Girlfriend is friends with another guy. Shlts me.

[Nutz]

thanks for the replies, but seriously guys. once the avalanche of "she's f'ing him, dump her etc.'' starts it doesn't stop.

its not an issue of cheating suspicion, its she's hanging out with him too much.

this thread is similair: http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?t=151736

As I said in that thread, most ATTRACTIVE women have guy friends, many of which will have sex with her if the opportunity presents itself. That's just the way it is.

What you really have to watch out for are the women who almost exclusively have male friends. They're the AWs who claim they "don't like the drama" and "don't get along well" with other women. In reality they just like the attention, favors, NSA sex, etc from what effectively amounts to being a harem of guys. Not all the guys in that harem are getting sex, but SHE is most certainly getting something out of each and every one of those guys.

From the sounds of it, it seems your woman has her own little male harem as well, and you're the guy she gets sex from for that short window of time you're together. What you need to figure out is what is she getting from the other guy when you're not around to see what they're doing. I hate to brew jealousy or mistrust, but it's clear something's not on the level with you guys and her and him.

 

[lordson]

ok, so she comes back last night and is all upset about how she feels that i've been suffocating her and not giving her space and freedom.

because of me probing about the party and her expalaining several times why i can't go. and also because for the past year any time she goes out i ask her a few simple questions, where are you going, what time are you getting back. and she says the freedom i used to give her isn't there anymore.

well she used to see her friends once a month, now she's seeing this new friend at work once a week, and she goes to explain how she can't help getting along with him and now that their really close.

anyway, after a bit of a talk, i got accross the message that i don't care who she goes out with and we dont need to see each other all the time and that i've always given her freedom, and she's thinking that i'm thinking things i'm not.

how the hell do i express to her that i'm giving her freedom but its just not g0d-dam right for her to see him so damned often. and she asks me 'do you ever get jealous when i go out with [him]'

also, before i left, i lovingly said that i would of course want to spend most of my time with her and i hope she was the same. and she said 'i'm not'. now that really pissed me off. i brushed it off again, because i think she misunderstood 'most' as 'all the time'. but i'm still pissed off at that

 

[BlackJackal]

ok, so she comes back last night and is all upset about how she feels that i've been suffocating her and not giving her space and freedom.

because of me probing about the party and her expalaining several times why i can't go. and also because for the past year any time she goes out i ask her a few simple questions, where are you going, what time are you getting back. and she says the freedom i used to give her isn't there anymore.

well she used to see her friends once a month, now she's seeing this new friend at work once a week, and she goes to explain how she can't help getting along with him and now that their really close.

anyway, after a bit of a talk, i got accross the message that i don't care who she goes out with and we dont need to see each other all the time and that i've always given her freedom, and she's thinking that i'm thinking things i'm not.

how the hell do i express to her that i'm giving her freedom but its just not g0d-dam right for her to see him so damned often. and she asks me 'do you ever get jealous when i go out with [him]'

also, before i left, i lovingly said that i would of course want to spend most of my time with her and i hope she was the same. and she said 'i'm not'. now that really pissed me off. i brushed it off again, because i think she misunderstood 'most' as 'all the time'. but i'm still pissed off at that

Here we go. This is how it always starts. Man all can tell you is dont be surprised when it starts getting worse between you and her.

 

[guitaronfire411]

If a girl doesn't respect your concerns, then all is lost.

For example, my ex asked me where I went at 1AM days before I broke up with her. ///This was just LAST Saturday/Sunday.///

her: Where did you go?
myself: I went to the TV lounge. I wasn't happy with the way that I was being treated.
her: Good night.

See? She didn't care enough to do anything about it. Your girl does not respect you and thus does whatever she likes despite you telling her that it isn't cool.

 

[everywomanshero]

Dude this relationship is over, sorry man. You're just refusing to turn off the lifesupport at this point. In the end you're going to find out the consensus of the majority here is right if you're lucky, if you're unlucky you won't find out this time with this guy and the relationship will drag on and you'll find out with the next chump. I'm not psychic but this can't go anywhere good. I would pull the eject button man.

 

[lordson]

probably sounds worse than it actaully is

my question is should i bring up again, that she sees him too much? it's okay if they were old friends before me, but when she starts getting close to another guy whislt in a relationship its not acceptable.

 

[Nutz]

Such a wonderful relationship you have there with that girl you plan to marry. /sarcasm


We've given you all the tools and advice you need to deal with your situation. We've shown you the door. It's up to you to walk through it.

 

[slaog]

ok, so she comes back last night and is all upset about how she feels that i've been suffocating her and not giving her space and freedom.

because of me probing about the party and her expalaining several times why i can't go. and also because for the past year any time she goes out i ask her a few simple questions, where are you going, what time are you getting back. and she says the freedom i used to give her isn't there anymore.

So she doesn't want to tell you where she's going and worse, she attacks you for asking the simple question!!! It's your right to be able to ask that.


How is the relationship generally? Whats it like when ye spend time togethar? Are there ever arguments? Does she call/text you often? Does she look forward to meeting up with you? Does she talk about you to her friends/family? Do you get on each others nerves?

 

[lordson]

the relationship and interation when we're together is compeltely fine. we don't fight, we still get along, she's still attracted to me like normal, we still kiss, have sex, call, we talk about everything. the relationship is FINE.

alright, i get you guys. but i dont think its that bad, she's just that type of girl, that worries too much and has alot of guy friends

what i'm going to do, is when i pick her up today, i will tell her flatly, that i'm not going to hold it inside anymore, and say that i'm not comfortable with her seeing this guy friend all the time. mainly because it hasn't been a long friend, but a new one, and why does she feel close to another guy and if you can develop those sort of feelings, you may develop others.

or i could just ignore it and crack on

 

[AlexTheGreat]

or you could just dump her unexpectedly and see how she reacts. The situation doesn't seem like it's going to get better without swift action. All the other guys have said it, and it doesn't matter whether there are no huge fights between you. The way she acts says a lot more about how she feels than what she's telling you in words.

The fact that she felt "controlled" and whatnot simply proves that she has lost more attraction towards you than you care to notice.

Also, having sex doesn't mean a relationship is healthy: proof being that I had sex with my ex the day before we broke up.

Man up lordson, this relationship is a sinking ship: you can either stay on and try to swim to shore, or take that last liferaft and live to fight another day.

 

[Jitterbug]

Denial ain't just a river in Egypt, that's for sure.

 

[lordson]

i've been taking everything in. i hear you guys, i'm pretty sure she is the one and i can see myself marrying her and spending the rest of my life with her

but is her interest waning? i'll ask her that straight up later, becuase of her comment 'i'm not like you wanting to see you most/all the time' and her all too frequent hanging out with her new 'close' friend. thats the issue.

i've decided, i'm going to be a man and not bottle it up and tell her how i feel. i know if i bottle it up, everything will go back to normal and life goes on; but who knows for how long. I don't want to do that anymore

 

[guitaronfire411]

Remember this:

Any girl that doesn't add to your life, is POISONING it. One of my best friends noticed a change come over me around Monday/Tuesday of this week, and it's because my girl is no longer in my sights. I have my devil-may-cry attitude, my sense of humour, my adventurous spirit, and most importantly, my balls! I found it hilarious that she tried to chew me out over the phone and hurt me by saying "the relationship is dead". Well darling, I broke up with you a week ago....where were you when that happened?!

Any friends, family members, alcohol, drugs, etc. that aren't making your life easier is SLOWLY KILLING YOU IN SOME SHAPE OR FORM. This means your confidence, your mind, and your wallet.

Ditch the ***** now and spin plates OR spin plates and then ditch her. Trust me, there is always someone else out there who will treat you better than a leech! I just went through this myself and I'm talking to a 8~ 8.5.

Edit: If you must tell her, speak calmly and authoritatively and use the words "I feel" rather than "You ...".

 

[FutureSpartan]

thanks for the replies, but seriously guys. once the avalanche of "she's f'ing him, dump her etc.'' starts it doesn't stop.

its not an issue of cheating suspicion, its she's hanging out with him too much.

this thread is similair: http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?t=151736

Lordson, it does not matter what you or the other forum members THINK she is up to with this guy. Even your feelings and emotions for this girl do not matter either. Its completely and totally irrelevant.

All that matters is that her current actions have made you feel uncomfortable. Your gut instinct tells you something is not right. You need to let her know.

It's time to set an ultimatum with her. Calmly, tell her that you do not appreciate her seeing other guys while you two are dating. If she refuses, then you walk. If you don't, eventually she will lose all respect for you and if she has not cheated on you already, by then she most definitiely will.


Good luck brother.

 

[lordson]

i know, the potential outcomes of the talk. it can go two ways.

one way i express to her my insecuriteis about her having a male friend and what she gets out of it that she has to see him every week, what kind of fun can she derive from it. and what she sees in him that she doesn't in me, and the end of this conversation would lead to me wanting to see her less

or

it can go, me telling her that i'm not jealous but i am a bit insecure that she's seeing a guy, a new guy frined she considers close every week. and that conversation can end in her reassuring me that every thing's fine.

either way when i go back to Ballarat for 6 months, she's going to feel she may have to hide seeing him all the time. and will feel more pressured or suffocated and feels she has less freedom

everything will be better off if i say nothing, but I've never expressed myself before in our 3 yr relationship, and i'm not doing it anymore. I'm going to tell her how i feel.

i need to collect my thoughts and think about what i'll say

 

[iambrian81]

Seriously, stop ****ing overanalyzing, grab some balls and DO something about it.

Here are the options:

1. Dump her
2. Ask to go to the party with her and hangout with her guy friend. Lay down the law and dont let her refuse you. **** man, a female friends tries to start drama with me and here's how i lay down the law with her. "Alright, this is getting too much drama, i'm done with this topic!". She tries to start more ****, which i ignore and 5 minute later, she's all sweet to me.

It's ****ing simple. Dont analyze what will happen, just DO IT. Have some balls you ****ing coward. The more i read this, the more i realize most american males are becoming more and more of a *****.

I dont know who's more pathetic in this forum, you or that 32 year old virgin that is Luke Skywalker.

 

[Nutz]

alright, i get you guys. but i dont think its that bad, she's just that type of girl, that worries too much and has alot of guy friends

In other words she's an AW that only cares about herself. As soon as you call her out on her BS she complains? Yeah, quality girl you got there.

Seriously dude, forget what she saids and focus on her actions. Those are what you have to listen to. Everything that comes out of her mouth is meaningless. What is she actually *doing*?! Her actions say she's liking this guy, wants to spend time with him when she should be with you, and is effectively dating him and you at the same time, only for them it's still in the early states of quasi friendship for appearances purposes. I gurandamntee you if you guys break up he'll be upgraded from "just friends" to "dating" by the end of the week.

Remember this:

Any girl that doesn't add to your life, is POISONING it. One of my best friends noticed a change come over me around Monday/Tuesday of this week, and it's because my girl is no longer in my sights. I have my devil-may-cry attitude, my sense of humour, my adventurous spirit, and most importantly, my balls! I found it hilarious that she tried to chew me out over the phone and hurt me by saying "the relationship is dead". Well darling, I broke up with you a week ago....where were you when that happened?!

Any friends, family members, alcohol, drugs, etc. that aren't making your life easier is SLOWLY KILLING YOU IN SOME SHAPE OR FORM. This means your confidence, your mind, and your wallet.

Ditch the ***** now and spin plates OR spin plates and then ditch her. Trust me, there is always someone else out there who will treat you better than a leech! I just went through this myself and I'm talking to a 8~ 8.5.

Edit: If you must tell her, speak calmly and authoritatively and use the words "I feel" rather than "You ...".

Good advice overall. If someone isn't enriching your life, then why are you devoting time to them? Life is short, so enjoy it while you can. If that means cutting off value leaches you've always considered friends, or girlfriends, or even family, then sometimes that's what it takes to get the ball rolling.




My final bit of advice to lordson is not to get negative with her. That will sour how she perceives you when you start laying down the law. Instead of making ultimatums and sounding like you're having a temper tantrum or insecurity spike, use this magic phrase:

"How would you feel if...."

And then describe what it is she's doing. Then see how she reacts. If you just come out swinging she's going to think you're just jealous and insecure. If you can get her to feel the same things you're feeling, then she'll identify with what you've got going on and will likely agree with you. This is just a solid trick I picked up during my years being married. So long as I had a logical point to make and wasn't in the wrong, I won ever single argument where I used that line (or technique if you will).

 

[lordson]

so i did have a talk with her. hard to describe it here, but it went well, i expressed how i feel and it didn't lead to the i want you to see him less. she reassured me of her feelings and the fact that she isn't stupid and can see how how looks, but i needn't worry. those arn't quotes, just the gist of it. I tried to come across as unhappy but not too insecure so she doesn't think she has the upper hand. So in the end we understand each other better now and our relationship is stronger because of it. I just learned that its much better to express your feelings than bottle it up inside.

cheers fellas, most of you guys were pretty right

 

[cw92]

so i did have a talk with her. hard to describe it here, but it went well, i expressed how i feel and it didn't lead to the i want you to see him less. she reassured me of her feelings and the fact that she isn't stupid and can see how how looks, but i needn't worry. those arn't quotes, just the gist of it. I tried to come across as unhappy but not too insecure so she doesn't think she has the upper hand. So in the end we understand each other better now and our relationship is stronger because of it. I just learned that its much better to express your feelings than bottle it up inside.

cheers fellas, most of you guys were pretty right

is she still going to see those guy "friends" of hers?

if you can't even meet them then somethings up, no matter what she says, it just sounds so shady.

 

[Brighty]

This is a pathetic thread. The signs were clear from the first post.

I can't count how many times you said a variation of "She did <this>, but I'm going to overlook it" or "I'll let it slide" or my favorite "I brushed it off", it doesn't take a DJ to see that you're being used as a doormat. Also, you keep on saying "She's not the cheating type", "Her friend wouldnt steal her from me", "she just has a lot of guy friends", "shes not like that".

The worst ****ing part is that you turn a blind eye to FIVE PAGES of advice given to you by respectable members of the community because you think they don't understand or there's some hidden factor that they're not seeing (there's not, btw). You're essentially slapping them all in the face when they're just trying to help you. You're absolutely, 100% wrong. They understand the situation better than you seem to, or at least, better than your conscious part of your brain seems to (your subconscious seems to be telling you to gtfo) and you're so far in denial and waste-deep in excuses its not even pitiable anymore. Yeah, I know you've been together for a long time, yeah it's gonna hurt. But you're setting yourself up for more pain by letting this relationship continue. Someone needs to smack you upside the head, grab your balls, and tell you to ****ing man up.

Bottom line; if its not the friend you know about, then shes ****ing another guy behind your back. He's probably getting it more often than you are from her too and you're just smiling and nodding while this is happening. I hate to be a ****, but someone needs to smack you upside the head and give you a verbal beatdown until you get enough testostorone in your shriveled testicles to man up and drop that *****. She doesn't deserve you and you don't deserve to be played like that. **** no you don't. No one does.


But your not even going to take this post seriously, either, so I just wasted my time just like the other dozens of users who have tried to help you.