How My Belief system and life were destroyed. PLEASE HELP

[dalton]

I was with this girl for 2 years, for eight months she was my fiancée. We were both madly in love and were planning to have kids. Then on the day before our two year anniversary, she called me crying and said it wasn’t working out. This confused me greatly and destroyed my beliefs about the man I was, it brought out a lot of insecurities. I would appreciate the advice of anyone on this forum who could look at this situation from the outside and provide me with their thoughts.

Firstly a little of background. I am a Christian and my ex was a Muslim. I am not a weak man, and have lead all of my relationships. I don’t supplicate to women.
I am mixed race, half Brazilian and have English, I am 6’2 and used to model for Armani, I currently work at an investment bank and financially do quite well. Please do not take this as being ostentatious I am just trying to provide you with a frame.

My girl was 22 years old, I am 24, she comes from an Islamic family that is very strict. Her mum and dad do not love each other yet stay together for the sake of the family. Her mom is also terminally ill and has about 1 year left. Her and I were madly in over from day one, she was smart, funny, laid back, financially independent and not demanding. The course of our relation I treated her very well, but was never weak. For 2 years she cooked my dinner Ironed my clothes and did the grocery shopping for my flat.( she still lives with her parents) …on Christmas she snuck out of the house and we went to Disneyland together. Fast forward…

One night we were making love after us both cooking dinner at my place. Everything was great. I drove her home at about 12 oclock am. At about 9 oclock the following day I got a call from her crying, she said it would not work out and that we had no future. This is a girl who I had been through so much with, My parents divorce, and ABORTION..and all of a sudden this out of the blue. I spoke with her that night and she cried for a couple of hours. I then just said whatever and went to bed.

The next day I went past her office to speak about this situation face to face. How can a woman break up with me on the phone after two years!!!!!!!!!!!11 Anyway she started to cry when I saw her, and was very sad. We spoke and she said the reason was that she did not want to disappoint her family and especially her mum who was ill, because they would not approve of me. WE kissed and she said she loved me. I let with no resolution.

1 month later and I still had not contacted her. I then called her to ask for directions to a hospital as I had cut my self badly. Rather than give me directions she walked to my place 25 minutes in the rain and took me to the doc. She sat on my lap and told me how much she missed me. We kissed again and she almost cried.

I then did not speak to her for two week, and had the intention of never speaking to her again. However on the way to work yesterday we saw each other on the underground. We got off together and talked she grabbed me and said she missed me. There was a lot of heavy flirting and touching between both of us and I could see when I looked at her she still loves me. I walked her too work (we work ten minutes walk away from each other) and we kissed again on the cheek. She said I should call her ( I had been ignoring her attempts to make contact until now, She had tried to text me or call me but I did not reply to ANY of them)

I still love this girl but I don t want to go through all of this again. It destroyed all of my beliefs about men/ women and attraction.

I f i dont contact her, will she get over me...

Please help. Your advise would be invaluable.

Thank you

 

[MANG]

This is extremely confusing. You need to talk to her, I know you want to move on, but In my opinion i'd give it another shot. If she dumps you again believe me it won't be that bad

 

[dalton]

thanks for the reply mang..

How do I go about doing it.. I want to, believe me.

I sent her an email this morning, we flirted a little bit.

I said we should make a plan sometime. I told her that she has my number so she should make her fingers useful and call it. She sent one back saying and i qoute ' why dont I start using my fingers' and that her phone only accepts incoming calls, obviosly trying to be funny.

What do you guys suggest.

 

[Bible_Belt]

These are not average ordinary circumstances, you have an unusual situation. You need to chill out about the 'destroying my beliefs' thing. You're only 24; that's not an age that you're supposed to have women figured out. Women come and go, and it's really no big deal. That sums up my beliefs pretty well.

Pleasing the family is very important in Muslim culture, as you are seeing. I would bet that her dying mom was guilt tripping her into marrying a good Muslim. In the situation she is in, she has to choose between you and pleasing her family. I think you could win that battle, but mom dying makes that hard.

Muslim women leave their families when they get married. It's been that way forever, hundreds of years of tradition at work here. Until you marry that girl, her family is going to own her, and you are going to fit into her life only when she has time away from them. What she wants is for you to rescue her in dramatic fashion and sweep her away with a ring.

But the question is if you really want that. You mention an abortion, obviously you two were not ready for a child. Do you think you are ready for marriage? If not, you have to let this girl go and move on. You have a lot to offer and will have no problem meeting other girls. If you try to stay with this one, you will have to marry her very soon.




edit due to 10 post rule, re: HOW DO I FIX THIS!!!!???


Unfortunately, my friend, I don't think you can. I am guessing that her family is never going to accept you, no matter what. Even if you converted to Islam, followed all the dogma, and kissed their asses night and day, I think that you would still never be good enough for them. She has to choose between her family and you. That is what you must demand of her. Don't go sucking up to people who don't like you already and have tried to ruin your relationship with her. Anyone who does not like you for something that is no fault of your own or who just generally thinks of themself as superior can go to hell. In my opinion, that is a Christian belief.

Women do choose men over their families all the time. My own mom did, she snuck out of her bedroom window and eloped on her 18th birthday with a man her parents hated and still do. But you have both religion and culture working against you, so the odds are not good. Women have been property in their culture for 30,000 years; it was that way long before Mohammad. Despite all of that, you have to stand firm with her that it is either you or them; as her man you have to demand to be a higher priority in her life than her family. She does not love you enough unless you are.

I was married stockbroker at age 23. I thought I was old and grown-up. The truth is that you are just getting started, and many things will seem very different in about ten years. When I was 23, I still thought that love was forever and all kinds of AFC crap that only leads to misery. If you are Mr Armani model with a good job, then I am guessing that woman have always come pretty easily for you. I bet it was never very hard. All that did was delay for you the process of growing up from AFC to DJ, from boy to man, and realizing important life lessons: women are replaceable, love comes and goes, and the woman who is right for you will be the one who works the hardest to be with you and make you happy.

Up until fairly recently, if I got dumped by a girl, I would chase after her. Now I know that is wrong, and I'll never do that again. If any woman ever even hints at ending our relationship, I will cut her off by pointing out the nearest door and suggesting she use it. Sometimes they get mad and leave, but usually they come back. If they don't, I get another one, no big deal. That is the only way to live.

As much as your girl loves you, she does not love you more than the idea of making her family happy. The woman who is worthy of you will put you first. Right now, that is not her. Do not sacrifice yourself in an attempt to get her; you'll only end up miserable. Stand firm in who you are and believe that you are worth being number one in your woman's life. There about a million women out there who are desperate to date you; this is her loss, not yours.

 

[Jeffst1980]

This probably less a reflection of you than her trying to sort out her life. I don't think low IL has anything to do with it.

Her mom being ill, the abortion, etc. are all very serious things that have no doubt affected her in profound ways. She obviously has reservations about the marriage that aren't going to go away.

Sometimes you can do everything right and STILL lose the girl...that's just life. It shouldn't shatter your belief system. Some people here believe that being a DJ enables you to have fail-proof relationships--that's not really the point. It's more about bringing out the best in yourself so that you can accurately evaluate and then filter out prospects. Rest assured that external forces, especially the ones in this situation, can damage ANY relationship. Don't feel responsible for this. You're young and it sounds like you're capable of getting girls very easily, and like everything else, this, too, shall pass.


I would definitely sit down and have a talk with her--not to try to get her back, but to get some kind of closure on the situation so that you can move on. She owes you an explanation for her actions. It may be as simple as she loves you but is not ready to marry.

This is a tough situation and I wish you the best of luck.

 

[dalton]

hey

 

[dalton]

I did....

Thank you all for the replies, they are much appreciated. Bible belt, and Jeffst your replies were especially encouraging.

Although I appreciate all feedback, the comment on interest level I believe is irrelevant( I was formerly of the belief that interest level dictated how the relationship would function, however as I got more adept with women throughout the years, I realised that just being a man and completely congruent with who you are) is the only thing needed to keep a women interested. I will elaborate. If am woman were to call me and I was genuinely busy, I would not answer the phone, if she asked me to do something for her and I wanted too, I would. I don’t believe in pretending. Anyway before I detract too far.

I mean when a woman breaks up with you out of the blue( in unusual circumstances), your ego takes a massive hit, and you immediately start looking for a rebound to validate who you are.

This is what I did, I live in London so it is very multicultural and I have met some very interesting women. However the altercation is still always in the back of my mind.

Bible belt your understanding on Muslim culture is spot on, and opened my eyes to things I previously overlooked, and you are right the whole family including her brothers guilt tripped her I know this because it happened throughout our relationship. They blamed her for her mother condition, saying that because she was sneaking around it was making things worse. (Note her family never ever met me, they always just assumed that she was seeing someone, the only person who new for definite that we were together, was her younger sister, who was sweetie.

I did/and do want to marry her. When she broke up with me. I suggested to her that I would convert to Islam (remember I am a Christian) Please don’t look at this as being weak. I would never change who I am for anyone, however I also believe that I would rather regret something I did than something I didn’t do. And she proved to me consistently for two years that she was worth it. Upon my suggesting this, she started to cry and said that she loved me more than anything and that she would never find someone like me. ( Her previous boyfriends were little want to be thugs and pretend badboys, all of whom had 0 capital, no stability, no ambition, nothing to offer but fake bravado. Anyway she then said that it still would not work because I am not Asian Indian.( there is nothing I can do about this one, A leopard cant change his spots) So I asked her what she wanted to do, and she says asked me If I think being friends would work. I said to her that friends between too people who are attracted to each other and have been in love for two years, is a naïve notion, ultimately not possible. So she said she will have to make her family happy and marry some 30 something year old Muslim , Asian man who her family pick for her.


THIS BREAKS MY HEART, FORCED MARRIAGE. ICANT IMAGINE HER MAKING LOVE TO SOMEONE WHO SHE IS FORCED TO BE WITH, IN MY HEAD ITS ALMOST LIKE RAPE!!!!!!!

How does she not realise that in a couple of years her family will be gone and her happiness will rest on nothing.

I want the best for her, and admire her resolve in choosing her family. However I am the man for her. I truly believe that if I were to sit down with her family and have a conversation about my intentions and feelings, there might actually be some light at the end of the tunnel. I suggested this to her, however she said that they would probably disown her. Interesting note (After we broke up her family found out about the abortion, and her mum threatened to kill herself)

WTF…!!!!!!!!!!

I apologise for the length of this post however due to the favourable responses I have had so far, I would like to pick your brains a little more.

HOW DO I FIX THIS!!!!???

 

[Mavrick]

Man, you're doing it to yourself. She's not doing it. She's confused, but she has already stated exactly what will happen. It will not work.

I think that every time that you allow her to do these indecisive acts towards you, you're only hurting yourself. You really need to put your foot down, but not for her benefit. Do it for your own benefit.

I generally don't talk to people who mistreat me, and it's a good practice because it keeps me from being brought down. It sucks when someone keeps you on a string and plays with you like a yo-yo. Maybe she's not toying with your emotions on purpose because she's confused, but that makes no difference because it's YOUR emotions that it's screwing with. Whether it's intended or not, you'll have to be a man in the situation. Tell her that enough is enough.

I wouldn't want you or my worst enemy to be stuck on someone that acts like this. Sure she may be sweet and nice, but she's only 22, and she lives with her family and acts like she's 16.

Move on and find a mature woman. Better yet, find many women so you won't feel this way again. It's hard for a woman to play with a man like a yo-yo if he's got more than just her.

Also, this crap you have in your mind about being in love and what not, it's a delusion. You made this crap up in your mind and made it out to be true. "She agrees and reciprocated, so she must be the one". There is no "one". You are the one you should be in love with, and when you do, there is no way you'll every be a woman's yo-yo. She won't do it again if you put your foot down. No woman will treat you disrespectfully if she knows that she can't.

Squashing this woman's indecisiveness will do one of two things. Either, she'll straighten up and fly right, and she'll stop her whining, or she will go away. Either way you're better off, and that's all you need to be worried about in this situation. You only need to be worried about what's best for you, and if you really do love yourself, you won't have any problem doing what I'm telling you is right.