mind it much. In fact she was soon talking about me as boyfriend material.

Six weeks or so later, we fell into bed for the first time and have great sex but straight after, she draws back and wants to be friends again. This starts a pattern where every 4-6 weeks we fall into each others arms and then back off. She also eventually tells me that her greatest wish is to end-up in a stable LTR with me and maintains that till as recently as late last week. In the meantime, we had become pretty much a couple or at least companions on the day to day level. Have a holiday together and get ourselves in line with our respective friends and families.

After the third or fourth time of this, I start looking for other approaches, find this site and start applying many of the principles and since then, we have had our longest and most stable stretch together, till Sunday, after becoming noticably cooler for a few days before.

As for what I want, yes I'd like this to become a more stable relationship somehow but simply increasing her interest/attraction and a regular sex life would be good too. True she remains my favourite as she does it well for me in quite a few ways but I haveve become less worried since I found here and discovered that I do still have what it takes to go out and pull women again.

 

[SBW]

Ok, tonight she goes further - I'm with some friends in a pub near her work when she calls me up and more or less begs me to see herself and a cute Polish colleague who lives nearby home. So I do, being pleasant to both, chatting about their day and giving no hint of any upset or getting into difficult territory.

She could barely sit still in the car and spent the whole time fidgeting and looking out the window but constantly darting quick glances back over at me. She didn't ask me in though and I didn't ask.

Getting to her maybe?

 

[Igetit!]

Ok, tonight she goes further - I'm with some friends in a pub near her work when she calls me up and more or less begs me to see herself and a cute Polish colleague who lives nearby home. So I do, being pleasant to both, chatting about their day and giving no hint of any upset or getting into difficult territory.

So she called you up and told you to come see her. I know you went out and met up with her,but WHAT DID YOU SAY TO HER when she asked you that?


When she called you and told you to come meet her,WHAT EXACTLY DID YOU SAY?


Also,before she called you,when was the last time you two had spoken to each other?

She could barely sit still in the car and spent the whole time fidgeting and looking out the window but constantly darting quick glances back over at me. She didn't ask me in though and I didn't ask.

Were the two of you in the car alone? And what did you two talk about while you were in the car with her?

Getting to her maybe?

Well yeah,it's possible.

Either that,or she had to go to the bathroom and was holding it in. :crackup:



This thread is about getting exes back,but I don't re-call you two ever having a relationship. Seems like you said that you two just had a "passionate affair" and that was it.


You said something about her trying to friendzone you,but I don't think that's going to happen.



If whenever you try to take her out/date her she throws a "we should be friends" line at you,I think you can still turn it around.



You'll have to push her off some,though. Like when you met up with her and her friend,you should have shown more attention to her friend.



I might have even went as far as asking her about her friend,like if she's single or not.



That really would have pushed her towards you.

 

[DonGorgon]

If she dumped you.. you dont want her back..

 

[Weezy]

If she dumped you.. you dont want her back..

There are times when ya do. Like if you weren't treating her well enough, or you cheated on her.

I'm skeptical of the method really working though if she dumped you. I can see how if you dumped her, this will lure her back in cause cause she is probably still hurt and seeing you might help with her pain.

If she dumped you however, and you call and want to catch up or get coffee, she's gonna know that you want her back

 

[romangod]

i went out clubbing had sex with 3 girls already 2 of them i had sex before 1 new its been more than 2 weeks
she was so pissed she got angry and i think its too late to get her back
i tried pulling mad game out of my sleeves but im running out of ideas

shes playing hard to get telling me to move on but i still know she still cares

any ideas?
thanks

Wear a condom.


Cheers!

 

[SchoolBoy]

There are times when ya do. Like if you weren't treating her well enough, or you cheated on her.

I'm skeptical of the method really working though if she dumped you. I can see how if you dumped her, this will lure her back in cause cause she is probably still hurt and seeing you might help with her pain.

If she dumped you however, and you call and want to catch up or get coffee, she's gonna know that you want her back

It doesn't really matter if she assumes you want her back. As long as you don't make it apparent women can assume whatever they want. The ambiguity gets to them and occupies their mind. Naturally she'll want to find out if her assumptions are true or not.

Don't look at small details, look at the bigger picture. The plan here is to get here on a "date" and cause attraction in her for you. Her assuming you want her back won't change anything. Just never confirm her assumptions.

Once you go on the date, you can apply techniques such as "time compression" or "instant reconnect" to ignite a new flame.

I mean ultimately the goal is to make her attracted to you once again. Can't do that without getting a date first. If you wait at least a month, it wouldn't really matter who made the first call because you "agreed with the breakup".

Hope it cleared some things up.

 

[SchoolBoy]

Well guys, I'm watching this thread with interest as after three good weeks, my preferred lady flaked on me again on Sunday. Schoolboy/Igetit!'s advice looks most interesting to me - Thanks.

The very next day however, she was texting me asking how I was/if I was OK, which I ignored. She has done this at some point every day since and I have said absolutely nothing in response.

Then late at night, she sent me a long message telling me how she still felt very close to me but that her "feelings" had not changed since we met again. Which is complete rubbish as they have clearly changed and changed back several times in the last few months.

So yesterday, I met her very briefly after work, said nothing other than pleasantaries and declined her invitation to come-in for coffee but let her read a short reply where I accepted her reasons, thanked her for her honesty and wished her well. I didn't ask, let alone plead for any sort of further contact. The reason I didn't send it was simply because I had longsince promised myself that I'd never send anything like that to anyone ever again after it actually worked but led to more bad times with someone else a long time ago.

Since then, I've kept contact to the absolute bare minimum. Only briefly confirming arrangements for her boy's birthday this weekend - I had agreed to drive him and his three pals from her parents some distance away, to where they are going to have a party meal. He loves being out in my car and whatever goes-on between his mother and I, he's a nice kid and I'm going to honour any promises I've made to him/the grandparents.

In the meantime, she has also sent me her current hours for work and clearly still wants me to meet her after - Something I had done when I could, as she works on one of the most dangerous streets in this country for attacks and in the last year has been robbed, attacked and collected a stalker who needed police intervention to scare-off.

This party and the sleepover (although I don't intend to stay) after will be the next time I intend to see her for any length of time (if at all) and I'm wondering how to proceed with her then? Any tips/suggestions?

Okay clearly you are doing a good job right now by making her "work" for your attention which is great. Continue to do what you're doing but give a little but not too much. If you continue to act TOO aloof and say you're always unavailable, she will feel as though you are not interested anymore.

If you want to have a stable relationship with her. There's a psychological term called the "Behavioral Theory" that you can use to increase the stability of her emotions towards you.

Behavioral Theory believes in rewarding good behavior, and punishing bad behavior. This is where "freeze out" shines. When you guys are back together and she is showing signs of being cold towards you again by taking a step back. Do a freeze out by taking 2 steps back and ignore her, then make her work for your attention again (punishment). If you do this enough times it may help with the "hot n cold" issues she's been giving you and increase stability.

 

[Weezy]

It doesn't really matter if she assumes you want her back. As long as you don't make it apparent women can assume whatever they want. The ambiguity gets to them and occupies their mind. Naturally she'll want to find out if her assumptions are true or not.

Don't look at small details, look at the bigger picture. The plan here is to get here on a "date" and cause attraction in her for you. Her assuming you want her back won't change anything. Just never confirm her assumptions.

Once you go on the date, you can apply techniques such as "time compression" or "instant reconnect" to ignite a new flame.

I mean ultimately the goal is to make her attracted to you once again. Can't do that without getting a date first. If you wait at least a month, it wouldn't really matter who made the first call because you "agreed with the breakup".

Hope it cleared some things up.

Damn, that makes sense...

Final question, if on the initial call or on the date itself, she brings up her new boyfriend to try and sh1t test you to show your hand, what is the best reaction to this, indifference? "No worries, I understand?" Or is it just game over at that point?

If you get this from her on the phone and she gives you this test, automatic game over?

If you get this on the date and she gives you this test?.

IF I break my current frame of accepting the breakup, I want to have every single base covered, approaching a girl you can practice by trial and error, escalating kino, same thing...

But you only get a few chance to practice getting back an Ex of 3 years... Especially if they initiated the final dump.

 

[SBW]

So she called you up and told you to come see her. I know you went out and met up with her,but WHAT DID YOU SAY TO HER when she asked you that?


When she called you and told you to come meet her,WHAT EXACTLY DID YOU SAY?


Also,before she called you,when was the last time you two had spoken to each other?


Were the two of you in the car alone? And what did you two talk about while you were in the car with her?
Well yeah,it's possible.

Either that,or she had to go to the bathroom and was holding it in. :crackup:



This thread is about getting exes back,but I don't re-call you two ever having a relationship. Seems like you said that you two just had a "passionate affair" and that was it.


You said something about her trying to friendzone you,but I don't think that's going to happen.



If whenever you try to take her out/date her she throws a "we should be friends" line at you,I think you can still turn it around.


You'll have to push her off some,though. Like when you met up with her and her friend,you should have shown more attention to her friend.


I might have even went as far as asking her about her friend,like if she's single or not.
That really would have pushed her towards you.

She said - "I know you are probably really busy but can you please meet me & Micheala when we finish. Be cashed-up in 20 mins." She phoned as well - for the second time this week. Unusual - normally this is all done by text.

I replied - "Ok, I'm nearly done here. Will push off soon. CU."

The last time we spoke was the night before when I met her, exchanged polite pleasantries and let her read my reply to her long message about her "feelings" from Monday night. Outlined in a post above. Absolutely no heavy stuff or anything about how I was feeling. In between then, the only contact was a text about the arrangements for her boy's birthday - again, I didn't rise to the "hope you OK?" bit. Just agreed times and places.

Yes, we were alone for a few mins after dropping her colleague and talked about her work and the moderately famous actor I was working with on Monday.

Could well be her bladder but she is usually not at all shy about bodilly functions and lets me know if she needs to go fast!

Yes, first time round we had a passionate affair after a prolonged period of circling round each other denying it could go further. Which was not aided by her then living a two hour round trip away and my being in severe financial straits after my ex-fiancee's breakdown meant I had to take-on her share of the mortgage. I was struggling to keep the roof over my head and could only manage to get to see her on weekends (and even then, not every one) and the odd short trip away. She was not earning much either at that time as her then partner more or less wanted her in the house waiting for him all the time and made her give-up the work and life she had before. This time has gone more slowly (partly deliberate on my part) but after the second time we fell into bed together, we did talk about where we were going and agreed an understanding that we were working towards being a couple. Since then, I would say we have had a proper relationship on a practical day to day level, but with this stop-start sex life.

I agree that I've managed to keep out of the friendzone so far but at times I do feel I've been dicing very close to it. Really wish I'd found this site about six months or so earlier than I did!

Its when we go out that I have the least of my worries - It usually does not take very long before we are having a fantastic time and are all over each other!

Yes, every time she draws back, I've been doing the same and waiting for her to come back to me, which she has every time. Looks like I may need to be doing a bit of that when she has it for me too? I was paying a bit more attention to her friend TBH but she was a bit young really & taken I think. At other times she has got more than a bit jealous (good-natured/playful, not nasty) when I've been talking to/dancing with other women. eg At a party the other week when I got talking to the singer from the band - A rather hot blonde lady who was prob of similar age to us. (Got her card and number too! ) She was on about it in the car all the way back and we ended-up having a right good night together after that!

Thanks.

 

[SBW]

Okay clearly you are doing a good job right now by making her "work" for your attention which is great.

Continue to do what you're doing but give a little but not too much. If you continue to act TOO aloof and say you're always unavailable, she will feel as though you are not interested anymore.

If you want to have a stable relationship with her. There's a psychological term called the "Behavioral Theory" that you can use to increase the stability of her emotions towards you.

Thanks - I can't say I've not felt like I've been clinging on to an emotional rollercoaster at times with her and I've often been left wondering about the best way to continue.

Yes, I had thought about just keeping on meeting her from work and being polite/bit distant for the rest of this week anyway. This weekend is really going to be for the boy and she has another friend (girl) coming over later-on to help with the sleepover on Friday night. She had asked me to stay too and go off with her and the boys on Sat but I don't know if I will. She also said she didn't want to be left alone in the flat with her pal on the Friday night though - I'm pretty convinced her pal is gay BTW. The next chance we may have of being alone together properly is Sat night or we will probably go out on Sunday afternoon - she's a keen amateur singer and usually goes to an open session in a local pub. Dunno if I should be raising anything more yet?

What I had also been wondering is that should I be pulling back from the day to day/domestic stuff and concentrating more on the times we go out and have fun together? It does seem to me that the sparks really start flying when we are out enjoying ourselves! Also, what other methods can I employ to help sustain her interest/attraction/sexual tension when it is working well? I've never really been one for gaming before and I think a change is long overdue.

 

[Igetit!]

She said - "I know you are probably really busy but can you please meet me & Micheala when we finish. Be cashed-up in 20 mins."

I replied - "Ok, I'm nearly done here. Will push off soon. CU."

This was ok what you said here,but it would have been good if you had put up a little resistance before agreeing to meet up with her.

It's no big deal though.

The last time we spoke was the night before when I met her, exchanged polite pleasantries and let her my reply to her long message about her "feelings" on Monday night. Outlined in a post above. Absolutely no heavy stuff or anything about how I was feeling. In between then, the only contact was a text about the arrangements for her boy's birthday - again, I didn't rise to the "hope you OK?" bit. Just agreed times and places.

Hmm. So the night before she called you and asked you to meet her and her friend was the last time you two talked with each other.


I think I'm starting to get a clearer picture of what's going on with this girl.


You like this girl and would like to have a relationship with her,right? But for some reason,she's being resistant to entering into a relationship with you.



I have a question for you....


She called you up and asked you two meet her and her friend,right?


Why?



Why is she hanging out with you,but refusing to get into a relationship with you? Plus,you said that you two talked with each other the night before she called you and asked you to hang out.


This kind of thing makes my spider sense tingle.



So just to recap and make sure I understand everything correctly...


You two talk by phone/text somewhat frequently
She calls you to talk with you and ask you to meet her places to hangout....


From time to time,you two fall into bed together....



All that,but she doesn't want to be "boyfriend/girlfriend".

Is all that correct?

I agree that I've managed to keep out of the friendzone so far but at times I do feel I've been dicing very close to it.

Uh,trust me...the friendzone is the LAST THING you need to worry about.


The fact that there has been/is a sexual relationship here basically reduces your friendzone chances to zero.



Does she know you want to date her/have a relationship with her?

And if this type of conversation has come up before,who brought it up,and what did SHE say about it?


I know I ask a lot of questions,but they're necessary.


Like I said before,I think I can see what's going on here with her,but I don't want to assume.

Once you answer these questions,things should be a lot clearer.

 

[SchoolBoy]

Damn, that makes sense...

Final question, if on the initial call or on the date itself, she brings up her new boyfriend to try and sh1t test you to show your hand, what is the best reaction to this, indifference? "No worries, I understand?" Or is it just game over at that point?

If you get this from her on the phone and she gives you this test, automatic game over?

If you get this on the date and she gives you this test?.

IF I break my current frame of accepting the breakup, I want to have every single base covered, approaching a girl you can practice by trial and error, escalating kino, same thing...

But you only get a few chance to practice getting back an Ex of 3 years... Especially if they initiated the final dump.

Since you were the one that was dumped, you must first find out the reason "why" she dumped you. Not the reason she "told" you, but what the real reason is. Women tend to lie to the teeth to justify themselves.
Once you find out why, you can make sure you don't exhibit those same behaviors when you reunite.

As for her having a new boyfriend, it really doesn't matter. In fact it may even be a good thing. Put yourself in her shoes: after leaving a long term relationship, (I assume the break up didn't happen more than a few months ago), you find someone new, it would naturally feel uncomfortable getting back into the dating scene. A feeling of uncertainty is bound to happen. This is where YOU shine, because you have years of rapport with her and she will feel "comfortable" around you. Compared to the new guy who barely has any rapport at all. The new guy is barely an obstacle in my mind. If anything he's could just be a rebound or a placeholder.

The key once again is to act indifferent about it. Acknowledge she has a boyfriend, but avoid talking anymore about him. Don't say "No worries, I understand." That just confirms you're trying to get her back and that you believe she's sending you a signal that shes "off limits". Instead say something on the lines of "that's great!, anyways..." then change the topic. That way you acknowledge it, but give it no merit.

I hope that clears some things up.

 

[SchoolBoy]

Thanks - I can't say I've not felt like I've been clinging on to an emotional rollercoaster at times with her and I've often been left wondering about the best way to continue.

Yes, I had thought about just keeping on meeting her from work and being polite/bit distant for the rest of this week anyway. This weekend is really going to be for the boy and she has another friend (girl) coming over later-on to help with the sleepover on Friday night. She had asked me to stay too and go off with her and the boys on Sat but I don't know if I will. She also said she didn't want to be left alone in the flat with her pal on the Friday night though - I'm pretty convinced her pal is gay BTW. The next chance we may have of being alone together properly is Sat night or we will probably go out on Sunday afternoon - she's a keen amateur singer and usually goes to an open session in a local pub. Dunno if I should be raising anything more yet?

What I had also been wondering is that should I be pulling back from the day to day/domestic stuff and concentrating more on the times we go out and have fun together? It does seem to me that the sparks really start flying when we are out enjoying ourselves! Also, what other methods can I employ to help sustain her interest/attraction/sexual tension when it is working well? I've never really been one for gaming before and I think a change is long overdue.

You can sustain her interest by not acting AFC and continuing to keep your frame together. Make sure when you do see her, you continue to "kino" her.

I mean I don't see why you're worried about keeping her interest, you're doing a pretty good job. Just don't turn AFC be becoming needy and insecure and you should be alright.

Here's a few things in mind if you want to "increase" her interest level towards you:

-Demonstration of higher value & social proof (demonstrates you are indeed the prize)
-Kino (builds sexual tension and anticipation)
-Show alpha male qualities (leadership, decisiveness, take control etc.)
-Push/Pull (keeps you interesting)
-Aloof but not "too" aloof (shows you're not "too" available and have a life)
-Don't act like an AFC (need I explain?)

Hope that helped.

 

[SBW]

This was ok what you said here,but it would have been good if you had put up a little resistance before agreeing to meet up with her.

Hmm. So the night before she called you and asked you to meet her and her friend was the last time you two talked with each other.

I think I'm starting to get a clearer picture of what's going on with this girl.

You like this girl and would like to have a relationship with her,right? But for some reason,she's being resistant to entering into a relationship with you.

I have a question for you....
She called you up and asked you two meet her and her friend,right?
Why?

Why is she hanging out with you,but refusing to get into a relationship with you? Plus,you said that you two talked with each other the night before she called you and asked you to hang out.

This kind of thing makes my spider sense tingle.

So just to recap and make sure I understand everything correctly...

You two talk by phone/text somewhat frequently
She calls you to talk with you and ask you to meet her places to hangout....

From time to time,you two fall into bed together....

All that,but she doesn't want to be "boyfriend/girlfriend".

Is all that correct?

Uh,trust me...the friendzone is the LAST THING you need to worry about.
The fact that there has been/is a sexual relationship here basically reduces your friendzone chances to zero.

Does she know you want to date her/have a relationship with her?

And if this type of conversation has come up before,who brought it up,and what did SHE say about it?

I know I ask a lot of questions,but they're necessary.

Like I said before,I think I can see what's going on here with her,but I don't want to assume.

Once you answer these questions,things should be a lot clearer.

Yes I could have been more resistant but this was promised as a friend and I do tend to place some value in keeping my word to people. As I alluded to earlier, she works in an area where a woman or her own is very likely to have problems and she has had them - Within days of my getting to know her again, it emerged she had a stalker who got a lot worse when he saw she had a new man about her and became very disturbing indeed. Eventually, police were involved and they found more than enough evidence for action. Whilst this went on, I ensured she never needed to worry about getting herself home alone.

The night before, she met me alone and I saw her home. She had another female colleague who lives down the road from her on Monday night. Usually she's alone though.

Yes I do like her and as a baseline, she says she likes me a lot too. On the relationship side, she has been blowing hot and cold for several months. Sometimes it is on and things are great, then its off and we are back to being "friends". Never stopped talking to each other, or had any sort of serious row throughout. Sometimes hard words, but never harsh.

Yes, I do wonder why she keeps me hanging-around. I can also say that in the last few months, apart from work we have done very liittle apart from each other. Equally, we have found that a lot of our interests are in common, or complement each other very well and I've picked-up an interest in stuff from her eg singing - I've played in bands before but was very surprised to find I am beginning to develop a decent voice under her tuition, whilst she has picked-up a couple of my interests and loves them too.

We do talk a lot, although I did deliberately reduce the amount of text/phoning as I was getting to the point where I was worrying about running out of things to talk about in person!

Yes, when it happens the sex is visceral - most compatible woman I've ever had in my life!

Yes, she does know I want a relationship and it was she who first raised it.

Pretty much the progress was like this:

First date (with our arms round each other) - "Look, can we just be friends. I'm enjoying being single again just now and getting my life back together" To which I replied that I was certainly still a friend but she'd have to respect that I still found her pretty hot and I'd not pass-up the chance of going further if that happened. Her reply was - "ok, I guess we can still kiss and cuddle a bit as friends! And we did, frequently!

A few dates later, after a lot more fun and getting to know each other much better again, we were in a taxi with a friend of her's and he said something about us being a good couple - to which she replied - "maybe just maybe, I've been thinking about it a lot recently"

I let it lie for a while and we got on with enjoying ourselves, spending more and more time together and being physically close, untill one night, she had taken me out for a meal and when we got back to her flat, we got on to the subject of her relationship with her boy and I assured her I'd always respect that he came first in her life. Then (when we were cuddled-up on the sofa) she started talking about our upcoming holiday together and she asked what I'd think if she decided to sneak into my room one night. I told her I'd welcome it and said why bother waiting to find out and kissed her. That was it - we were into bed in no time. Then the next day, she pulled back and said we were not going any further just now.

On the holiday, we had a great time and yes, we did spend a couple of nights together. After one of which, we had that chat and agreed about starting on the road to becoming a couple. After that her father was taken seriously ill, I had a lot of work to attend to and the stalker thing was coming to court, so she was pretty stressed. I did back off a bit but remained friendly and on hand if she needed anything. I also began to take a more active role in the lad's life as well.

Then another time, when we were out at her singing session, out of the blue, she just blurted that she was "so over" her ex and felt great about moving-on with her life now and that it would be just the best thing for us to get together.

Then one night we were out and when dancing, she just grabbed me and said "This is so great, I just know now we are meant to be together" which led to another few great nights in bed and for a short time after, we were together - she was telling people and talking about us, making plans etc.

Then she backed-off again and we had another talk where she said she loved me and that it was her wish that we would work out together. To which I finally agreed that it was exactly what I wanted as well.

Since then, she has blown hot and cold on a regular basis and sometimes I'll admit to backing off because I could see her turning ahead. Then I eventually found this site and started applying some of the ideas here, whilst (maybe as insurance) taking heed of some things myself and beginning to explore some other options as far as women in general are concerned and finding I still had it - which also reduced my stress to some great degree. This has led to a stable period of several weeks where all seemed great, until she cooled and backed off again last week.

Hope that helps, thanks.

 

[SBW]

You can sustain her interest by not acting AFC and continuing to keep your frame together. Make sure when you do see her, you continue to "kino" her.

I mean I don't see why you're worried about keeping her interest, you're doing a pretty good job. Just don't turn AFC be becoming needy and insecure and you should be alright.

Here's a few things in mind if you want to "increase" her interest level towards you:

-Demonstration of higher value & social proof (demonstrates you are indeed the prize)
-Kino (builds sexual tension and anticipation)
-Show alpha male qualities (leadership, decisiveness, take control etc.)
-Push/Pull (keeps you interesting)
-Aloof but not "too" aloof (shows you're not "too" available and have a life)
-Don't act like an AFC (need I explain?)

Hope that helped.

Thanks, yes very much. - I suppose I'm overly focused on the times she draws back, rather than the times she has it for me? Difficult to see beyond that sometimes?

I think I was concerned about having been far too AFC at times in the beginning and she did spend a considerable amount of time probing me about my past major relationships/troubles in life etc (older ones, not my ex-fiancee, she knew her too well for comfort) and talked a lot about her own. She also demonstrated a fascination with one in particular where I spent 9 years in on-off hell with an ambitious career scientist and really dug deeply into that. In retrospect, it may have been a big (or my biggest) mistake to encourage/respond to her in this? Since finding here and coming to grips with the concept, recognising that I had suffered badly from it in the past etc, I have been straight as a die about avoiding AFC and also appreciate that I was not quite as bad as I had feared this time.

Yes, she responds superbly to kino and I get that chance frequently - whenever we are out and pretty often at her flat too. Even when she is off me, I can still initiate and escalate pretty far - to the point where she has said "stop, you are turning me on too much" but then she will then start to crawl all over me and I can continue the kino in a different form. eg, moving the emphasis from neck to breasts/thighs. She ain't ticklish either!


As for those concepts:

Value/Social proof - Think I may need work with this, both to understand and demonstrate it better. I have to say that since her yo-yo behaviour pattern emerged, I have been a bit less happy about encouraging her in my own social circle, although my best friends know what is going on.

Alpha Male - OK, yes hold hands-up to this. I can be far too easygoing at times. Need to work here.

Push/Pull - barely understand the concept and still struggling to see how I can apply it. Can anyone point me at any further reading. I have only found very superficial info, always leading to dubious commercial links.

Aloof - Yes, I'm decided to be a bit less available to her, although I'll still offer the work thing when I can, simply for safety/practical reasons. Dunno about what I'm going to do about the time I'm spending with the boy though. Don't really want to back-off there as he has benifited greatly and yes, I've enjoyed doing guy-stuff with him too! There is another issue here - The lad suffered a serious illness a while back (another contributor to her decision to leave her hometown), which has held him back a bit and left some psycological scars but he has come-on a long way since I got to know him, so for his sake, I'm glad of that.

Going to have to work now but I'll be back-on later if you have any more questions.