Girl plays games, I play cool, she texts breakup

[JimmyMack]

Hey guys, long time reader, first time poster.

I'm looking to get advice and/or confirmation that I handled this well so that I may learn and grow; this is not a 'I want her back story'.

I was in a short relationship (month and a half) and all was good. She was into the sex, we vibed really well, and her IL was high as she would always reach out to me.

I'm a professional musician who is on the road a lot and she assumes that I"m sleeping with everything within reach to which I neither confirmed nor denied. The next time we hook up she tells me that she's dating other people and that she doesn't want me to get hurt. She is a 27 year old attorney for the state and I have no doubt guys are banging down her door. I told her I was cool with a casual relationship. (Did I handle that right?)

The next morning everything was great. She called the following day, which I missed, and when I called her back a few days later she began to get ice cold. We made some plans for Sunday but I could tell things took a dive. (Could she really be that pissed about a late returned call?)

Saturday night I'm at the bar with a buddy and she walks in with some dude and her friend. I assume it's one of the other dudes she's dating. With the intent of playing it easy, I walked up to her mentioning how I saw her come in and that I just wanted to say hello. She introduced me to the girl she was with but not the guy. I instantly got 'the' vibe and knew I should bow out. I told her it was great seeing her and we'd talk later. As I turned to walk away she gave me a look like WTF. (Perhaps I shouldn't have assumed that the guy was her date, but the vibe was not positive)

The next morning I got a text saying she was no longer interested in pursuing this relationship. I responded by simply saying I enjoyed our time together. (Right response?)

Did I handle the situation at the bar right or did I fall flat by making the wrong assumption about the guy she was with? Could she really have been so pissed off that it took me a few days to call her back that her whole attitude changed? Also, if she feels disrespected that I may have blown her off at the bar, is the idea of her texting meant to be an equal slap to the face?

FWIW I got a good laugh that day when I thought about the fact that I'm 32 and a 27 y/o just broke up with me over text.

Hopefully I can learn from where this may have gone wrong. Thanks!

 

[vatoloco]

Since you asked for advice, I'm gonna be brutally honest with you. I hope you take it well.

I was in a short relationship (month and a half) and all was good. She was into the sex, we vibed really well, and her IL was high as she would always reach out to me.

Usually when I talk about being in a "relationship," it means that she's requested exclusivity and has been granted it. By further reading, I could tell that that wasn't the case but, I wonder if deep down in your subconscious, that's what you wanted with this girl.

I'm a professional musician who is on the road a lot and she assumes that I"m sleeping with everything within reach to which I neither confirmed nor denied.

How do you know this? Did she constantly verbally accuse you?

The next time we hook up she tells me that she's dating other people and that she doesn't want me to get hurt.

Women don't usually do this out of the blue. What exactly happened before she told you this?

I told her I was cool with a casual relationship. (Did I handle that right?)

I'm not sure. If you said it because she told you that she was seeing other people (and if she's attractive, of course she's going to be), then it was a defensive reaction and she knows it. A better strategy when confronted with such a disclosure is to "agree and amplify." "Of course you are sweetheart! Why do you think I'm dating you!? " and keeping quiet about the girls that you may or may not be banging yourself.

The next morning everything was great. She called the following day, which I missed, and when I called her back a few days later she began to get ice cold. We made some plans for Sunday but I could tell things took a dive. (Could she really be that pissed about a late returned call?)

Dude, how do you miss a call and not call back until after "a few days"? That's kinda disrespectful. Sure, miss a call but call back the next day.

Saturday night I'm at the bar with a buddy and she walks in with some dude and her friend. I assume it's one of the other dudes she's dating. With the intent of playing it easy, I walked up to her mentioning how I saw her come in and that I just wanted to say hello. She introduced me to the girl she was with but not the guy. I instantly got 'the' vibe and knew I should bow out. I told her it was great seeing her and we'd talk later. As I turned to walk away she gave me a look like WTF. (Perhaps I shouldn't have assumed that the guy was her date, but the vibe was not positive)

The bold part was your crucial mistake. You should have been polite and acknowledged her (head nod, smile, etc) but you don't go up to a non-exclusive plate on a date and talk. How would you like to be out on a date with a girl and have a random plate (this is what you guys are, right?) and have her talk to you? Wouldn't it be awkward?

The next morning I got a text saying she was no longer interested in pursuing this relationship.

Of course she did! Based on the crucial mistake that you did the night before, she lost the marginal IL she had in you.

I responded by simply saying I enjoyed our time together. (Right response?)

Nope. This should have been it.

Also, if she feels disrespected that I may have blown her off at the bar, is the idea of her texting meant to be an equal slap to the face?

Dude, if you guys were non-exclusive, she doesn't really owe you a call. Sure, it would have been the classy thing to do but, you guys didn't have the time. You guys had only seen each other for a month and a half, right? How many get-togethers did you have with her during this time?

FWIW I got a good laugh that day when I thought about the fact that I'm 32 and a 27 y/o just broke up with me over text.

Dude, she dropped you. None of this "break up" shit. Plus, iirc, you guys weren't exclusive, right?

Learn from this experience and move on. Spin a new plate my friend.

 

[Weezy]

Since you asked for advice, I'm gonna be brutally honest with you. I hope you take it well.


Usually when I talk about being in a "relationship," it means that she's requested exclusivity and has been granted it. By further reading, I could tell that that wasn't the case but, I wonder if deep down in your subconscious, that's what you wanted with this girl.



How do you know this? Did she constantly verbally accuse you?



Women don't usually do this out of the blue. What exactly happened before she told you this?



I'm not sure. If you said it because she told you that she was seeing other people (and if she's attractive, of course she's going to be), then it was a defensive reaction and she knows it. A better strategy when confronted with such a disclosure is to "agree and amplify." "Of course you are sweetheart! Why do you think I'm dating you!? " and keeping quiet about the girls that you may or may not be banging yourself.



Dude, how do you miss a call and not call back until after "a few days"? That's kinda disrespectful. Sure, miss a call but call back the next day.



The bold part was your crucial mistake. You should have been polite and acknowledged her (head nod, smile, etc) but you don't go up to a non-exclusive plate on a date and talk. How would you like to be out on a date with a girl and have a random plate (this is what you guys are, right?) and have her talk to you? Wouldn't it be awkward?



Of course she did! Based on the crucial mistake that you did the night before, she lost the marginal IL she had in you.



Nope. This should have been it.



Dude, if you guys were non-exclusive, she doesn't really owe you a call. Sure, it would have been the classy thing to do but, you guys didn't have the time. You guys had only seen each other for a month and a half, right? How many get-togethers did you have with her during this time?



Dude, she dropped you. None of this "break up" shit. Plus, iirc, you guys weren't exclusive, right?

Learn from this experience and move on. Spin a new plate my friend.

Wow, this is spot on my friend. Excellent reply. +1 rep.

 

[JimmyMack]

Great Feedback

Since you asked for advice, I'm gonna be brutally honest with you. I hope you take it well.

Thank you. This is exactly the type of response I was hoping for. You are right on the money with all of it, and the honest, constructive criticism is what will help me grow.

Usually when I talk about being in a "relationship," it means that she's requested exclusivity and has been granted it. By further reading, I could tell that that wasn't the case but, I wonder if deep down in your subconscious, that's what you wanted with this girl.

Exactly it. I've been spinning other plates but deep down this is the one I really wanted to work out. From what I've been reading here, girls can sniff that out from a mile away.

How do you know this? Did she constantly verbally accuse you?

She would make remarks such as "Is this what you're doing to all the girls on the road" "I hope I can run into your roommate so I can ask her about all the girls you're bringing up here"

Women don't usually do this out of the blue. What exactly happened before she told you this?

To a fault, when I do get a girl back I'm a romantic in the sense that I put on music (Van Morrison's Moondance) and light a candle. She said "I've dated a musician before and I've seen all this happen...I'm dating/don't want to hurt you" etc.

I'm not sure. If you said it because she told you that she was seeing other people (and if she's attractive, of course she's going to be), then it was a defensive reaction and she knows it. A better strategy when confronted with such a disclosure is to "agree and amplify." "Of course you are sweetheart! Why do you think I'm dating you!? " and keeping quiet about the girls that you may or may not be banging yourself.

I like the "agree and amplify" approach. I try to get a read on people but my own words and reactions are much more difficult. On paper I can see how my response was defensive; I wish I had picked up on that in my head.

Dude, how do you miss a call and not call back until after "a few days"? That's kinda disrespectful. Sure, miss a call but call back the next day.

This, I've come to accept, has been my biggest AFC fault. I can be a jerk and fail to realize it. After reading what I wrote and your responses, this I feel, was the nail in the coffin. She had the self-respect to drop me there (followed by my bad move at the bar).

The bold part was your crucial mistake. You should have been polite and acknowledged her (head nod, smile, etc) but you don't go up to a non-exclusive plate on a date and talk. How would you like to be out on a date with a girl and have a random plate (this is what you guys are, right?) and have her talk to you? Wouldn't it be awkward?

I agree. This is where I thought I "played it cool" yet, in hindsight, I did not.
I had been drinking and was at that spot where I was hyper aware of not knowing what to do. Simply put, I got too much inside my head. This was definitely a learning experience.

Of course she did! Based on the crucial mistake that you did the night before, she lost the marginal IL she had in you.

Yeah, when I got home that night I was pretty much expecting this one to be done. It really helps reading the response to put it into clear perspective though.

Nope. This should have been it.

Dude, if you guys were non-exclusive, she doesn't really owe you a call. Sure, it would have been the classy thing to do but, you guys didn't have the time. You guys had only seen each other for a month and a half, right? How many get-togethers did you have with her during this time?

Dude, she dropped you. None of this "break up" shit. Plus, iirc, you guys weren't exclusive, right?

Learn from this experience and move on. Spin a new plate my friend.

This was definitely a solid learning experience. I've been a serial monogamist and after a 5yr relationship ended this spring I decided to work on shedding my AFC ways and date as much as possible. With what I've found here I've gotten much better at closing with girls I normally would have thought were "out of my league". I held this one too high up though and the AFC still in me, reared it's head once things got rolling, and due to those mistakes, she bailed. Truthfully, I've also never dated girls that were also spinning plates which is why, although I thought I handled this situation well, I really had no idea...and of course, she ended up knowing it.

Thankfully, I've deleted her number so there will be no drunken, bad move texts haha.

Thanks, vatoloco

 

[Jamo]

This is just my reading, but I think she actually wanted something more from you. She was assuming that you were having your own fun which you neither confirmed or denied, and her telling you that she is seeing other people was a poor attempt (egoistcal on her part) to get a reaction out of you. A response along the lines which Vatoloco suggested would have been most appropriate, yours just ended it for you.

The fact that you only returned her call after a couple of days confirmed that ( to her at least) you really did not give a sh1t so she moved on.

 

[Zunder]

This is just my reading, but I think she actually wanted something more from you. She was assuming that you were having your own fun which you neither confirmed or denied, and her telling you that she is seeing other people was a poor attempt (egoistcal on her part) to get a reaction out of you. Your response dictated on how things were going to proceed from there.

The fact that you only returned her call after a couple of days confirmed that ( to her at least) you really did not give a **** so she moved on.

In defence of OP, is two days really that long? What happened to the DJ maxim of being aloof? Maybe if it had been a week...but just two days? Is all I have been reading http://roissy.wordpress.com/2010/11/29/the-fundamentals/ about being aloof and indifferent a load of BS?

 

[1 Bad Dude]

There is more going on here than vatoloco sees. Simply put, I don't agree with him. However, my explanation is gonna be dependent on what you wanted from this relationship/her, and dating in general. Are you looking to settle down? If so, was she a promising prospect; or was she just fun in the mean time. Are you still having fun with no intention of settling down? Answer these and I'll tell you how you fared against your goals.

 

[seagull]

deleted

 

[lifeislearning]

Vatoloco makes many good points, but this whole situation would be very different if you just paid heed to the roundish things under your d*ck and acted like a man should.

Saturday night I'm at the bar with a buddy and she walks in with some dude and her friend. I assume it's one of the other dudes she's dating. With the intent of playing it easy, I walked up to her mentioning how I saw her come in and that I just wanted to say hello. She introduced me to the girl she was with but not the guy. I instantly got 'the' vibe and knew I should bow out. I told her it was great seeing her and we'd talk later. As I turned to walk away she gave me a look like WTF. (Perhaps I shouldn't have assumed that the guy was her date, but the vibe was not positive)

I see no issue with approaching her. You know her, she knows you, say hello, thats fine. Actually saying "I just wanted to say hello," or something like that just sounds pathetic, especially if she is with another guy.

Regardless of whether she introduced you to this guy (which she probably didn't because she was embarrassed, or didn't want one of you to know she is dating the other, or some other crazy woman thought) nothing but you is preventing you from introducing yourself in a confident voice and extending your hand for a shake.

This is always my first move when encountering any guy near a girl I'm interested in and it does many things in your favor:

1. You show him you are a man and demand his respect.
If there is some connection between this guy the girl of interest you show him you are not daunted and he needs to be the one nervous of you. If there is no connection, or if he is just an orbiter you show him you are the top dog in the room, and he will never forget that. (I know flings of my ex who STILL cannot look me in the eye.)

2. You show her you are a man unafraid of any rivals.
I don't care if the guy is literally Brad Pitt with a 14 inch d*ck hanging out of his pants, if she thinks she will have more fun, or get better lovin from someone else, then I'll wish her luck. However great another guy is, he is not me, and she will realize that eventually.

3. You show her you are the Alpha wolf, and she will be oh, so turned on by it.
Just be careful, I've had girls literally ask to come home with me after I shook their boyfriend's hand. In front of him. *Ouch* This is where you want to watch out for any very large friends the beta boyfriend may have.

And MOST IMPORTANT OF ALL
4. You show yourself you are unafraid of losing this, or any other girl.
You have looked the greatest fear of most men (ie: losing their woman) in the eye and come out with your head held high. I have had old flings try to rekindle something the next day, texts, calls, sorries, etc. from doing just that, and carrying on a conversation as usual with this bewildered guy. Also note: the longer and more casual the conversation gets, the guy will get increasingly nervous if there is something going on. If he doesn't get nervous you have met a fellow man (these are rare), say goodnight at your leisure and move on.

F*ck the vibe. The vibe exists only as a warning. Sometimes it should be heeded, but often it is merely some vestigial mate-rivalry instinct kicking in. Lions and Neanderthal would fight it out when the vibe was sensed, but you're smarter than that. Hopefully.

In conclusion: act like a man, fear nobody, and never pass a chance to introduce yourself, complete with a handshake, in front of a woman or anybody else you want respect from.

 

[Colossus]

JimmyMack-

I think you played it perfectly. Dont over-think it. That was definitely a guy she was seeing at the bar, you just didnt act in the way she wanted you to. You could have introduced yourself to him, but it wouldnt have made any difference as far as your relationship with her anyway. She was already out the door.

The best part is you werent overly concerned about the outcome from the beginning. She's just one girl, and a DJ doesn't over-analyze any one girl. Plus you put her little test right back in her face by saying you were cool with a casual relationship. WIN!

 

[Julius_Seizeher]

I think seeing you that night was what put the fork in the whole deal.

She may or may not have been into you, but she probably felt slvtty being with one dude and then running into you.

So seeing her that night forced her to make a decision, and she cut you off either out of disinterest or to assuage feelings of slvttiness. Probably both.

That is the conclusion I would come to, after about three seconds of analyzing the whole deal. And then it's over. NEXT!

 

[JimmyMack]

Hey Guys, this is all really good, honest, constructive feedback and I appreciate it.

I keep trying to post replies but they either don't post or it tells me to log in (even after I have) and then the post is lost.

In short, I agree with all the different points made. I feel the biggest test I failed was how I handled the bar situation, and I'm glad it happened because it's something I want to learn from as I'm in a small city and it's bound to happen again with someone else.

I like Vatoloco's approach of the head nog recognition, however I believe my intent was to do the dominant, unintimidated approach that Lifeislearning suggests. In fact, the exact thing that I was thinking was that I wanted to show her that I was indeed "unafraid of any rivals" and that I was "unafraid of losing this girl".

Unfortunately, I had been drinking, and although I wasn't drunk, I felt hyper aware of the situation, and simply put, I was too deep into my own head.

Upon approach, I knew the late returned call had pissed her off, and when she gave the vibe, she instantly won because I let it get in my head. The other guy had turned away from me, and while I wanted to establish dominance I knew that my attempt had already gotten a little pathetic and I needed to cut the loss there. I knew if I handled the situation right, it could have been the game winner, but now I've traded the loss for experience.

Lifeislearning: do you feel my response to her text the next day was a good response given the situation?

This was definitely a great learning experience and I appreciate all the replies. I've deleted her number so there will be no drunk texts or any stupid moves like that.

 

[logic1]

The next time we hook up she tells me that she's dating other people and that she doesn't want me to get hurt.

What happened for her to blurt this out?

If she said it because she thinks she all that and more you are better of not being involved.

 

[mrRuckus]

In defence of OP, is two days really that long? What happened to the DJ maxim of being aloof? Maybe if it had been a week...but just two days?

No, it's not. If you've built attraction levels, she is not going to go anywhere over things so minor unless she's f'd in the head.

You guys need to always remember that almost all this stuff really boils down to how attracted she is to you. Anything else is mostly just BS on top of that.

If she has issues with that sort of thing, then she shouldn't qualify to your standards. Plenty of women who won't give you trouble over stupid crap. Laugh at her as you would a silly child and move on.

 

[Jeffst1980]

I think the problem lies with her. This isn't a standard "loss of interest" story here.

It sounds as though she's very insecure, and, perceiving that you had other options, wanted to try to manipulate you through jealously. If her interest level was high, she would not be interested in other guys--so, either you completely misread her interest, or the "other guys" were designed to make you jealous and try to get you to ask for commitment. I think it's the latter, based on the anger and coldness she exhibited towards you when you saw her. If she really was into another guy and "didn't want you to get hurt," she would've been overly nice when you saw her and saying things like, "I don't want you to hate me."

Sometimes, we spend so much time trying to appear aloof and indifferent that we actually shoot ourselves in the foot---if a girl is angling for a relationship and you act TOO aloof about it, she'll feel rejected, and will eventually move on.

This is all just a guess, but I think she was playing games. You will find out for sure if you go no contact for a few days and she starts calling you, angrily. Remember: Girls that play games lose.

 

[jophil28]

I think the problem lies with her. This isn't a standard "loss of interest" story here.

It sounds as though she's very insecure, and, perceiving that you had other options, wanted to try to manipulate you through jealously. If her interest level was high, she would not be interested in other guys--so, either you completely misread her interest, or the "other guys" were designed to make you jealous and try to get you to ask for commitment. I think it's the latter, based on the anger and coldness she exhibited towards you when you saw her. If she really was into another guy and "didn't want you to get hurt," she would've been overly nice when you saw her and saying things like, "I don't want you to hate me."

Sometimes, we spend so much time trying to appear aloof and indifferent that we actually shoot ourselves in the foot---if a girl is angling for a relationship and you act TOO aloof about it, she'll feel rejected, and will eventually move on.

This is all just a guess, but I think she was playing games. You will find out for sure if you go no contact for a few days and she starts calling you, angrily. Remember: Girls that play games lose.

This post from Jeff reflects my opinion .

I played music for three years in my early twenties and I experienced similar reactions from women.
They want to "know" band guys to take advantage of the spotlight of public popularity. They hope that if they are "with him" then some of the fairy dust will be sprinkled on them too.

The giveaway sign of her jealousy and insecurity was when she said that she was dating other guys and she "didn't want him to get hurt."
That is a buffer against anticipated hurt by HER, and it an attempt to diminish her own jealousy by trying to flip the script on him and regain some sense of control.
That was the pivotal moment when their "relationship" was transformed from sex and fun into her playing mindgames as a power ploy to regain control.

" I want to date other guys", was an attempt to trigger his sense or rivalry and hopefully have him chase her. She was trying to redefine herself as "a prize" to be the object of a male competition.

In my experience any short term "relationship" in place is over at that point.

I would have just agreed with her when she suggested she wanted to date other guys - then lost her number.


Jeff also raises the possibility of her calling the OP again (with or without expressed anger).
That is very likely.

He needs to have his response well prepared to avoid being blindsided.

 

[Frisky]

I have to disagree with a lot of what's been said above. I think there's something missing here. When she was assuming you were sleeping around, I think that was her ascertaining your level of interest.
That's when, I believe, had you wanted to keep going with her, you would have needed to offer exclusivity. She was playing it cool and you missed the cue.

 

[Jamo]

My opinion is very similar to both Jeffst1980, and Jophil28's. She was trying to get a reaction from you that showed u gave a sh1t, no matter how slightly. If you wanted this girl, you overplayed your game (should not follow guides to the letter, those are just founding principles....gotta use ur intuition a bit).

But at least you got some good sex out of it...learn and next time I'm sure I'll do better (assuming better is "exclusivity").

 

[lifeislearning]

Lifeislearning: do you feel my response to her text the next day was a good response given the situation?

This was definitely a great learning experience and I appreciate all the replies. I've deleted her number so there will be no drunk texts or any stupid moves like that.

Eh. Whether that was a good response or not depends on what you want from this situation. Honestly ask yourself what you want from the situation after that night. If you're fine with things ending, have no "what ifs," or "I wish," and you did have fun, then sure you did the right thing.

On the other hand if you're a little hurt and surprised at the end, and you wanted more (as the necessity to delete her number implies) then the old axiom, "You're right. I wanted to bring this up earlier, but I'm glad you did. Bye." would have done more to increase her attraction for you.

On a separate note:
Why are some of you guys getting pissed at this girl like she betrayed him or something? She was dating multiple guys as many of us date multiple girls. Sounds like she didn't meant to hurt the OP, but unfortunately we often hurt others when we spin plates, this is life. They were not exclusive or committed, so I see no fault. Can somebody explain how this anger is anything other than perpetuation of a double standard?

 

[Jamo]

On a separate note:
Why are some of you guys getting pissed at this girl like she betrayed him or something? She was dating multiple guys as many of us date multiple girls. Sounds like she didn't meant to hurt the OP, but unfortunately we often hurt others when we spin plates, this is life. They were not exclusive or committed, so I see no fault. Can somebody explain how this anger is anything other than perpetuation of a double standard?

I am a firm believer that there should be a difference between the way men and women act. When that line is blurred, all sorts of sh1t starts to happen. If you mean spinning plates as having interest in other options then of course that is fine, but if that also means putting out for those dates then that woman would never be worth more than a fvck to me.