Have I become a jerk?

[GTS Jeff]

Hey, I'm a long time reader, first time poster (I think).

Anyway, the DJ forums have helped me out lots. I always had the DJ in me, but the DJ forums have helped me with letting it all out.

Back in my AFC days, I always had terrible luck with women, but ever since doing the DJ thing, I've been going out with an awesome woman (who my former AFC self would have considered "out of my league") for almost 7 months. But here is where the problems arise. She always voices her concerns that "I don't care for her as much as she cares for me" and that "I'm not letting myself get wrapped up in the relationship because I am afraid to be vulnerable". This issue arises every now and then and I need to figure out a permanent solution. She also tells me that she is sometimes jealous of her friends' boyfriends (AFCs) because 'they' do more sweet things than me. Her examples are "whosoever always writes love poems and leaves romantic little notes for her" and, "they always celebrate their anniversary every month."

In my mind, these sorts of things are a bit much and the last thing I'm doing is writing love poems. All this is starting to make me wonder, have I become a jerk? Have I gone too far? I do plenty of sweet things for my girl to make her feel good, not to the point of excessiveness, but I do do special things. I know that I'm a damn good boyfriend (she has said so too) but it's like my girlfriend is begging me to be a little more AFC...

What do you guys think?

 

[L-I-B]

yeah I think doing a little more of the "sweet stuff" wouldn't hurt, I thinkt the point stressed in the DJ system is not to do it so much that it drives the attraction and the woman away.

 

[Sisko]

No, you are doing it just right.
The girlfriends will get bored of their clingy boyfriends shorely.

But it doesn't hurt do do something nice to your girl every once in awhile, jus not too much. I think you found the balance, it is good to make her want you.

 

[JR2003]

I made a similar post yesterday. Basically the guide (so far) doesn't tell you when to "let your guard down" and fully embrase the relationship. Surely by hiding your feelings and trying to not be too soppy you'll never show how you really feel. I'm sure that would make the girl insecure about the relationship + also get very frustrated.

My guess is to do with the old fishing line. When the line starts to get a bit slack (she's after more attention) then you should show her something extra (hopefully she wont have to ask). Do something to show that you do care, if the soppiness seems to continue a bit longer than you expected, make youself unavailable for a day or so. Keep her on the "line" but dont let her get too close or too far away.

Seems like hard work though

I guess thats all we expect from girls though!

 

[squirrels]

Give her a taste of it every now and then to keep her going. Even dogs stop doing tricks if you don't toss 'em a biscuit every once in a while for their troubles.

You don't want to do it so much that she comes to EXPECT it, but every once in a great while, do something that she can tell her friends about.

 

[bp1974]

Listen to Squirrels. And bear in mind that by not doing those sappy things all the time, on those very few occasions when you do, it will mean that much more to her.

Another point - are you sure you've understood her? You've linked her complaints about you not doing sappy things to her saying that you are afraid to show your vulnerability. That doesn't seem to sit right. Sappy things are not about showing how you feel, they're about being a little bit playful every once in a while.

I suspect that what she was talking about when saying that you don't show your vulnerability was that you're afraid to show your feelings for her at all. You keep yourself emotionally distant. Maybe you still feel that she's 'out of your league', and if she saw how you really felt, she might wise up and shipout? I'm guessing here, on very little info, so could be way off mark.

 

[Tantric]

nice to hear from a fellow Edmontonian!!

Anyway, i think you should ONLY do these "romantic things" if you feel like it. DOn't do it BECAUSE she wants you to.

Right now you are in control, and she's wrapped around your fingers. The problem is, once you start doing these things for her, she would have "changed" the guy she wanted (like most girls want) and you will no longer be a challenge.

Personally, when you FEEL like doing something, then it's the right time. Keep in mind girls always say what they think, not what they do...meaning she "says" she's jealous, and wants you to be like her other friends BF's...but if she was that unhappy, wouldn't she have dumped you?

Do it when you "feel" like it, but don't get too carried away...then you end up AFC land.

 

[Tantric]

P.S.

No, you haven't turned into a JERK...

 

[GTS Jeff]

wow this forums moves fast, my thread has slipped to the second page already! anyway, thanks for the replies guys, i am glad that i dont need to doubt myself after getting this far. i will continue to make her friends jealous.

 

[Aisle55]

Crazy, Edmontonians! What is that now 4 of us? Yea GTS, you haven't become a jerk. Trust me because I was for awhile and had a few female friends completely hate the 'revised' me heheh. It's true that the system doesn't let us know when to let our walls down. But we do know not to pour things on too thick. The concept of just sprinkling sweet things comes to mind though. Well, good luck with your woman, I'm out!