Heart wound re-opened!!!!

[RobLB]

I'm out last night having a good time at a local bar with my wingy(who's married) have a good buzz and chatting with some chics when he decides he's ready to go home. Well his home is only a few blocks away so I figure I take him home and come back since it's only 11pm. Well walking out the bar there sits my ex with a guy that I warned her about when we were dating because he's slept with every woman in town(small town) and she would always tell me she could never go out with him. And of course she waves at me as I walk by.

Well in about 2 seconds I lost my buzz and became a nervous wreck. I took my friend home and then went home myself. And now I'm up at 4:30am having those sh!ty feelings again that took me 3 months to get rid of. It's like my stab wound has reopened again!!! It's not as bad as it was 3 months ago but it's still there. It seems that I should be able to handle seeing the ex out better than that but last night really got to me for some reason. Maybe it's because of the holiday's or maybe it's because I haven't been with another woman since the ex,..who knows.

 

[joekerr31]

its because you have low self esteem.

so when you see the ex with someone, and you don't hav esomeone on your arm, you think "god, i look like such a loser". then you probably start beating yourself up over it.

you gotta not worry about what anyone else thinks of you, especially ex's.

everyone has this problem. this is why women will date guys they have ZERO interest in just so they will be seen as desirable to at least some man. it's also why women will stay with a guy until a better one comes along.

women can't stand to be seen as single. they'd rather been seen as the town wh*re than be seen as single.

its quite sad really.

people, men and women, need to learn to love themselves, whatever their state in life is.

i strongly suggest looking at your situation a bit differently. really, she was the pathetic one last night. she lowered her standards and is out with a guy that is the male town wh*re because she can't find a quality man.
i mean, if she had any self respect she wouldn't go out with a guy who she earlier said that she'd NEVER go out with.

she went out with him because she had no other options.

J

 

[RobLB]

I don't know joekerr, it didn't really bother me seeing her with someone else but it bothered me more actually seeing her. It's like Trim had mentioned before about your mother all of a sudden not wanting to see you anymore and then going through all the anguish of that and then 3 months later u accidentally run into her somewhere.

It's weird but after all the crap that happened I still have hidden feelings for her that I guess only show themselves when I see her. One of the disadvantages of living in a small town.

 

[joekerr31]

hmmm

i suppose. but if you have hidden feelings for her then you wouldnt be cool seeing her with another guy right?

perhaps its more that she knows you intimiately, and when you are out and about you've got your game face on. and when you see her the two worlds clash and your mind doesn't know which role to adopt?

J

 

[RobLB]

Originally posted by joekerr31
perhaps its more that she knows you intimiately, and when you are out and about you've got your game face on. and when you see her the two worlds clash and your mind doesn't know which role to adopt?

Yes,..that is pretty much it. But seeing her with that loser wouldn't bother as much as seeing her with a respectable guy because according to his cousin(a female friend of mine) he is still in love with some other chic and I know she is just out with him because she couldn't find anybody else to take his place, just what you said previously...

 

[TheTrimReaper]

Rob,

Damn, you see your ex a lot. I haven't seen mine, nor will I probably ever.

Don't feel bad man. I totally understand how you are feeling.

I asked my friend Fabio, who was married for 15 years, how long it took for him to get over his wife. After being divorced for five years, he said,"I've never gotten over her, and I'm not sure I ever will." So three months isn't really a long time when you think about it.

Also, I think when you get to a certain level of maturity, you are able to really commit yourself to people. And that is why it gets harder to get over them. It takes longer.

If I were in your shoes, I'm sure I wouldn't have done as well as you did Rob.

And as far as the woman going out with Citizen Dildo, she's free to go for the "quality" guys Rob.

Look at who she really is man. She dumped you, and she's out with him. He's a guy who wants another woman because your ex isn't worth it to him. But she's not with it enough that she actually sees this as a challenge. She would rather get treated that way than be with a person who was ready to commit, and therefore create value in the relationship. Don't forget this.

As far as what she said about him, I think you failed to translate her ********. It's always the opposite with women. Their degree of disgust indicates their degree of interest. There is a quote from Hamlet that says it all about women: "The lady doth protest too much, methinks." So when a woman protests too much, you can pretty much bank on it being true.

I'm sure the feelings you are getting are some rough ones. You must be suffering, and that's a bummer. I don't know what you do to get over stuff, but do whatever you can Rob. I know the intense feelings, and they really do make you suffer. Feel free to PM me if I there is anything I can do.

 

[legolas]

Wow I can't believe she still has that kind of power with you. It seems you didn't effectively disconnect after you broke up, also seeing her with that dude who slpet with every chick in town got you mad because of jealousy. Jealousy is merely the feelings you get when you feel a loss of options and you are mad that this guy has the reputation as a male ho and still manages to get your girl. It shows that women will see a guy based mostly on her perceptions of him as a wanted man, a bad boy, a "project" I guess she wussyied you and now wanted to see if she can wussyfy him too. Sorry if that hurts, but maybe you need some tough love

 

[TheTrimReaper]

Legolas,

I'm totally not surpised to hear this. Sounds pretty normal.

He said he wasn't upset about seeing her with the guy. He was upset for seeing her in general. A few weeks ago, Rob was on here trying to muster up support. He wanted to be able to have a good time at party he knew he was going to see her at. This time, he wasn't ready, and I think it caught him off guard.

And I don't agree that he was "wussyfied". He probably loved her. And if you love someone, those feelings aren't going to go away in a month, three months, or a year, I'm sorry to say. It'd be great if one were able to get over getting dumped by someone he loved in three months. But that just isn't going to happen.

Why are we all on here? We are on here to have relationships with women. But if we are so concerned about being wusses, then we are never going to be able to have anything meaningful.

Rob committed himself and got burnt. It happens to the best of us. Now he is recovering. He's a man, no more no less. He's alone, but he'll get over it and find a better woman for him.

 

[RobLB]

Thanks guys for your comments.

It so weird cause I was doing great until last night. Maybe its because she actually waved and smiled at me as I walked by and before she wouldn't even look at me. The look on her face almost looked like she felt sorry for me, it's a look I haven't seen in a while. Kinda like she new she was the guilty one for once. I just don't know.

Today has been the worst for me in a long time, except when I took my little girl to church this morning. And I had been doing so well being by myself gaining self confidence, but now I feel like I am trying to get back on the ladder that I was almost to the top of. I hate to say it but I'll be glad when the Holidays are over!! But then I'll be turning the big "FOUR 0" in January,..I can't wait for that!!

Thanks again for your words of wisdom, they do help alot!!

 

[GuitarPlayer]

Originally posted by RobLB
It so weird cause I was doing great until last night. Maybe its because she actually waved and smiled at me as I walked by and before she wouldn't even look at me. The look on her face almost looked like she felt sorry for me, it's a look I haven't seen in a while.

This part may be a bit telling. She smiled and waved at you as her way of saying, "hey, I'm having a great time and I don't need you!" even if she is totally not feeling that way. She was trying to somewhat rub it in your face that she was with someone else. Maybe not necessarily in a "mean" way, but that's the nature of women.

Think about it. If she had been there alone and you had a girl on your arm, especially one prettier than her, wouldn't it have been tempting to do the same to her?

For this reason, I wouldn't take any of this to heart too much.

 

[RobLB]

Originally posted by GuitarPlayer
Think about it. If she had been there alone and you had a girl on your arm, especially one prettier than her, wouldn't it have been tempting to do the same to her?

The thing is I've seen her with this guy before and she never even glanced my way and also she was with one of her best (girl)friends as well. I know her well enough that she is not the "rub it in your face" type person. Well,....at least I though I did.
Plus I'm not trying to brag or anything but this guy is not good looking at all, but like joekerr said she was probably with because she couldn't find anyone better.

I am a little better today. Kinda bad when you actually want to go to work so your not alone!! I feel kinda pathetic for letting myself feel this way over this person.

 

[decades]

You know what, I Believe you thought she was a personality disordered person. If so they make a massive impression on us, even in a short time. For me the advice of going No Contact always applies with these people. I've noticed more folks thinking they can handle even incidental contact with them and they are soon brought to their knees.

This is not a weakness on your part. Its simply an aknowledgement that it takes a heck of a long time to recover from being with them and that we should maintain a very strict no contact poliicy for as long as possible. And that mean NOT going to places where they hang or parties where they may be.

regards

 

[Unscarred]

I have to agree with persistent, even after my last gf moved half way accross the country, she still put the screws to me every time she e-mailed me. Til I put a stop to it and told her politely to leave me alone, b/c it was the best thing for me to hell with what she wanted or felt... it took the self preservation a while to kick in, but once it did... everything under the sun made sense.
it won't happen overnight, but you will eventually feel better once it's gone for good...

 

[speedo_meme]

I'm in the same boat Rob. I'll spare you the whole story, but all in all I still get rattled when I see my ex in public or hear about her. It's like I get thrown completely off my game. I have a good girl now too, but it's like you just can't shake that feeling.

No one here has answered the question of what exactly you can do to help yourself. The only thing I've done is try to avoid her at all costs, but this in itself is not healthy. What we are looking for here is to be able to be comfortable and normal around your ex just like she was anybody else, where it really doesn't bother you to see her. I don't know if it can be done, maybe the two people should talk about it, h*ll if I know. Nothing I've tried has worked. For one, whoever did the dumping isn't going to care enough to talk to the one who's hurting. I know my ex doesn't give a sh*t. Maybe that's the motivation there. And time. I guess time will heal all wounds....

 

[RobLB]

Originally posted by persistent exaction
And that mean NOT going to places where they hang or parties where they may be.

I am really trying to do this. Unfortunatly living in a small town it's going to happen. Especially this bar we were at she never goes there but she knew it was my favorite place to go. There are only a couple of cool (older people) bars in town.

In fact I was talking to this one chic and I actually told her I was coming back after I took my wingy home and she seemed like she was interested, but as soon as I saw "it" I lost it and went home. It's weird I was litterally shaking when I got in my car!! How bad is that???

I know one thing that bothers me is that it's the holidays and this is the time we met and the memories are killing me...

I guess It's just gonna take more time

 

[TheTrimReaper]

Rob,

Sorry man. I don't think three months is a long time at all if you cared about her.

The holidays DO suck. I've never had to go through it, but now I understand all of the news articles about divorced people jumping off bridges on the holidays. It's totally friggin' depressing, and you met her on the holidays nonetheless.

I'm already dreading the X-mas bullsh1t. Whenever I hear a X-mas song on the radio, I turn it off. I heard a guy whistling some X-mas stuff and I instantly disliked him! I'm so p1ssed because it hurts really.

 

[RobLB]

Yeah,..I think the holidays are a true test. But please get those bridge jumping thoughts out of your head!!!! I know it's tough.

I'm sure I'll end up staying with my parents on Christmas eve. Almost 40 and spending the night with your parents,.....but it really won't bother me and I know it won't bother them. I'm sure they will love to have me stay with them. But I'm sure there are alot of people out there that won't even have a place to stay on Christmas!! Just think how alone they feel....

My wingy invited me to a huge christmas eve party that he says there will be an enormous amount of snap(chics) at, so at least I'll have something to look forward to...

Take care all...

 

[joekerr31]

one day your parents are going to be dead and you'd give anything in the world to spend just one more christmas with them.

dont take for granted the gifts life gives you. spending xmas with your parents is a gift. if you had some chics on your arm maybe you wouldnt get to do so.

Rob, you're doing great nad you're an inspiration to all the guys in here.

J

 

[WestCoaster]

I still spend Christmas with my parents and I'm older than you, Rob. I don't see them that much -- I live 350 miles away. I have a great time ... my dad and I both really like sports and follow the regional college teams really well. He got me into sports at a young age. I can't put a price on that, to be honest. And my dad is getting really old, he's not going to be around forever. I cherish every moment ... and frankly, my parents have been better company than many women I've dated.

Enjoy life, enjoy the moment. I feel for you and your divorce, that's tough for anyone. Hold your head up and be proud of who you are and that no one can take away your pride and dignity.

Have a great holiday season.

 

[Maverick001]

Hey RobLB,

Just spend your time with your friends and family and surround yourself with that support and kinship.

Maybe after X-Mas you might want to think about leaving that small town of yours, if possible. New year, new beginnings, new surroundings, larger pool of women for you to swim in, etc. The best way to get over a woman is to get over another one, as they say.

Yeah, divorce is a grind, but it will pass. It will get better, guaranteed. I know what of I speak because I just got through one myself. You`re going to be allright.

Cheers,
Mav