Handling Breakups

[Glassguy]

Break ups are tough. No doubt about it. In today's world it's very difficult to find a woman that seems to check all the boxes and things also seem to move along very smoothly and naturally.
I stopped a 3 girl rotation when I started dating Sarah. Great convo. Excellent dates. Great sex. She had super high interest. She was planning things a month out. Invited me to go on a 3 day pre Christmas trip with her extended family.
A week ago her texting was a little off. Spent all day at a college football game Saturday. Things were great. I could go into Sarah's past marriage/relationships but for the sake of time, I'll just say that they weren't good. So here comes Glassguy and she falls head over heels. Until yesterday. Today we had the conversation of her telling me that she doesn't feel ready for a relationship (been seeing each other for 6weeks). About the time that things seem to hit a rough patch. Now I'm very close friends with a guy who is one of her in laws. I have no suspicion of another man in the picture.
SoSuave posters preach "block her", "cut her off from your life".......I didn't. I know what's going on in her head. Pressure. It built up and she freaked out. So we agreed to stop things. I followed up with a very nice text message and she did the same.
She got a little tiffed when I mentioned getting my extra bottle of Versace cologne back that she took a while back so she could smell it when away from me. I told her to keep it in case she needed a reminder later . Me getting the cologne back meant finality. I'd rather keep the door open and she seemed to like that better than me getting it back.

Talking to @BeExcellent earlier, she pointed out a very good point- when a woman leaves with ALL positives and no negatives, they typically start questioning their decision to end things. They think about all the good dates. The good sex. The closeness. They miss it.

How will Sarah respond? Time will tell. She will definitely feel the void of the loss of my text messages, phone calls and dates. If that's all she misses she probably won't reach back out. But if she misses ME, she will.

I say this because I didn't purge her off my fb friends list. I didn't get all mad at her during our conversation. I simply AGREED with her by telling her that I didn't want to continue if she was unsure.

Unless a woman does something disrespectful that does deserve instant dismissal, just hold off. Be mature about the situation. Let things be. Sometimes relationships are like a boomerang. You have to agree to send it away just to see if it comes back.
But.....won't reach out. That's her job at this point. But I left the door open because I care about her and in a lot of ways I understand her situation. It doesn't mean that I agree with it, but I understand to a point how women think about things and process things.

It's not a one size fits all approach. It's a situational decision. But it stings a little when you sift through enough trash in the dating world to find someone worth investing in.
Patience is something I struggle with on occasion. I see something I want and I go after it. I've always been that way.
But if you're in a non disrespectful breakup, sit tight. Just agree, communicate the fun you've had together and then go quiet. Don't do anything rash or rush to conclusions, as easy as it can be to do.

Happy Hunting

 

[metalwater]

Break ups are tough. No doubt about it. In today's world it's very difficult to find a woman that seems to check all the boxes and things also seem to move along very smoothly and naturally.
I stopped a 3 girl rotation when I started dating Sarah. Great convo. Excellent dates. Great sex. She had super high interest. She was planning things a month out. Invited me to go on a 3 day pre Christmas trip with her extended family.
A week ago her texting was a little off. Spent all day at a college football game Saturday. Things were great. I could go into Sarah's past marriage/relationships but for the sake of time, I'll just say that they weren't good. So here comes Glassguy and she falls head over heels. Until yesterday. Today we had the conversation of her telling me that she doesn't feel ready for a relationship (been seeing each other for 6weeks). About the time that things seem to hit a rough patch. Now I'm very close friends with a guy who is one of her in laws. I have no suspicion of another man in the picture.
SoSuave posters preach "block her", "cut her off from your life".......I didn't. I know what's going on in her head. Pressure. It built up and she freaked out. So we agreed to stop things. I followed up with a very nice text message and she did the same.
She got a little tiffed when I mentioned getting my extra bottle of Versace cologne back that she took a while back so she could smell it when away from me. I told her to keep it in case she needed a reminder later . Me getting the cologne back meant finality. I'd rather keep the door open and she seemed to like that better than me getting it back.

Talking to @BeExcellent earlier, she pointed out a very good point- when a woman leaves with ALL positives and no negatives, they typically start questioning their decision to end things. They think about all the good dates. The good sex. The closeness. They miss it.

How will Sarah respond? Time will tell. She will definitely feel the void of the loss of my text messages, phone calls and dates. If that's all she misses she probably won't reach back out. But if she misses ME, she will.

I say this because I didn't purge her off my fb friends list. I didn't get all mad at her during our conversation. I simply AGREED with her by telling her that I didn't want to continue if she was unsure.

Unless a woman does something disrespectful that does deserve instant dismissal, just hold off. Be mature about the situation. Let things be. Sometimes relationships are like a boomerang. You have to agree to send it away just to see if it comes back.
But.....won't reach out. That's her job at this point. But I left the door open because I care about her and in a lot of ways I understand her situation. It doesn't mean that I agree with it, but I understand to a point how women think about things and process things.

It's not a one size fits all approach. It's a situational decision. But it stings a little when you sift through enough trash in the dating world to find someone worth investing in.
Patience is something I struggle with on occasion. I see something I want and I go after it. I've always been that way.
But if you're in a non disrespectful breakup, sit tight. Just agree, communicate the fun you've had together and then go quiet. Don't do anything rash or rush to conclusions, as easy as it can be to do.

Happy Hunting

is this as simple as her interest goes down when you commit and become loyal to her? this equals a big change in your vibe to her.

 

[Willie Naylor]

Break ups are tough. No doubt about it. In today's world it's very difficult to find a woman that seems to check all the boxes and things also seem to move along very smoothly and naturally.
I stopped a 3 girl rotation when I started dating Sarah. Great convo. Excellent dates. Great sex. She had super high interest. She was planning things a month out. Invited me to go on a 3 day pre Christmas trip with her extended family.
A week ago her texting was a little off. Spent all day at a college football game Saturday. Things were great. I could go into Sarah's past marriage/relationships but for the sake of time, I'll just say that they weren't good. So here comes Glassguy and she falls head over heels. Until yesterday. Today we had the conversation of her telling me that she doesn't feel ready for a relationship (been seeing each other for 6weeks). About the time that things seem to hit a rough patch. Now I'm very close friends with a guy who is one of her in laws. I have no suspicion of another man in the picture.
SoSuave posters preach "block her", "cut her off from your life".......I didn't. I know what's going on in her head. Pressure. It built up and she freaked out. So we agreed to stop things. I followed up with a very nice text message and she did the same.
She got a little tiffed when I mentioned getting my extra bottle of Versace cologne back that she took a while back so she could smell it when away from me. I told her to keep it in case she needed a reminder later . Me getting the cologne back meant finality. I'd rather keep the door open and she seemed to like that better than me getting it back.

Talking to @BeExcellent earlier, she pointed out a very good point- when a woman leaves with ALL positives and no negatives, they typically start questioning their decision to end things. They think about all the good dates. The good sex. The closeness. They miss it.

How will Sarah respond? Time will tell. She will definitely feel the void of the loss of my text messages, phone calls and dates. If that's all she misses she probably won't reach back out. But if she misses ME, she will.

I say this because I didn't purge her off my fb friends list. I didn't get all mad at her during our conversation. I simply AGREED with her by telling her that I didn't want to continue if she was unsure.

Unless a woman does something disrespectful that does deserve instant dismissal, just hold off. Be mature about the situation. Let things be. Sometimes relationships are like a boomerang. You have to agree to send it away just to see if it comes back.
But.....won't reach out. That's her job at this point. But I left the door open because I care about her and in a lot of ways I understand her situation. It doesn't mean that I agree with it, but I understand to a point how women think about things and process things.

It's not a one size fits all approach. It's a situational decision. But it stings a little when you sift through enough trash in the dating world to find someone worth investing in.
Patience is something I struggle with on occasion. I see something I want and I go after it. I've always been that way.
But if you're in a non disrespectful breakup, sit tight. Just agree, communicate the fun you've had together and then go quiet. Don't do anything rash or rush to conclusions, as easy as it can be to do.

Happy Hunting

Thanks for sharing. Sarah does sound like a keeper. I hope you two rekindle things at some point.

 

[Stuffnu]

Ohh, have we all been there before.
The hardest thing that took me to learn is not to beg or plead.
Accept, hold your head high and walk out the door.

 

[BadBoy89]

I stopped a 3 girl rotation when I started dating Sarah. Great convo. Excellent dates. Great sex. She had super high interest. She was planning things a month out. Invited me to go on a 3 day pre Christmas trip with her extended family.
A week ago her texting was a little off.

There must have been something that happened from Great sex, super high interest, 100% in love to "texting a bit off."

My guess is she watched an episode of Sex and the City, but who knows.

 

[Konada]

6 weeks seems like a pretty short time to be considering a relationship with someone, I would advise to do careful screening and go with your gut feel of when it is to consider a relationship.

Anyway, well played. I would've done the same as you albeit abit differently - let her know 6 weeks is pretty short for me to consider a relationship with someone, and to leave the ball in her court whether she wishes to feel things out or end it.

Many ways to skin a cat.

Other than that, life goes on.

 

[Zimbabwe]

I could go into Sarah's past marriage/relationships but for the sake of time,

Not to be an armchair psychologist, but could this be a contributing factor in her sudden "change of heart". Those negative experiences could have come back to haunt her, perhaps she didn't want to be potentially "hurt" again if she falls too deeply for you.

 

[BackInTheGame78]

Not to be an armchair psychologist, but could this be a contributing factor in her sudden "change of heart". Those negative experiences could have come back to haunt her, perhaps she didn't want to be potentially "hurt" again if she falls too deeply for you.

This happens a lot...some women want closeness but are freaked out once it happens and need to run away

 

[Konada]

This happens a lot...some women want closeness but are freaked out once it happens and need to run away

Ironically, you can only have closeness when you open yourself up to being hurt.

True vulnerability comes from trusting the other person not to hurt you, but also knowing that you won't die from the hurt.

 

[Glassguy]

Not to be an armchair psychologist, but could this be a contributing factor in her sudden "change of heart". Those negative experiences could have come back to haunt her, perhaps she didn't want to be potentially "hurt" again if she falls too deeply for you.

It absolutely is a factor. IMO, the main factor. Marriage 1 was 9 years. Ended about 9 years ago.
Marriage 2 was 2 years ago. They dated for 6 months and got married. Total disaster. He moved in with her, 7 months later she filed and kicked him out. Lasted a year, including the time it took for the divorce to be finalized.
After that she dated one guy for about 3 months other than me. Told me he was the only guy she'd been with other than me since her divorce. He was divorced and started banging his ex wife and she caught him.

So her track record on picking winners hasn't been great. And the main factor in her change of behavior. I did something that probably sparked some pressure of a relationship around the corner. I certainly saw it coming....thought she did too since she invited me to a family Christmas function lasting 4 days 5 hours from home.
I think pressure started building quickly between those past experiences and how she felt about me.

I'm not bragging when I say I've dated tons of women. Most don't get a second date and I've seen it all. But the script couldn't have been written better in the way the last 6 weeks went. I can tell from past dating experience when a woman begins "falling" for me. She started after 2 weeks.
Ultimately I think she panicked, made the decision to face the hurt of walking away from me realizing it stings less than if things developed even further and it hurt more later if it didn't end up working out.
Which is ultimately the question I would love for her to answer if I didn't go radio silent at this point.
It's a tricky situation. Trying to talk to her about it wouldn't do me any favors right now. It would only help if she decided that her decision to end things was the wrong one. That will only happen if I give her S&D so she can reflect on these last 6 weeks, which I'm sure she will.

 

[Glassguy]

Ironically, you can only have closeness when you open yourself up to being hurt.

True vulnerability comes from trusting the other person not to hurt you, but also knowing that you won't die from the hurt.

Well put.
Honestly, I went back and forth early on about opening up a little after she opened up to me. But I did. I made myself vulnerable and here I am. It stings and it only stings because I started caring about her.

 

[Glassguy]

is this as simple as her interest goes down when you commit and become loyal to her? this equals a big change in your vibe to her.

I never committed. It was actually never discussed. I would never be the one to bring up the idea of a relationship with a woman. But a friend of mine posted pics several weeks ago on fb and tagged her. Several of the pics were her and I and it was clear we were together at this particular college football game. She met this friend of mine (who is a female), hit it off with her and added her on fb. So when the pics were posted, my friend tagged her in them. She doesn't like posting personal stuff on fb, so she mentioned that but then went and added pics to the 2 of us to my friends post.
2 weeks later I posted pics after another game, which was this past Sunday. I could tell it weirded her out. We discussed it and she thought it crossed a boundary.......presumably because I was the one that did it. I think that caused pressure from appearing that I was pushing for something more and her previous relationship demons started dancing in her head.

 

[Konada]

It absolutely is a factor. IMO, the main factor. Marriage 1 was 9 years. Ended about 9 years ago.
Marriage 2 was 2 years ago. They dated for 6 months and got married. Total disaster. He moved in with her, 7 months later she filed and kicked him out. Lasted a year, including the time it took for the divorce to be finalized.
After that she dated one guy for about 3 months other than me. Told me he was the only guy she'd been with other than me since her divorce. He was divorced and started banging his ex wife and she caught him.

So her track record on picking winners hasn't been great. And the main factor in her change of behavior. I did something that probably sparked some pressure of a relationship around the corner. I certainly saw it coming....thought she did too since she invited me to a family Christmas function lasting 4 days 5 hours from home.
I think pressure started building quickly between those past experiences and how she felt about me.

I'm not bragging when I say I've dated tons of women. Most don't get a second date and I've seen it all. But the script couldn't have been written better in the way the last 6 weeks went. I can tell from past dating experience when a woman begins "falling" for me. She started after 2 weeks.
Ultimately I think she panicked, made the decision to face the hurt of walking away from me realizing it stings less than if things developed even further and it hurt more later if it didn't end up working out.
Which is ultimately the question I would love for her to answer if I didn't go radio silent at this point.
It's a tricky situation. Trying to talk to her about it wouldn't do me any favors right now. It would only help if she decided that her decision to end things was the wrong one. That will only happen if I give her S&D so she can reflect on these last 6 weeks, which I'm sure she will.

I have a hunch that she would probably need some sense of security from you that the same story won't play out with you.

For your consideration, you could say something like "I understand that you have been hurt in the past, I cannot guarantee I can't hurt you, but I can guarantee I won't hurt you intentionally."

Leave the ball in her court whether she wants to continue seeing you or not. Sometimes women need a little hand holding through their traumas.

 

[Glassguy]

You've done the right thing and you're in the strongest position possible to hear from her again.

My only advice in the meantime is to hedge. You might never hear from her again so you should be going out and meeting new women in this time.

Agree to both. I'm not going to sit around boo hoo'ing around. I actually hung out with a chick this evening that has been hitting me up for months.
It was way too soon and awkward af (on my end). I felt borderline guilty and felt like I made a mistake as soon as we met up. That feeling never left all evening. I'm going to take a week and just do my own thing before I start scheduling any more dates.

Its hope for the best but plan for the worst. I agree that based on how the last 6 weeks went on all levels I'll be living in her head for a while. She is a strong independent woman. So I think the chances are 50%- 75% that she reaches back out in the next week.

 

[The Duke]

@Glassguy -Uncle Howie thinks this girl has some attachment disorder issues. Slippery slope to be on. Nothing you can do. Withdrawing attention will draw her near but will be never cure. Been in your shoes before.

 

[Glassguy]

I have a hunch that she would probably need some sense of security from you that the same story won't play out with you.

For your consideration, you could say something like "I understand that you have been hurt in the past, I cannot guarantee I can't hurt you, but I can guarantee I won't hurt you intentionally."

Leave the ball in her court whether she wants to continue seeing you or not. Sometimes women need a little hand holding through their traumas.

I sent you a PM

 

[Glassguy]

I have a hunch that she would probably need some sense of security from you that the same story won't play out with you.

For your consideration, you could say something like "I understand that you have been hurt in the past, I cannot guarantee I can't hurt you, but I can guarantee I won't hurt you intentionally."

Leave the ball in her court whether she wants to continue seeing you or not. Sometimes women need a little hand holding through their traumas.

I agree, but my actions over the last 6 weeks should have been that assurance. But women also like to hear things too. They like reassurance.

 

[Glassguy]

@Glassguy -Uncle Howie thinks this girl has some attachment disorder issues. Slippery slope to be on. Been in your shoes before.

I wouldn't argue that. Especially given her past relationships. But I knew this early on when she discussed her past with me.

 

[jimwho]

thought she did too since she invited me to a family Christmas function lasting 4 days 5 hours from home.

Don't rule out being kokbloked by a friend or relative. You never know.

 

[Dash Riprock]

Hey GG, I think we've all dated the attachment-phobe at some point. Things are going great then boom they pull the rug out from under you and give you a lame reason. These types can be tough to sniff out because it happens unexpectedly.

It sucks at first but the clouds quickly part and relief sets in. This woman will hop from guy to guy doing the same thing until she's 55 and used up. Her past history speaks to this; two sides to every story.

You're a senior member here so I know you'll go and stay NC and let her reach out. Just remember the heart often rules the head so if you do reconnect, good chance the same will happen despite whatever she professes to you upfront.

You may want to consider taking longer than a week to reset.

Good luck.