How to eliminate fear for GOOD

[Vibe]

There is something really important that many of the guys on this forum seem to forget. When you have complete control of your inner game, your outer game will follow naturally.

Many of us were stricken with low self esteem as children. We had a hard time growing up (didn't middle school suck?). A lot of that is still with us. We're still frightened of rejection. We're frightened of not being good enough. We're frightened of conflict. We're frightened - period.

Even when we get angry at women, it is fear-based. When we call women dirty wh*res and b*tches, we are just afraid of the effect those "attitudes" have on us. The MAJORITY of our negative emotional states stem from fear. And we are making that our reality. We all know there are beautiful women out there with beautiful hearts. But we are afraid we will never find them so we mask our fear by getting ANGRY at women. (Women do it to men too).

HOWEVER

There is a solution. We all know it in theory, but not many of us actually live it it as our reality. We lie to ourselves and then we lie to the forum. It's innocent, of course, because we have already convinced ourselves that we are fearless. But if that's the case...WHY ARE WE STILL HERE? WHY DO WE NEED THIS FORUM?

You may argue that it's so we can learn the methods and routines, etc to pick up women. I disagree. I think that when you have eliminated fear's control, you will NATURALLY become good with women and with ANYONE.

Let me get a little deeper into this. To paraphrase Stephane Hemon, the key is to transcend the ego. For many people, the ego controls our actions. How do people see us? Do we measure up? Are we tall enough, strong enough, funny enough, or attractive enough? These are all meaningless thoughts.

No healthy person should be using other peoples' opinions as a basis for self-validation. There's no reason to. We have been taught all our lives that the opinion of other people is a measurement of our self-worth. This is 100% false and we all know it. The key is to really, truly become it. Transcend the ego.

You will notice that something amazing happens when you finally make it. As soon as you stop judging yourself, you will stop judging other people as well. A feeling of warmth and peace will course through your body and you will see all people as equals. You will be able to view your situations objectively. What does this mean for your game?


- Approaching women is no big deal because we all know that nothing they do or say has any effect on your self-worth. Any fear of rejection simply comes from your own self-rejection.
- Speaking to women is easy. You will say what you want how you want to and because you have no fear and concern about whether she stays or leaves, everything will fall into place. Your body language, voice tonality, phrasology, etc will NATURALLY come across as confident and "together."
- Because you are truly being yourself, you will become naturally attractive to the people that fit well with YOU. Because you are naturally qualifying everybody you meet to live up to YOUR standards, you will often end up with women you would want in your life regardless of whether or not you are sexing them.

What does this mean for your RELATIONSHIPS?

- When you have transcended the ego, your inclination to get jealous will vanish. Your desire to get angry will disappear. Because these are all fear-based emotions and you have eliminated fear from governing your actions, you will live a much more peaceful, loving relationship.
- You will NOT allow anyone to walk all over you or take advantage of you. You will only give what you choose to give and take what you choose to take. Just because you do not get angry does NOT mean you will become an AFC.

Speaking of AFC traits, let me approach that. We spend a lot of time covering up these things. We work on developing our confidence. We have "techniques" and "rules" that we operate by. These were created by a bunch of guys in order to MIMIC the attributes of someone who naturally has good game with women. what they forget to approach is WHY they exist this way. Even David D's stuff ignores this all-important quality. What MAKES the naturals natural? It all comes down to their self-confidence. But by transcending the ego, you are actually surpassing the naturals. You have become emotionally invincible because NOTHING can get to you unless you ALLOW it to get to you.

~Vibe~

 

[Visceral]

What should we do to transcend our egos?

 

[Vibe]

Well, I could tell you but Stephane Hemon has done a great job already so I'll just post his newsletter article in here:

-------------------
STOP CARING WHAT OTHERS THINK.

I've finally figured out the magic recipe.

And like every lasting solution in life, it's pretty SIMPLE.

MANY readers won't like it, and MANY will be offended by it and feel defensive.

I'm cool with that



The need to use techniques is fear-based. As in, "If I don't use techniques, girls won't be attracted to me! yikes!" My thing is that if you are a sincere, heart-centered man, women will fall all over you (if they know what's good for them).

I KNOW it's possible to go from what RJ calls "AFC" or what David D. calls "Wussy" or what I call "One-Handed Internet Surfer." STRAIGHT to being supremely confident, successful and happy with women and relationships, WITHOUT doing a single thing to your "game".

Because when you get the inside "cleaned up", the outside will naturally shine.

"All game is INNER-game."

You'll start making all the right moves with women, without having to think twice about what to say or how to act.

Also, you'll stop putting up with second-class behavior (without losing your cool) and you'll walk away from snobby or *****y women without giving it a second thought, no matter how cute they are.

By learning to shed insecurities, which are Ego-based ILLUSIONS, one can make extraordinary changes, without ever having to memorize a single "routine" or pickup line or "attract tactic".

Remember, "Higher Status" is an Ego-based ILLUSION!

And a pretty egotistical one at that!

I think about this in the following terms (instead of the "higher value" stuff). I hate the higher value stuff because as soon as one person has "higher value", it presupposes that other people are of LESSER VALUE.

OUCH! This way of thinking hurts people. This competitive stuff is what animals and cavemen do!

Here's how I view this stuff:

The ONLY DIFFERENCE between us is how we choose to spend our time.

It's what we do with the 27,000 days (on average, if we don't get struck down by lightning or hit by a bus) that "Creator" gives us.

Try to move away from this idea that some people are "Alpha" and some people are "Beta".

I KNOW IT SEEMS THIS WAY, BUT THINGS ARE NOT ALWAYS WHAT THEY SEEM. "THE MAP IS NOT THE TERRITORY."

This Alpha/Beta High Status type of thinking keeps people feeling insecure (or SUPERIOR, which is fear-based nonsense). This is the kind of thinking that creates pickup addictions, approach anxiety, and limp ****s.

An insecure person needs to make comparisons and judgments.

Actually, AN EGOTISTICAL person makes comparisons and judgments.

An ENLIGHTENED person KNOWS that we're all made of the same energy, or what some people call "love".

You're made of energy particles that "dance" together in harmony.

Sounds like LOVE to me.

I don't think of "love" as being some moral obligation or romantic compliments.

To my way of thinking, when most people say, "I love you", what they are really saying is, "Do you love me?"

Or they might be saying, "I love you, as long as you love me, and don't get too fat, and make a certain amount of money, and dress a certain way" etc. etc. etc. Most "love" in our society is CONDITIONAL (and therefore fear-based).

Question:

If you knew beyond the shadow of a doubt that you ARE ATTRACTIVE, how would you feel?

How would you approach women if you KNEW IT WAS TRUE, and had zero doubt?

How would your thought patterns change?

How much time do you think you would spend trying to memorize "attract routines" and "****y/funny" and body language mannerisms IF YOU KNEW YOU WERE ALREADY ATTRACTIVE?

NONE.

All these micro-behaviors would come NATURALLY to you.

Hey man, I'm not talking about lying to yourself, or convincing yourself that you're attractive, by using "positive thinking" or any other horse-sh*t like that.

Positive thinking is often, "positive REPRESSING and LYING to yourself."

I'm talking about educating yourself ABOUT YOU.

It's about becoming SELF AWARE.

Most people think about self-awareness in terms of, "What's wrong with me that I need to fix?"

LOL.

I'm talking about REAL self-awareness. I'm talking way beyond psychology here.

The more you start to become self-aware, the more you'll begin to realize that you're attractive. You always were. It's just that we forget this FACT along the way.

Our Ego gets in the way.

True confidence comes from transcending the Ego. It comes from eradicating fear.

There is simply no other way.

True, you can work on your tonality, body-language, words, and other behaviors, and become more and more clever, but that's only a small FRACTION of who you are.

Most of the "seduction community" is trying to take an OUTSIDE-IN approach to success, thinking that if they get their "game" to be "tight" enough ON THE BEHAVIOR LEVEL that the inside will take care of itself.

My caveat is that unless you get the inner-game portion worked out, no matter how many Barbie dolls you pickup and essentially masturbate inside of, IT WON'T FULLFILL YOU.

Worse, it will cause you to have contempt for women.

I know, because I experienced it firsthand.

I got to know and hung out with MANY of the top "gurus" in the seduction community. And the better people get at "gaming targets", the further it takes them from their heart.

In fact, you need to close your heart to become REALLY GOOD at seducing different women, night after night (and then forgetting them the next day).

Next thing you know, you think that women are validation-seeking liars, and sluts, and stimulus-seeking state change junkies, and you believe this because in fact it is YOU who is that way.

"The world is your mirror."


~Vibe~

 

[Visceral]

Unless I missed something, what you posted is just more description - more sales pitch. There wasn't any process or things to do that I could see.

 

[Vibe]

It's simple, man. There is no "formula." There aren't any "guidelines."

You simply connect with yourself - with who you are. Just stop judging yourself based on other people. That is the first step. Stop using other people to validate YOU. Know that you are the ONLY one who can measure your self worth. Realize that nothing REALLY matters - that things only have value if we assign them value. It doesn't happen over night but once you really understand how people in this world are connected (and disconnected) you will realize that there is no REASON to judge yourself.

Remember - the world is your mirror. So once you can achieve peace inside, you will find peace outside.

When you have fears or concerns, use them as an opportunity to learn. Practice some self-reflection - put things in perspective. You will realize that there is really nothing wrong with you. You are fine. You are capable of loving and being loved and you WILL be loved as long as you make that your reality. These techniques and ideas are fine, but they are not real. They are just a mask.

When you know what you want in a woman, you will automatically be validating them. The PUAs teach us that when you walk up to a woman, you should pretend to validate her with things you say. You are putting up a front like you are somehow beyond her validation. The trick is to realize that you truly ARE beyond her validation. Confidence comes from inside. It doesn't come from techniques and openers. Bootcamp just numbs you to the effects of the fear. It does not eliminate it. That's why when you approach lots of woman over a week or so and then take a break, the fear returns.

So what is the process? Just admit that you have as much value as you apply to yourself. When you approach a woman, the fear you feel is only your self-rejection. How can this woman reject you? She doesn't know you. You have already given in to your own insecurities and now you reflect that, assuming it is how she will feel about you. So you have already taken yourself out of the game even before you've approached her! Sure, you can work through it but wouldn't it be much easier and more FULFILLING to simply forget about the ego?

I'm sorry if I'm making this difficult to understand. Maybe because it is so simple, it is hard to pinpoint exactly what to do. I guess the best thing I can say is to forget about the outside for a while. Worry about the inner game...realize it is all about you - not the girl you are approaching.

~Vibe~

 

[Tazman]

So what is the process? Just admit that you have as much value as you apply to yourself. When you approach a woman, the fear you feel is only your self-rejection. How can this woman reject you? She doesn't know you. You have already given in to your own insecurities and now you reflect that, assuming it is how she will feel about you. So you have already taken yourself out of the game even before you've approached her! Sure, you can work through it but wouldn't it be much easier and more FULFILLING to simply forget about the ego?

If I could "forget" about my ego I would be in absolute heaven.

 

[NINJA PIMP]

Originally posted by Tazman
If I could "forget" about my ego I would be in absolute heaven.

Your ego, like many facets of your psyche, is not meant to be forgotten. Anyone who tells you different does not understand basic human nature. The trick is to get your ego to work for you and not the other way around. Too often we let our self-importance get the best of us and it robs us of our joy. Instead of worrying about the impression you make on the world, you need to first understand the fundamentals of who you are, what you stand for and the things that make YOU happy (not your parents, not women, not your friends)

In order to do this, you must face the mirror, so to speak. You must objectively look at your strong and weak points, capitalize on your strengths and work on your weaknesses. You must have courage to pursue your passions and share this inner fire with those around you. With discipline you will find that your ego comfortably in the passenger seat, it will become just one of the many masks you wear in order to achieve your dreams.

All the answers to our most profound questions lie within. We are all veritable buried treasures of priceless wisdom....most of us are just too lazy to dig.

 

[Tazman]

Interesting. I think I've done this from time to time, but I need to force it as a habit, rather than something I do only when I'm in a good mood. I think I worry myself into depression so much it takes away the positive energy I used to have in abundance before I started to obsess about getting a woman and looking "normal" to everyone else.

 

[Visceral]

I do that a lot myself, nag and criticize myself into depression, and eventually feel too worthless to deserve better from myself and from life. Otherwise, I'm just blissfully unaware of how much better life could be.

It's that damn inner monologue that never shuts up, a middleman between me and the world that must approve of and micromanage everything I do, or a mental simulation chamber where actions are explored and rejected before even being considered. I try to stop it but it's no use; I can't shut it off the way I could close my eyes or plug my ears.

I'd say I need to stop living in my head and be a lot more impulsive - think less and do more - but the ego's iron-fisted rule of fear is a hard thing to break, as it offers the same false choice between oppression and chaos that all dictators throughout history have given their subjects.

 

[A-Unit]

Re:

Visceral,


I've dug into the world of the ego quite a bit through various teachings and philosophies and still do. To an extend, as humans WE ALL have egos. We always will. Must not condemn ourselves for who we are....


I Step 1.

Stop condeming yourself for WHAT and WHO you are. You are made from goodness, from a source, without knowledge of WHY and put to interact, create, and play out this grand scene.

II Step 2

Action. I know we say 'go to action,' but honestly, studies have been done that conclude MOST decisions are made on pure blind thought and faith, and only afterwards do we try to rationalize it. In a world like this, we operate with imperfect knowledge on hunches, and you must learn to just trust them, that your 'hunches' will lead you to the end of the path you chose.

Go to this site...


http://www.gutenberg.org/


Download the book...

"How to live on 24 hours a day" by Arnold Bennett

That's also a great resource for other free material. Check it often to see if other ebooks are uploaded that might be mentioned here.


III Step 3

Baby steps. If your fear is great, start small and make small % progressions. For instance, aim to make 1% progress in something each day or week.

If it's women, try approaching a girl you like.

If it's saving, try saving the change you get back from spending cash in a bank and DO NOT SPEND it.

Just note the small, incremental increases that will get you to your ultimate goal.

You needn't do it all at once. Even the best bodies are the result of painless work day in day out.

----------------------------------------


To me, fear is not something to be eliminated. Focusing on ELIMINATING the problem is the wrong side of the coin. We should be focused on IMPROVING the other side of the equation, like our courage to accomplish something. To do that, making marginal progress each day or week will do just that.


Fear crops up in the unknown. Well as long as we remain as true humans, the unknown will always be a constant. Might as well accept it. Its bolstering the confidence to FACE fear.


You think someone charging into battle, or approaching a prospect, or doing a deal bigger than they are used to is not fearful? Hell yeah it is, only the focus on the courage they possess as a strength and not the fear they have of the failure.



A-Unit

 

[Iamnotacrook]

A few years ago, I watched a movie called A Walk to Remember... several times I watched it... made me see things alot differently... after that, I adopted the "I don't care what people think about me" philosophy... and the "do your best to be perfect" philosophy. It's awesome to say "I have nothing to hide" and mean it.

 

[diablo]

DJ Tips...

 

[Tazman]

It's that damn inner monologue that never shuts up, a middleman between me and the world that must approve of and micromanage everything I do, or a mental simulation chamber where actions are explored and rejected before even being considered. I try to stop it but it's no use; I can't shut it off the way I could close my eyes or plug my ears.

Yes, and when this happens to me in social situations I try and alter the way I behave consciously to improve, but then I think I focus too much on everything and it doesn't flow "naturally" as it should. Quite a vicious cycle for me it seems.

I'd say I need to stop living in my head and be a lot more impulsive - think less and do more -

Funny thing is this actually works, but I find it pretty rare that I'm able to do it. This is something that I've been experimenting with and I think I'm going to try and do a little bit of it everyday.

It amazes me how blissful my life was when I was younger and didn't care about all this stuff. Now I'm struggling to do things I never used to think twice about. Granted, your perception of life changes significantly when you get older.

 

[LIME!]

This sounds nice, but is it psychologically possible? Humans are heirarchical, social creatures. Humans need validation from others. It would also be nice to not need food or air, but there you go.

 

[Vibe]

Re: Re:

Originally posted by A-Unit

To me, fear is not something to be eliminated. Focusing on ELIMINATING the problem is the wrong side of the coin. We should be focused on IMPROVING the other side of the equation, like our courage to accomplish something. To do that, making marginal progress each day or week will do just that.

Good call, A-Unit. I guess the best thing to do is learn to understand the ego. Transcending it does not necessarily mean we completely ignore its existence. It is more about taking it into account, understanding why it is there, and trusting that we have made the best decision for that moment.

You've given me a lot to think about, man. So have you, Ninja Pimp. Thanks for your comments. Good stuff in there...

Has anyone ever heard of Adidam.org? Any thoughts on this?

~Vibe~

 

[Vibe]

Originally posted by LIME!
Humans need validation from others.

I disagree with this one. Humans need a lot of things psychologically but I do not think this is one of them.

~Vibe~

 

[rockstar88]

you are who you are. one day you will be no more(or atleast not in flesh) so **** it and be happy. that seems like a logical solution.
Fear is always going to be there no matter what. Ego is always going to be there.

 

[Schlep]

Originally posted by Vibe
I disagree with this one. Humans need a lot of things psychologically but I do not think this is one of them.

Check into Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs.

 

[Vibe]

Originally posted by Schlep
Check into Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs.

I haven't checked it out yet, but I will. First, let me refine what I said about not needing validation from others. We don't need validation from people who haven't earned the right to validate us. In other words, who cares what some dude off the street thinks. However, someone who has an individual's respect and trust can validate that person through positive support and constructive criticism.

~Vibe~

 

[Life-Trainee]

This is good stuff but how does it translate into every day life? How do you constantly make yourself aware of these things and what steps do you take to make this your permanent frame?