Good sex, disrespectful wife and child

[Westminster]

I forgot to say, I'm 35 yo.

It just happens that I tested walking away today. It's like the 3rd time already these past months.

We'on vacation in Greece. At the terrace, the kid won't eat and asks for going into the water again, so she started calling him am idiot. I told her to stop. I asked him if he wants to eat anything from the menu, he said no. She said she doesn't want to eat anything anymore as well. So I ordered myself some fried shrimp and a lemonade.
Then she called me an ******* for not buying anything for the kid.
That's when I just left the table, her shouting and kid crying after me. A big ****ing scene. They followed me to the hotel room, kid crying, her shouting at him. I felt like **** and good at the same time.
I took my keys, got in my car and drove away, listening to music for an hour. Got myself a pair of glasses în another town drank some coffee and took in the sun, watched families act normal and ****.

She called me 3 times, on my way back I answered and she was oh so nice, got to the terrace, ordered food, kid was almost compliant, she was calm.

She's in day 10 of her cycle and usually horny. She just told me to shower, but I ****ing will not.

I notice people looking at us when she uses bad language, and I just want to shrivel and die.

Anyway, I'm getting close to a good outcome for me. I apreciate all of your answers and I'll keep you up to date if anyone's interested.

This brings back some painful memories for me. My ex-wife (who is as a truly bad person) used to behave like this on holidays, at family gatherings and in front of friends. It's really embarrassing and horrible bullying behaviour, and you've got to be very careful because you'll be the bad guy if you flare up in response. Then you'll be in real trouble if she goes to law (criminal or civil).

It's easy to say 'just leave' but people often don't because life's more complicated than that and you can lose a lot of confidence and vision when you're trapped in an abusive relationship - because that's what it is, abuse.

Either way, I suspect the marriage is doomed. In my experience, women who behave like this don't change whatever you do. Ultimately, the only way is to get out.

 

[Smooth_texter]

I disagree but maybe you're right. Being a male nurse can be a high paying job. If he combines that w bodybuilding and occasionally boxing, he should have more than enough status for this kunt. She sounds like a trash mouthed low status woman herself (with all due respect OP). I would recommend that u read The Way of the Superior Man and tell her to read his book for girls: "its a guy thing" and/or "dear lover". Lead her towards a better framework for relationships. I always make my women read these books in order to brainwash them in a good way towards a more enlightened and conscious framework when it comes to relatisonhips. U need to destroy their old software.

The OP has two choices - to stay or leave.

Regardless of what path he choses, if there is something that he's significantly lacking (skill, career path, money, status), it's going to be a problem with other women as well. So he needs to identify it and improve it.

 

[ThisIsSparta]

I would consider family or couple therapy.

No..... like, the fvck NO!

In best case the therapist will acknoledge that his wife needs to work on herself and give her a participation trophy in each session for "trying" and scolding OP to be more understanding for her "giving her best" while he still is in a ****ty marriage and his boy learning that his father is a doormat.

Worst case will be the therapist and his wife gaslighting OP into him being the problem and emotionally abusive to his wife.

OP doesnt need a therapist, he needs frame and a decent wife! If anyone should see a therapist then his wife and her alone.

 

[Modern Man Advice]

LMFAO so that the therapist takes the woman's side and tells him that he needs to do more chores in the house, needs to invite her to more of his activities and needs to thank her more for how difficult is to be a mother?

Are you're the guy who wants to open a youtube channel to give men advice? Find another hobby dude.

Feel better?

 

[Modern Man Advice]

I mean, for a guy who has "advice" in his username, to give the advice of "marriage counseling" knowing how all of that $hit is stacked against men, how that is only for female pedestalization and men emasculation, you gave a pretty $hitty advice.

Let it out, it's okay, let it out. I ask again, feel better?

 

[Barrister]

OP,

If we are being completely honest, given the longevity of the disrespect and verbal abuse, it is likely that this is not salvageable in any way. In fact, I think the ONLY thing that can be saved here is that your son grows up to respect his father. And let's be honest, so long as your wife continues to treat you like dogsh1t in front of him, he is going to grow up thinking you are a pushover and doormat.

Your best move is to start planning your exit strategy. Start putting away CASH in places no one thinks to look to soften your landing financially, but by all means get out of this thing. Have a target date for about 6-8 months from now after some clandestine saving to pull the trigger and file a divorce. Even limited time with your son 1 on 1 is going to be preferable to being around him all the time with your b1tch wife there acting like a cvnt to you 24/7 in front of him.

 

[Barrister]

I mean, for a guy who has "advice" in his username, to give the advice of "marriage counseling" knowing how all of that $hit is stacked against men, how that is only for female pedestalization and men emasculation, you gave a pretty $hitty advice.

I agree that marriage counseling generally is a waste of time. But not because of the reason you stated. The issue with marriage counseling is that, in order for it to work, BOTH sides need to be willing to compromise and understand/acknowledge some of the things they are doing are wrong. Now ask yourself the question - how many women do you know who will do those things? Especially when they harbor unreasonable resentment like most wives do?

Before my divorce, and back before I knew how pointless it really was, I was in marriage counseling with my ex-wife for about 8 months before I decided to pull the trigger and divorce. The counselor was a woman and a fairly liberal thinking one at that. During our last session, she actually told my ex-wife that "it was time for her (my wife) to wake the fvck up." My ex refused to go back to her after that. Thousands of dollars wasted. I filed for divorce a week later.

 

[Barrister]

Women act as $hitty as you let them. Compromising is just another word for negotiating compliance, doesn't work never will.

Its simple, if she's acting like a b!tch, you either didn't vet her properly or you became a drunken captain of the relationship. Women can't compromise in something she doesn't feel, if she doesn't feel respecting you, no matter how much she tries to acknowledge it, if the guy is behaving like a b!tch, she won't respect him.

The second situation takes time to reverse (if), typically eliminating covert contracts, the need for validation, dread, becoming your own pint of origin, becoming something great, after that, you won't like her anymore because you became so much more and just looking at her reminds you how much of a b!tch you were.- Happened to me

Vetting is incredibly important. No doubt about it. But I can also tell you that relationship "depreciation" is almost unavoidable. It is impossible to screen for how certain things will affect a woman - no matter how long you vetted them. @SW15 likes to say that he thinks most LTRs have a shelf-life of 5 years of "goodness." I think that it can be longer than that, but I do agree that relationship malaise, which can cause disrespectful behavior, does happen to the best of relationships, regardless of how well you vetted a woman in the first 1-2 years.

These kind of situations are generally not fixable. In the OPs case, it is even worse because it doesn't sound like things were ever good. He basically knocked up a woman he should never have been with from Day 1. In his case, I would agree he didn't vet properly.

 

[MtmVaott]

I get the impression that your wife might not be a gem, but not BPD. That term is used too loosely.
Also you are now revealing info where I can see how your wife is not satisfied with - well - you.
Her reaction is not constructive, it's destructive. She definitely tells you "I'm not content with your state of being, please be/do ..." when she calls you "idiot". It's an act of desperation. I'm not saying it's an intelligent act though.
Consider how you can make your life more satisfying (for yourself). Reach out to people who are helpful.
Maybe a divorce will become a part of that.

 

[Aralius]

Yeah, I've been on the berge of divorcing for some tine, and I brought it up to her.

I get the impression that your wife might not be a gem, but not BPD. That term is used too loosely.
Also you are now revealing info where I can see how your wife is not satisfied with - well - you.
Her reaction is not constructive, it's destructive. She definitely tells you "I'm not content with your state of being, please be/do ..." when she calls you "idiot". It's an act of desperation. I'm not saying it's an intelligent act though.
Consider how you can make your life more satisfying (for yourself). Reach out to people who are helpful.
Maybe a divorce will become a part of that.

Well, if I was aware of all that I have read these past years, before I would have met her, my wife would have been a girl that I would have dumped and never looked back on. Unfortunately for me, our child loves both of us, and that's the ONLY thing that has kept me so far from not walking. I have to really weigh the benefits and disatvantages from walking. I WILL consult a lawyer, because it's too damn hard FOR ME to learn all this **** and apply it to a relationship that, in my experience, has gone too far for me to even consider to work on. It's tiring and frustrating as hell.

 

[MtmVaott]

Yeah, I've been on the berge of divorcing for some tine, and I brought it up to her.


Well, if I was aware of all that I have read these past years, before I would have met her, my wife would have been a girl that I would have dumped and never looked back on. Unfortunately for me, our child loves both of us, and that's the ONLY thing that has kept me so far from not walking. I have to really weigh the benefits and disatvantages from walking. I WILL consult a lawyer, because it's too damn hard FOR ME to learn all this **** and apply it to a relationship that, in my experience, has gone too far for me to even consider to work on. It's tiring and frustrating as hell.

You will need professional help (therapist), not 'RP techniques', when you want to have an OK relationship with your wife or ex-wife and especially for what kind of behaviours you want to teach your kid.
Silence and distance is better than putting up with disrespectful behaviour, but it's still aggressive. The golden way is to address is like I explicated in my first post in this thread.

 

[ThisIsSparta]

Also you are now revealing info where I can see how your wife is not satisfied with - well - you.
Her reaction is not constructive, it's destructive. She definitely tells you "I'm not content with your state of being, please be/do ..." when she calls you "idiot". It's an act of desperation. I'm not saying it's an intelligent act though.
Consider how you can make your life more satisfying (for yourself). Reach out to people who are helpful.

Thats what a counselor would say.

And the translation is: "well its not nice from your wife to say it that way, but it is true, you are the azzhole for putting the blame on this helpless women in her desperation to make you into the better man that she deserves."

Fvck that!

Women behaving like cvnts is not them being raw diamonds in need to be rescued by captain save a ho.
What you see is what you get and you are not going to change their character by buying into the happy wife/happy life narrative.

 

[SpartanWarrior77]

Yeah, I've been on the berge of divorcing for some tine, and I brought it up to her.


Well, if I was aware of all that I have read these past years, before I would have met her, my wife would have been a girl that I would have dumped and never looked back on. Unfortunately for me, our child loves both of us, and that's the ONLY thing that has kept me so far from not walking. I have to really weigh the benefits and disatvantages from walking. I WILL consult a lawyer, because it's too damn hard FOR ME to learn all this **** and apply it to a relationship that, in my experience, has gone too far for me to even consider to work on. It's tiring and frustrating as hell.

Screw it, the kid will get over it hopefully. Im a child of divorce like many of you here. I forgave my parents when I became mature but in the beginning, it was a tough childhood not having dad around.

 

[MtmVaott]

Thats what a counselor would say.

And the translation is: "well its not nice from your wife to say it that way, but it is true, you are the azzhole for putting the blame on this helpless women in her desperation to make you into the better man that she deserves."

Well, I think OP is already too much into RP and aversion towards his wife that my advice matters to him.
But generally, it's better to see if a change in your behaviour will change the situation before just nuking everything and burning bridges.

Women behaving like cvnts is not them being raw diamonds in need to be rescued by captain save a ho.
What you see is what you get and you are not going to change their character by buying into the happy wife/happy life narrative.

Yeah that's obvious for me and what I wrote is not an appeal to subordinate.

 

[Epimanes]

Reminds me of the Bible verse .... I think in proverbs where it says... "it's better to sleep outside on the corner of your roof in a rain storm than live with a disrespectful and nagging wife"


There is a few verses that talk about that....

A calm approach with some consequences are in order.... good luck.

 

[BoomToTheMoonAlice]

Listen, my dude. The wife and I work at disciplining young disrespectful sh1t bags like your wife and we get paid a lot of money for it. I can help you with him but I don't know about her, you two are clearly different, probably not much to salvage there, I would stop sleeping with her ASAP. I would also not take any advice from someone in an OPEN MARRIAGE because they've got a seriously unhealthy outlook on life and are probably secretly enjoying the debauchery. You don't want to be in this situation, don't take advice from people whose wives don't respect them and the sanctity of the marriage contract. This applies to you as well, if you want a tight ship you have to be a good Captain.


I've been married 15 years with almost zero problems because my wife and I are congruent on politics, child-rearing, and respect. It's likely because my wife is ex-military and I have a similar background, but the point is we're pretty strict and it works.


Get your kid watching these when you want to reward him, but only the stuff pre-2000 unless you want a 'confused kid'. https://www.wcofun.org/cartoon-list






Now here's what you do.


Number 1. You start playing a game called 1,2,3,4.


1 - Standing at attention.


2 - Sitting with arms crossed.


3 - Standing at attention with hands behind the back.


4. - Sitting at attention with hand raised.






You play this game and tell your kid he can watch a cartoon episode of Dennis the Menace or something if he does good, you can download them from the site so that he can't just access them when he wants to. Anytime he fvcks up or is a sh1t bag, you walk into his room and take a toy away for a MONTH. Do it a couple of times and the little brat will know you mean business. I've tossed video games out of 8th-story windows, you have to get used to being the bad guy. You need to be able to set down rules and enforce them. I recommend these cartoons because they are lessons disguised as fun, they’ll teach him morals and ethics which he seems to lack right now.






Number two, you're going to play the hell out of this game. 30 minutes per day, every day for a year. Your child must perform the action precisely. No room for mistakes, inspect his posture, salute, and stance. Ramp up the difficulty as you go to keep him on his feet. When you're out and about during the day randomly yell (1,2) and watch how quickly those dominoes fall. Bring a pad and keep score. From now on, you've got to be Sgt. Slaughter... Trust me, kids love this game when they get good at it. Your kid doesn’t respect you right now because you don’t scare him. Be someone that scares him... think Darth Vader! When you walk in the room the Imperial March should be playing in his head. When his toys go missing one by one, he will begin to clean up his act. No hugs or kisses from Daddy until he straightens up.






The wife and I take care of the absolute worst classes of kids and problem children, we make them into coherent, well-behaved, and well-performing citizens. If this is something you’d be interested in, I can’t recommend these ‘games’ highly enough. Make your games physical so that the kid feels the burn at the end. Push-ups, running laps, cleaning toilets, these punishments work. Run your kid around your house until he wants to puke. It’ll be good in the end for both him and you. Don’t forget to stay hydrated. I guarantee he will thank you for it one day. Remember, if you don't take charge now, someone else will. As an ex jail guard, you don't want that person to be me.

 

[Aralius]

Hey fellas.
A quick update here, for the record.
I filed for divorce a month ago. I told my wife that she needn't consult a lawyer, because the divorce will go through either way and she shouldn't waste her money, as I'm not looking to take the child away or get half her house or apartment (in which I also invested). I only care about my peace of mind.
Obviously she got suspicious and went anyway. Came back and asked me if I can renounce the divorce. I said no. After getting accustomed with the idea, I no longer feel frustration and anger. I can't move out to my own place until spring, but I feel no pressure from her or myself.

She asked and I accepted to go to marriage counselor, just to see what happens. Funny enough, when I told my wife a year ago, when I felt like sh!t, that we should see a marriage counselor, she refused, because I would talk **** about her in therapy, which I did anyway this time.
The therapist suggested no major decisions during counseling but my mind is already made up.

I feel more relaxed, direct and not afraid to manhandle her and talk dirty to her in bed. She loves it.

As for the kid, he's more respectful and learned to stop when crossing the line, especially after wife started to take me seriously about cursing in front of the kid.

I would have a question though:
Do any of you divorced guys feel pity for your ex?

 

[lamath]

Hey fellas.
A quick update here, for the record.
I filed for divorce a month ago. I told my wife that she needn't consult a lawyer, because the divorce will go through either way and she shouldn't waste her money, as I'm not looking to take the child away or get half her house or apartment (in which I also invested). I only care about my peace of mind.
Obviously she got suspicious and went anyway. Came back and asked me if I can renounce the divorce. I said no. After getting accustomed with the idea, I no longer feel frustration and anger. I can't move out to my own place until spring, but I feel no pressure from her or myself.

She asked and I accepted to go to marriage counselor, just to see what happens. Funny enough, when I told my wife a year ago, when I felt like sh!t, that we should see a marriage counselor, she refused, because I would talk **** about her in therapy, which I did anyway this time.
The therapist suggested no major decisions during counseling but my mind is already made up.

I feel more relaxed, direct and not afraid to manhandle her and talk dirty to her in bed. She loves it.

As for the kid, he's more respectful and learned to stop when crossing the line, especially after wife started to take me seriously about cursing in front of the kid.

I would have a question though:
Do any of you divorced guys feel pity for your ex?

Yes......wish i didn't
I think that often that pity they make you feel and their tears is manipulations.

 

[lamath]

Rian is probably one of the best for this

 

[Aralius]

Now imagine if you had just done this before divorcing...

I know... I have, but I don't think she appreciated it until I changed my frame. Even after a great session, the b!tching would still be there. It's like she started behaving only after fear of losing me. It could only be in my head, but the results are there, I'm better in my head and she's taking more initiative in bed, which I really don't mind