Girlfriends and Distance

[therobman7]

pantywhisperer: reminds me of an article I read basically stating, why would a guy drop a girl with a young child (5 months) unless she wasn't completely useless? And he left her for an ugly chick to boot... red flag ignored

thanks for the feedback guys, both good and bad. Sometimes the truth is hard. It's hard to just walk away even though I know that is likely the eventual outcome. I am pretty sure I am still responding too much too soon. I can't help it, I do it with everyone... But I get that each time I am responsive, it only adds to the downward spiral...

It's a bit unfair because she knows my schedule. Like this morning, I get a "good morning babe" text at 545 (which she never does) and then a phone call an hour later, then a phone call at 10am (weird!)...

Anywho, I am just ranting now, so let's table this till I get my chit together, one way or the other. I hearing everything you guys are saying, just not there mentally yet. Not ready to give up...

Thanks again guys!

 

[Glassguy]

pantywhisperer: reminds me of an article I read basically stating, why would a guy drop a girl with a young child (5 months) unless she wasn't completely useless? And he left her for an ugly chick to boot... red flag ignored

thanks for the feedback guys, both good and bad. Sometimes the truth is hard. It's hard to just walk away even though I know that is likely the eventual outcome. I am pretty sure I am still responding too much too soon. I can't help it, I do it with everyone... But I get that each time I am responsive, it only adds to the downward spiral...

It's a bit unfair because she knows my schedule. Like this morning, I get a "good morning babe" text at 545 (which she never does) and then a phone call an hour later, then a phone call at 10am (weird!)...

Anywho, I am just ranting now, so let's table this till I get my chit together, one way or the other. I hearing everything you guys are saying, just not there mentally yet. Not ready to give up...

Thanks again guys!

Not there yet? Go running back and watch her dump you.

Ignore and keep her wondering for a while. Go find other options. It's funny how much clearer things become when you have 2 or 3 other chicks that you can hit up.

 

[sodbuster]

When I'm in Vegas, I wouldn't have a 20 minute conversation with anyone on the phone unless it was a money deal..... a woman you aren't sure about?????

 

[Roober]

UPDATE: This is the OP... I am more of just journaling here, not really looking for a critical response. I realized I need to work on myself quite a bit. I am tapering back everything while I do that. I am not trying to game a single mom and I did not talk to her at all while I was in Vegas.

-She has initiated contact about 2 to 1
-Still calls 2-3 times a day, and I still answer most of the calls. It was weird, I stopped answering the night time calls, and she called earlier the last 3 days... changed from 930ish to 845ish... I am usually in bed by 9.
-I have stopped responding if I am doing something (gym, driving, shopping, etc.)
-Invited her out twice, both times she was legitimately busy
-Went and took salsa lessons, something I have wanted to do for a loooooooong time. It's too bad private lessons are about $120 a lesson, not sure I want to pay that...

What I am learning about myself...
-I get angst when I don't talk to her for no reason whatsoever. When I fell asleep one night, I woke up around 245 and saw I missed her call and couldn't get back to sleep. I didn't do anything about it other than lay there in bed. I should have went to the gym, or journaled or something.
-Exercise helps a ton. When I get that burning sensation in my chest, exercise helps get out some of that tension.
-I have tried making more eye contact with strangers, smiled and have gotten pretty good results. No numbers, but I could read interest.
-I am beginning to realize that I am not sure if I can work on myself while maintaining this relationship...
-Swingers is a great movie for guys in my situation or even after a breakup, especially the first 5 minutes...
-Staying distracted and keeping your mind of something else is HARRRDDDDD!
-Setting myself up for failure with invites. Lunch is not really feasible and week nights are tough
-I need a new wardrobe! I am 6'1" at about 185 now, and still have everything from when I was 210 lbs

I intend to taper back talking to her even more starting today and through next week. Got a salsa group lesson next Friday. This will end one of two ways... I work on myself and realize she's not right for me, or I work on myself and we flourish...Either way, I need to work on myself...

 

[mrgoodstuff]

UPDATE: This is the OP... I am more of just journaling here, not really looking for a critical response. I realized I need to work on myself quite a bit. I am tapering back everything while I do that. I am not trying to game a single mom and I did not talk to her at all while I was in Vegas.

-She has initiated contact about 2 to 1
-Still calls 2-3 times a day, and I still answer most of the calls. It was weird, I stopped answering the night time calls, and she called earlier the last 3 days... changed from 930ish to 845ish... I am usually in bed by 9.
-I have stopped responding if I am doing something (gym, driving, shopping, etc.)
-Invited her out twice, both times she was legitimately busy
-Went and took salsa lessons, something I have wanted to do for a loooooooong time. It's too bad private lessons are about $120 a lesson, not sure I want to pay that...

Sound good. Keep that ratio of 2:1 on the calls. Be busy instead of acting busy. Spend time with other people too. Do not take your phone in the gym, there is no reason to be looking down at it and losing your focus. For the salsa classes google for meetup groups in your area that are related to salsa. It will be free-$20. One group I joined will be $32 for the month, 8 hrs.

What I am learning about myself...
-I get angst when I don't talk to her for no reason whatsoever. When I fell asleep one night, I woke up around 245 and saw I missed her call and couldn't get back to sleep. I didn't do anything about it other than lay there in bed. I should have went to the gym, or journaled or something.
-Exercise helps a ton. When I get that burning sensation in my chest, exercise helps get out some of that tension.

Excersize lets you change your focus onto you. I'm of the belief all us DJ's and half a$$ DJ's need to have a physique hot enough that it raises their pulse, so they are the ones putting you on a pedestal and not the other way around. Focus on you.

-I have tried making more eye contact with strangers, smiled and have gotten pretty good results. No numbers, but I could read interest.
-I am beginning to realize that I am not sure if I can work on myself while maintaining this relationship...
-Swingers is a great movie for guys in my situation or even after a breakup, especially the first 5 minutes...
-Staying distracted and keeping your mind of something else is HARRRDDDDD!
-Setting myself up for failure with invites. Lunch is not really feasible and week nights are tough
-I need a new wardrobe! I am 6'1" at about 185 now, and still have everything from when I was 210 lbs

Some of the clothes from when you where 210 can be tailored down. They will fit better than clothes un tailored. Male stripper get their pants shirts and suits tailored so that they are more sharp than the average joe who doesn't pay attention to those details.

You are all muscle at 185 with abs? What a difference did it make with the babe(s)?

I intend to taper back talking to her even more starting today and through next week. Got a salsa group lesson next Friday. This will end one of two ways... I work on myself and realize she's not right for me, or I work on myself and we flourish...Either way, I need to work on myself...

Work on yourself, keep your engagements with the female limited mostly to sex, you can date her a little, but there should be lots of sex and she should want it and come to you as well.

 

[Roober]

Good stuff! Being busy seems to be a bit tricky as everything seems to cost money, and I guess I don't think I have ever had to find things to do. At 185, I have some definition, but still got a ways to go. I was about 195 when we started dating, so haven't gained a lot of definition since we have started dating. Sex wise? Hasn't really changed other than not as hot and heavy, became a bit more mechanical the last month or so... I do need new clothes though, just looking through it now. Never thought about tailoring, that seems like a good idea.

 

[Roober]

She has pointed out a few issues, in a polite manner. SHE has done you a favor. Now that you know, give her a little space, and pay attention to your own neediness. Neediness in either sex is not attractive.


I think you have done a very good job on self-evaluation.

You know the issues - now figure a plan to deal with them.

Thanks! I get that and appreciate that she gave me the feedback, I will be better for it either way. Sucks that I had to get it out of her though. Figuring out the plan is tricky with responding to texts, calling, answering calls, etc.

Some of the new things I feel are working...
-Basically, I have just started putting my phone on silent, and that has helped quite a bit. I have become a bit too attached to it (prior to this girl), constantly checking, etc.
-Put Do not disturb on at 9pm since I have to wake up at 4am for work. I shouldn't be sacrificing my sleep to talk on the phone
-Making it a point to do something every day I don't have my boys, even if it just window shopping at the mall.
-I seem to struggle most when I have my boys, lots of time playing with them, etc. My mind gets bored and wanders...

 

[mrgoodstuff]

Thanks! I get that and appreciate that she gave me the feedback, I will be better for it either way. Sucks that I had to get it out of her though. Figuring out the plan is tricky with responding to texts, calling, answering calls, etc.

Some of the new things I feel are working...
-Basically, I have just started putting my phone on silent, and that has helped quite a bit. I have become a bit too attached to it (prior to this girl), constantly checking, etc.
-Put Do not disturb on at 9pm since I have to wake up at 4am for work. I shouldn't be sacrificing my sleep to talk on the phone
-Making it a point to do something every day I don't have my boys, even if it just window shopping at the mall.
-I seem to struggle most when I have my boys, lots of time playing with them, etc. My mind gets bored and wanders...

Be in the moment. Find some books you can read when they are doing their thing around you. Theres plenty of self improvement and mindset books.

 

[exhausted]

Been dating this girl for 6 months, single mom, and we basically spend every other weekend together when she doesn't have her kid, occasionally during the week for lunch, Warriros game, etc.. Recently, she has been a bit more distant, and I asked her "how do you feel about our relationship?" on Tuesday. We talked for a while... Long story short, she basically told me I was being a bit needy, too available, ...

What have I done wrong (i think)...
-I was in Chicago, she called while I was out, I missed it called 10 mins later, then texted with "I guess you went to bed, good night" - passive aggressive
-3 weeks ago: I got in a big fight with my ex (with whom I share 2 kids), and wanted to talk to GF. I called 12 times (I know this was bad....) - stupid, stupid, stupid
-I have been asking, "are you upset?" probably every couple days up till she said something on Sunday - needy
-Other random little things like helping her clean her parents house, bad response when she said I need to get a haircut - **** tests

Yesterday, we talked briefly and seemed okay. I just told her that I can't read her mind, and if something is bothering her, communicate that to me. So, now I realize I have made myself too available, which seems odd after you have been dating someone for 6 months... but I feel like I need to rebuild attraction

Have I done too much to lose it?
Should I just start ignoring her?
Do I lie about being busy?

By the way, I am the type that finds ways to make myself available for anyone, not just girlfriends

Sorry for the length

U are open and dont like drama.

Girls are closed off and like drama.

Just use her for something to do and bang until she gets deeper into u than u are her and that will restore balance.

Secondly she prob doesnt want to hear about your ex even tho she prob blabs about hers. Use ur mom or sisters for that.
Good luck

 

[Roober]

Just journaling again here, so I can look back at this valuable learning experience...

Thursday: talked for bout 30 mins before bed, said she would call in the AM. Everything all good in the hood...
Friday: Nada. I texted her at 1pm asking if she wants to catch a movie on Saturday? Response at 830pm... "Hey sorry, I'm taking [son's name] right now. I made plans with Bea (good college friend) tomorrow afternoon maybe play it be ear?" I responded "ya that works. drive safe" and she responded with "thanks"
Saturday: Text at 1pm: "Have fun with [friends name], we will catch up some other time".... response at 1045pm "I will, hope the party went well" (had a bday party for my son)
Sunday: "Good morning"... radio silence...
Monday: If I had to bet, I don't hear from her today. Safe to assume it's over and she is pulling some slow fade?

I have two options... Is "a" really even an option? In the back of my mind, I want her to reach out and feel like everything is okay with the crap she put me through the last two weeks. I know, it sounds pathetic...
a. Just thinking I will text later tonight, "Hey you, how was your weekend?" If she doesn't call, it's over... If she does, I will keep it short and sweet, "Since you want to have more time to yourself and want me to be less available, I think it is time that we go our separate ways. Good luck to you” - Just want her to know that she ended it and not me and it gives it closure...
b. IAssume she is pulling some slow fade B.S. and just go no contact starting today.

I think I realized this weekend that her being single for 5 years... she likes the chase and the attention, even my buddy has mentioned this, "I can tell she likes people to give her attention"... Oddly enough, the last two days I was a bit of a mess, but I feel pretty good this morning. I'm a grown man that has no interest in these games...

 

[The Duke]

I'd have a discussion with her and clear the air. Explain your expectations. Call her out on her lack of attention/affection and failure to initiate. Let her know she needs to step up to the plate if she wants to continue. Every time I have done this, I've increased attraction immensely and seen an immediate change in behavior. And they always tell me how "hot" it was that I called them out.

 

[AttackFormation]

Answers inside quote.

Just journaling again here, so I can look back at this valuable learning experience...

Thursday: talked for bout 30 mins before bed, Why are you chatting to her aimlessly like this? said she would call in the AM. I hope you had no involvement in making her say so, and even if you didn't, you should have told her something like to call you at a later time because you just talked Everything all good in the hood... Everything is already not good, take your blinders off

Friday: Nada. No sh!t I texted her at 1pm asking if she wants to catch a movie on Saturday? So your response to her not doing what she said is to give her MORE attention Response at 830pm... Because she knows she doesn't have to care about your time "Hey sorry, I'm taking [son's name] right now. I made plans with Bea (good college friend) tomorrow afternoon maybe play it be ear?" I responded "ya that works. drive safe" and she responded with "thanks" You are a lower priority than her routine, and why are you telling her things like "drive safe"? are you her mom? Anyway, this should have been where you stop talking to her until she contacts you and/or you pick up more girls, but.....
Saturday: Text at 1pm: WTF? now you text her the next day when she said she wasn't available? "Have fun with [friends name], My god dude, this is weak as h3ll, and if "Bea" is really code for "Chad" then she's laughing in your face we will catch up some other time...." Not at this rate, and why are you telling her that you two are GOING TO catch up some other time after she blows you off? response at 1045pm "I will, hope the party went well" (had a bday party for my son)
Sunday: "Good morning"... You're sending her these messages every day when she doesn't even care about you, so it's no wonder that you get: radio silence...
Monday: If I had to bet, I don't hear from her today. No sh!t Safe to assume it's over and she is pulling some slow fade? She is not pulling a slow fade, you are sending in depth charges to take out the remnants of your frame

I have two options... Is "a" really even an option? In the back of my mind, I want her to reach out and feel like everything is okay with the crap she put me through the last two weeks. You put yourself through the crap by being a weak man, don't project this on her I know, it sounds pathetic... Good, at least you recognize it
a. Just thinking I will text later tonight, "Hey you, how was your weekend?" For fvck sake, NO! If she doesn't call, it's over... If she does, I will keep it short and sweet, "Since you want to have more time to yourself and want me to be less available, I think it is time that we go our separate ways. Good luck to you” - Just want her to know that she ended it and not me and it gives it closure... Okay look, if even an internet stranger like me cringes at the weakness of this message and the thinking behind it, what do you think she feels when she sees that? Your goal with sending this is no more than trying to show her how weak, butthurt and codependent you are over her. The fact that you tell her she wants you to be less available is absolutely unbelievable - so you KNOW what you should do, you KNOW that you shouldn't do things that weaken your frame even more like this, and yet you still not only do it but accuse HER for it?
b. IAssume she is pulling some slow fade B.S. and just go no contact starting today. She's not pulling any BS. She is actually helping you become a better man for the future quicker, because she herself is not putting up with your behaviour

I think I realized this weekend that her being single for 5 years... she likes the chase and the attention, even my buddy has mentioned this, "I can tell she likes people to give her attention"... You are trying to rationalize your weak behavior as being her problem and not yours, which shows you can't even own up to yourself. Do you think she hasn't or won't notice that herself? Secondly, what woman on earth or man for that matter do you think doesn't like being chased and getting attention? Oddly enough, the last two days I was a bit of a mess, but I feel pretty good this morning. Do not talk to this woman again for AT LEAST one full month. If she reaches out to you meanwhile, end the interaction as quickly as possible in a polite, indifferent manner and do not reciprocate I'm a grown man that has no interest in these games... These are no freaking games. Stop projecting externally!

Sorry mods... I just couldn't take it, I had to make this post.

 

[Roober]

Answers inside quote.



Sorry mods... I just couldn't take it, I had to make this post.

Noted, thanks! I know I know... I shouldn't have reached out at all on Saturday or Sunday... I am just digging deeper and deeper in a grave that likely doesn't exist... no offense taken...

Just a couple things...
-I didn't coax her to call in the morning on Friday. She just said it before we hung up, no coaxing or expectations or anything.
-The Saturday text was in the morning
-Sunday text was completely pointless, I know that... I am getting better, but still got a ways to go.

No more checking phone when I don't have to... no more initiating contact... Need to write it on my forehead...

And if I get the "everything okay? we don't talk any more" or any variation thereof?

 

[PantyWhisperer]

Noted, thanks! I know I know... I shouldn't have reached out at all on Saturday or Sunday... I am just digging deeper and deeper in a grave that likely doesn't exist... no offense taken...

Just a couple things...
-I didn't coax her to call in the morning on Friday. She just said it before we hung up, no coaxing or expectations or anything.
-The Saturday text was in the morning
-Sunday text was completely pointless, I know that... I am getting better, but still got a ways to go.

No more checking phone when I don't have to... no more initiating contact... Need to write it on my forehead...

And if I get the "everything okay? we don't talk any more" or any variation thereof?

Just take a long time to respond, if at all and just say you were busy. Let her think that she's not that important to you. I still don't think it has any chance to work but the only other option is to just ignore her and move on. To me that's the best option

 

[Roober]

no update yet

 

[Roober]

UPDATE:
Monday - She called in the AM, I was out of the office. She called in the PM and I kept it short (5 mins), and finished with "I have to go to the gym"
Tuesday - I texted her tonight and said I would like to come over. I needed some certainty in this situation as I have been losing sleep, not focusing at work, etc. Maybe not the way a Don Juan would handle it, but I have much to learn. We talked for about an hour about work and just general BS. Then I asked her if she thought about what we talked about a couple weeks ago. She said quite a bit, so she talked mostly. Long story short, she didn't feel ready for a serious relationship. We got a bit too heavy too fast and it was scary, thinking about her son, etc. It may not have worked out anyways, but that definitely sped up the process... I said "well, we had a good run. I wish you the best of luck" Gave her a hug and said "goodbye". I remained probably about 80% cool, I could feel a little emotion seeping through.

I got dumped before and immediately got with a "safe" woman to avoid these feelings, but that cost me 12 years of my life. That will not happen again!

Day 1 of a new life starts tomorrow. Thank you all for your support and guidance as I believe it helped soften the blow. I may disappear and pathetically cry myself to sleep a few days, but I will be back...