How do you deal with meeting your ex's new guy?

[dubAllStar]

Title says it all, really.

I have to attend a client's BBQ in a couple weeks and my exBPDgf will be there with her new boyfriend of two months. I hardly think of the woman (except for the random skull-fvcking every now and then), but when I saw a pic of her with her new boyfriend on Facebook I about flipped the fvck out.

I am trying to figure out if I should just be classy/cordial with the guy (be myself, really) or just not go to the damn thing. The problem is that I am not quite sure how well I will be able to keep my cool when she starts throwing around her "feminine and in love" BS (as BPDs tend to do).

 

[ChumpNoMore]

If she's BPD, and thus a security risk, do you want to risk her behaving inappropriately, and/or her pulling the strings on her new beau (sucker), creating a scene or competition, to get her ego bloat, at a CLIENT's function? I'd say wave off.

 

[speed dawg]

If you're not over her, I probably wouldn't go. If you are over her, I'd go, and if you ran across them, say hello, introduce yourself, and go about your business.

It's really that simple. I, however, am the type that will just avoid someone if I don't want to talk to them, no matter if they are an ex or just some annoying dude I just happen to know. But if it's not avoidable, I just play it cool. Always works.

 

[jophil28]

Why not get yourself a random HB of your own and take her along to entertain you in the quiet moments .
Let your ex BPD wonder about who that new HB is with 'duballStar'.
A woman's imagination can be your silent allie.

 

[Julian]

Bring a beautiful woman and make sure to show you are superior in every manner and form, if you wanna play that game that is.

edit - Also what do you mean by "keep your cool" specifically? If you think you will start a fight with the guy or be part of some kind of altercation you def. need to work out some inner insecurities. This is just an assumption on my part but thats how I am interpreting this, correct me if I am wrong.

 

[dubAllStar]

Thank you all for the replies.

Also what do you mean by "keep your cool" specifically? If you think you will start a fight with the guy or be part of some kind of altercation you def. need to work out some inner insecurities. This is just an assumption on my part but thats how I am interpreting this, correct me if I am wrong.

I do see how my post would imply this, but it was not intended to do so. What I meant by "keeping my cool" was more internally (the mind fvcking), rather than externally (fighting, arguing, etc.). I am normally very good at keeping my mind still, especially when it comes to women, but this particular exBPD nutjob has the ability stir that sh1t up with relative ease. I am sure it hast to to do with resentment towards her. That and it pisses me off she tries so damn hard to be my "friend" after the BS she put me through. The b1tch really has put me through a lot.

I am spinning plates, but unfortunately the two (yeah, I know, I need more) plates are not in town that weekend. This was obviously my first choice of action, simply because they gorgeous and both of them would have a great time trying to piss off my ex. Just can't happen unless I find a new one within the next couple weeks. Wait, there's an idea...

 

[DJDamage]

What is the worst that can happen? you see them together and you will get slightly upset so what?! you aren't going to flip out or start crying because you are an emotionally stable person (at least I hope you are) and other then some small unpleasentary everything will be ok.

Just go out there and be cool with everyone, including your ex and her boyfriend. Just think about how messed up this girl really is and that you dodged a bullet while her new man doesn't fully know/understand yet what he got himself into. In fact you should probably feel sorry for her new man because he is going to be more nervous meeting you then you meeting him (since by now he is becoming aware of her BPD tendencies and her over attention wh0ring flirtatious nature).

She will probably piss him off more at the BBQ then you.

 

[white sox bill]

Question to OP--this guy who's seeing your ex, he didn't have anything to do w/your split did he? Assuming he didn't, I'd go. If your stag, be sure to flirt esp. with the hot women. Act cool and confident when or if you do happen to run across them in the room. Shake his hand like you are long lost friends. This will get your ex thinking...."Wow he sure got over me fast" then ching ching--"He's a challenge, wonder if I can get him back".

Acting belligerent or picking a fight is totally AFC showing weakness and in the meantime your ex is smiling and patting herself on the back saying to herself "I got to him".

But I know where your coming from Bro. At times I've been in same situation. It can be uncomfortable. But last time, the tables were turned. I was at social funtion and my GF was one of the hottest ones there. Then my EX GF shows up alone. 100% sure she saw my GF maul me a few times. But it sure didn't look like it effected her any.

 

[Mr. Me]

That happened to me a couple of months ago. I was on a date and it was late and I passed some little place in Tribeca and decided to stop and have a drink there because I noticed a table by the sidewalk and it was a nice night out.

So I walk into the place, ask for the table and as I'm walking to the table with my date, lo and behold, there's just one other couple seated nearby in the shadows and who is it but Drama Queen Crazy Chick from 3 years ago I used to date. She sees me and her eyes widen and she gets up and is cooing all over me to her date, "Oh, this is Mr. Me he's soooo funny! Very talented too! Yadda yadda" the guy is obviously not amused by this particular interruption but he's playing it cool enough. She's not going psycho on me like in our last encounter three years ago, no, now she's all purring. What an actress!

I chit chat a bit, just pleasantries like "Hey, you look great! How's things?" big smile on my face, say hi to the guy, and she's going on and on and I finally say, "Well, it was nice to see you again. Enjoy your evening!" and turned my back on her to give my date my full attention.

But even if I didn't have a date with me, I'd handle it the same way, no matter if it's rattling me inside or not. The key is be civil, brief and get out. Remember that she severely messed with you once, so now it's really more like you're the visiting Diplomat from dubAllStar Country and she's the enemy and this is just meaningless small talk. And doing this, she gets nothing from you. You come off like a class act who couldn't care less.

 

[Bible_Belt]

The problem is that I am not quite sure how well I will be able to keep my cool when she starts throwing around her "feminine and in love" BS (as BPDs tend to do).


Exactly. Expect her to be making out with him just so you can see. I bet she starts humping him as soon as she sees you.

It's all a game, and the object is to make you upset. That is fun for her. Just know what you are getting yourself into and be prepared to not let her get under your skin.

 

[Rollo Tomassi]

The opposite of love is not hate. The opposite of love is indifference.

You need to be indifferent. Bear in mind the whole time she's a BPD neurotic, if anything you should pity the guy for entering into what you had to endure, and count yourself blessed that you now have the freedom and the experience to ƒuck women who aren't.

 

[Sinistar]

dubAllStar,

Maybe it's time for an experiment. Before the party, add a post to this thread predicting exactly what you think will happen. Be as specific as you can. Then after all is said and done come back and let us know what really happened. I wonder if it will play out the way you think. Often guys are worried but it's not that bad running into an ex. Then again, some have panic attacks and puke all over the place

If this were a game, yeah show up with a really attractive babe (especially younger if your ex in her 30's or later). Look at the ex once in awhile and then whisper in your dates ear like you talking bad about her. Oops, this is a BPD we're talking about - she'll probably do this to you instead.

Or another way to have some fun. Talk with this guy out of earshot of the ex. Get her wondering what you're saying. Maybe she'll spin out of control.

If the three of you chat, kid about how you dumped her. Maybe she'll not catch herself and claim she did it. You know, something that makes the new guy hear something that isn't all perfect and glowing. And if she doesn't strike back, that will leave new guy wondering why you dumped her. Of course you were kidding all along but maybe your exBPD won't process that very well now that you two have gone separate ways.

Either way, the new guy is fvcked. My frame when walking in would simply be "I pity that guy for the he11 he is about to endure." But he'll probably get some wild s3x right afterwards, she knows it and she knows you know it. She doesn't even need to say a word - just some subtle body language - for you to receive that message loud and clear. That gets most guys right there. One or two (cavemen) want to fight the guy. Quite a few leave early unable to enjoy the evening after yielding to her frame. Some will cry it out. And a few will have that panic attack and puke in this host's bathroom.

So why not be the guy Rollo describes. Don't feed her any of your energy. Expect her to do something to spin you up a bit. Make a point to spend the time with all the people you would have if she wasn't there. Since you have no reason to be her "girlfriend" and you've already hit it - why would she deserve your attention when you're a guy with bigger priorities - right?

As for all the fun and games. Be my guest. Women are the masters here. Most guys just end up looking stupid when they give it this much thought in advance only to have the women do something unexpected and our "well though out logical" plan goes out the window. We back pedal and then they go for the KO by making out with some other guy. I'd almost call women evil if they weren't so darned naturally gifted and programmed this way from the start. Fascinating actually!

 

[boomerick]

If you're even debating this then you probably aren't over her enough to deal. Continue no contact. Don't go. Find something else better to do than have your soul sucked away a little more by the BPD.

 

[KontrollerX]

"The opposite of love is not hate. The opposite of love is indifference."

What everyone here is missing is that to be effected negatively by a BPD doesn't ALWAYS mean you are still in love with them.

Similarly to how a rape victim can barely stand to face their attacker in court and shakes with a combination of rage, disgust, humiliation and hatred for her attacker and what she went through.

To be a victim of one of these people is very similar but in a purely emotional deeply traumatized sense.

Your brain literally changes to a degree from going through the psychological pain of being painted black by a BPD similarly to how many soldier's minds get fvcked up and traumatized by war, not just from PTSD but from the overwhelming psychological horror of it all.

I read guys on BPD forums saying that when they saw their BPD out in public with another soon to be victim clearly and calculatingly flaunting the new man in their face the ex victim didn't feel jealousy what he told the forum was his body began to shake intensely, he started to sweat profusely and he thought he was going to have a heart attack and he couldn't even pinpoint what feeling she had provoked in him.

What he described was a massive psychological trauma based anxiety attack.

To see the BPD out and about and re-live her cheating hurtful nature anew was to bring all of that horror back to the surface.

I watched a documentary of an eldery woman who was raped in her home who experienced a day long dealing with trauma emotions which culminated in her having this same massive anxiety attack followed by crying that she couldn't get to stop for many hours even with her daughter holding her and trying to comfort her.

Those who've been through the ringer with a BPD or any Cluster B unawares as to what they are have been psychologically raped and I'm not exaggerating to say that and no people who have not been victims will never understand it or in the more ignorant people's cases ever believe it but it is true.

So how do you deal with meeting your BPD ex's new guy if you are still feeling traumatized and vulnerable to the whole ordeal?

You don't.

Fvck her.

Don't go.

Take care of yourself.

You've got nothing to prove.

Bottom line is if a rape victim hates their rapist it doesn't mean they are secretly harboring love feelings for that piece of garbage.

It means they were victimized and had their innocence stolen away and can never get back what was taken from them and are righteously angry about that and may hate their attacker for the rest of their life.

Its the same with the victims of Cluster B.

Not ALL want a return to the false paradise.

Some just hate or are disgusted by their victimizer for what that person did to them and thats all there is to it.

Nothing deeper to be read into than that and it only makes sense that such a person would want to keep as much distance between themselves and that scum as possible.

 

[catman]

What if your ex wifes new fling is a woman and no i dont want a threesom with my ex she makes my skin crawl still??

 

[dubAllStar]

"The opposite of love is not hate. The opposite of love is indifference."

What everyone here is missing is that to be effected negatively by a BPD doesn't ALWAYS mean you are still in love with them.

Similarly to how a rape victim can barely stand to face their attacker in court and shakes with a combination of rage, disgust, humiliation and hatred for her attacker and what she went through.

To be a victim of one of these people is very similar but in a purely emotional deeply traumatized sense.

Your brain literally changes to a degree from going through the psychological pain of being painted black by a BPD similarly to how many soldier's minds get fvcked up and traumatized by war, not just from PTSD but from the overwhelming psychological horror of it all.

I read guys on BPD forums saying that when they saw their BPD out in public with another soon to be victim clearly and calculatingly flaunting the new man in their face the ex victim didn't feel jealousy what he told the forum was his body began to shake intensely, he started to sweat profusely and he thought he was going to have a heart attack and he couldn't even pinpoint what feeling she had provoked in him.

What he described was a massive psychological trauma based anxiety attack.

To see the BPD out and about and re-live her cheating hurtful nature anew was to bring all of that horror back to the surface.

I watched a documentary of an eldery woman who was raped in her home who experienced a day long dealing with trauma emotions which culminated in her having this same massive anxiety attack followed by crying that she couldn't get to stop for many hours even with her daughter holding her and trying to comfort her.

Those who've been through the ringer with a BPD or any Cluster B unawares as to what they are have been psychologically raped and I'm not exaggerating to say that and no people who have not been victims will never understand it or in the more ignorant people's cases ever believe it but it is true.

So how do you deal with meeting your BPD ex's new guy if you are still feeling traumatized and vulnerable to the whole ordeal?

You don't.

Fvck her.

Don't go.

Take care of yourself.

You've got nothing to prove.

Bottom line is if a rape victim hates their rapist it doesn't mean they are secretly harboring love feelings for that piece of garbage.

It means they were victimized and had their innocence stolen away and can never get back what was taken from them and are righteously angry about that and may hate their attacker for the rest of their life.

Its the same with the victims of Cluster B.

Not ALL want a return to the false paradise.

Some just hate or are disgusted by their victimizer for what that person did to them and thats all there is to it.

Nothing deeper to be read into than that and it only makes sense that such a person would want to keep as much distance between themselves and that scum as possible.

This is pure gold. My hat goes off to you yet again, Kontroller.

 

[mrRuckus]

If you were completely over her, you wouldn't be bothered by it and could be effortlessly pleasant and cordial.

Eh. I have former male friends that i wish ill towards. Am i not over them? Exes that didn't screw me over i have no bad feelings for and exes that did then i wish for them to suffer. This means i'm over the nice ones and not over the b1tch ones?

I understand everyone wants you to reach some state of zen where you don't care at all, but let's be realistic.




OP, Stop looking up your exes on facebook. What's wrong with you?

 

[Da Realist]

I say just have fun and ignore them for the most part if you're not trying to get back with her. If she has to drag the guy along with her to follow you around, who looks bad? You for being sociable and having fun, or her trying to put some guy in your face the whole time?

 

[Jean Valjean]

Indifference is hard to do

yes indifference gets you numb to a bpd .. but the BPD ha s robbed you of the dream of true love, so it hurts on many levels

yes they go gaga over a new man making out like love struck teenagers all over the place, flirting like crazy feminine charms to the max, it is the nature of the illness.

If you don't have a woman there do yourself a favor and don't go .. but if you do go avoid her like the plague and avoid looking at her because like medusa she might start to get under your skin and turn you to stone ...so don't look and stay away from her ..like others say be indifferent to her and my advise is be distant and don't look at her antics.

 

[Mr. Me]

>>"The opposite of love is not hate. The opposite of love is indifference."

What everyone here is missing is that to be effected negatively by a BPD doesn't ALWAYS mean you are still in love with them. >>

Understand that it doesn't have to be love, per se. Emotional involvement is at the core of it all. People suffering trauma are involved, attached. That's why their mind and body will go into anxiety attacks. Of course it doesn't mean they love their attacker, but it does mean they are attached sufficiently that a reminder or confrontation can trigger a physiological "fight or flight" response just as if they were being attacked anew.

Hate is simply one aother manifestation of emotions created because of emotional involvement, as is love, anger, sadness, depression, grief, etc.

The opposite is indeed indifference, because if they weren't attached emotionally, they wouldn't have any reactions, it wouldn't affect them, they just wouldn't care less. That's indifference.

So while a former victim may be righteously angry over what happened to them and its aftermath (and they have every right to be), yet the very fact that they still have feelings associated with it means they're not over it. Then you have those who have worked through it, while acknowledging what happened to them, and without minimizing the seriousness of it, nor that of the lessons learned, nor of the moral of the story, harbor anger no longer. It becomes a memory, but there isn't pain nor emotion attached to it of any kind. They've become indifferent.

Hope that edifies things a bit.