How to be confident without booze?

[Dj Tiesto]

YO.

I was planning to go to a club by myself again.
The deal is, when I don't drink, I always end up sitting and smoking and looking at all the action on the dance floor and basically feeling angry at myself for being soooo afraid to go out there and dance. At the same time, when I drink, I have no problem dancing and talking to chicks in a club.

I really wanna get rid my AFC conduct, therefore I figured that going to a club alone would be a good idea. (That is if I do something)

I would really appreciate some advice if u guys know any techniques that u use. Considering that u understand how I feel.

thx.

 

[drixsa]

i used to feel this way, only when it came to dancing

you need a friends, espically a female one to throw you into the middle of the dance floor after one long night of dancing sober youll be healed

 

[Dj Tiesto]

Its gonna be somewhat hard.

When I'm going with friends its easier for sure.
Like yesterday, I went to a pub with some friends. We went to dance (I was sober). I could dance because I was dancing near my friend; but... there was a group of 5 chicks that was dancing near us. Neither me, nor my friend did anything. I wanted to ask a chick if she wanted to dance, but I just couldn't. I just kep dancing with MYSELF to the beats. When I'm drunk, it becomes much easier. I can talk to chicks that sit around me, talk about anything. Even make jokes with hot waitresses.

I wanna go today, I will have to settle for going alone this time.
But reading some messages about "Going to clubs alone", I see that I won't be the first one to do it. But I think I will be the worst AFC who will do it, know what I mean....

I just don't wanan go home unhappy and depressed like in all other times I used to go alone. I wanna do something.
It is just that I want to do something, but my brain refuses to go out of my comfort zone...

 

[Elimidate]

Pretend you're drunk, it's actually quite amusing when sober!


Also, this may sound stupid to you however, my best advice is to throw on music you like (trance?) and dance so much you'll rip the carpet in your bed room.

Once you hone a few moves, next dance infront of a mirror.

The reason you dance while lit up is because you don't care how you look or what people think right?

Once you're comfortable and know you have the moves, dancing will become natural.

Cheers, Elimidate

 

[Dj Tiesto]

Pretend you're drunk, it's actually quite amusing when sober!

I think I follow this advice today. Not only while dancing, but while talking to chicks. I guess its called "pretend you're confident".

Its not that I dont have moves, it is mainly while dancing with chicks. When I go to after-hours clubs where they play Trance, I can get in the mood right away. There's something special about the music. They dont even sell booze in afters here. And I dont really need it. But regular clubs, where they obviously play R&B and Top 40 is a different story. It is packed with lots of hotties; but the music doesn't move me. But its no secret that most ppl dont go there for their love for the music.

I just wanna have some guts and dance, talk with women while being sober. That is my goal. I wanna get rid of the fear of approaching.

I did some boot camp exercises this week: eye contact+saying HI.
I really need to be more consistent and work on myself. Hopefully, today I will have some courage and finally do something. Just sick of living in this loneliness and feeling like a failure.

 

[Chaos-Knight]

I rarely drink when at the club,
and most of the time I went alone...

Being confident without drinking is easy,
and you don't have to pretend your drunk,
drunk people probably assume you are too...

A few tips:

Posture:
keeping your back straight,head up
no slouching...

eyes:
not being afraid of eye contact,
don't stare at the ground ect...

social proof:
nice to have,I usually didn't have any,
try to meet people there and chat with them,
even better if you have a few ladys in your presence...

dancing:
the only way I'll dance staight or drunk is
for music I like,if you like the song/beat then
you will dance way better...
if you don't like the music you should't dance
cause it will be stiff and off-beat.

Body-guards:
A nice touch if you want to look powerfull,
but I doubt anyone here would have any...
never tried it myself but I'm certain it
would make you look important...
(take this last one as just a creative idea not as fact)

Ya'know I was into clubbing every weekend up till
recently,now I feel bored of the whole club scene.
Some of my biggest crash and burns happined at clubs,
it made me stronger.

I must persue Fun and happiness and clubs just
don't do it for me.So I'm taking a break from it,
and I'm seeking out a FB...

Good-luck to you club goers,there's likely alot more
good looking girls at your local clubs then mine...

Chaos~

 

[becker]

One simple solution, don't go to these types of places to meet women. They're all b*tches there anyways. Go to a college campus/library or something; those women are usually better IMO.

 

[Dj Tiesto]

Chaos-Knight,
Thnx for some good advices.

It is funny, but when I dance, I stare at the ground most of the time. Eye contact is something I try to do more often.
Guess its all about being confident...
It is good to know that there are some ppl who go to clubs alone and think its ok. Most ppl I talk/chat to find it really weird to go without friends, especially girls.

One simple solution, don't go to these types of places to meet women. They're all b*tches there anyways. Go to a college campus/library or something; those women are usually better IMO.

becker, I know exactly what u mean. What u said is the only thing that stopes me from going every weekend. I have to agree that most women who go to clubs are really confident and some are snobish. They are used to guys hitting on them=they have no problem rejecting guys. They dress like sluts and they do it cuz they want to attract guys and show off to their other female friends.

Damn, I've seen so many guys get rejected. There was this one guy who showed some girl the finger cuz she didnt want to dance with him. Most guys just continue to dance around the girl for like a minute or so, but then change location and NEXT her I guess. I've seen many guys who jsut stand in the corner and miss all the action while it so ombious that they want a part of it...

I think the only reason that I go is cuz of the environment. I mean ppl are allowed to screw up in the club, they are allowed to get rejected. Sounds lame, I know..
What I mean is that the whole idea of the club is to create a battlefield for the two sexes. In the library it is different, its much more real...

I mean in a club u can do stupid things, no one can blame u, u can always say ur drunk and most ppl will notice u r drunk.

Whatever, I went way beyond topic.
I guess that I'm going to be remined that I look OK and that there is some chick in this world who wants me. Yeah, sounds
fu(cking stupid, I know.
Just if I won't go, I'll just stay home and think that my life is msierable and I'm too afraid to take risks and my life is passing b4 my eyes.

My only hope is taking those risks and doing something to improve my life. Club seems like a good start to gain some confidence and a good place to try various techniques with women.

So I guess I'd be getting ready to go.
If something worthy of a field report will take place, I'dbe sure to post about it. Hopefully, something will...

 

[duke007]

I had a Red Bull before going to a club with friends that will only approach when drunk. This helped a bit, and being in the company of drunk guys made it easier to act drunk.

My drunk friend knew I was sober so jokingly told these girls that I'd had too much to drink. They believed him.

Then I said, "No no! I'm just outgoing!" and they laughed as if I was trying to hide my drunkenness.

But i find it a chore to dance sober to anything other than punk and ska

 

[becker]

That's the thing I hate about clubs, all the girls there have attitudes, but probably worse for me is that none of them are really LTR material, and if they get attached in any way, you'll likely want to get away from them anyways.

Remember, you need to put yourself under the gun sometimes so that you won't rely on that type of atmosphere to get women. You know you're pretty confident when you can talk to women without the alcohol or fear of rejection.

 

[squirrels]

Nevertheless...a lot of these girls are LOOKING for guys. They may seem snobbish, but the bottom line is they wouldn't BE there if they weren't looking for that one true master Alpha Male who could sweep them off their feet.

I don't know how to be that. :\

I go out and dance, just try to work my hips to the beat and groove/bounce out there...nothing crazy, just me enjoying myself. Sometimes I get noticed...other times I get none.

But I see them, the hotties out there who look unapproachable, but always end up going home with some "stud".

I want to be that "stud," and I KNOW somewhere I MUST have what it takes to be that "stud." I just don't know how to bring it out.

Any ideas? Any of the experienced club-players?

 

[Dj Tiesto]

I just came back from the club.
Staid there for like 60-70 mins. I saw I couldn'tmake any approaches while being sober (I decided that I won't drink booze,although like 80% of the ppl were drinking). Sat, looked at the ppl, tried to dancea little bit without any luck, smoked some cigs, examined the situation,decided that Im a pathetic loserand left just in time to take the last subway home.
Highlights of the night:
-Some guy approached me and started talking to meand askingme questions about the club and so on. He then asked me how r the girls here.He asked me what type of girls I like,he then said that hes gonna look around and if he finds some girls he will find me. I guess I should have went with him cuz he was also alone.
- A group of girls asked me to take their group picture.

Yeah, thats about it. As u all can see I'm becoming a fu(cking DJ.

I remember sitting near chicks in on the sofaand thinking about stuff I could say: "R U having fun?"or "do u like the club?"
But yeah. obviously not having the guts to do it.
Thout alot about photo 1's posts about the fact that life is short and I can die tomorrow and still, COULDN'T DO SHlT.

My life is full of missed opportunites. I can't accept this kind of life.
I can't accpet being 21 and acting like a pu$$y.
At the same time, it seems more and more that I CANNOT
FU(CKING CHANGE. There is like a mental barrier that prevents me from approaching ppl.

FU(K THIS LIFE!!!

sorry, just had to rant....

 

[AMF]

Squirrels,

I notice your undergoing some serious soul searchin right now (tryin to hijack this thread, haha.. maybe I should post this on your thread) and thought Id let ya know I feel the same way.

I describe the problem as inconsitency, some nights im noticed, i feel attractive, i feel confident. More often tho, Im none of these things. You know how i feel? The highs are high but the lows are lower.

But Ive realised that when we're happy we smile and laugh more, we're more animated. And so we are naturally more attractive, get more attention, have more confidence, and keep happy. Its a happy vicious circle. But when were unhappy (or tired) for whatever reason, we get more unhappy because the attention is so much less. The rich get richer; the happy get happier.

What Im sayin is that we need to get that happiness FIRST. Or at least work out how to look happy. Then the attention - and the confidence - will come naturally. I notice you said you "keep going out." Dont "keep" going out. If your going out but are tired or dont really feel like it, the chances are youll only damage your confidence for the NEXT night when you WILL be more alert, prepared and more up for it.

Basically what Im sayin is dont run yourself down. Save yourself. Its quality, not quantity

Hope this helps.

 

[becker]

To me, the key here for people who are having a hard time approaching is to get away from the club/bar scene. First off, these arenas are usually for the more experienced people, since it is like going straight into the lion's den to look for the lion. This is why I suggested more tame areas where you can at least practice a little more before jumping into the most difficult place. What may happen is that you may not even want to go to those places to look for women since you'll probably find that there are plenty of other types of places you can go that have just as many single hot women. Don't follow the crowd.

To this date, I have never dated a girl that I've met in a club because I'm just not interested in that type. I like doing other things besides dancing; actually, I hate dancing, as do most guys I know. Many do it because they think that's what they're supposed to do. Sort of like someone who listens to the pop music vs. a guy who likes strictly alternative. I like sports, and being outdoors, so I'm going to go to find women of my type in places where these activities are done. Likely then I will at least have something in common with her from the start, which makes it easier. I recommend that if you have some interests, do that, and I promise you'll find women much easier that way. There's no rule that the only place to find single women are in clubs and bars. To me, those places are so cliche, and if you're creative enough, you'll find better places to look.

I also think that the reason you're having problems approaching is because you care too much about what other people think about you. I know a guy right now that is just like that. Can't seem to even talk to people sometimes because he is afraid that they might react the wrong way or in a way that he doesn't want. The key here is to not give a sh!t. Be your own person and still be outgoing and charismatic to everyone, but don't fear the consequences of your actions. I will always fly by the seat of my pants when I talk to people, and sometimes I get a rise out of people just for the heck of it, and my attitude is that they should find someone else to hang out with besides me if it bothers them so much.

 

[Dj Tiesto]

becker,
Yeah, I guess u were right.
Maybe the club is a stupid idea for someone like me, who never really approached a chick in his whole fu(king life.
Judging from yesterday, most chicks that go to clubs seem very slutty and overly confident. One thingis for sure tho, I'm not going alone to a club...

I'm really searchin for some other places to interact/approach chicks. Maybe the library of some college, maybe I should join some club, cuz I do have many interests.

To tell u the truth, what stopped me from talking to chicks in the club yesterday was just lack of expirience. I mean, here she is, sitting besides me... it would only be friendly to start talking to her.
But... the more I thought about it, the more I gave in to the fear and let him win. I'm not really scared of rejection, I was never really rejected cuz I've never made any approaches, u know..

Well, life must go on. I need to examine some other venues to do approaches, thats it. I guess there's no point in being depressed about the bad clubbing expirience. Especially since many ppl say that doing approaches in a club does require expirience and more confidence, which for now, I don't really possess.

 

[squirrels]

If there's a place where there are "just as many hot girls" as at a club, I haven't seen it.

People say this, and they say stuff like, "Go to bookstores/coffee shops/blah blah blah.

When you go to those places, you're LUCKY if you see ONE hot girl.

I mean, if you live in the city, there are more people, and naturally are more women. But outside of that environment, attractive women are rare, and if you go to places like malls or bookstores, most of them are high-school girls, because all the over 21 hot women are in bars and clubs.

The only place I ever see hot, AVAILABLE women is in the gym, and I don't try to pick up girls in the gym...just on principle. They've got every other guy in there trying to flirt with them. :\

 

[Microphone Fiend]

Why didn't you try PU chicks with the guy in the bar. Both of you had the same intentions, he was alone too so y'all could've played off of each other.

A girl comes up to you and asks you to take their pic.Put youself in their shoes. Would you ask the fat chick in the corner or would you ask the good looking girl by herself? They opened you and you didn't run with it.

Not many people come up and say "hey you wanna go score some chicks with me" or "Come talk with me and my friends" you have to read between the lines and fill in the blanks. You will be wrong sometimes on reading between the lines but you won't know until you try.

 

[becker]

Originally posted by squirrels
If there's a place where there are "just as many hot girls" as at a club, I haven't seen it.

People say this, and they say stuff like, "Go to bookstores/coffee shops/blah blah blah.

When you go to those places, you're LUCKY if you see ONE hot girl.

I mean, if you live in the city, there are more people, and naturally are more women. But outside of that environment, attractive women are rare, and if you go to places like malls or bookstores, most of them are high-school girls, because all the over 21 hot women are in bars and clubs.

I agree that clubs have a lot of good-looking women, but again, it all depends on taste. If you like those types of women, then that's where you need to go. However, to me, those are a dime a dozen. I like looking for the rare gem. I don't want a girl that looks like all the other girls out there. No HB7s, I'm in search of the elusive HB9 or 10. I've seen plenty of hot women at the mall or even in the library. They're just not all grouped together with their b*tch shields blazing. I also don't like hitting on women, I like just talking to them and making them want to be around ME instead. I've also seen plenty of girls above high-school age in malls, especially if you go on the weekends.

The best place I feel, however, is on college campuses, during the day. There are way more hot women at that time there than in a nighclub at night.

 

[iqqi]

Originally posted by Dj Tiesto

I remember sitting near chicks in on the sofaand thinking about stuff I could say: "R U having fun?"or "do u like the club?"

hmmmm....you need to discover ****y + funny!!!! do a search under fingers, under tips. lesson 15, i think. also just search George GOrDon (my alter ego), his responses are always ****y as hell, therefor funny. -yes, !GG!, we are all laughing AT you, not with you

 

[Dj Tiesto]

Microphone Fiend,
I know, it sux big time. I thought to myself "damn, this guy has some confidence cuz he approached me and really asked me if I wanna go with him to pick up chicks". I just talked to him like any usual guy, I basically didn't show any interest..
It's the fu(king 3rd time already that a guy approaches me at a club and proposes to go pick up chicks.

About the group photo thingy, I'm really not sure if they tried to make a move on me. I mean when I took the photo, they all thanked me, and its true, there were other ppl to ask from.
I just stood there on the side near the bar and watched them dance. Even the barmaid asked me if I'm ok, guess I looked kind of depressed, or maybe she was just trying to be nice so I would buy some drinks.

iqqi,
I think Imstill far from implementing the DJ techniques. I can't even break the ice. Even asking a question like "Hey, how much did ur beer cost u" requires some thinking and preparation.

Anyway, I can bltch endlessly about my freakin life.
It is time to accept the fact that no posts or advices can help me this time. I just need to do it by myself. I have to realize that I need to find the courage to act, and it is within me, same as it is within all of us human beings..
I just hope I find it b4 I lose my mind from despair.