Help me save my 1.5 year LTR!!

[farlenrejorano]

Hello fellas!
I need some advice...My gf of 1.5 years has just suggested that we cut off contact temporarily (about 1 week) because she doesn't feels the urge of being with or talking to me as she felt on the start and wants to rekindle our relationship. We had a open talk about this subject in which I told her that if she feels like it, we can break up (And I really emphasized it.). She said no, she told me that she loves me and just wants to try to rescue things like they were in the past, because she thinks our relationship has became cold. So I agreed to this deal and now it's day 2.

I will try to put only vital info here, as I don't want the reading of this post to be tedious. But it's important to explain well my situation:

- It's the first time we experience a bad moment together. We have always been a perfect couple. This golden phase lasted until August, when our routines changed.

- Last year we used to see each other almost everyday coz we studied at the same school. Nowadays it's not possible anymore coz we are in different colleges, and our schedules don't match. Neither of us can drive, so we don't have the option of going out late in the night during the week. We usually see each other on weekends.

- By the same reason, sex became difficult. The lack of driving possibilities prevents us from going to motels. What we used to do was to go to her home while her mother was at work. But in the last 4 months, her schedule was incompatible with mine so we had only friday morning to meet for sex in her home (and only if it was possible.).
I admit that I failed here because during this time I was more desperate for sex than her, so it may have caused her IL to drop. Other negative aspects include that I always have to ask or be told if I can come to her place, so sex isn't a surprise. She also says that she doesn't feel 100% confortable in her home and that turns her off a little. BTW, I'm taking my driver license next month, so at least we're gonna have a solution for this problem soon.

- We use to say things like "we're gonna marry", "we're gonna stay together forever" like love declarations. BTW, everytime we talk seriously about this subject, we emphasize that these are just jokes, and obviously we aren't sure of being together forever, as we have only 19 years.

- This year I could have moved to another city to study there, instead of here (my home city). But I stayed. She knows that the closeness with my family and friends played a big role in this decision, but that I also wanted to be with her. It's important to say that this decision happened in January, and she didn't start losing IL until September.

- She knows that I love her and that I would be very sad if we had to broke up. I have already told her this, but I also say a lot that I don't want to be with her if she doesn't want to be with me anymore. She looks like a very honest person when it comes about talking about the relationship.

- Another thing I think is messing up things is that we have been spending a lot of time in the phone. As we don't see each other during the week, we used to spend like 1h/day talking in the phone. I think this may have caused her IL to drop, so as her urge in seeing me. She told me in our last talk, that we're behaving more like friends than bf-gf. Despite I do my best to physically see her on weekends, she really acts like she doesn't need to see me lately, coz she doesn't put many efforts on going out with me. Including, this was one of her reasons to ask for a no-contact week. She says that she wants to feel that spark again.

- I have strong evidence that she's not seeing any other man behind my back.

I think these are the more important things I have to tell. Please, give me some advice on how to save my LTR. I know some people will say "next", but I wouldn't like to surrender yet. I have had a great time with this girl, and I want to enjoy her company a little more. She looks disposed to try everything to save our relationship too, but I know that if it doesn't happens, she's gonna leave. Please, give me advice! Help me!

 

[Prodigy746]

First of all, you are 18 man (Very Very young to be even worrying about a LTR)

Chances of you marrying this girl is about 1.5-2%. You are young, you shouldnt be stressing over this.

It seems to me she got all the control over the relationship and she is bored. She knows she has you in the backpocket that is why she is bored with the relationship.

I am sure you are not going to do this because you are naive 18yo (been there done that) but i will suggest it anyway. Forget about her for a while, go out with your friends, have fun , hit on different girls and under no circumstances dont call her for about 2-3 weeks. If she calls after 1-2 weeks dont pick up first time she calls, let her wonder a bit.. call her 10hrs later or preferably a day later and tell her you were out with a friend. Dont give out too much details , let her wonder. This is what she wants, you need to let her know you got other options other then her and she cant take you for granted.

 

[pipe007]

her suggesting that you guys give the relationship a 1 week of no contact is a clear sign of low interest and her wanting to pull away...

In my experience, this relationship is already over, it will be time before she decides to dump you for good. For now, sure you can do some tricks to have her miss you and come back to you so that she can realize she is not happy with you, and then make a solid decision to leave you.

just a matter of time.

here is what you can do for now to relieve the pain.

DO NOTHING... 100% of the guys in this forum will suggest you DO NOT CONTACT HER.... have her be the one who contacts you first.... have her miss you... I hope you can do this.

she has basically broken up with you by doing this, but your AFC heart will deny it... it's ok you will learn.

so, your situation is NOT unique, and she is NOT special... this is a common example of a girl who got bored in her relationship, whose boyfriend became predicable, boring, and AFC, and she lost attraction and interested.

it doesn't necessarily mean that she is seeing someone else, she might like someone else, but most girls if they lose attraction, and they dont wanna have sexual intimacy with you, then its about game over.

Game over buddy. Dont be surprised if by the end of the 1 week no contact she tells you she wants another week because she is not feeling it... this is her way of dumping you the easy way... learn how to pick up your balls that you dropped long ago, and wait for her to re-initiate contact with you, when she does.. BE A MAN!, and act like your life has gotten better and you dont really need her anymore...

I know what your AFC hurt self is saying: but but, what if she doesn't contact ME first?
response: A real man would never reinitiate contact with her after she suggested distance.... not a chance!! but an AFC would miss her enough to initiate contact, and push the girl away even further.


of course, you wont follow this advise, so just call her and keep on losing her for good.

 

[handle]

Let me put it this way:

Your girlfriend wants a break. So you could...

1) Go out and bang girls, get back together
2) Go out and bang girls, not get back together
3) Not bang other girls, get back together
4) Not bang other girls, not back back together

1 or 2 sound pretty cool.

 

[farlenrejorano]

I had already decided that I definitely won't call her first. And I was thinking about not answering her phone calls too (Knowing her, I believe they will come). I liked prodigy746's idea of calling later saying I was out with a friend. I know that perhaps it's game over but I really want to give it a try.
Let me explain how things came this far:

Last week, she introduced this idea (of a no contact week), but as I didn't agree to it, she told me to forget it. My point was that our relationship was getting colder because we weren't going out and having sex like we did before, and then it would make no sense to reduce even more our contact. She told me that she wanted to miss me, but she backed down her idea at that time.

I was caught entirely off-guard, because despite I had already noticed things were not like in the start, I thought it was a normal phase of LTR's. I thought that things were going to get better once I got my driver's license, so we could go out and have sex more often. But her decision surprised me a lot, since I really didn't expect things to be at this point.

During the week, I decided to reduce contact by myself. Then, one day she called me asking if I wasn't going to call her, because she was waiting for it. I gave an excuse and then we talked normally. I was dumb enough to think that she had really left the idea of cutting contact.

Then, another day, one week after he first suggested the no contact thing, she came with it again. She told me that she tought about it the whole week and that she wanted to try it, because she wasn't satisfied. She told me that she doesn't feel the same urge she felt at the start, that I don't send her SMS's anymore and that lately we were behaving more like friends than like bf-gf.

This time I played it cool and agreed with everything. She said also that it didn't need to be exactly one week, only the necessary time for her to miss me (her point here was to say it could be less than one week, but I agree with pipe007 that she can decide later to extend this). Then I agreed with it, told her I wasn't going to call her for a week but I would send her a SMS asking which day her place would be available for us to meet later (bad move, I know, im not gonna do this).


Thing is, I think I still have some time to set things back. I asked her "what if this no-contact week doesn't work the way you want?". She said that than we would think other ways, but that she definitely wasn't considering a definitive break up. She also asked me not to tell anyone that we're doing this, she wants to keep this situation only between us.

So basically that's it. I lost myself during the relationship. Some people say you need to back down DJ techniques when you get in a LTR, and that is what I have done, but I did it bad. I hope there's still a way to turn things back because I will get really bad if things end. That is what I ask you fellas, I need tips to work this situation!

 

[farlenrejorano]

And thank you everybody for your attention!

 

[Ease]

This is what i think it is:

Another thing I think is messing up things is that we have been spending a lot of time in the phone.

I have first hand experience that this destroys relationships every time.

You seem like a clever guy, play it cool and wait to see what happens.

 

[Betamax]

Simple - Next her. You are still very wet behind the ears and need to get a lot more relationship skills under your belt. It do you both good in the long run.

 

[farlenrejorano]

The main reason why I don't want to just next is that sometime in my life I will have to deal with situations like this. Besides my feelings for her, I think this is a situation in which I can learn ways to recover a relationship and how to face these kind of problems.

I appreciate your advice, you seem like a very experient man and I know you just wanna help. But it's not exactly what I seek right now.

 

[Warrior74]

*edit* I just read this

Last week, she introduced this idea (of a no contact week), but as I didn't agree to it, she told me to forget it. My point was that our relationship was getting colder because we weren't going out and having sex like we did before, and then it would make no sense to reduce even more our contact. She told me that she wanted to miss me, but she backed down her idea at that time.

I was caught entirely off-guard, because despite I had already noticed things were not like in the start, I thought it was a normal phase of LTR's. I thought that things were going to get better once I got my driver's license, so we could go out and have sex more often. But her decision surprised me a lot, since I really didn't expect things to be at this point.

During the week, I decided to reduce contact by myself. Then, one day she called me asking if I wasn't going to call her, because she was waiting for it. I gave an excuse and then we talked normally. I was dumb enough to think that she had really left the idea of cutting contact.

Then, another day, one week after he first suggested the no contact thing, she came with it again. She told me that she tought about it the whole week and that she wanted to try it, because she wasn't satisfied. She told me that she doesn't feel the same urge she felt at the start, that I don't send her SMS's anymore and that lately we were behaving more like friends than like bf-gf.

This time I played it cool and agreed with everything. She said also that it didn't need to be exactly one week, only the necessary time for her to miss me (her point here was to say it could be less than one week, but I agree with pipe007 that she can decide later to extend this). Then I agreed with it, told her I wasn't going to call her for a week but I would send her a SMS asking which day her place would be available for us to meet later (bad move, I know, im not gonna do this).


Thing is, I think I still have some time to set things back. I asked her "what if this no-contact week doesn't work the way you want?". She said that than we would think other ways, but that she definitely wasn't considering a definitive break up. She also asked me not to tell anyone that we're doing this, she wants to keep this situation only between us.

Ouch. Read the part you wrote in bold. She holds all of the power in this situation. Even putting a gag order on you so no one else finds out and it ruins her plans. Imma break up with you and make you shut up about it. Fvcking ouch. You get to sit and twiddle your thumbs. FVCK THAT. Where are your fvcking balls to even accept those words out of her mouth? You should have dumped her ass on the spot. She's not attracted to you for the exact same reason she could even feel comfortable having this conversation with you. You are no threat, and not worthy of honoring. You are weak. Next her and toughen up on the next one.

 

[pipe007]

I agree with Warrior 74, listen to those who have walked the path, more than 10 times bro!...

AFC denial at its best!...

but but but I know she loves me, I know it.... lol

yeah, just wait... what do you think she is doing right now... posting on a webpage thinking how to attract you to her again? hell no!, she is MOVING ON!!!!... and having a taste of what life is like without you.

trust me, my official girl would never want to taste what life would be like without me, because she would never see herself without me.

:trouble: man up!

 

[farlenrejorano]

I really don't see where's the problem in keeping this secret. If she wanted to end everything, there would be no reason in asking this to be secret. I don't know if you read everything but what is happening is a try to make things better. And she definitely wasn't confortable saying this, I can assure.

I think that, of everything that is happening, this is the least threatening issue.

 

[Ease]

She's cheating on you, or is thinking about it.

What will you do if im right?

 

[farlenrejorano]

If ur right, I will obviously drop her.

But I honestly disagree with you. She doesn't need to ask for a no-contact week to cheat on me. Besides, the only place where she could do it is her college, but my best friend studies there too and he would know (they spend most of the time between classes together, catch the same bus, he has another gf and I can trust him my life.).

I know girls are smart, but I don't see many possibilities.

 

[Darth]

Thing is, I think I still have some time to set things back. I asked her "what if this no-contact week doesn't work the way you want?".

This says it all right here. She is behind the wheel here...not you.

She is calling the shots, and rather than refusing to put up with it, you are instead asking what her next command will be.

She is the enactor, you are being a REACTOR.

This is fundamentally the opposite of how it should be.

So I don't know how you could salvage this, but I do know you need to work on being more of a MAN to prevent such cases in the future.

 

[farlenrejorano]

Darth, I asked this to press her to say if she was thinking about a definitive break up. I always encourage her to say what she thinks and this used to work in our relationship so far. She does the same to me too. But I see your point here and I'll try to work on this.

 

[Fortress Maximus]

First off, I aint your damn "fella", so don't call me that!

Cut your **** off, Fed Ex it to her.

It already sounds like she owns it!

And NO, I don't work for Fed Ex. So don't any of YOU dare suggest I'm trying to get business for Fed Ex!

Out!

 

[Igetit!]

Warrior74 is right on the money,but you don't seem to understand what he was saying to you.


You're being WEAK man. You're being PASSIVE. You just sit there while there like a child waiting to be told what to do. It takes 2 to tango. You have the power to influence this "relationship" just as much as she does,yet you just sit there in the passenger's seat while she directs everything.



If you've been this way the entire time of the relationship,I don't see how it lasted this long.....AND....with you being like this,it makes me think that Ease may be onto something as well.




Since all you do is just sit there (and she knows this),she probably told you to not talk to or see her for the next week so she'll have time to turn her attention to SOMEONE ELSE. If things go well with the "other guy",then at the end of the week,she'll tell you that she wants to break up


If not,well hey,no biggie,she still has YOU on standby.


Hmm....sucker.

Hello fellas!
I need some advice...My gf of 1.5 years has just suggested that we cut off contact temporarily (about 1 week) because she doesn't feels the urge of being with or talking to me as she felt on the start and wants to rekindle our relationship.

How is seperating from each other supposed to "rekindle" the relationship? You don't realize it,but what you're saying is that BEING TOGETHER is what caused things to fall apart,so now you two have to get away from each other in order to fix things and make them like they were in the beginning.


That's STUPID.



This girl's attraction for you is LOW. Taking a break from each other doesn't create any chemistry or attraction,it just makes her MISS you.


Once you two get back together and the feeling of missing you goes away,you'll be right back where you started....with her feeling NO ATTRACTION.


If you want to get her FEELING attraction for you,you need to listen to Warrior74. Or in other words,be a MAN. The change that needs to happen here isnt a separation.The change that needs to happen here is YOU.




How is you being a week older than you are now suppose to fix everything?

We had a open talk about this subject in which I told her that if she feels like it, we can break up (And I really emphasized it.). She said no, she told me that she loves me and just wants to try to rescue things like they were in the past, because she thinks our relationship has became cold.

She said the relationship became cold. So her solution to this is time apart?

Oh yeah,that'll fix everything.

- She knows that I love her and that I would be very sad if we had to broke up. I have already told her this...

She knows you love her because you told her so. Well did she do the same?

She knows you love her,but do you know she LOVES YOU?


Did she express herself to you like you did with her,or was it all one-sided?


Be HONEST.

- Another thing I think is messing up things is that we have been spending a lot of time in the phone. As we don't see each other during the week, we used to spend like 1h/day talking in the phone. I think this may have caused her IL to drop, so as her urge in seeing me. She told me in our last talk, that we're behaving more like friends than bf-gf.

BINGO....



You see that part I put in bold? That's it,that's what's causing (or contributing) to the problem here. It's like I said,the ATTRACTION is missing.
She doesn't want a "friend",she wants a MAN.



She may have given you a lot of BS lines and excuses before,but that's one statement she was 100% honest about.

She says that she wants to feel that spark again.

She was right about this as well. The problem is that she's mistaken about what needs to be done in order for her to "feel the spark".


She thinks you two need to separate. She's wrong. What needs to happen here is YOU need to STOP acting like a friend and be a MAN.



Again I say,listen to Warrior74.

 

[farlenrejorano]

Igetit, im gonna be honest. She said "I love you" first and she even uses to say that more than me. You can trust this! I have nothing to gain lying to you.

After some thinking and discussion, I think that the first thing im gonna do is cut off long phone calls. 5-10 minutes max, only to say important things. I think this may be contributing to the friends feeling.

 

[pipe007]

it should be interesting to see when she decides to reinitiate contact... hoping OP didnt do it by now...

I fully support Warrior and Iget it.

Isn't it funny how OP disregards your comments and only reads what he wants to hear?

denial is powerful.

she might not be physically creating on you, but I'm willing to bet 1000$ cash right now, that she is emotionally cheating on you with someone else, or she has someone else in mind by now...

and if not that, she has found something, someone or something that is worth more than you are at this point....

sorry for the harsh words, but we gotta face reality sometimes