Guys, I need some advice, Im really messed up

[LostbutFound]

Alright before I write this, Im asking for you guys to be cool about it, Im in a bad situation and Im down worse then ever because this has happened to me one to many times and I cant take it, so please, advice, no flaming, leave that for another post....

This girl Im dating, we got a connection, and I mean not any ordinary connection, but one of those where we can finish each others sentences and know what the other person is thinking without even looking at them....Now I've been in relationships before, and I never had anything like this...

heres the deal, this weekend she went to a Frat formal with this guy she knows...long story short, she got messed up, they kissed....now me and her are not boyfriend/girlfriend, but needless to say this crushed me....we both know we got this connection and this is why im confused....

She told me how im reminding her of her ex (of 4 years) and it scares her to take that next step with me, even though I showed her how good she will be treated....

So heres my problem....Now I know what you're gonna say....Next her....and thats a reasonable decision, in fact, if she was just some normal girl, I wouldnt even be asking you guys this, it would of been done....

BUT, what do you do with a girl that you found such a deep connection with??? This is why she wanted to take things so slow...and heres whats going through my mind...

About 3 years ago I had a girl that I went out with for a while, and she was absolutely perfect, but because of some insecurities I had from my previous relationship, I pushed her away....NOW, I find a girl that is just like her, only better, and in a sense, I dont want to push her away because....WHAT IF???....Im thinking this, if this girl only did just kiss him, no big deal, because I've made out with a couple girls while I was dating her (but she doesnt know)

See this sucks, because I can answer other peoples problems with ease, but when Im stuck in the middle of it, I cant think straight and I cant see where to go...

What do you guys think, honestly, Im not even thinking about the kiss anymore, because like I said, I've done more while we've been dating that she dont know about, so I can let that slide....But about the other stuff......What do you think??????????

 

[CLOONEY]

I think you HAVE found a connection. A connection that doesnt necessarely mean you are meant to be with her. You two obviously have chemistry, but it doesnt mean u are suited to her. Why get mad? Its only hurting you. After all you are not exclusive therefore she is free to do what she wants. Date her more often, become exclusive if you want and if she wants. If she doesnt, she is not worth your time anyways. You are sounding like a total infatuated chump.

I had a girl like this once, who was PEFECT, we could read eachothers minds! Lasted a couple of years with HEAPS of problems after a while, just became too much, and no matter how much of a connection we had, it still was not worth it.

Take it easy, this girl is not the end of your life!!

 

[LostbutFound]

Im not saying this girl would be the end of my life....That I know....Im just confused and stuck with a lot of WHAT IF questions, which is why Im asking you guys....as far as the connection, I understand what you mean, even friends can have that type of connection....

But even a sexual connection??? I mean on every level we connect, attraction, sexual, laughter, all that....which is why im asking, if it was just a connection where we could read each others minds but it wasnt sexual, then i know what I gotta do....

No, Im not really infatuated with her, I did that once a long time ago and I can realize the difference between that and something more....Im just stuck at a crossroads and I need a little help

 

[PuertoRican_Lover]

If she is not your girlfriend then I don't see what the problem is here - it is her prerogative to do as she wishes!

You are worried because you fear the competition moving in and this may, in the meantime, sway her feelings away from you - correct?

If you are so deeply connected then this should be a strong enough bond between the two of you that the other competition will have a tough time tearing asunder.

I advise you not to put all your eggs in one basket and start seeing other women! Do not get too emotionally involved with this girl because she is not your girl.

Be ready to take "no" for an answer, if she decides not to be your mate - don't be devastated!!

Don't let her see you jealous or angry over this! You being 'messed up', tells me that you are handling this girl wrong already!!

You had sex with her and she is kissing other dudes - this should tell you something!!! Keep your expectations low!

 

[CLOONEY]

Yes of course I meant a sexual connection also, otherwise I wouldnt have bothered to mention I was with her for 2 YEARS!!! We connected in every way also, but it doesnt mean she is the right one for you. She did nothing wrong by kissing that guy, after all you have kissed a couple of other girls also.

I dont see what you are asking?

Date her more often and become more seroius with her if you want to really see if you two are right for eachother. If she doesnt want to get serious with you, her problem. What exactly do you want help with here?

 

[LostbutFound]

Sorry if Im not making much sense, my head is just a little cloudy right now....

My problem isnt soo much about the kiss, cause like I said, we arent official, and I kissed others as well....

My only question was to even go on with dating this girl because of the connection, or to call it off, connection or not..

 

[Walden]

like I said, we arent official,

Harden up and close her already.

 

[CLOONEY]

Originally posted by LostbutFound
Sorry if Im not making much sense, my head is just a little cloudy right now....

My problem isnt soo much about the kiss, cause like I said, we arent official, and I kissed others as well....

My only question was to even go on with dating this girl because of the connection, or to call it off, connection or not..

yeah yeah, no problem. Go on dating her, date her more often, you obviously want to. Date others as well. Relax, dont worry about this. It is just a kiss, nothing serious. I know how it can hurt, I have had proper girlfriends kiss other guys and then tell me about it like nothing happened, hurt at first, but who cares really. Try not to treat them so seriously, there are plenty more in the sea, just make sure you got yourself out there. Dont worry about what she is doing with her life, all you should be concerned with is that she is adding a little more fun to YOUR life. You should also be out there having fun without her, wether that be by yourself, with friends or with other girls. Relax, this is nothing serious.

 

[00Kevin]

I would just be blunt, but very calm with her.

Tell her that you are not sure if this relationship is exclusive or not and you want to know how she feels.
If she says that she is unsure herself. then suggest that perhaps it would be best if you both took week or two off from each other (from dating or whatever). This will put you in the position of power and you will be in total control. She will think that you are using the kiss as a means to date other girls. She won't like that and it will drive her nuts.

I said this to a girl once and she broke right down and started crying. Just turned the table on her. Sometimes women need to be forced to deal with the thought of loosing you.

If it doesn't bother her then go out with other women and keep her as a friend. If she has no emotions for you then you need to play the game again.

 

[LostbutFound]

How about it I just didnt call her for a while instead of telling her lets take time off....basically we ended the conversation with her telling me shes sorry and if I dont want to talk to her again she understands, but she doesnt want to lose me...

I really dont want to call her up just to tell her lets take time off, should I just not call for a while??

I did want to talk to her tomorrow about some things, but what would be best....me talking to her tomorrow and then telling her lets take time off, or just not talking to her all together for a while???

 

[CLOONEY]

Dont tell her you want time off, you are only doing it becuase u are hurt. U will end up wanting her back, and u will look like a chump in her eyes and loose her respect.

Why do you want time off?

Time off from what?

You two are not even together, right?

U are only DATING HER?

man, u gotta learn to control yourself and not fall for girls so badly, or u are gonna keep hurting yourself.

 

[LostbutFound]

Clooney, I hear what you're saying, but let me make it clear that I am not like this with every girl I meet....In fact theres only 3 girls I ever went out with in my life....so I am very picky with girls and I wouldnt be acting like this if I didnt see something...The fact that I see something i would want to go out with is a big step and she definitely gotta have something...

Like I said, only 3 in my life....actually only 2, the third one was an infatuation/rebound girl that only lasted 3 months, but I learned my lesson not to do that....

Anyway what I meant but taking time off was not seeing or talking to her or not....we spend almost everyday together, so its like we are together, just not official...if that makes sense....

Anyways, I think Im just gonna suck it up and go talk to her, not as a guy who wants her to be my girl, but just as a friend...and if she keeps me in that frame of mind as a friend, then its her loss because I know how to treat a girl and shes missing out...

and to prove to her that im cool with this now that I've calmed down and gotten my head a little straightened out with your help, im gonna talk to her as if there was nothing between us and I was just a friend and see whats up...and if she likes me as just a friend, screw it...but hopefully she'll be wise enough to realize what im trying to do by doing this and make a move in the right direction

 

[ManOMan]

I dont think I understand your "cloudy thinking"

You are saying the kiss didnt upset you (which is a lie) and you are wondering if you should go on because of some connection?

Maybe this "connection" isnt as great as you think. If she knows what you think, and could read your mind, she would have "known" how it might hurt you if she kissed that guy, and the same thing for you (if you could read her so well and knew she would be hurt, why did you kiss other girls?)

you need to realign yourself and realize your sense of "connection" is more in your mind then it exists in hers

Second, A kiss is just a kiss, harmless play, everyone does it

And she isnt "afraid to get hurt" she just doesnt want to get into a exclusive relationship with you

She wants to play the field, and wait for the bigger better deal, and you played your cards when you got upset because she kissed a guy when you two arent even together

This is your cue to keep in touch with her , but back off a bit, act a little aloof, and try to get her jealous by meeting other women

Dont trip and just cut her off or fly off the handle, there is a medium here for this situation and the circumstances of your non-comitted relationship

 

[Grey Fox]

Slow down.

Let me guess what this connection is like, you feel as if you two are on the same wave length. Your post leads me to believe as much. But connections don't mean a thing in the real world, at least no until you are with a girl for a while and marriage is not a wild leap into the unknown in the progression of your relationship. The connection comes from years of being together and continue to develop from sharing life experiences.
I do not believe that a college student can have such a connection, or understand what a real connection is. Because one you sound like a freshman or a sophmore and you have only known this girl as a friend for a few months. The connection you think you feel is probably a strong infatuation, you may not believe me know, but just wait a year and look back and you'll see. The reason you think this is a connection is because it probably fits the crap Hollywood packages in cheesey love movies and calls it a connection.
Like ManoMan and Frank Sinatra said a kiss is just a kiss. So leave it at that. If you freaked out about it and told the girl how you felt, don't apologize for it. Let it go and back off, see other chicks and play it cool. You don't have to be happy about it, or like the other girls, you just want this girl to see what you want her to see, a guy she passed up and missed out on. Oh and in the process you may just fine this girl has been a waste of time. At the least do it just to clear your head, you don't deserve to cause yourself this much worry, and no person has a right to play you like this.

-Grey Fox

 

[PuertoRican_Lover]

The kiss does mean something that is why she said 'sorry'! She is moving on and keeping her options open, obviously!! Why do you think she told you???? It is your 'wake-up' to reality call. Don't let her see it negatively affect you and keep your chin up, as well as your pants, because you ain't getting 'it' anymore from this chick!!

 

[Jay Fiedler]

As often as you use the word "connection" you would be perfect to be a contestant on a dating reality show like the Bachelor, bachelorette, or average Joe. You already have the lingo down!!

As far as you both, obviously she doesn't have the same feelings for you that you do for her. One thing I've learned is that women when dating a guy, if they are realling falling for him, will do NOTHING to jeopordize their standing with the guy. Her kissing another guy is a huge red flag imo is she was totally into you. Plus her reaction of saying that she would understand if you never wanted to talk to her again...IN my mind that is her way of trying to get out of the "connection" and move on. I suggest you do the same to save yourself from further heartache.

 

[Austin Allegro]

Gentlemen, we have a serious case of oneitis. Adminster 20,000 volts of DJ...CLEAR!

'it scares her to take that next step with me'

Major red flag.

If a girl really felt a 'connection' with you, she would be head over heels in love and planning just what shade of pink to paint the nursery in the marital home - believe me I've seen them do it.

Comments like being scared to take the next step etc are ******** for 'I'm keeping my options open.'.

 

[Zossima]

Originally posted by LostbutFound


... in fact, if she was just some normal girl, I wouldnt even be asking you guys this....

None of them are "normal". Some are just less spun than others.

 

[playa]

That "connection" is all in your head. You put it there and you can take it out.

 

[NewMan]

Lost butFound....

You've got to go back to the principles.

You've found a great girl you've got an amazing connection with....

But let me guess - you've opened up emotionally to her - and now she's a little weary of all of this? You've probably had some "Talks" - and you've told her how you feel in so many words.


Go back to the principles.

It sounds like (I'm reading between the lines) this girl is a little scared of what's going on between you guys? She kissed another guy - my opinion is it probably meant nothing - she was drunk - but it was an escapism for her.... and your right not to care or read to much into this.


My suggestion is to back off and close up some - but to NOT stop seeing her.

You should see her - but you've got to be in control - which is going to be the difficult part.

Emotionally you've got to be strong. Get back to basically having fun and a great time with her. And let her BELIEVE that she's in control of this. SHE needs to make the decision as to whether you guys become exclusive - or whether she want's to see you more etc.


It's an old rule - give a little space, and she'll come back.