Girlfriend and I on a freeze out after I ignored her, now what?

[9Volt]

Take a week off from her. She'll contact you.

Better to call and nip it in the bud. Playing passive aggressive who can hold their breath longer is for kids.

Do you though.

 

[SkrooU]

If she wanted to resolve a problem, she could come forward for discussion. But she didn't; instead she pulled back. If OP pursues her following her pullback he is conditioning/training her to know:

1) Whenever she has a problem, don't discuss it. Pull back instead;
2) When she wants to own the frame, all she needs to do is simply pullback;
3) She is in control, a puppeteer with strings.

Further, the act of pursuing her after her pullback is frame damaging. It implicitly shows her that her value is greater than your own, which is why YOU need to come to her. Why could she not come to you if there were a problem? Think about it.

Exactly, so give her space. No need to call her to tell her you're giving her space for the reasons I delineated above.

Whenever you are in a situation where everything is normal, and the girls pull back, then you pull back further.

Now, if you were to cheat on her or were unequivocally the cause for blame, then in this context only, I would call to apologize to her, let her know that I'd like to reconcile, and tell her to get back to me if/when she feels the same way. Here, though, OP did not state he committed deal-breaker acts which led to her pullback.

If she is hanging by a thread, let her go. You don't ever want to be in a relation with a women where at any point she was hanging on a thread. This is scarcity thinking.

In arguendo, if one were a beta with scarcity thinking and wanted to reconcile with a girl who was hanging on a thread, then his best prescription would be an entire disappearance. Where there is scarcity, there is value. What's easily available and waiting is never appreciated.
Has nothing to do with ego, but rather understanding social cues and responding in the most favorable way for YOU.

I get what you're saying, but it's not always about power and comparative value. In an LTR there are deeper levels of connection and experiences than a budding romance.

We have to consider there is another person involved here besides OP; his girlfriend is likely thinking the same thing and her girlfriends telling her to go no contsct until he csves. What good will that do either of them?

She may have made many attempts to get OP to understand what he was fvcking up. And he may be clueless, which is why she may be distant. She might be doing this out of self respect or misunderstandings. It doesn't have to be about power. Sometimes people become distant because they think you don't care or have misinterpreted something. If OP wants to confirm he doesn't care, then by all means ghost her.

Only OP can know what the problem is unless we talk about this with him for an hour. But the sad part is that he probably doesn't know.

Maybe he's an awesome boyfriend and she's an ungrateful hoe. We just don't know.

Blowing someone off is not always the solution. To make this clear, just read his initial post. He said he ignored her all day, and now they are in a freeze out! Maybe she was just about to warm up to him and he blew it by already doing exactly what people here have been telling him to do again.

 

[Juanto]

one final phone call isn't going to hurt unless you fear calling your girlfriend of three years.

If its dead in the water, this phonecall will not change nor help you. In my view, becoming scarce is better for you for the relationship and not just to the relationship in question.

 

[9Volt]

If its dead in the water, this phonecall will not change nor help you. In my view, becoming scarce is better for you for the relationship and not just to the relationship in question.

You can run away and play a weak power game. "IF" you find out if by calling like a man.

I call and either we resolve it or end it.

 

[Juanto]

"IF" you find out if by calling like a man.

As I said, if its dead in the water. Now, if YOU messed up, then yes, you should call and talk to her if indeed you want her back.

Just curious now to know more about this situation from OP before giving out more opinions.

 

[l_e_g_e_n_d]

I get what you're saying, but it's not always about power and comparative value. In an LTR there are deeper levels of connection and experiences than a budding romance.

We have to consider there is another person involved here besides OP; his girlfriend is likely thinking the same thing and her girlfriends telling her to go no contsct until he csves. What good will that do either of them?

She may have made many attempts to get OP to understand what he was fvcking up. And he may be clueless, which is why she may be distant. She might be doing this out of self respect or misunderstandings. It doesn't have to be about power. Sometimes people become distant because they think you don't care or have misinterpreted something. If OP wants to confirm he doesn't care, then by all means ghost her.

Only OP can know what the problem is unless we talk about this with him for an hour. But the sad part is that he probably doesn't know.

Maybe he's an awesome boyfriend and she's an ungrateful hoe. We just don't know.

Blowing someone off is not always the solution. To make this clear, just read his initial post. He said he ignored her all day, and now they are in a freeze out! Maybe she was just about to warm up to him and he blew it by already doing exactly what people here have been telling him to do again.

Endless possibilities. All irrelevant. If OP calls now, she will use this tactic again. Very simply, answer this, if there is a problem, why doesn't she call him?

 

[SkrooU]

Endless possibilities. All irrelevant. If OP calls now, she will use this tactic again. Very simply, answer this, if there is a problem, why doesn't she call him?

Yes she is likely to use this tactic against him. Why? Because he ignored her for an entire day. He wanted to play games and now he's got one.

Why doesn't she call him? Again, because he ignored her all day. She doesn't want to be rejected again.

How can you say her interest level will rise if he ignores her yet simultaneously say she will use this tactic against him?

It's a childish game they're in. Who's ultimately at fault is unknown.

But this is why I suggested the text in my first post. It calls an end to the game they're both participating in, gives her an offer for space, shows he's ready to accept her being done, but leaves the door open. Nothing pandering about it.

 

[9Volt]

Yes she is likely to use this tactic against him. Why? Because he ignored her for an entire day. He wanted to play games and now he's got one.

Why doesn't she call him? Again, because he ignored her all day. She doesn't want to be rejected again.

How can you say her interest level will rise if he ignores her yet simultaneously say she will use this tactic against him?

It's a childish game they're in. Who's ultimately at fault is unknown.

But this is why I suggested the text in my first post. It calls an end to the game they're both participating in, gives her an offer for space, shows he's ready to accept her being done, but leaves the door open. Nothing pandering about it.

^^this. if the op did nothing wrong that he knows of simply calling and seeing what's up one time doesn't hurt.
it's a chick he's dated three years. if all of a sudden she's in three years stopped replying as quick it's not a history of doing that.

if she doesn't answer, call back, or resolve whatever the issue is on the phone or in person op can just end it.

 

[l_e_g_e_n_d]

Yes she is likely to use this tactic against him. Why? Because he ignored her for an entire day. He wanted to play games and now he's got one.

Why doesn't she call him? Again, because he ignored her all day. She doesn't want to be rejected again.

As per OP: "She began replying slowly over texts when she used to reply fast." OP responded accordingly.

You have the male/female dynamic reversed. If there were no wrongdoing on the part of the man, the woman must bend and break her will to and for the man. If the man bends his will first, he cannot be trusted to protect her. Hypergamy exists in theory as men recognized that women choose to mate up, not down. Hence, the shvt tests, to test a man's strength and fortitude--not his devotion.

How can you say her interest level will rise if he ignores her yet simultaneously say she will use this tactic against him?

It's a childish game they're in. Whose ultimately at fault is unknown.

But this is why I suggested the text in my first post. It calls an end to the game they're both participating in, gives her an offer for space, shows he's ready to accept her being done, but leaves the door open. Nothing pandering about it.

She started the game. And he will end it. There was no wrongdoing on his part. She is testing him or frankly not that interested. And if he were to call, she will recognize that he is just another pandering beta on her purse strings.

Women have always been the physically weaker but emotionally stronger sex. Women will manipulate and test whenever/wherever there is doubt. Don't be a fool and succumb to their machinations. Give them nothing, but education on how your relationship will run. After your overt boundaries at the onset of exclusivity, the education to which I refer is best effected covertly. The hand that burns on the oven learns harshly, but quickly, and without a word.

 

[SkrooU]

As per OP: "She began replying slowly over texts when she used to reply fast." OP responded accordingly.

You have the male/female dynamic reversed. If there were no wrongdoing on the part of the man, the woman must bend and break her will to and for the man. If the man bends his will first, he cannot be trusted to protect her. Hypergamy exists in theory as men recognized that women choose to mate up, not down. Hence, the shvt tests, to test a man's strength and fortitude--not his devotion.


She started the game. And he will end it. There was no wrongdoing on his part. She is testing him or frankly not that interested. And if he were to call, she will recognize that he is just another pandering beta on her purse strings.

Women have always been the physically weaker but emotionally stronger sex. Women will manipulate and test whenever/wherever there is doubt. Don't be a fool and succumb to their machinations. Give them nothing, but education on how your relationship will run. After your overt boundaries at the onset of exclusivity, the education to which I refer is best effected covertly. The hand that burns on the oven learns harshly, but quickly, and without a word.

I agree with what you are saying when applied to certain situations, probably most situations. However, taking longer to reply to texts does not always mean someone is playing games. And you stated he did nothing wrong. But this is an assumption. She may have been slow to respond because his texts were showing a lack of interest and seeming lazy. I'm just saying that possibly it is he who created feelings within her that she was not valued first. A female has to have her own standards too.

My post was not meant to argue against distancing yourself from a female that is losing interest. It was to warn men against taking a knee jerk reaction to play the ignoring game just because your ego is in the way. Its not always the solution.

Dumping her first really is not going to change how he feels because he will only be doing it because he knows, or only thinks, she wants to dump him. I know because I've done it myself. And ignoring her is going to cause him to mind fvck himself for months. Better to just have the closure and let her get it over with.

 

[l_e_g_e_n_d]

I agree with what you are saying when applied to certain situations, probably most situations. However, taking longer to reply to texts does not always mean someone is playing games. And you stated he did nothing wrong. But this is an assumption. She may have been slow to respond because his texts were showing a lack of interest and seeming lazy. I'm just saying that possibly it is he who created feelings within her that she was not valued first. A female has to have her own standards too.

My post was not meant to argue against distancing yourself from a female that is losing interest. It was to warn men against taking a knee jerk reaction to play the ignoring game just because your ego is in the way. Its not always the solution.

Dumping her first really is not going to change how he feels because he will only be doing it because he knows, or only thinks, she wants to dump him. I know because I've done it myself. And ignoring her is going to cause him to mind fvck himself for months. Better to just have the closure and let her get it over with.

Let's look at the facts:

OP states:

"GF of 3 years had been distant over the past 2 weeks, replying slowly over texts when she used to reply fast so the other day I got tired of it."

1) She has been distant not for one, two, three or even four occasions, but for two weeks. It's fair to assume if they were in a 3-year relation over 1000 days, that they communicated everyday or multiples times per day. So in the last 14 days (out of 1000), she has been distant every day?

2) OP got tired of it. Irregardless, of whether OP's "tiredness" was objectively meritorious, in accordance with his standards, HE was "tired" of it.

3) OP responded to her distance by backing off. Now, in arguendo, let's say she had meritorious reasons for being distant every day for 14 days, then when OP backed off, she could have easily called OP to find out what the issue was. Instead, she backed off causing further willful injury to the relation. Is this truly a girl who you want to stand firmly by your side when you are out there fighting your wars with the world?

She needs to learn deference or get replaced.

 

[SkrooU]

Let's look at the facts:

OP states:

"GF of 3 years had been distant over the past 2 weeks, replying slowly over texts when she used to reply fast so the other day I got tired of it."

1) She has been distant not for one, two, three or even four occasions, but for two weeks. It's fair to assume if they were in a 3-year relation over 1000 days, that they communicated everyday or multiples times per day. So in the last 14 days (out of 1000), she has been distant every day?

2) OP got tired of it. Irregardless, of whether OP's "tiredness" was objectively meritorious, in accordance with his standards, HE was "tired" of it.

3) OP responded to her distance by backing off. Now, in arguendo, let's say she had meritorious reasons for being distant every day for 14 days, then when OP backed off, she could have easily called OP to find out what the issue was. Instead, she backed off causing further willful injury to the relation. Is this truly a girl who you want to stand firmly by your side when you are out there fighting your wars with the world?

She needs to learn deference or get replaced.

Look man, Ive been in this situation a few times. Every situation was different. Some were my fault. Some were not. In one situation, I was at fault, and I dropped her harshly because I didn't want to deal with the consequences of a problem I created. I do not want OP to make the same mistake IF he is at fault.

And there have been times when I left a text like the one in my original post. And it worked well.

OP makes a post that sounds like her interest level is in the toilet. Then if that's the case and there's nothing he can do, then fvck it, drop her. Who wants to hang on to someone walking out the door? Not me.

But like I said, there's a lot of knee jerk reactions on here. Ignoring your girl and dumping her is one of them. But how about actually taking the time to figure out what happened just to make sure we dont help some clueless dude unnecessarily flush his girl down the toilet and then kick himself in the a$$ for months for not having the self control to handle it with a laid back approach that doesn't make you look pandering but gives you both a chance to end it or work on it like adults?

There is nothing pandering about the text I suggested to send her. It is a nuetral statement.

 

[l_e_g_e_n_d]

Look man, Ive been in this situation a few times. Every situation was different. Some were my fault. Some were not. In one situation, I was at fault, and I dropped her harshly because I didn't want to deal with the consequences of a problem I created. I do not want OP to make the same mistake IF he is at fault.

And there have been times when I left a text like the one in my original post. And it worked well.

OP makes a post that sounds like her interest level is in the toilet. Then if that's the case and there's nothing he can do, then fvck it, drop her. Who wants to hang on to someone walking out the door? Not me.

But like I said, there's a lot of knee jerk reactions on here. Ignoring your girl and dumping her is one of them. But how about actually taking the time to figure out what happened just to make sure we dont help some clueless dude unnecessarily flush his girl down the toilet and then kick himself in the a$$ for months for not having the self control to handle it with a laid back approach that doesn't make you look pandering but gives you both a chance to end it or work on it like adults?

There is nothing pandering about the text I suggested to send her. It is a nuetral statement.

Good points, but don't overlook a cardinal premise:

If you are to lose a girl over a trivial matter (like this), this is not a girl you want in your life. The girl who you want will try her best to make the relation work, not distance herself, and stand by your side adhesively, so that YOU have 100% focus to tackle the world.

 

[9Volt]

Good points, but don't overlook a cardinal premise:

If you are to lose a girl over a trivial matter (like this), this is not a girl you want in your life. The girl who you want will try her best to make the relation work, not distance herself, and stand by your side adhesively, so that YOU have 100% focus to tackle the world.

And this O.P. is why you make that simple phone call to your girlfriend of three years and either resolve this trivial issue or break up, learning and growing from the experience.

 

[l_e_g_e_n_d]

And this O.P. is why you make that simple phone call to your girlfriend of three years and either resolve this trivial issue or break up, learning and growing from the experience.

I don't engage girls who distance themselves from me (to teach me a lesson). I don't have time or focus to invest for that. Plenty of women out there: I'd rather end the relation and find a steadfast trooper.

 

[9Volt]

I don't engage girls who distance themselves from me (to teach me a lesson). I don't have time or focus to invest for that. Plenty of women out there: I'd rather end the relation and find a steadfast trooper.

And you're finding these steadfast troopers on POF? LOL

 

[ImTheDoubleGreatest!]

Y'all care about OPs girlfriend than he does, dafuq is wrong with all of you?

 

[9Volt]

Y'all care about OPs girlfriend than he does, dafuq is wrong with all of you?

LMAO. You win the internet!

 

[SkrooU]

I don't engage girls who distance themselves from me (to teach me a lesson). I don't have time or focus to invest for that. Plenty of women out there: I'd rather end the relation and find a steadfast trooper.

Distancing yourself from your girl to teach a lesson is ok. Your girl distancing herself from you to teach you a lesson is not ok. That is a double standard. And a relationship will not work with double standards. Just sayin.

A lot of your posts emphasize having a solid frame and firm boundaries of self-respect. That's good. But it's easy to get stubborn when it comes to our own egos. If we want good relationships, we have to be willing to endure some hard times and deal with sh1t. We can't just drop people because they distance themselves. We have to examine why they distance themselves. It's not healthy to assume a woman has lost interest or is cheating on you just because she is slower to respond to texts. And we can't use text behavior patterns to judge relationships. We have heard nothing from OP about ANYTHING ELSE about his relationship. Are they stil fvcking? When did he see her last? Does she answer his calls? What were his texts about?

I have distanced myself for a number of reasons. You know which ones I came back to? The ones who respected my need for space and didn't play games. Those are the keepers.

 

[SkrooU]

Good points, but don't overlook a cardinal premise:

If you are to lose a girl over a trivial matter (like this), this is not a girl you want in your life. The girl who you want will try her best to make the relation work, not distance herself, and stand by your side adhesively, so that YOU have 100% focus to tackle the world.

Just take a minute to think this through. Seriously. How do we know that OP's girlfriend has not been trying to make the relationship work and that OP has been clueless to pick up on how he was lacking in some area? We don't know. People just assumed his girlfriend cheated or doesn't like him anymore. Maybe she doesn't. Why couldn't everybody just ask the dude some questions to figure it out before saying to drop her? Is that how we should handle other things in life? Someone who really wants to make the right decision will get all the facts before acting.

From the OP's post, my gut reaction would tell me she's on her way out. And that is yours too. It's just that nobody asked the tough questions just to make sure. That's all I'm sayin here. Don't jump to conclusions when people come here for advice.