In10se said:
Ok I just need some stuff cleared up, the majority of you in this thread seem to think that communication with the Ex under no circumstances is acceptable, correct?
Is there any merit in the idea of getting closure, having time apart, and then being friends again? Or you believe leaving that door open always leaves the possibility of sex?
What do you guys think about Desdinova's article about indifference and saying you should just "smile when your GF says she wants lunch with her ex". Essentially that emotional indifference draws her to you? (obviously I already blew that, but still this goes against your advice)
And someone said "part of love is sacrifice" she has committed to the idea of talking less and less with the kid and while she believes they will always stay in touch, he is not an immediate threat in another state.
This guy seems like a total beta to me, because he is clinging to her when he has his marine thing, if he was so worthwhile why would he be all hung up?
Before I answer your questions, know this: while everyone's experience with a girl talking to an ex may be different, the statistics indicate that, overall, it's not a good idea.
My experience: in my first senior year in college, I started dating a friend I had known for three years. She was still friends with her ex but I didn't care because I knew the guy and we were also friends (we stayed in the same dorm freshman year and ate lunch together regularly). One night my roommate and I threw a party at our apartment, and I had invited both of them to come to the party. Midway through the night, I noticed they were both missing. We found them in my closet lying down next to each other (still fully dressed, but cuddled up nonetheless).
Apparently, they had gotten time to talk to each other about their previous relationship, got the bad feelings out the way, and now liked each other again. Long story short: they ended up back together, I got depressed about it for months, and ended up failing my thesis 'cause I wasn't motivated to do my school work, 'causing me to have to have a 2nd senior year in college.
These are the kinds of things that can happen when an ex stays in the picture. And what I have found is girls are more naiive about this than guys are. They can be friends with anyone and not want to have sex with them, so to them it's no big deal to keep an ex around. However, guys are the ones who know that, if you play the right strings with a girl and say the right lines, even an ex will drop her panties for you one more time. Heck, I've done it several times with a few girls I used to see, so I know it's possible.
Okay, now to answer your questions:
1. The idea of "closure" is B.S. - the BREAK UP is the closure. Women have an idealized fantasy that they can have this one last conversation that will make them feel okay about the break up. It won't. Especially if they got dumped, that feeling of rejection is never going to allow them to have complete closure. They bring this up because it "sounds" like it will work, but it doesn't.
2. Yes, leaving that door open always leads to the possibility of sex. It's someone they've done it with before, so if they're going through a dry spell it's less awkward for them to do someone they've already done it with vs. a new guy.
3. If a girl tells you directly that she's having lunch with an ex, it's already a bad sign. In effect, she's telling you to get some kind of reaction from you. If she wasn't, she could have just said she was having lunch with an old friend. In either case, it's a catch-22: you don't want to seem like an a-hole by reacting too harshly, but you don't want to create a pattern that says you're okay with her seeing all these exes she may have.
The correct way to react to this is to SOUND indifferent, but ACT in a way that let's her know it's unacceptable. She says "hey, I'm going to lunch with my ex," you SOUND indifferent - "oh, okay, have a good time, I'll talk to you later, bye" - and then you ACT by not contacting her for a few days after. At some point she'll hit you up - "hey, I haven't heard from you in a while, everything okay" - and you can either mess with her head by saying something like "oh, it's all good - my ex-girlfriend came into town for a week and I've been spending some time at her hotel"; or, you be semi-direct at your annoyance with her - "well, you seemed to want to spend time with your ex more than me, so i've just been doing me" (i.e. being very vague as to what "doing me" is).
Regardless, she needs to know its unacceptable behavior. The strong hand, of course, is letting her know you feel disrespected and walk away. She may come to her senses, realize what she's giving up and change her mind about having to contact her ex so much, or she may find someone else. Either way, you don't deserve the decisions she's made thus far, and there is such a thing as being TOO accepting and understanding.
Hope this helps!
