Here is how you get a long term relationship that is fulfilling and has minimal drama

[Georgepithyou]

Little off topic, @cola are you Alpha male strategies from youtube?

 

[AttackFormation]

Dude, please post more of this (maybe sources and stuff) its really interesting to read.

Yeah, this stuff is really interesting. I love stats, but it's pretty tough to find good sources for this subject. You need sources that:

1) Control for which factors seem to be correlations and which seem to be causations.
2) Include many factors: from background traits, to personality traits, to behaviors in the relationship itself (otherwise you might end up with thinking a correlation is a causation, because the study didn't include the causative factor). This is a good example of a study that doesn't have enough factors.
3) Doesn't rely on self-reporting (because, even if you thought their responses are reliable, it doesn't explain why the reasons they give for divorce happened).

So far I haven't found one good, comprehensive source for that. I've narrowed down one place with a huge list of correlations that are unfortunately mostly unsourced, a study that shows financial disagreements rather than financial status synchronizes with divorce, and here's the study on ethnicities and divorce which again unfortunately doesn't control for other factors so you can't say whether it's cause or correlation with hidden causes. However, other studies seem to find that "exogamous" marriages are more unstable because "Having a different-origin spouse is linked to difficulties agreeing on common interests and lifestyles (Hibbler and Shinew 2002), and the divergence in cultural values fuels partnership strain (Hohmann-Marriott and Amato 2008), which usually leads to divorce (Zhang and Van Hook 2009)" - but that doesn't explain why the study found white male+black female are less likely to divorce than two whites, while black male+white female are more likely than w+w. It doesn't explain the variation. Then there are studies that measure the experience of parental divorce on the childrens' own future divorce rate. They find that it's not their experience of divorce itself which causes the higher rates, but rather their experience of parental conflict - and of course, spouses in conflict are more likely to divorce, thus the surface correlation.

You already saw the source about infidelity in my previous post, which shows how more frequent religious attendance is the one factor that correlates with lower infidelity rates for both genders whereas every other factor seems to be gender dependent. And in self-reports, infidelity is obviously consistently cited among the top reasons for divorce (which as I pointed out above about self-reports, doesn't explain why infidelity does or doesn't happen in terms of the persons' backgrounds, personality traits, and factors inherent to the relationship itself like financial disagreement and other behaviors).

 

[AttackFormation]

People who are low in neuroticism and high in conscientiousness are more likely to be satisfied in their marriages, and they're also more likely to be religious which is probably what explains why more frequent religious attendance in that other study is associated with lower infidelity. And then like a 1-2 combo, increased satisfaction in marriage correlates with lower infidelity.

"Controlling for marital dissatisfaction and demographic variables, infidelity was predicted by greater neuroticism and lower religiosity; wives' pregnancy also increased the risk of infidelity for husbands. In comparison, self-esteem and partners' suspected affair were predictive of infidelity when controlling for demographic variables but were not uniquely predictive of infidelity when also controlling for marital dissatisfaction." - https://www.researchgate.net/public...opulation-Based_Sample_of_Married_Individuals

"Wives high (versus low) in extraversion and husbands and wives with partners high (versus low) in neuroticism or extraversion were more likely to engage in infidelity regardless of whether we controlled for satisfaction. Husbands with partners high (versus low) in narcissism were more likely to engage in infidelity, though this effect was no longer significant when controlling for satisfaction." - https://www.researchgate.net/public...ersonality_traits_as_predictors_of_infidelity

 

[AttackFormation]

Everything I keep reading confirms what my first point was, which is that the population-wide divorce rate itself is not useful as an indicator of whether your own relationship is gonna be healthy and how long it'll last. It's much better to actually map out who the persons involved are in terms of traits that predict infidelity and divorce.

Two introverted people who are low in neuroticism, high in conscientiousness, have no addictions or substance use, have compatible habit expectations and regularly attend church together have a virtually non-existent risk of infidelity or divorce compared to two non-conscientious, neurotic extroverts who like to drink, do drugs and party, fight over finances and home habits and have never seen the inside of a church, but the population-wide average sorts them both together.

 

[RickTheToad]

Yeah, I figure, when you press 'play' on that song, she either drops it(for a while), or she ghosts. Either way, you win.

I broke it down to her in plan English. What is in it for me? She honestly couldn't come up with an answer. It would be nice to work it out where we're both content. She already knows that I will walk if pushed. And I even stated, you need to let me know soon if this doesn't work for you either. She was dreaming of a Disney fairytale. I said, this ain't Disney, this is real life. Heck, even Disney Chairman, Bob Iger, was divorced. I also added, don't have fault with me, write our State legislators to make the laws fairer.

 

[mrgoodstuff]

I broke it down to her in plan English. What is in it for me? She honestly couldn't come up with an answer. It would be nice to work it out where we're both content. She already knows that I will walk if pushed. And I even stated, you need to let me know soon if this doesn't work for you either. She was dreaming of a Disney fairytale. I said, this ain't Disney, this is real life. Heck, even Disney Chairman, Bob Iger, was divorced. I also added, don't have fault with me, write our State legislators to make the laws fairer.

Ha, so they don't even bother to answer that question these days, lol!

 

[sosumba]

I broke it down to her in plan English. What is in it for me? She honestly couldn't come up with an answer. It would be nice to work it out where we're both content. She already knows that I will walk if pushed. And I even stated, you need to let me know soon if this doesn't work for you either. She was dreaming of a Disney fairytale. I said, this ain't Disney, this is real life. Heck, even Disney Chairman, Bob Iger, was divorced. I also added, don't have fault with me, write our State legislators to make the laws fairer.

Do you tell her that straight to the face? I mean do you hint at it or do you just say like "you know honey the law is not in favor of us, men"?

 

[cola]

Little off topic, @cola are you Alpha male strategies from youtube?

Nope, he gives solid advice though.

 

[RickTheToad]

Do you tell her that straight to the face? I mean do you hint at it or do you just say like "you know honey the law is not in favor of us, men"?

What do you think? You should know now, by the way I post, I'm pretty much point blank in my thoughts and actions.

 

[RickTheToad]

From my perspective, the biggest obstacle to yielding to common sense/enlightened self-interest, with most women, isn't necessarily a self-destructive female nature; it's primarily weakness, in that they're too easily influenced by the opinions of their friends/family/peers/classmates/coworkers/strangers/entertainment/news/whatever, which isn't even a distinctly female failing. Being too easily influenced against one's own long-term self-interest is a classic human failing, most common to children and weak men. Women just happen to be children, and men are inclined to forget this fact.

She'll go back to her support group, with this new development, and they'll encourage her to do something else stupid(as if she were their NASA test-monkey), until their advice finally irreparably ruins your relationship...at which point they'll convince her how smart she was(as she sobs uncontrollably) to follow their advice(by pushing whatever self-destruct button), because "it was never going to work out, anyway," and because now she's free to kiss more frogs, looking for her mythical prince.

Anything is possible, but I ain't bending.