Got a dilemma...being friends with a buddy's EX

[thissucks003]

Have a honest talk with both of them, explain your position they are putting you in, and assure (or promise) your buddy your never gona take his seconds. (he might be a little insecure, so it's a sacrifise you might have to make). Make sure you show him your loyalty in other ways (take him out, help him with stuff around house....), and never bring her up in the conversation unless he does first.

I was once stuck between two chicks i worked with, who hated eachother, and i told them both; "She didn't do anything to me, and I enjoye her company, just like i do yours....so leave me out of your god damn drama"

Remember, because he is the one that is basicly saying; it's me or her, HE COMES FIRST. She on the other hand will hang out with you even if your still friends with him or not.


Oh wait, i'm not mature enough, experienced or old enough to post here

Very Spot on!

Str8up,

If you want to maintain a friendship with both, you must explain to both just like spider said. They should both respect your wishes to remain friends. If he gets mad over the fact that you want to remain friends with his ex, then be prepared to possibly losing your friendship over being her friend. That is the worst case scenario. If you can live with that, then so be it. Just make sure that he knows that all you want from her is a friendzone relationship with her and that's all.

TS

 

[Slickster]

You can manipulate your brain to make yourself believe what ever you want but your buddy is not going to see things the same way PERIOD.

How would you feel if it was your buddy befriending YOUR ex?

Its a shytty situation.

Something tells me that there is more to your intentions than just hooking up with the Ex's hot friends. Be honest with yourself.

Ask yourself this....

If you felt a real great connection with your buddy's ex however she was a total UG and her friends were ugly too THEN how would you deal with this situation???

Sorry STR8UP but if this guy is any sort of friend at all then you'd best stay well away from his ex.

Let me put this another way....

Most people would agree that acting like a supplicating, AFC, pvssy whipped chump in order to get a girl would be WRONG.

Then why would selling out a friend for the same goal be okay?

 

[Latinoman]

Know what...guys can't be friends with chicks they'd like to **** - not possible...I don't care what any of you say. If you have a hot friend you want to ****...and haven't...she owns you...

You can be friends with chicks you HAVE ****ed...or DONT WANT to ****...

I have a friend whose GF I get along with smashingly - if they broke up...I'd never talk to her again; why - b/c there are TONS of chicks out there...this one is my friends SpermDisposalUnit...and she knows that I know she owns him...AND that we're friends b/c she's dating him - she respects, and has even thrown friends at me...problem in these situations is that you can't interrupt your friend's ***** flow - just can't - but with chicks like the one you describe, they are EXCELLENT manipulators...so you'd better watch it...my thought is she WILL TOOL YOU if it serves her purposes...

Bros before Hoes

Learn Male Solidarity

~ WildCard ~

Veritas Lux Mea

Excellent post!

 

[thissucks003]

Know what...guys can't be friends with chicks they'd like to **** - not possible...I don't care what any of you say. If you have a hot friend you want to ****...and haven't...she owns you...

That's 100% true if he wanted to fucck her. But he said he didn't want to fucck her. He wants to fucck her hot friends.

 

[STR8UP]

Remember, because he is the one that is basicly saying; it's me or her, HE COMES FIRST. She on the other hand will hang out with you even if your still friends with him or not.

True, I have considered that.

 

[STR8UP]

Take a look at the two quotes above. In my eyes...you already betrayed his friendship. No girlfriend of a true friend should be sharing with ME secrets that she has not shared with him.

I don't see how you could say that, as I said we are friends and I'm not going to tell her she can't talk to me about certain things.

Reading the remaining of your post...well, the history there is that they break up and come back together. So, she truly has feelings for him. And I won't be surprised if she is trying to use you against him.

She definitely has feelings for him. She has expressed that many times. Whether or not she is using me to get at him.....I would like to THINK not, but like I said it's a possibility. The thing is, I have been going through this for awhile and I don't have any indication that she is using me in that way. If I had gotten that indication (and BELIEVE ME, it would get back to me) I would cut it off in a heartbeat.

You are her girlfriend...plain and simple.

Call it what you want, I have a ton of female friends and she happens to be one of them.

I understand that some guys don't want or can't handle this type of arrangement, but I enjoy hanging out with cool chicks as much as I do cool guy friends. PLUS.....women have women friends and it's DEFINITELY an advantage to hang out with women in that regard.

If you end up having sex with her...you might as well forget about your buddy. Furthermore, she will go back to him making things worst.

I don't intend to have sex with her.

She once made a reference to how "super platonic" our relationship is and that she could lay naked next to me in bed and I wouldn't do anything. I joked with her saying "I don't know about that". Couldn't help but think she was feeling me out with that statement, but I seriously doubt it will ever happen. Probably just wanting validation that she's desirable anyway.

 

[STR8UP]

The other dimension to this that I haven't yet mentioned is the fact that since this girl has introduced me to so many other chicks, we now have several mutual friends. Am I expected to NOT hang out with other people just because my buddy's ex is going to be there?

 

[CLOONEY]

+



Take a look at the two quotes above. In my eyes...you already betrayed his friendship. No girlfriend of a true friend should be sharing with ME secrets that she has not shared with him.


Reading the remaining of your post...well, the history there is that they break up and come back together. So, she truly has feelings for him. And I won't be surprised if she is trying to use you against him.

You are her girlfriend...plain and simple.

If you end up having sex with her...you might as well forget about your buddy. Furthermore, she will go back to him making things worst.

Havent noticed this Latinoman around before, probably because I havent posted on anything to do with girls for a year or more now. But his advice is solid as a rock from what Ive been reading!

You seroiusly consider her your "good friend". Not only that, but you met her through your own buddy? Man, that is just wrong. If he is your mate, then he is your mate, period. You cannot betray that trust, especially with his EX girlfriend who you MET through HIM. If a mate of mine did that to me after a breakup, I would seriously consider giving him a belting!

 

[STR8UP]

You seroiusly consider her your "good friend". Not only that, but you met her through your own buddy? Man, that is just wrong.

Yes, I do consider her my good friend. And the fact that I met her through my buddy...why is that wrong?

If he is your mate, then he is your mate, period. You cannot betray that trust, especially with his EX girlfriend who you MET through HIM. If a mate of mine did that to me after a breakup, I would seriously consider giving him a belting!

I can relate to what he is feeling and I would likely feel a little uneasy if he were hanging out with MY ex, however I would like to think that I would eventually see it for what it was and be able to come to terms with it and realize that SHE IS GONNA BE HANGING OUT WITH DUDES ANYWAY.

So RATIONALLY, what is the difference? There is none. By making it an issue you are turning it into an EMOTIONAL issue. Leave that sh!t for the women.

 

[CLOONEY]

Yes, I do consider her my good friend. And the fact that I met her through my buddy...why is that wrong?



I can relate to what he is feeling and I would likely feel a little uneasy if he were hanging out with MY ex, however I would like to think that I would eventually see it for what it was and be able to come to terms with it and realize that SHE IS GONNA BE HANGING OUT WITH DUDES ANYWAY.

So RATIONALLY, what is the difference? There is none. By making it an issue you are turning it into an EMOTIONAL issue. Leave that sh!t for the women.

Its wrong because you only know her due to him, and he was a mate of yours. Its called loyalty! Its not like they were two seperate friends and then got together, then the loyalty would lie with both. You dont go off hanging around your mates ex/sometimes girlfriend, getting secrets from her that he doesnt even know. Talk about an emotional issue, you are experiencing one now, and no doubt, if you were both out with a few drinks into you, may hook up. Only for her to go running back to him.

Hanging out with dudes anyways, is a LOT different than her hanging out with your own mates.

That is rational thinking.

In the end though, its upto your mate. Does he care you two are hanging out together? If he does, cut it off. If he honestly doesnt, then it dont matter. Just dont loose a good friend, for a chick who will most likely bounce onto the next guys arm after she breaks up with your mate.

As for male/female friendships being purely platonic, I dont beleive it is possible. There is always an element of attraction from one party. Just my opinion.

 

[CLOONEY]

PS- all of that is under the impression that you actually ARE friends, and you have no desire to bang her whatsoever and if she was naked in your bed you wuldn't have the slightest inkling of ****ing her... okay maybe a little but you get what I am saying..

And this is assuming she is really YOuR friend. Only you can know this.

If not, then you need to be slapped, but I am sure you know better so that's why I didn't bring it up

haha, you think all that is true? A naked chick lying next to you, and you dont even have much inkling to fukc her? Dude, I dont think that is possible!

And you live by the sapranos rule? WTF. A spill about the Sapranos, and then saying you get rid of your best mates and they resent you. Ill definately be looking out for your advice in the near future if I do come to need some.

And, my advice is called respect for your friend (I know NONE of my mates beleive in platonic friendship between guys and girls) because they all FUKC the girls they are friends with. Maybe your friends at elementary school were nerds or chumps, but your boy is your boy. You dont hang around his girlfriend learning her secrets.

If you want life-long, loyal friends (and these are the MOST important thing), they are not just there to party with you, or to be your "fair weather friend", but when your sick or going through hard times, these friends stick by you and look out for you. This to me, is one of THE MOST important aspects of life. You get a girlfriend, when shes gone, their still there. You get married, if you divorce, their still there.

You dont want loyal friends like that, then get rid of them for some chick who no doubt, will flick you once the next MAN comes along.

Backbreaker, werent you the one who had oneitis and who has a kid? Just making sure if I remember you correctly. But you must be on a trip! Get back to reality!

 

[Latinoman]

I have to agree with Clooney and his post above based on the circunstances already provided.

 

[thissucks003]

As for male/female friendships being purely platonic, I dont beleive it is possible. There is always an element of attraction from one party. Just my opinion.

Personally I think it would be weird not having any girls just as friends. I can understand your opinion if someone always went the friend route to try to get into her pants. Then yes, don't go that way because as we all know, trying to be someone friend first before seducing doesn't work. I will agree to that. But I feel you would be a more balanced person to have some girls just as a friend. Having some girls as friends opens the door to other possibilities to meet some of her friends. That is what STR8UP mentioned was the case. That would be stupid and immature to totally close doors to having an all or none friendship because the guy can't deal with STR8UP having a platonic relationship with his ex.

We don't know all of the facts to STR8UP's friends relationship breakup. I can totally understand cutting off his friendship with this girl if she totally fuccked over the guy by fuccking other guys behind this guy's back or treating him like dirt. That would show her lack of character of being anybody's friend. If they broke up amicably, then I see no reason that he should have to give up his friendship with the girl.

TS

 

[NewMan]

Damn, this sucks. I think I posted something about this in the past, but I was thinking about this today and I am starting to see things differently.

So here's the deal. A good friend of mine has been dating this girl for over a year. Lately their relationship has been on and off, and currently they haven't been together for awhile.

Ever since I met this girl we have gotten along really well. She is actually one of the very few people that I can really talk to about almost anything. She has even shared some of her "secrets" that I promised never to tell my buddy. She has LOTS of hot, young friends, and takes every opportunity possible to try to hook me up with them.

I know it's a bad situation to be in, but what happens when you start to consider the GIRL to be a really good friend? I'm not going to blindly say "Fukk the chick, my boy comes first", but at the same time I don't want to ruin my friendship with him either.

Actually, the last time they broke up, my buddy calls me up and tells me that he is dumping her and doesn't want to be associated with anyone who talks to her, basically making me choose between the two of them. A couple of days later she calls me up crying saying they got into a fight and he pushed her or something (I made sure she was ok, of course), and was pissed that I would "take his side" after he would do such a thing. Of course they were back together a week later, so I'm glad I didn't "take anyone's side".

So now that they are once again broken up, she is calling me up asking me to do stuff with her and her friends all of the time. Last Saturday night she invited me to hang out at her cousin's beach house with a bunch of chicks, cause she wanted to hook me up with her cousin. This weekend she invited me to hit the clubs Friday and Saturday. I met up with her for awhile on Friday, but didn't on Saturday cause I'm still trying to keep relations with my buddy and didn't want to chance it.

Okay, so I've known my buddy for LONGER, but I have a closer friendship with the girl.

It sucks having to choose between friends, cause I think they are both great people and consider them both to be good friends, but I guess that's the nature of something like this. Don't know if there is an easy way around this other than to chill and watch my step and see if things cool off in the future.

Thoughts?

Your mistake was putting yourself into this position to begin with period. Come on guys, what are you doing becoming 'good friends' with your buddies woman? and what constitutes this good friendship? Are you meeting for drinks? having dinner? lunch? what?

Because the only was you could consider this is if your spending a lot of time with her. And if that's the case, that's pretty fvcked up of you.

She's already using you and you can't see it. Calling you up and crying to you, "setting you up" with her friends - telling you he pushed her. She's playing you likje a fiddle and your sucking it up.

If I were him, I'd tell you good riddence - be her friend - because I know that when I dump the both of you girls, she will either 1) want to fvck you or 2) dump you to because your no longer associated with me.

When your buddy has a girlfriend you should be friendly towards her. But you should never cross the boundary and get in between them - and that's exactly what your doing. Your buddy should even have to ask you to choose - you should have never put him in that situation. In the same way, you should never be in a position where she is telling you things that she doesn't tell him (but I don't even buy that, because I think she's just telling you that to play you).

Bottom line - If my woman is calling my buddy after we've had a fight and telling him things she won't tell me - I'm dumping both of you girls and fast. Don't need friends like you thats for sure. And no amount of "She get's me pvssy" is a valid excuse.

 

[Latinoman]

Bottom line - If my woman is calling my buddy after we've had a fight and telling him things she won't tell me - I'm dumping both of you girls and fast. Don't need friends like you thats for sure. And no amount of "She get's me pvssy" is a valid excuse.

I STRONGLY agree with the quote above.

By the way...I have female friends. But those ones I have ZERO interest of having sex (I view them like sisters). I cannot consider a woman for REAL friendship if I have a sexual interest for her. And if they ever had a boyfriend (some do), I view myself as being friendly to the guys...but my loyalty would be to them (the one I established the friendship PRIOR to their relationship).

 

[STR8UP]

Something tells me that there is more to your intentions than just hooking up with the Ex's hot friends. Be honest with yourself.

I already admitted that I will never say NEVER when it comes to an attractive woman, HOWEVER, I also stated that my intention is NOT to have sex with her. She's a fun person to be around. I enjoy her company. I like pretty much all of her friends. I have made friends with several of them as well.

It isn't as simple as me wanting to get a piece of the action from my buddy's leftovers.

 

[STR8UP]

As for male/female friendships being purely platonic, I dont beleive it is possible. There is always an element of attraction from one party. Just my opinion.

Most of the time there is. That's the nature of a male/female relationship of any kind. That's the nature of heterosexuality. But I don't think that should stop anyone from pursuing a platonic relationship with a member of the opposite sex. It's only unhealthy when one party has unreasonable expectations.

 

[STR8UP]

Personally I think it would be weird not having any girls just as friends.

Interesting topic worthy of a new post!

We don't know all of the facts to STR8UP's friends relationship breakup. I can totally understand cutting off his friendship with this girl if she totally fuccked over the guy by fuccking other guys behind this guy's back or treating him like dirt. That would show her lack of character of being anybody's friend. If they broke up amicably, then I see no reason that he should have to give up his friendship with the girl.

TS

Actually, now that you mention it, if you REALLY want to know, it was my buddy's actions that put their relationship on the rocks.

HE MOVED HIS EX GIRLFRIEND INTO HIS HOUSE!

Yea, that's right, he moved his EX into his house. And his girlfriend (the girl in question here) was basically living there at the time as well! Now if that isn't fukked up, I don't know what is.

And he's also fukking the ex. I suspected it, and then it was eventually confirmed. The ex even told the girlfriend that they were doing it!

So if anything I lost respect for HIM in that whole ordeal. If he wanted to break up with her, fine, but to move in an ex girlfriend while you are in a relationship????

 

[STR8UP]

When your buddy has a girlfriend you should be friendly towards her. But you should never cross the boundary and get in between them - and that's exactly what your doing. Your buddy should even have to ask you to choose - you should have never put him in that situation.

Says who?

Dude, you break up with someone, that means you don't want to be with them anymore, and that you have no say in her dealings.

I say that a MAN would be able to get past his emotions in this kind of situation. I'm not saying that I wouldn't be feeling some of the same things that he feels, but I am saying that I wouldn't be throwing out ultimatums and threatening to break off our friendship if one of my friends wanted to talk to my ex. It would sting and it would feel weird at first but that's LIFE. Move on and get over it.

All of this pining over an ex is estrogen fueled chick style bullsh!t. If you gotta get all bent out of shape that ANYONE is hanging out with a girl that YOU dumped, then you shouldn't have dumped her in the first place!

 

[STR8UP]

EXACTLY. In the past I was the one in your friend's shoes. That lowered my value not only in the eyes of all women, but in my friends too. Damn, why get so wrapped in one single woman?

A couple of my other friends know of the situation and they think my buddy is acting like a jealous a$$ clown and he needs to get over it. I'm hoping that over time things WILL change.

Seriously, acting this way about a girl that YOU disrespected and dumped makes you look like a chump.