Help me gain self confidence

[user252009]

I'm 37, am doing well for myself, average looks I'd say but under average height for the country I'm living in, stable day job and interesting sidecareer, going to the gym, but when it comes to women I'm not the best. Whenever I fall for a girl, I fall for a beautiful one (of course) and can't seem to get her as I subconsciously put her on a pedestal and am super careful around her. I have the redpill awareness and all that (have had for years), but it just seems like I can't biologically get rid of being a super sensitive guy. I talk to my friends about this but their opinions are so varied that they don't help me at all. And this forum is heavily game focused and responds to these kinds of posts "pff weak beta get jacked and spin more plates", and while I do get the benefits of that, I can work out as much as my energy and time allows for it (side-career taking a lot of my free time), but as I'm an introvert, I NEVER approach women in public. I've been working out semi-regularly since earlier this year and hasn't really helped with my confidence much. I'm not sure what else to do to, as it would seem that I'm just a very sensitive kind of a guy.

 

[Atom Smasher]

How’s your daily small-talk with both men and women in your daily life?

Daily friendly small-talk with people grew my confidence drastically and it made life much more enjoyable. It was for me the key to learning to relax with women.

So give me an accurate and honest assessment of your daily small-talk with people you come in contact with.

 

[user252009]

How’s your daily small-talk with both men and women in your daily life?

Daily friendly small-talk with people grew my confidence drastically and it made life much more enjoyable. It was for me the key to learning to relax with women.

So give me an accurate and honest assessment of your daily small-talk with people you come in contact with.

I don't do small talk unless forced to (mostly at work), and then I keep it to minimum. I'm a quiet person for the most part and don't really talk a lot unless I have something to say.

 

[Atom Smasher]

Increasing your small-talk will open you up to an entire new world.

You need to start to be interested in others. “How has your day been? What’s on the agenda for today? Cool shirt. Nice car. Do you know where (x) is? Looks like we’re in for a downpour.”

Small-talk.

You are too turned inward. You need to turn outward and start to take an interest in others.

 

[user252009]

Increasing your small-talk will open you up to an entire new world.

You need to start to be interested in others. “How has your day been? What’s on the agenda for today? Cool shirt. Nice car. Do you know where (x) is? Looks like we’re in for a downpour.”

Small-talk.

You are too turned inward. You need to turn outward and start to take an interest in others.

I do that to some degree, but not actively. It just feels forced when I do that out of nowhere.

 

[Kotaix]

Whenever I fall for a girl, I fall for a beautiful one (of course) and can't seem to get her as I subconsciously put her on a pedestal and am super careful around her.

You're falling for one girl. I'm willing to bet you're fantasizing about her in your head and thinking about her all the time.

Being super careful is the worst possible thing you can do. It negates any chance that you can be spontaneous or outgoing. You're displaying fear at best, and if you're looking for the correct thing to say to win her favor, you're going to come across as manipulative too.

You can't "gain" confidence. The act of evaluating yourself against others or previous versions of yourself is precisely a lack of confidence.

Confidence is something you turn on, and it only comes when you can cease to be fearful of hypothetical outcomes. It arises naturally when you're no longer tied to outcomes. Especially fantasy outcomes that your mind may have dreamed up.

 

[BackInTheGame78]

Self confidence is just that. SELF.

As such, nobody can help you with that. It comes from within. Any form of confidence comes from within.

 

[Robert28]

Self confidence comes with success. Like another poster said, you’re just going to have to come out of your comfort zone and talk to people. I’m a lot like you to be honest, I rarely make small talk just to make it and I don’t hit on random women in public.

 

[user252009]

Any form of confidence comes from within.

How?

 

[user252009]

You're falling for one girl. I'm willing to bet you're fantasizing about her in your head and thinking about her all the time.

Being super careful is the worst possible thing you can do. It negates any chance that you can be spontaneous or outgoing. You're displaying fear at best, and if you're looking for the correct thing to say to win her favor, you're going to come across as manipulative too.

You can't "gain" confidence. The act of evaluating yourself against others or previous versions of yourself is precisely a lack of confidence.

Confidence is something you turn on, and it only comes when you can cease to be fearful of hypothetical outcomes. It arises naturally when you're no longer tied to outcomes. Especially fantasy outcomes that your mind may have dreamed up.

I know, indifference makes the biggest difference for sure. I just can't switch it off when I keep getting oneitis over and over again. I don't have enough women that I'm talking to / dating at the same time, the only time I was actively dating several women was when I was 27. I was indifferent to them a lot more than I am now, that's for sure, but I also did not plan to have anything long term with those. Now that every single woman is a prospect for a longer relationship, I guess I'm a lot more careful.

 

[anonymous12345]

Self confidence is that thing that is brought up over and over again, particular within game, rightfully.

Confidence comes from within, but that inner voice can be affected by externals. The goal is to be completely internally validated, not externally validated. The "inner voice" can be destroyed and built by externals. The goal is to disconnect and build an internal validation that pushes you in the surroundings you live in in the way you want. Damn I'm smart.

So, figure out some way to get your voice to say "you're great" to yourself. That has been my challenge without me realizing it, it's still an ongoing project, but have at least started. Many of the regulars here have great confidence.

If one has many set backs in life one easily gets hammered to pieces. Many new comers on SS seem to be in that position, "I'm middle aged and divorced/crisis, help".

If one have really poor confidence it's as if it gets set in stone and then isolated, it doesn't matter how much people yell in your face you're good or various positive attributes one has. One becomes a sucker for externals.

One's game follow there after, hypothetically a worshipping, conformant simp.

 

[anonymous12345]

Self confidence is a problem for me, in my game, probably. I have a draught and it's likely because of this. The only way to solve it is too raise my confidence by boot strapping, not through external validation by girl(s), since that won't happen due to the lack of confidence (catch 22). It's also a really poor solution, making one a sucker and chaser for poon, which I currently am.

 

[kavi]

You say you fall for beautiful women. If so, that means those women are giving you time of day and interacting with you enough for you to fall for them.

It looks you are getting opportunities but lack that killer instinct to turn opportunities into attraction.

Read this pimp book it might help you with mindset.

the_pimp_game_instructional_guide.pdf

View and download the_pimp_game_instructional_guide.pdf on DocDroid

www.docdroid.net

The pimp is confident because he knows the game.

What is the opposite of confidence? It is self doubt and reluctance questioning oneself ie NOT KNOWING WHAT TO DO.

Confidence is just knowing what to do.

A poor quality soccer player still has confidence on the pitch as long as he knows the game and knows what to do.

A good shooter lacks confidence when he doesn't know whether he should shoot or pass. A poor shooter has confidence when he does not doubt that he should shoot.

Confidence is not how good you are its whether you know or not what to do.

This is knowledge of Game when it relates to women.

You have to enjoy your interactions with women. Once you make enjoyment and adventure the goal of interacting with women rather than trying to 'get' them you will learn how to act what to do, learn about women and not have these problems.

Evry txt you send, do it cos you enjoy it. Do you enjoy being nice, confident, fun, flirtatous with women.

You are not doing this to get something you do it cos you enjoy it.

If you enjoy it then the woman will enjoy it and become hooked on you.

Small talk is not important but you just need to be able to have fun with it sometimes.

 

[Pierce Manhammer]

Are you sure that you’re looking to date women that are in your sexual market value range?

Most of the men that I know, they complain that they can never get the women that they are interested in are always over shooting their SMV by a good margin.

I'm 37, am doing well for myself, average looks I'd say but under average height for the country I'm living in, stable day job and interesting sidecareer, going to the gym, but when it comes to women I'm not the best. Whenever I fall for a girl, I fall for a beautiful one (of course) and can't seem to get her as I subconsciously put her on a pedestal and am super careful around her. I have the redpill awareness and all that (have had for years), but it just seems like I can't biologically get rid of being a super sensitive guy. I talk to my friends about this but their opinions are so varied that they don't help me at all. And this forum is heavily game focused and responds to these kinds of posts "pff weak beta get jacked and spin more plates", and while I do get the benefits of that, I can work out as much as my energy and time allows for it (side-career taking a lot of my free time), but as I'm an introvert, I NEVER approach women in public. I've been working out semi-regularly since earlier this year and hasn't really helped with my confidence much. I'm not sure what else to do to, as it would seem that I'm just a very sensitive kind of a guy.

 

[anonymous12345]

You have to enjoy your interactions with women. Once you make enjoyment and adventure the goal of interacting with women rather than trying to 'get' them you will learn how to act what to do, learn about women and not have these problems.

Evry txt you send, do it cos you enjoy it. Do you enjoy being nice, confident, fun, flirtatous with women.

You are not doing this to get something you do it cos you enjoy it.

If you enjoy it then the woman will enjoy it and become hooked on you.

Small talk is not important but you just need to be able to have fun with it sometimes.

Well, sometimes it is also combined with the ambition to reach that point. For instance, overcoming approach anxiety isn't joyful. Also, (cold) approaching can be a bit tedious, it's not like you know that an interaction will be good, she just looks good, that's all you know.

Many here advocate working volume, and it's a mechanical aspect to that.

But I like your general idea as quoted. Suavers I know in person have that trait, and when my game works it has that trait too. There is just a lot of sand, not only gold.

 

[user252009]

Evry txt you send, do it cos you enjoy it. Do you enjoy being nice, confident, fun, flirtatous with women.

You are not doing this to get something you do it cos you enjoy it.

If you enjoy it then the woman will enjoy it and become hooked on you.

I enjoy communication with women, but it seems to have become more difficult recently. They're putting in minimum effort to talk, either over text or in person. I don't know. I can't enjoy the conversation if it feels like the woman isn't enjoying it either, and at that point the fear increases, as I'm obviously not doing well progressing the process. It's already big enough fear as it is before I initiate contact, and then whatever small indication that she's not interested, exponentially increases my anxiety and just throws me into the downward spiral. Then the approach fails, I feel like **** again, and my desire to approach the next woman diminishes with each attempt. I don't know. I'm plenty confident with my work and my side career, but with women, I often feel like I'm clueless.

 

[kavi]

I enjoy communication with women, but it seems to have become more difficult recently. They're putting in minimum effort to talk, either over text or in person. I don't know. I can't enjoy the conversation if it feels like the woman isn't enjoying it either, and at that point the fear increases, as I'm obviously not doing well progressing the process. It's already big enough fear as it is before I initiate contact, and then whatever small indication that she's not interested, exponentially increases my anxiety and just throws me into the downward spiral. Then the approach fails, I feel like **** again, and my desire to approach the next woman diminishes with each attempt. I don't know. I'm plenty confident with my work and my side career, but with women, I often feel like I'm clueless.

Your not doing anything wrong. Women are ****s these days with talking and evrything really. They have been the prize too long and it aint working for them and hence theyre negativity has increased.

You say do what you enjoy. You know that 90% of women are not gonna respond to your message so you just say what you wanna say and see how it makes you feel. Dont txt to try and get a response. When you txt already assume she aint gonna respond so just txt whatever you wanna txt without txting what you think will get her to respond.

This is how you build confidence and it will help with other girls.

No guy is winning with women atm so you have no reason to feel bad.

Other guys here and elsewhere who are bragging are part of the problem not the solution.

When you are txting you need to think about saying fun and interesting and positive things not about whether she responds or not.

Figure out something cool and interesting to say or txt that makes you feel like its fun and interesting. Women will ignore and not respond to even the best txt game from the best guy. They are too cold and game playing.

So you cannot go by outcomes but you gotta learn to not give a **** and find that fun that can be had by txting a girl whatever u wanna say.

 

[DoubleBarrel]

Confidence is built by knowing what we want, pursuing it through education and trial, making mistakes, then learning from them for next time. This is how all competence and skill is developed. And when it comes to talking to people and making connections with them, the secret to success is to reach a level where you can predict and fashion the outcomes before they happen. There is a scientific method to winning peoples' Love and Respect. Once a man learns it, he can enter any conversation with anyone, navigate his way into their heart and reap the rewards. This results in confidence.

I would check this out and start putting into practice what you learn...

A Guide to Making Interesting Conversation

Introduction Most people are boring in their conversations. You ... may be boring. I don’t know yet. You may bore many of the people in your life ... and not even realize it yet. It’s possible. I certainly used to. But I do know they’d never tell you if they thought you were a bore to...

www.sosuave.net

 

[user252009]

I would check this out and start putting into practice what you learn...

A Guide to Making Interesting Conversation

Introduction Most people are boring in their conversations. You ... may be boring. I don’t know yet. You may bore many of the people in your life ... and not even realize it yet. It’s possible. I certainly used to. But I do know they’d never tell you if they thought you were a bore to...

www.sosuave.net

Thanks for the link. I don't have a problem making small talk with people I'm not interested in; I just choose not to. The problem is making conversation and raising the interest level in women I'm interested in.

 

[DoubleBarrel]

Thanks for the link. I don't have a problem making small talk with people I'm not interested in; I just choose not to. The problem is making conversation and raising the interest level in women I'm interested in.

When you understand that making a connection with a woman is the result of you getting to know her and what her life is all about and her getting to know you and what your life is all about, and you know how to put these conditions into place through how you lead your conversations, your problem will vanish!