How do you get rid of a BPD woman?

[Bible_Belt]

Drinking, many failed relationships, many different jobs, strange stories about her past, changed her hair style and color many times, could go from one hobby to the next like the drop of a hat and never revisit the old one again.

Yep, all of that exactly, plus the total slut thing, says 'I love you' the first week. It's fascinating how they are all crazy in the same way.

Since, I've learned to elicit some crazy sex from "normal" women. But it's never quite up to the sexual frenzy of the BPD chick.

Yep. Same here. It was like having a $500/hr call girl. She would do anything all the time and love it. Crazy people are good in bed. That must be how the crazy genes have survived all of these years.

 

[aliasguy]

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And you know what SUCKS????---> like 5% of women --- ONE in TWENTY --- have this sh*t.
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[Knight's Cross]

Laughing here,
You guys at least had great sex. Me, well my BPD used it as a control tool. She did give it up early in the relationship. However she had issues there. I think she hated that men wanted sex, always said things like thats all a man wants..
Anyway she was (ok) in the sack, but it was always on her terms. She would give it up and keep score on our sex life. It was almost like a damn contest to see if she could get me off, totally a control freak about positions, or timing, or whatever. Complaining about this or that....was just weird. Like she would say things like..."No not tonight, I don't want to get pregnant..." What BS I should have sent her a#$ home on that occasion.
Again it was a control tool. I don't think she really embraced her sexuality as enjoyable. Like we weren't supposed to be doing that since we weren't married. Made me realize that if I did get hitched to her that the bedroom wasn't going to get any better. Ohh yeah she had issues with me having a subscrip to Playboy... said that any husband of hers wasn't going to have that kind of stuff. Well no sh$t, maybe if she was better in bed I wouldn't have Playboy right?
KC

 

[aliasguy]

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Jophil wrote:

"One of the most tragic of life's scenarios is a woman with active BPD being pursued by a smitten man who only wants to love her."


This is so true, and so SAD. A man could be damn near PERFECT, and she WILL not be able to accept what he can do for her.

And, if he lets her, she will destroy him. Tragic.





Knight wrote:

"That and I know I CANNOT FIX HER. I don't want to."

At that BPD support site, they have a saying: "You didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't fix it."

It's a hopeless problem, and more common than one might think.

It will defeat ANY DJ/sosuave tactics and/or attitudes. This is a no-win deal.

Bummer.

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[cordoncordon]

I visited that BPD support site and message board many many times when i was with my BPD girl.

 

[feelingloved]

Wow. Fascinating stories here.

LOL at quote "Crazy people are good in bed. That must be how the crazy genes have survived all of these years."

I think that all women have BPD to a degree. Its just a sliding scale.

I'd been feeling down about my recent break up. (her not calling). But I guess thats something to be grateful for, compared to the separations you guys are having. I can see many of the qualities you all described in her, expressed to a minor degree. Maybe I got off lucky. I will dwell on that healing thought.

 

[Bible_Belt]

yo, feelingloved. Good to see you.

Tonight the drama is unfolding. (Penkitten is coaching me on this one, btw, thank you PK!) My "gf"'s baby daddy just spent the holiday with her, and changed his myspace rel status to "in a rel" from single when he got back, but I am still getting messages from the gf pretending to still be with me. This is a hoot. And I leave for Vegas for the weekend in a few hours, so I don't know how to leave her if she calls me. I might let her think I don't know for now (remember I have another girl). I know that guy does not do it for her, so I think I can still play it so that she sneaks away from him to cheat with me. I miss the crazy-girl sex. It is fvcking amazing.

 

[aliasguy]

yo, feelingloved. Good to see you.

Tonight the drama is unfolding. (Penkitten is coaching me on this one, btw, thank you PK!) My "gf"'s baby daddy just spent the holiday with her, and changed his myspace rel status to "in a rel" from single when he got back, but I am still getting messages from the gf pretending to still be with me. This is a hoot. And I leave for Vegas for the weekend in a few hours, so I don't know how to leave her if she calls me. I might let her think I don't know for now (remember I have another girl). I know that guy does not do it for her, so I think I can still play it so that she sneaks away from him to cheat with me. I miss the crazy-girl sex. It is fvcking amazing.

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Duck the drama and just use her up, BB.

Keep your mouth shut, be cool, and circumspectly let her know that you're "cool" with whatever she wants to do on the side. Don't come at it directly, though.

Don't even LOOK at his myspace anymore. Or hers. It will f*ck up your game with her if you know what she's up to. Just assume she's screwing EVERYONE -- and that's likely the case. And then take what you want.

She will NEVER be yours, but you already know that..... so just have fun.

Don't think about it. At all. Consider her LOST to you, in reality.

Just enjoy the "frenzy." Have fun.

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[Luveno]

Hello Knights Cross.

I've only read your message. I did not have time to read any of the replies.

If the girl in question has been diagnosed with BPD, you must understand that she craves attention and will try to get it even if it causes her harm. This is why many women with BPD cut themselves.

Considering this, you would think that taking any active role in getting her to stop contacting her would only fuel her unhealthy need for attention. Calling the police would only make her feel like her actions were working - they got you to do something.

So, the right thing to do in this case is to completely ignore her. She should no longer exist to you.

She will eventually get bored and move on, or on the other side of the coin she'll try to commit suicide to get your attention (which you should not supply).

Good luck.

 

[KontrollerX]

"So she wants to know if I'm with someone else, and then tried to play on my emotions...
Again, its very clear now. Today being a day for thanksgiving I appreciate alot, but I really appreciate the members of SS. You guys have helped me unplug and take care of myself."

Always remember when you get down that people like us and your real life friends actually care about you more than she ever will or can.

Our words mean something.

Her's are empty.

And like others have said its not because she is evil, she sadly just can't help it.

She doesn't even love herself.

"I have had numerous psychiatrists tell me BPD is the one disorder they are actually scared of. It is untreatable."

They are wrong or misinformed.

There is a new treatment available that has had considerable success in the treatment of BPD women.

Its called dialectical behavioural therapy otherwise known as DBT.

To treat the other Cluster B people such as the Histrionics and the Narcissists therapists use Cognitive Behavioural Therapy which used to be used and probably still is used on BPD's with limited success for therapists who don't know about or haven't been trained in the use of DBT.

 

[aliasguy]

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Kontroller wrote:

"She doesn't even love herself."

This might be the most important thing to remember in this whole deal. She sure as HELL doesn't love YOU. Not because you're not lovable, but because she simply CAN'T. It isn't her FAULT, but you gotta open your EYES.






Additionally, as far as "DBT" goes, it only works on those who recognize that they HAVE BPD, and accept that this is a PROBLEM for themselves, and others in their lives. This subset is a vanishingly SMALL minority of those with BPD. MOST are unable to see ANY "problem," and , of those who are, VERY few are able to recognize that THEY THEMSELVES have a problem --- they almost always are interested in accusing or labeling OTHERS.


Don't hang your hat on DBT ---- a scant few BPDs will avail themselves of it, and only SOME of those who DO will benefit.


BPD is essentially HOPELESS, for all intents and purposes, in the "real world."

I'll say again -- "RUN" if you suspect or know it's there.

It is TRUE that many/most therapists simply WILL NOT see known BPDs, nor will they consider them "curable."

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[KontrollerX]

Oh I definitely know its not cureable aliasguy.

From a psychiatrist I've talked to I've found out none of the Cluster B Personality Disorders are cureable since it is the person's entire personality unfortunately like our personalities are our own and can't be thrown away entirely no matter what we would do if we wanted to destroy our very personality.

Its just that as being a former moderator of one of these forums on Cluster B I've learned a great deal about all of this and people here on Sosuave should know for some sense of comfort that the person they loved can be helped but definitely they should not go play captain save a ho because thats an AFC thing to do and DBT is not a 100% full proof cure and a DJ should only persue a woman thats going to lift him up not tear him down and be one big problem for him to solve. A DJ should strive to find a woman thats as close to his equal as possible in mental health and interest and any other area where he deems this important.

Anyway though Sosuavers who've dealt with these should know there is treatment for these people that can be very effective and they aren't totally hopeless but yeah as with anyone normal or disordered you have to want to be helped and know you have a problem to think it needs solving before any good can be done.

Absolutely agree with you there.

Some BPD's know they have something wrong with them and some don't.

I think most of them if they are ever going to figure out something is off it comes to them later in life sadly.

Sooner if their family is very loving and absolutely determined to help them get as well as they possibly can.

 

[aliasguy]

Oh I definitely know its not cureable aliasguy.

From a psychiatrist I've talked to I've found out none of the Cluster B Personality Disorders are cureable since it is the person's entire personality unfortunately like our personalities are our own and can't be thrown away entirely no matter what we would do if we wanted to destroy our very personality.

Its just that as being a former moderator of one of these forums on Cluster B I've learned a great deal about all of this and people here on Sosuave should know for some sense of comfort that the person they loved can be helped but definitely they should not go play captain save a ho because thats an AFC thing to do and DBT is not a 100% full proof cure and a DJ should only persue a woman thats going to lift him up not tear him down and be one big problem for him to solve. A DJ should strive to find a woman thats as close to his equal as possible in mental health and interest and any other area where he deems this important.

Anyway though Sosuavers who've dealt with these should know there is treatment for these people that can be very effective and they aren't totally hopeless but yeah as with anyone normal or disordered you have to want to be helped and know you have a problem to think it needs solving before any good can be done.

Absolutely agree with you there.

Some BPD's know they have something wrong with them and some don't.

I think most of them if they are ever going to figure out something is off it comes to them later in life sadly.

Sooner if their family is very loving and absolutely determined to help them get as well as they possibly can.

I get you, K.

You know about this. I understand what you mean now.

It's so sad for these folks, huh? (even my ex, who hurt me and my kids so bad --- but i still feel bad for her because of this....)

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[Bible_Belt]

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Duck the drama and just use her up, BB.

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She told me that she knew that she loved her last bf when she saw the marks he left on her by tying her up and beating her with a belt. When I get back next week, I'm going to tell her that if she comes back, I'm going to treat her rough, say things no one has ever said to her... and beat the crap out of her in the bedroom, leaving all kinds of marks that she can have fun hiding from the other guy. The wh0re is going to love it. I think both of us will. I have just the perfect belt...

 

[Knight's Cross]

All,
After visiting that support site and checking the resources, yes while my ex wasn't diagnosed, I'd swear on a stack of bibles...she met 8 of the 9 criterea for a clinical diagnosis of BPD.
I never saw her self mutilate, or witnessed that type behavior. What I did see was wreckless driving. She also used suicide threats to manipulate me. She had hypervigilance on some areas, and the one top of the list area that got me was her ability to deflect blame. She RARELY ever accepted responsibility. I saw several occasions where she would blame her outbursts on someone else. Once she blew up at me for something that was completely uncalled for. I told her that I didn't accept her behavior, and walked away. 2 days later she called and said," everyone should be calm now that she'd given it a couple days". That was her M.O. She would explode then think that time was the solution. I always felt that her apologies for anything were just hollow. There wasn't any warmth to them.
Her relationship with her family was weird too. In hindsight I wonder if the reason she didn't allow me into that world was a fear that I'd figure her game out even more. On 2 of the occasions we did spend time with them, I saw strained emotion at best. Once we left spending the day with them with ex angry. Another time while I had a conversation with her sister, the sister told me that if "ex" didn't get her way, everyone was going to feel the pain.
Thank you guys so much for showing me what I was in. OK now its my turn. BBelt I hope to heck that you are kidding about this girl. It sounds like you are. If its not, it sounds like the most unhealthy thing I can think of. Some of the best advice I've read so far in this thread was from:
K-X,"
a DJ should only persue a woman thats going to lift him up not tear him down and be one big problem for him to solve. A DJ should strive to find a woman thats as close to his equal as possible in mental health and interest and any other area where he deems this important.

KC

 

[Mr.Positive]

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I'll say again -- "RUN" if you suspect or know it's there.

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Great thread, a lot of wonderful insight everyone. I'm not sure if this is the best thread to ask this question, but a lot of the behaviors pointed out for cluster B women seem to be noticable after the relationship has evolved into something, ie the need to 'get out' of the situation with her becomes important.

My question is, what sort of behaviors can we look for before getting involved? Is there any signs/symptoms, ie telltales, that we can pick up on to avoid these types of women to begin with?

 

[KontrollerX]

"My question is, what sort of behaviors can we look for before getting involved? Is there any signs/symptoms, ie telltales, that we can pick up on to avoid these types of women to begin with?"

Of the Cluster B women with the exception of the sociopath (who is the ultimate human predator and chameleon) they all give signs that you can look out for and yes some of the signs can apply to normal women as well but remember why these are personality disorders called "cluster b" and that is they are a cluster of symptoms.

The things to watch out for have been posted in most of the red flag lists on this site but I'll go through a few that are very common of Histrionics, Borderlines and Narcissists...

1. You are the most wonderful person she's ever met but she's only known you for 5 whole minutes!
2. Nobody understands her like you do.
3. She always seems to somehow command the attention in a room either by her behaviours or looks or both ie talking louder than necessary or being dressed phenomenally all the time with well utilized makeup.
4. Is very interesting to talk to initially but when you get more interested because of this apparent depth and start saying clever things thinking you are interacting with a clever human being they go right over her head and she deftly moves the conversation to something more simple for her immature brain to understand. Not insulting them by saying this but its true that they are half child half adult in their personalitys. They pick up whatever clever phrase or thing they say to you from the genuinely clever people they interact with. She'll even use your clever phrases in conversations with her next victim since they assimilate personality's of others due to lacking a strong sense of their own personality and self.
5. Confides something deeply personal real or imagined thats happened to her almost immediately without even really knowing you. This is done to evoke the captain save a ho response in caring men and also to command attention though this is typically outside the awareness of all cluster b save for the sociopathic female who knows exactly what she's doing.

 

[Knight's Cross]

Positive,
1) Had I been spinning multiple plates at the time I met her, that would have given me perspective. I would have seen her controlling behavior sooner, and bailed.
2) They are very manipulative. They'll use sex, guilt, shame, and anything else that they know will push your buttons to get you to stay after the first time they do something stupid and you walk clear. In my case she would pull stupid stunts (lies, disrespect, etc.) Then when I call her on it and boundary her, she'd use guilt. I recall her saying that,"All guys leave me". Twice I recall her using suicide threats. She stated that she was going to blow her brains out...that nobody cared about her.
So in retrospect you may pick up on a hint of a turbulant past of hers. She will play the victim, whether real or imagined. The reality is you won't know because her words are often lies. Then once she has you hooked, she will begin the drama all over again with you, the new victim.
Some DJ principles are good here. NEVER accept intolerable behavior. Always go with her ACTIONS, not her words.
The best advice I can offer is the first sign of serious disrespect, "WALK AWAY FOR GOOD" You may be prematurely ejecting a non-BPD. You also may be rejecting a BPD that is going to keep up her escalation of drama. Either way you can sleep at night and game on with other women that don't play this game.
KC

 

[jophil28]

My question is, what sort of behaviors can we look for before getting involved? Is there any signs/symptoms, ie telltales, that we can pick up on to avoid these types of women to begin with?

THis is a tough question to answer because these women are consumate actresses and skilled "performers". Any competent con artist or trickster knows how to 'act' to bring the "target' within striking range. And so it is with Personality Dis women, and in particular BPDs and NPDs.
MY recent wack job of 2006 made a point of telling me on the first date that she was " passive and compliant". SHe had such a sweet china doll presence..butter would not melt ....She was so softly feminine and a girly girl....These attributes are all CAREFULLY CRAFTED..

NOw here is the rub..if you meet a VERY demure and extremely coy woman who acts flirty in a subtle and cute manner,you may have just met a really great and genuine woman who is sincerely feminine OR you may just be entering into a relationship with SATAN'S daughter.
Their presenting persona is VERY attractive and they usually move into sex quickly. There is a short period of intense sexual interplay( a few weeks ) and soon after she is satisfied that she has snagged you in the gills ,the mindgames begin and the disrespect follows.

I may even write a post(or a thread) with a comprehensive list of their favorite behaviors to arm those of you who have not been to war with one of these creatures.

Lastly, a couple posters have taken the view that these women are mad not bad - I disagree and so does Scott Peck . Read his book " People of the Lie"... He is one of the few psychiatrists who has the nads to dump the "value free" science approach, He calls them EVIL and he is right..

 

[jophil28]

My question is, what sort of behaviors can we look for before getting involved? Is there any signs/symptoms, ie telltales, that we can pick up on to avoid these types of women to begin with?

THis is a tough question to answer because these women are consumate actresses and skilled "performers". Any competent con artist or trickster knows how to 'act' to bring the "target' within striking range. As so it is with Personality Dis women, and in particular BPDs and NPDs.
MY recent wack job of 2006 made a point of telling me on the first date that she was " passive and compliant". SHe had such a sweet china doll presence..butter would not melt ....She was so softly feminine and a girly girl....These attributes are all CAREFULLY CRAFTED..
NOw here is the rub..if you meet a VERY demure and extremely coy woman who acts flirty in a subtle and cute manner,you may have just met a really great and genuine woman who is sincerely feminine OR you may just be entering into a relationship with SATAN'S daughter.
Their presenting persona is VERY attractive and they usually move into sex quickly. There is a short period of intense sexual interplay( a few weeks ) and soon after she is satisfied that she has snagged you i the gills ,the mindgames begin and the disrespect follows.

I may even write a post(or a thread) with a comprehensive list of their favorite behaviors to arm those of you who have not been to war with one of these creatures.

Lastly, a couple posters have taken the view that these women are mad not bad - I disagree and so does Scott Peck . Read his book " People of the Lie"... He is one of the few psychiatrists who has the nads to dump the "value free" science approach, He calls them EVIL and he is right..