Girlfriend Problems

[University.Kid]

What's up guys? So I guess I haven't been here for nearly 4 years. I'm having some trouble with my girlfriend and honestly have no idea where to go for advice.

Here's the situation.

I've been dating my girlfriend for 6 months. We've known each other for 2.5 years, have hooked up on and off over that time frame, getting serious at times then scaling back. The reason for this is because she lives 1.5 hours away from me both in the summer and also during the school year. I have lots of friends at her University and vice versa so we (now) see each other every weekend.

I originally (stupidly) brought up exclusivity before school started last year, but she said that she didn't think she could do the distance so we just stayed casual. At the start of this school year (after hanging out every weekend in the summer) she asked me to be exclusive.

Recently I found out that she slept with someone else last school year. I'm not sure of the exact time frame, but she lead me to believe it was before Christmas. Now we weren't exclusive but we were sleeping together quite often, and sex was a big deal to her (had only slept with 1 other guy once before me, then this guy in the middle). She told me she slept with 2 other people when we discussed sexual history, but lead me to believe that they were both years ago. For the past year (during time frame they had sex) we haven't worn condoms.

Also last year she met someone on a trip to Europe and ended up flying down to the US to spend a weekend with him in April before going to see her parents. We slept together both after she returned from her original trip, as well as a couple days before she left to go see him, and she only told me about going to see her parents.

So she broke things off with this guy during the summer when we started getting closer and hasn't talked to him since. She also claims the guy she slept with last year was a one-night stand and she doesn't even know the guy.

Should I get out before this gets worse or am I overreacting to her simply pursuing other guys when we weren't dating? She has done nothing to make me believe anything has happened since we started dating.

Thanks in advance.

 

[University.Kid]

I realize that jumbled mess probably looks confusing so I'll give you guys a time frame.

October 2010: we meet at a friends house, hook up, I sleep over Fri/Sat
Oct '10-Aug '11: hang out 20+ times, no sex but everything else / hang out often
August 2011: ask her about exclusivity, she shuts it down
December 2011: we have sex for the first time, becomes very regular
February 2012: she goes to Europe, meets a guy/hooks up
April 2012: she meets guy from Europe in the US, spends the weekend
May - August 2012: hang out every weekend, lots of sex/couple like stuff
September 2012: we start dating

Somewhere between August 2011 & April 2012 she had this one night stand. We get along very well, the sex is good (gave her her first orgasm, has them every time we hook up now), very regular, and she's never lead me to believe she's doing anything wrong.

What do you guys think? Should I cut my losses and move on before I get burned or look past this history since we weren't officially dating?

 

[pipe007]

well you two werent official when she had her Hore moments so that makes it ok I suppose

however, a sexual history of one night stands and hooking up while becoming sexually invested with you demonstrates lack of impulse control and commitment, which is terrible qualities for girls if you want to make them into a long term relationship.

you may be setting yourself up for future dissapointment, but every person is different.

your best bet is to look at how she is currently treating you. Has she been good to you since becoming exclusive? any history of dishonesty or disrespect since officially dating?

I personally screen for this things. My previous LTR have had no history of one night stands, which demonstrates ability to self control and develop secure attachment with others.

good luck

 

[JoeMarron]

Being exclusive with this chick is silly. Its clear that she's nowhere near ready for that. If you can keep your distance emotionally then by all means keep being with her casually if not then end it. Oh and please wrap it up. At the rate she's going its only a matter of time before she catches something and gives it to you.

 

[University.Kid]

however, a sexual history of one night stands and hooking up while becoming sexually invested with you demonstrates lack of impulse control and commitment, which is terrible qualities for girls if you want to make them into a long term relationship.

your best bet is to look at how she is currently treating you. Has she been good to you since becoming exclusive? any history of dishonesty or disrespect since officially dating?

This is the thing. Despite the overwhelming evidence, she's only slept with 2 other people; one time each to boot (have many close mutual friends, so I know this is accurate - only thing I'm not 100% sure of is what happened with the guy in the US) and treats me like gold.

Regardless at this point I'm going to begin to spin some old plates until I can figure out what to do. I'm done University in a month and don't want to be without ***** in the mean time, I've become far too accustomed to regular sex. For all I know, I could be getting a job and moving 1000 miles away, giving this thing a natural end. Do you think it's better to discuss this with her (she told me while drunk, I just told her it was super interesting and KOd, didn't feel like fighting/overreacting) or just put it off until I can find something (one) else to do?

 

[Harry Wilmington]

First off: she told you she only slept with 2 guys, one time each? And you BELIEVED her?!?

:crackup:

Dude, two is the universal number girls give out to all guys. It's acceptable enough to where she lets the guy knows she's not a sex newbie, while at the same time not being a slut. If she had said 3 or more, chances are your viewpoint of her may be different. I never ask a girl how many guys she's been with because (a) no guy really, REALLY wants to know, and (b) as long as she's not diseased or currently screwing any of those guys, I could really care less about it.

Secondly: it's funny how many guys come on here and assume they know a girl's sexual history based on what her friends tell them. Dude, her friends are in her corner - they're going to lie for her to you as well. Also, they only know so much - even if you have a best friend, you can still manage to hide stuff from him if you don't want him to know. You think a girl can't be screwing a bunch of different guys without everyone knowing about it?? They're better at keeping things on the low than we are!

Okay, so now that that's out of the way...

If you guys weren't exclusive, she was in her right to bang anybody she wanted without your approval. She wasn't your girlfriend. Now, if you guys are officially a couple, she can't do that anymore. So, I'd say let it go. Yeah, she screwed other dudes while you were doing her, but weren't you also spinning plates at the same time? And if you weren't, just 'cause she had other plates doesn't mean she was doing anything wrong since nothing between you two was officially established.

Hope this helps!

 

[Jair213]

my x gf also told me she had only 2 sexual partners in the past. found out she had screwed over 10 guys one night stand being one of them LOL...

 

[foreverAFC]

it sucks when you realize she isnt who you thought she was

 

[University.Kid]

First off: she told you she only slept with 2 guys, one time each? And you BELIEVED her?!?

:crackup:

Haha well to be fair one of my best friends was on her floor in first year University and she was widely regarded as the 'prude' because she would shut it down with everyone after just a make out if it even got there. He even warned me about this when I started pursuing her the first night, they aren't tight friends so he's got no reason to lie about it. That being said you guys are completely right, it's not like my buddy was making nightly checks on her room and the 1 night stand does suggest otherwise. To be honest I don't really care if it's 2 or 5 as I don't exactly have a shining past myself; I just don't want to get burned by her cheating on me.

I appreciate all of the perspectives here. Although she hasn't done anything to make me believe this behavior as continued into our relationship and has treated me very well since the start, it's clear I need to take a step back, try to remove myself from the situation emotionally a bit and keep a level head. I wouldn't ever cheat on her but I will make sure to spin some plates so the options are there if things do go south.

All this being said, would you guys try to talk to her about it or just let it go? She said she'd talk that night about it but I was a little steamed and also drunk so it seemed like a bad idea.