Hotel

[Fruitbat]

Right, I’ve said before my wife can be moody. Well, I had a tough day at work.

This evening I came home and she had the face on. I told her before if she gets rude on me because she had a bad day, I’m gonna walk out for the night. So tonight I did it.

Went to a hotel round the corner. I was kind of light hearted about it, I wasn’t angry. I said right, I told you this will happen so I’m going, at least I can get some peace there. She made a face like she was concerned and sorry, and I left.

Got her, texted her the room, said I’m not drinking, breaking up, I’m just getting some peace. Next time I come home to this, then I’ll do another hotel tour.

She hasn’t flipped or protested. She hasn’t said sorry either.

im not really mad or insulted and I’m not going to lose my shyt. We have a kid, I don’t want scenes.

I’ve threatened this before and packed a bag and she said sorry. This time I just picked up and left - smiling and cheerful!

Im sure this will be seen as too weak and I should have dreaded it up a bit more but the point of this is to let her know I’ll just go. I’m not at the point of leaving/divorce. It’s a ceremonial act to tell her I can’t deal with her shyt today and she might think twice next time!

 

[BackInTheGame78]

There is no way in the world I would have allowed myself to get to a point with a woman where this is an option. I'm going to pay money to go stay in a hotel room when I pay for the house? Hell no.

I mean maybe it will work but at the end of the day, why would you want it to if this seems to happen more and more frequently?

Is this going to have her gain respect for you in some way because that's why it keeps happening more and more frequently...she has lost respect over time for you. Anything related to this should be thru the lens of increasing her respect level which will lessen this occuring.

I just don't see how that accomplishes that. If anything, you've simply run away from the problem and have done nothing to communicate with her to find out where the issue lies.

Short term win maybe, but long term loss for you.

 

[Fruitbat]

There is no way in the world I would have allowed myself to get to a point with a woman where this is an option. I'm going to pay money to go stay in a hotel room when I pay for the house? Hell no.

I mean maybe it will work but at the end of the day, why would you want it to if this seems to happen more and more frequently?

Is this going to have her gain respect for you in some way because that's why it keeps happening more and more frequently...she has lost respect over time for you. Anything related to this should be thru the lens of increasing her respect level which will lessen this occuring.

I just don't see how that accomplishes that. If anything, you've simply run away from the problem and have done nothing to communicate with her to find out where the issue lies.

Short term win maybe, but long term loss for you.

What would you do?

 

[The Duke]

There is no way in the world I would have allowed myself to get to a point with a woman where this is an option. I'm going to pay money to go stay in a hotel room when I pay for the house? Hell no.

I mean maybe it will work but at the end of the day, why would you want it to if this seems to happen more and more frequently?

Is this going to have her gain respect for you in some way because that's why it keeps happening more and more frequently...she has lost respect over time for you. Anything related to this should be thru the lens of increasing her respect level which will lessen this occuring.

I just don't see how that accomplishes that. If anything, you've simply run away from the problem and have done nothing to communicate with her to find out where the issue lies.

Short term win maybe, but long term loss for you.

Have you ever been married or lived with the same woman for 3 plus years? Sometimes this is a good way to de-escalate a situation before someone says something out of anger. They can go back and have a conversation to remedy this when cooler heads have prevailed and she has let this sink in.

No doubt the disrespect thing is an issue. But these committed relationships are tough.

 

[Hamurabimbi]

I’ve done that a few times with my GF. When she gets like that. Though she has never let me actually leave. She has physically blocked me from opening the door.

 

[AmsterdamAssassin]

Went to a hotel round the corner. I was kind of light hearted about it, I wasn’t angry. I said right, I told you this will happen so I’m going, at least I can get some peace there. She made a face like she was concerned and sorry, and I left.

I hope that works out for you.

 

[Fruitbat]

Have you ever been married or lived with the same woman for 3 plus years? Sometimes this is a good way to de-escalate a situation before someone says something out of anger. They can go back and have a conversation to remedy this when cooler heads have prevailed and she has let this sink in.

No doubt the disrespect thing is an issue. But these committed relationships are tough.

My guy, I don’t realistically think this is about the topic, it’s an ego flex, adds nothing, just ignore it.

 

[Bible_Belt]

My guy, I don’t realistically think this is about the topic, it’s an ego flex, adds nothing, just ignore it.

My friend, you're on the fast track to divorce, which would make you join the ranks of people like myself. There is no winning when you and her fight. There are only degrees of losing. The only way to win is to do what it takes to stop fighting, at least if you want to stay married.

 

[Fruitbat]

My friend, you're on the fast track to divorce, which would make you join the ranks of people like myself. There is no winning when you and her fight. There are only degrees of losing. The only way to win is to do what it takes to stop fighting, at least if you want to stay married.

I didn’t fight. I just left. The alternative is to fight, or accept it.

There is zero chance we are getting divorced. I’ve heard that a thousand times on here. Doom mongers everywhere. I’ve divorced one woman already.

The whole ethos of a lot of advice is be prepared to leave.

Someone follows this, and still, there will always be critics. There’s not a single bit of advice really here, it’s just random digs.

There isn’t much point anymore as this isn’t a forum where others support, it’s a place where folks just flex on each other.

Waste of everyone’s time

 

[Westminster]

Hmm. Unfortunately though, I suspect that Bible Belt is right. You posted quite a bit about your marriage over recent months and none of it sounds harmonious.

One way or another though, it sounds like your wife is losing a bit of respect for you or, I dunno, maybe you're just on a different page. One way or another though, it sounds like things are on the slide.

NB. I say this as a man who has experienced divorce and recognises many of the symptoms of marital breakdown you have described on here.

 

[pipeman84]

The whole ethos of a lot of advice is be prepared to leave.

Someone follows this, and still, there will always be critics.

The advice to leave is for people who are dating and the guy is at her house and she makes a scene ... instead of escalating to insults or just standing there and putting up with her shyt, he just leaves. Thus clearly sending the message that he finds this kind of behavior totally unacceptable.

You're married, it's a whole different situation.

 

[Bokanovsky]

There is zero chance we are getting divorced. I’ve heard that a thousand times on here. Doom mongers everywhere. I’ve divorced one woman already.

As divorce lawyers like to say, family court clients tend to be repeat customers.

 

[BaronOfHair]

My friend, you're on the fast track to divorce, which would make you join the ranks of people like myself. There is no winning when you and her fight. There are only degrees of losing. The only way to win is to do what it takes to stop fighting, at least if you want to stay married.

It pays to question this notion of "winning" and "losing" arguments also, and to think instead about what you want, what's required to get there, and if you're willing to accept the costs of all this. In this case:

If one wants their spouse to stop taking out her frustrations on him, that may entail coaxing her into the office of a skillful CBT shrink. By extension, he may have to shell out a chunk of change, take a loss if the treatment doesn't pan out

 

[BackInTheGame78]

My guy, I don’t realistically think this is about the topic, it’s an ego flex, adds nothing, just ignore it.

No it's telling you the straight truth, which usually is not what people want to hear,but is what they actually need to hear.

 

[Fruitbat]

I don’t want her to think I’m cheating. We are married and this escalates it too much.

the message is - keep that mouth running and I leave.

Just FYI all has been well in camp Fruitbat since.

 

[Millard Fillmore]

Nothing wrong with taking personal space if that's what's best for you. If more people did this and were honest about it the world would be better off. Only thing I would do different is avoid appearing to blame - just say "I need to be alone for a while for some head space, I'll be back tomorrow." If she can't handle that, too bad.

 

[Learning Curve]

Right, I’ve said before my wife can be moody. Well, I had a tough day at work.

This evening I came home and she had the face on. I told her before if she gets rude on me because she had a bad day, I’m gonna walk out for the night. So tonight I did it.

Went to a hotel round the corner. I was kind of light hearted about it, I wasn’t angry. I said right, I told you this will happen so I’m going, at least I can get some peace there. She made a face like she was concerned and sorry, and I left.

Got her, texted her the room, said I’m not drinking, breaking up, I’m just getting some peace. Next time I come home to this, then I’ll do another hotel tour.

She hasn’t flipped or protested. She hasn’t said sorry either.

im not really mad or insulted and I’m not going to lose my shyt. We have a kid, I don’t want scenes.

I’ve threatened this before and packed a bag and she said sorry. This time I just picked up and left - smiling and cheerful!

Im sure this will be seen as too weak and I should have dreaded it up a bit more but the point of this is to let her know I’ll just go. I’m not at the point of leaving/divorce. It’s a ceremonial act to tell her I can’t deal with her shyt today and she might think twice next time!

Well it's not that you have made a wrong choice here.

But I believe the problem is bigger, and you have to find the solution for it quickly.

Leaving from your own house and going to hotels to de-escalate bad woman's behaviour is only a temporary solution. Communication is key in such circumstances and it's either you get along or you leave and divorce.

Better to be alone than to be with a woman that you need to go to hotels. If she is understanding that you had a tough day at work and she needs to shut up then she is probably well emotionally calibrated. If not then you have to find a way to figure this out.

People in general who are insecure, and weak drag situations for a long-time ending up in 10 year marriages that they hate each other because no-one has the courage to end it.

Be the one to take action. I'm not saying you should divorce. Instances like this will happen in a marriage it's normal. But you should consider how many times this is happening and if it's constant.

 

[AmsterdamAssassin]

Just FYI all has been well in camp Fruitbat since.

While I'm glad your cohabiting conditions improved, too much of your interaction with your spouse seems to be 'combative' and concerned with winning or losing. Marriages require team work where you both respect and trust each other. I think you should work on interacting with each other, not against each other.

 

[The Duke]

I don’t want her to think I’m cheating. We are married and this escalates it too much.

the message is - keep that mouth running and I leave.

Just FYI all has been well in camp Fruitbat since.

So have you talked things out so this doesn't need to happen again? What kind of understanding did you and her come to?

 

[Fruitbat]

So have you talked things out so this doesn't need to happen again? What kind of understanding did you and her come to?

yeah I’ve told her if I come home to that again I’m gonna do it again. That’s it.

Women in my experience don’t come running back with your slippers (but I wish they did)