Help me gain self confidence

[user252009]

When you understand that making a connection with a woman is the result of you getting to know her and what her life is all about and her getting to know you and what your life is all about, and you know how to put these conditions into place through how you lead your conversations, your problem will vanish!

Not really; the coworker I’ve been crushing on and I have had very pleasant conversations on these topics but she didn’t ask me much in return, so conversations are a small part of raising interest level. How about everything else.

 

[DoubleBarrel]

Not really; the coworker I’ve been crushing on and I have had very pleasant conversations on these topics but she didn’t ask me much in return, so conversations are a small part of raising interest level. How about everything else.

It's not her job to ask you about yourself and your life. You must volunteer. It's your responsibility to take the initiative and reveal these things to her tactfully as it relates to the topics of the conversations that arise.

 

[user252009]

It's not her job to ask you about yourself and your life. You must volunteer. It's your responsibility to take the initiative and reveal these things to her tactfully as it relates to the topics of the conversations that arise.

I will not have one sided conversations

 

[DoubleBarrel]

I will not have one sided conversations

Where did I ever say you should?

 

[kavi]

I dont really value having these type of conversations ie getting to know likes vs dislikes, where have you travelled to, etc etc.

Factual getting to know you conversations are boring and rather meaningless in a courtship setting.

Attraction has nothing to with whether you both like chinese food or whether you vote right or left.

These conversations you have with men. I dont care what a woman thinks of my food or music taste because we are not the same person.

To interact with women it is all about attraction. For that it is all about banter, fun, intrigue, confidence, emotions etc.

You are better off having a debate/argument with a woman cos she will be attracted to that than some guy spending 30mins with boring unemotional convo.

Your intelligence, social and conversational abilities only add value to the extent they help to get her hot and interested. There has to be some passion or energy that you are bringing and that dont come from boring convo like whats your fav movie.

Its all about EFFECT.

 

[user252009]

Its all about EFFECT.

Agree, that’s why with this coworker we talked about families and personal things rather than the boring pleasantries. Trying to build rapport, but it’s very difficult to steer the directions from that to man-woman. I know it’s different for coworkers, but even with women outside of workplace, it’s like they don’t want the direction to be steering in that direction. Maybe I’m just ugly.

 

[kavi]

Agree, that’s why with this coworker we talked about families and personal things rather than the boring pleasantries. Trying to build rapport, but it’s very difficult to steer the directions from that to man-woman. I know it’s different for coworkers, but even with women outside of workplace, it’s like they don’t want the direction to be steering in that direction. Maybe I’m just ugly.

Personally i dont steer the convo towards man-woman or whatevr that is.

You being a man is simply your emotional strength within the interaction.

Man-women is not something i talk about it is just something that is. Infact, imo there is hardly any difference in the interaction and most women they just want to learn social skills and confidence which is why they interact with men in dating. This is what they value in men, what they want in themselves. Confidence, attraction, power. It is the same for men and women how to get it.

I think you are just making mistakes cos you are attempting a strategy that doesnt work for you. I dont do the man-women thing eithr it is kinda weird and beta imo.

You being a man isnt something you talk about unless u can say something very confident, profound and be very congruent about it.

But that is me maybe this works better for others i dunno.

 

[kavi]

The othr thing is you have to mix it up. If you are talking about personal stuff like family whatevr thats cool but to be interesting have to mix it up and keep her off guard and guessing where its gonna go next.

Sometimes be funny and make light meaningless banter or whatever evokes different emotions cos she needs to exp different emotions when talking to you, to keep her interested.

But it depends on her confidence level as higher confidence women will want that but less secure ones might not be able to handle it.

 

[We_ArE_VeNOM]

I'm 37, am doing well for myself, average looks I'd say but under average height for the country I'm living in, stable day job and interesting sidecareer, going to the gym, but when it comes to women I'm not the best.

Not only do I sympathize for you, but I am here for you.

Whenever I fall for a girl, I fall for a beautiful one (of course) and can't seem to get her as I subconsciously put her on a pedestal

It is ok to put women on a pedestal, as long as it is for the right reasons.

Putting a woman on a pedestal based on her looks is a no-go.

Put a woman on a pedestal based on how she treats you.

Would you rather have a beautiful woman who responds slow to your texts and acts dismissively towards you...or an average-looking woman who randomly sends you a text like "Hey, I am grabbing some Chinese food when I get off work, would you like me to get you something while I am there?"

The higher a woman values you, the higher on a pedestal (totem pole) she goes.

and am super careful around her.

Please do not not devalue yourself.

Be as super careful around her, as she is with you.

I have the redpill awareness and all that (have had for years), but it just seems like I can't biologically get rid of being a super sensitive guy.

That is because you are a man with a scarcity mindset.

You have to build yourself up and get to the point of abundance.

Do you think you will be a super sensitive guy if you had a 6-7 woman rotation?

I don't.

Build yourself up, do not tear yourself down.

You can do it, one step at a time.

I talk to my friends about this but their opinions are so varied that they don't help me at all.

Once you build/level yourself up, you will find yourself helping THEM.

Like the rapper Nelly once stated in a song..

"Niggas that loaned me, now, they OWE me"

Basically, he was once broke and had to borrow money from people...and now that he leveled up, those same people borrowed money from him and now they owe him money.

That is where you want to be.

And this forum is heavily game focused and responds to these kinds of posts "pff weak beta get jacked and spin more plates", and while I do get the benefits of that, I can work out as much as my energy and time allows for it (side-career taking a lot of my free time), but as I'm an introvert, I NEVER approach women in public.

But you should, and you can.

All you have to do is start off SLOW.

Start slow.

Set obtainable goals for yourself, which goes a little something like this..

"Every day, I will approach at LEAST one woman per day".

Do this every day....approach at least one woman per day.

Set this goal for yourself, and STICK to it.

Now, there are 30-31 days in the month.

If you approach at LEAST one woman per day, that is 30-31 women per month.

Out of those 30-31 women, at least 9 of them should be feeling you.

And of those 9 that are feeling you, you should be able to smash at least 2-3 of them.

Even if you carry this on for an entire YEAR, that is roughly around 24 women that you've smashed in one year alone...and that is on the low end.

On the high end, you are talking about 36+ women that you would have smashed in one year.

So, do you see how just setting small goals (one woman per day) can lead to big results (24-36 women in a year)?

I've been working out semi-regularly since earlier this year and hasn't really helped with my confidence much. I'm not sure what else to do to, as it would seem that I'm just a very sensitive kind of a guy.

You say you've been working out...have you been seeing gains? If not, increase the weight/intensity of your workouts.

If so, then you have to get over this mental block and use your new body to your advantage.

 

[xplt]

OP, i have the impression that you don't trust yourself. Its noticable in your other tread about your coworker aswell.

 

[Kotaix]

I enjoy communication with women, but it seems to have become more difficult recently. They're putting in minimum effort to talk, either over text or in person. I don't know. I can't enjoy the conversation if it feels like the woman isn't enjoying it either, and at that point the fear increases, as I'm obviously not doing well progressing the process. It's already big enough fear as it is before I initiate contact, and then whatever small indication that she's not interested, exponentially increases my anxiety and just throws me into the downward spiral. Then the approach fails, I feel like **** again, and my desire to approach the next woman diminishes with each attempt. I don't know. I'm plenty confident with my work and my side career, but with women, I often feel like I'm clueless.

You need to overcome this fear or anxiety. This is the only thing you need to address in order to have more success with women because it's whats derailing all your interactions with the opposite sex.

You don't need to earn the right to not fear things, you just go for it. This is a problem of perspective.

 

[MtmVaott]

I share a lot of the problems you described.
Much has been said, and I agree with most. Confidence doesn't come from one single source, it comes from various (helpful) beliefs within yourself. So it's a lot of work in different aspects of yourself.

Personally, I failed just today to be a man and devalued myself in front of a (the same) woman (again). But I don't think anymore there is much to learn from it. Instead, always orient towards being a man. https://www.sosuave.net/forum/threads/be-a-man.16903/

Focus on where you want to go, not on how you don't want to be. You won't learn anything by thinking about your shortcomings. Those shortcomings are a result of your mindset, including your deepest beliefs.

Change yourself from within. Start with the beliefs and mindset.
And concurrently, behave like described in Pooks thread. Most of your behaviour you mentioned here will disappear instantly. You'll fail sometimes, but that's part of learning something you are not used to.

Edit: Now that I read Pooks post again: " Does not apologize for his testosterone, for his desires. "
You see? I became nervous in front of a woman and most certainly looked weird, helpless, insecure and so on from the outside.
But that's not helpful information for me. Helpful is I followed up my sexual desire, and wasn't confident enough in a positive outcome. I didn't talk to her with the intent of sympathy, but sex. That's from 0 to 100. Understandable to get shot down. Next time, I can just be more determined to get what I want.

 

[user252009]

Not only do I sympathize for you, but I am here for you.
Do this every day....approach at least one woman per day.
You say you've been working out...have you been seeing gains? If not, increase the weight/intensity of your workouts.

Thank you very much. I don't even go out in general public (i.e. to the city center) most days, only approximately once a week. So more like 1 a week. What do I even say to them, as I don't fluently speak the local language here? I don't have a particularly friendly appearance either. I haven't noticed much gains, I'd like to cut more but it's difficult, I have to almost starve myself in order to lose weight, and if I do that, I can't perform in the gym. I have a pretty strong body so am doing well in terms of performance/strength, compared to other guys there.

 

[We_ArE_VeNOM]

Thank you very much. I don't even go out in general public (i.e. to the city center) most days, only approximately once a week. So more like 1 a week

That is my point. You need to GET OUT more.

What do I even say to them, as I don't fluently speak the local language here?

Learn the language.

I don't have a particularly friendly appearance either. I haven't noticed much gains, I'd like to cut more but it's difficult, I have to almost starve myself in order to lose weight, and if I do that, I can't perform in the gym.

Do research and find the proper diet and workout plan and execute it.

I have a pretty strong body so am doing well in terms of performance/strength, compared to other guys there.

Well, there ya go.

 

[Kotaix]

What do I even say to them, as I don't fluently speak the local language here?

You'll be surprised how much people will open up if you're trying to learn their language and they realize this. All you have to do is say "please speak to me in X language" and they will be glad to help you out.

Go to a bar and talk to the waitress.

 

[Murk]

I was a shy child, my confidence came from working in the city in my early 20s. Being around loud characters (still friends with them to this day) and absorbing that energy. We worked in a rowdy sales environment, and I got used to speaking to people and building rapport, making small talk (still not my best asset), having banter. After work drinks mid-week and on Friday, client meetings and visits, hosting events, public speaking. Slowly I turned into a very confident person, I was always charming and quick-witted, but my work, speaking and interacting all day every day, allowed me to thrive.

I don't know what I would do if I didn't get into sales at a young age.