How to become a DJ - (my most enlightened post yet)

[Lone_raider]

Wow, good post man. Even though I don't have some alternate persona to pick up women, and usually just go with the flow. I still periodically find myself worrying about interest level! That is part of an ego problem, definitly, things have to be natural and easy, not a constant battle.

 

[Jariel]

Originally posted by Double
jariel im really impressed by your huge mindset change - TOTALLY different from your pretty pathetic(now that it is past i can say it can i? ) posts about your crazy ex. how you accomplished this in such a short time i dont understand but well i know you gone a long way with lots of errors. i hope for you that you will keep the good work up and dont fall back into old thinking habits!good post.

Thanks Double. It is a pretty large leap and I have to admit that too (and yes I was pathetic!), but it hit me one day as I was moping around that the problem with my ex (and women) was not what she was doing, but more about how I was feeling at that exact moment and why.

I decided to take some responsibility for my own state of mind and learn to control it at its source, instead of giving that power to others.

I think when guys focus too much on controlling women and situations, they end up losing control over themselves.

 

[Double]

hey jariel hows it going i hope i get to this point soon, too. already took the first step and spending much less time on sosuave

 

[Rogerman]

Thanks for sharing this bro.

 

[green69]

hey I read this as well this is a great post, Jariel. I'll be honest and say that the OVERALL message has mostly been said before (but than again you could say that for anything anyone has said.) but I do like a couple points brought up which I don't believe I've seen.

The points I really liked are about enjoying women. Are you approaching that girl over there because you want to get to know her and she seems like someone you might want to spend time with? Or are you approaching her just to say to yourself and others "hey I picked up that hot chick over there." I think everyone can honestly say that they've done both at one point or another...but it should be about enjoying women not about boosting your own ego.

I also liked the fact you mention if someone is a pickup artist, it doesn't necessarily mean they are a cool person, or happy with themselves. They use lots of techniques and seduction tips to impress the girls...and as you said, they are supplicating towards them. They are changing their personality in order to try to get the girl to like them. That doesn't show someone being content with themselves.

I am gonna re-read your post a couple more times so I can drive it in my head because it's almost a revelation for me at this point. Thx!

 

[Marlimus]

Deep.


______________________________________________
"For each man must learn to live within the citadel of himself."
-Marcus Aurelius, Emperor of Rome.

 

[AMF]

This thread is profound, but the most profound comment was not written by yourself, Jariel.

Originally posted by siph
some dudes have to play games
some have game

end of story

Thank you.

 

[Oxide]

Good post Jariel, i liked how you have decided to work on your inner self rather then letting outside factors determine your life. I have some questions

Ask yourself truthfully, do you ever..
Expect sex from a girl
Talk to get a girl to do something...
…

Could you please elaborate on this? I talk to girls and yes sometimes i am talking to them and trying to up the temperature. Why is this wrong?

 

[Jariel]

Originally posted by Oxide
Could you please elaborate on this? I talk to girls and yes sometimes i am talking to them and trying to up the temperature. Why is this wrong?

A few people have questioned this, so I'll try to explain what I mean.

I see nothing wrong at all with turning up the temperature and building on a mutual interest. This is how things progress with women, but it should be a "two-way dance" rather than a pursuit.

If you focus on getting something from a woman, then she automatically has the power to approve or reject you. Afterall, you need her approval in order to get what you want (number, date, sex).

I've been observing people a lot more in this context and I've noticed that no matter how ****y, arrogant, suave or cool a guy may feel and act, there is no hiding that unconscious vibe of needing the woman's approval. In fact, most guys I've watched overcompensate by trying to be too cool or ****y - and they don't even know they are doing it.

On the other hand, I have watched guys talk to women purely for the conversation. They get good rapport, then politely leave. They have this confident, laidback vibe throughout the whole conversation, and as I'm observing even I'm thinking "this guy is cool". For the rest of the night, I notice the women glancing and desperately trying to get the guy's attention back.

I take the latter approach myself now and it pays off with enjoyable conversations, good evenings out, many new friends and acquaintances, but also in peaking a women's interest and curiosity.

I hope this has clarified it somewhat. Thanks to everyone for the feedback and input on this post. Glad to hear it has been helpful to some of you and it's nice to get some insights back from the replies.

 

[S0LID]

Jar can you honestly tell me that your 100% confident in your own skin? You wouldnt be hurt if someone pointed out an insecurity in your appearance? What if someone told you the truth (in their eyes) about how you look to THEM? What if when you went out nobody even looked at you? Perhaps loads of people think this, perhaps theres only a small percent who like your looks, and this their JUST ABOUT acceptable, just about meets the standard, would they even tell you that? No they'd make you out to be a hot shot. Maybe they think your ok looking and just like your cloths (maybe hes worth something, I guess i wouldnt be embaressed to be seen with him). Perhaps your trying to convince yourself your something your not.

hit me back, your getting warm to the answers but i think your still insecure about the truth

 

[Jariel]

Solid: No, I'm definitely not 100% confident, or even close, but my insecurities motivate me to better myself and achieve my goals.

As for convincing myself I'm better than I am or depending on people's feedback, this tip is really about taking the opposite direction and dropping the ego altogether. It's about enjoying life and experiences through your own eyes instead of judging yourself from the eyes of other people.

 

[S0LID]

Ok man, was just trying to trigger some of ya emotions by there. Any of them hit a nerve? Remind you of your old self?

I still think your taking things too serious.

 

[Bombshell]

Honestly one of the best posts I have ever read. Not because this is new information to me or that its mind blowing, its just that it is the right mindset one needs to have.

 

[MackJr]

I also liked the fact you mention if someone is a pickup artist, it doesn't necessarily mean they are a cool person, or happy with themselves. They use lots of techniques and seduction tips to impress the girls...and as you said, they are supplicating towards them. They are changing their personality in order to try to get the girl to like them. That doesn't show someone being content with themselves.

this makes no sense. If you be your natural self, you won't get women, period, unless you always did.

 

[SmoothIsSex]

Originally posted by MackJr
this makes no sense. If you be your natural self, you won't get women, period, unless you always did.

What many of us fail to realize on here is that many of the tips posted on this forum (and some are fantastic) are interpretated the "unnatural" way. More than likely many of you on here have read or been given advice on how to achieve more women, get laid more, and become that "Alpha Male". Immediately upon reading those tips you began to try and shove it into your aura. There's a problem with that: It's still an act! It's scripted! And perhaps (dare I say it) worst of all, it is UNNATURAL. When coming to this site, one of the first lessons the usual "AFC" will be taught on this site is to be CONFIDENT. This is true. However, once that "AFC" dives into and interprets the tips, the confidence the AFC was looking for suddenly becomes scripted and phony. Guess what? That still makes you that "AFC" to me because then you are only disguising your NEED for attention in which you receive your fix off of women. What about beneath the surface?

I am most certainly not trying to distort the advice that is given every day on these forums. Much of it is helpful. However, the advice given on here is only truly helpful when you BLEND it with your personality, not act it out. Recently, I saw a video clip on Comcast which focused on being a "Don Juan". I was dumfounded at what I saw! Men were paying $2000 or more dollars to have a man called "Mystery" or something close to that name help them become less insecure and AFC and more confident. You know what he offered them? A script; an act. A man walks into a bar and notices an attractive girl laughing. "Excuse me, do you know that your nose wiggles when you laugh?" It was rather amusing. See my point? The advice works in the short term. What about yourself? What about the long term? All you're doing is building your ego to an unnecessary height. You are still needy and clingy on the inside just like you used to be on the outside with your visible aura.

If your natural self was needy and clingy on the outside and is causing you trouble and not much success with women or even people in general, by all means this site can help you. But please, (I cannot emphasize this enough!) blend it in with your personality. True confidence comes forward when you don't need to think back on what you read. If you truly are confident, all of these "cold approaches" and "conversation openers" will just flow NATURALLY. If you ponder too hard on how you should be, it comes an act and ultimately still gives you the label of being an AFC with yourself.

 

[Socialreject]

People are to hung up on 'changing' themselves, when the real punchline is IMPROVE yourself. And improving yourself does NOT constitute using sleaze and cheap 'tactics' to get women into your sack (sry guys, reality check here).

You obviously put some time into posting this topic. On this i want to commend you. There are a lot of things however that you are seeing to radical.

For one. Neediness is something EVERY HUMAN BEING on this planet has to some extent. Most of us NEED sex, we NEED social life etc. These are all things we need from someone else. IF you want to practice total detachment, i suggest you join the nearest Buddhist order because as far as i know, they are the only people on the planet who are even attempting to reach a state of total detachment. For us mere mortals, such things are not achievable.

The keyword here is 'balance', the road down the middle. You don't have to be bedding hundreds of women to feed you ego, this is unhealthy at best. On the other hand, you don't need to exclude romance and attraction from your life altogether either. These are extremes, and extremes are never healthy to roam around in.

Committing to someone is a big risk. It always has been and always will be. Everyone here who has ever committed to anyone for an extended amount of time knows this. You are after all committing to a person who is less then perfect. They have their flaws (as do you) and those flaws may lead to betrayal and heartbreak. When you commit, you acknowledge and accept this fact. You leap and hope to reach the other side.

It sounds to me as if you are still on the rebound from a bad case of the blues. I'm happy you decided to find your contentment elsewhere, this is very good, you SHOULD. Enjoy your life, create the life you want, grind rock with your bare hands if that's what it takes to achieve it. But also realize that sooner or later you will have to come back down from this. You CAN be a celibate for the rest of your life, if you want to... just make sure it actually makes you HAPPY and it's not driven by fear or phobia (because mostly it IS)...

If you really want to practice detachment, than practive detachment from RESULT. Do not approach women with the idea for it to go anywhere, just enjoy the time you spent with her. The same goes for relationships. Enter a relationship detached from the outcome, maybe it's heartache maybe it's happily ever after, it doesn't matter, enjoy the time together. Remember the good moment, learn from the bad ones. This is a 'technique' you can practise in EVERY aspect of your life. This in no way constitutes that you can't have a 'goal'. You goal can be to make love to a woman, this is fine, just do not cling to that goal...

I think in time, you will look back quite differently on your 'failed' relationship. You will look back at it as a happy experience with alot of learning value... But maybe you just need some more time.

 

[Blue Phoenix]

You are what I call a super "Aw" (In a good sense).

You understand what the ego can do and the rules of the dating game. Exposing your belief system is great.

I disagree with some points, but overall you're correct.

Good post.

Improving yourself IS changing yourself.

 

[Jariel]

Originally posted by Socialreject
I think in time, you will look back quite differently on your 'failed' relationship. You will look back at it as a happy experience with alot of learning value... But maybe you just need some more time.

Time has passed and you are right, I do look back more fondly now. More importantly, I feel I learned a lot from it and it forced me to change my thinking.

This was a recovery period for me - not just from my break up, but from my whole destructive state of mind. I took a month of celibacy and detachment just to help me see how much I can enjoy life and recognise my own value without attention from women.

When I did start entertaining the idea of women and dating again, it was with a new found confidence, no fear or neediness. I also have a lot more dedication towards myself and my ambitions, so in all, I feel just one month of detachment was a very valuable recovery period for me.

 

[Jariel]

Originally posted by Blue Phoenix
You are what I call a super "Aw" (In a good sense).

You understand what the ego can do and the rules of the dating game. Exposing your belief system is great.

I disagree with some points, but overall you're correct.

Good post.

Thanks for the feedback and thanks for pointing out the issues I've been having. I never took offence - I mean, we're here to learn and get input and advice from people and your observations in past posts have brought a lot of my AW issues to my attention.

 

[Sir Don]

Jariel, thanks for an inspiring post. I will take this lesson to heart and focus on being true to myself.