Girl hanging out with ex-bfs. Do I have a right to put my foot down?

[viking22]

I'm in a relationship with this girl and she has gone back to her country for a month for the summer. She grew up in her country and from the sound of it she was a bit of a party girl and a bit promiscuous with "badboy" boyfriends who broke her heart.

Anyway she fell really hard for me and was super clingy the whole time she was in my country and even when she was back in her country she emails me everyday. She is also really jealous and all I have to do is mention IM seeing a friend and she says "Is it female?". She's really sweet and loving and tells me she loves me all the time even though we've only been seeing each other for three months.

She goes back to her country and her ex boyfriends keep calling her. A couple of times in her country she's emailed me asking me if it is alright if she goes to a house party an ex boyfriend is throwing with her friends, or if she can see her ex boyfriend for tea in his flat. She claims they are just simple friends now and she loves them like a brother.

She is from a muslim country so men and female can't really hang out in public in the same way so everyone socialises in private houses.

But I still feel a bit uneasy. I know women and if they've been intimate with a guy in the past, she's easy to seduce if you get them alone. I myself in the past have hooked up with ex girlfriends.

I wouldn't worry so much if they were meeting in a cafe or something. But at night, in a private home or at a house party? It sounds a recipe for trouble.

Should I just play it cool and trust her? Or should I tell her that I do not think it is appropriate for her to socialise with ex boyfriends?

 

[scrouds]

Your problem is trying to maintain a long distance relationship.

uhhh spin more plates, etc

 

[Bible_Belt]

The difficulty with trying to order her around is that she is far away, and you really have no idea what she is up to.

She is also really jealous


There's the real problem - it's the double standard. Different guys would handle this differently, but my way would be to start hanging out with my own ex-girlfriends until it drove her insane. Fight fire with fire.

 

[Salamence]

from experience this sh1t is a bad idea

don't let her do this unless they are like best friends or something

 

[viking22]

Well in a way Im pleased she at least tried to ask my permission rather than doing it behind my back. She's crazy in love with me so I imagine she just wants some male attention rather than having any real intention to cheat.

Like Bible Belt says it is double standards. She's always on about how she doesn't trust me and thinks im a bit of a player and if for whatever reason i forget to reply to a text she goes mad and accuses me of cheating.

I tried to explain the double standards to her but she didn't get it. So I said that if she wants to see her ex tonight, ill see my ex. She said "She'll be busy". I replied "Trust me she'll drop everything if I rang". She said "Oh the russian slyt who wants you back?". I said "You betcha" And she said "Please don't. I promise I won't go to the party".

I don't really like fighting fire with fire but she wants a commitment much more than I do so to be honest im not too fussed.

 

[Salamence]

Well in a way Im pleased she at least tried to ask my permission rather than doing it behind my back. She's crazy in love with me so I imagine she just wants some male attention rather than having any real intention to cheat.

Like Bible Belt says it is double standards. She's always on about how she doesn't trust me and thinks im a bit of a player and if for whatever reason i forget to reply to a text she goes mad and accuses me of cheating.

I tried to explain the double standards to her but she didn't get it. So I said that if she wants to see her ex tonight, ill see my ex. She said "She'll be busy". I replied "Trust me she'll drop everything if I rang". She said "Oh the russian slyt who wants you back?". I said "You betcha" And she said "Please don't. I promise I won't go to the party".

I don't really like fighting fire with fire but she wants a commitment much more than I do so to be honest im not too fussed.

sounds fishy

it's always the girls accusing you that are fvckin behind your back cuz she thinks that since she can't control herself then you must not be able to either

 

[KontrollerX]

Tell her once to stop doing this.

If she doesn't listen dump that b!tch and never ever EVER go back with her in the future.

A man that keeps his word and moves on to something new never has to re-live the same nightmare and frustration that lesser men subject themselves to for lack of options.

 

[Energizer]

Go no contact and play the field mate, chicks aren't worth this much hassle.

 

[kingy]

shes low-self esteem, run a mile, it will save you a HUGE headache.

 

[Bible_Belt]

Well in a way Im pleased she at least tried to ask my permission rather than doing it behind my back. She's crazy in love with me so I imagine she just wants some male attention rather than having any real intention to cheat.

Like Bible Belt says it is double standards. She's always on about how she doesn't trust me and thinks im a bit of a player and if for whatever reason i forget to reply to a text she goes mad and accuses me of cheating.

I tried to explain the double standards to her but she didn't get it. So I said that if she wants to see her ex tonight, ill see my ex. She said "She'll be busy". I replied "Trust me she'll drop everything if I rang". She said "Oh the russian slyt who wants you back?". I said "You betcha" And she said "Please don't. I promise I won't go to the party".

I don't really like fighting fire with fire but she wants a commitment much more than I do so to be honest im not too fussed.

Excellent. Well done. I remember that a girl I was dating once told me that she liked being single and thinking of herself as a single woman. Without hesitation, I said, "ok! No problem. But if you are single, then I am single, too." She changed her mind very quickly when she realized that I would actually go date someone else. Attractive women are not accustomed to that at all.

Now tonight, when she should be at the party, text or call her to tell her something extra sweet, that she is the only girl you want, something like that. This is push-pull and it is rewarding her good behavior. You want to alternate between being a loving, caring boyfriend when she is good and the indifferent jerk who runs off with another girl as soon as she is bad. You have to be able to keep yourself emotionally detached. It is cold, but it works.

 

[Don Israel]

Not only is it your right, it's your responsibility to put your foot down. talking to an ex for business purposes is fine, or even catching up is fine. Hanging out with an ex? HA! no way

 

[viking22]

Bible Belt well I know how to deal with her now if she does start talking about seeing other men. For the most part I do have the power in this relationship because she likes me a whole lot more than I like her.

The episode has made me wonder if she can be trusted. While she does not have any ex boyfriends in England she is starting college in the UK in October and in that sort of environment there are lots of predatory men and a lot of peer pressure to be promiscuous. She is easily influenced and led.

Usually in this sort of situation I'd spin plates and see other women and not care what she does. But there is no way she'd accept this arrangement because she loves me and is very jealous. And if I see girls behind her back it is pretty dishonest and I do not want to hurt her.

I do not really want to let her go just yet because she is a lot of fun and a total sweetheart, incredibly affectionate and thinks the world of me. She also makes a huge effort to look amazing each time I see her and we have amazing chemistry.

 

[shaunuk]

Erm, so I take it soon she's going to England to study in any case? OK, this is deifinitely dead then -- what's even the point of continuing it? Surely you can see that. You'll get over it quickly too, because you won't see her.

Where in the UK is she going btw?

 

[viking22]

She's studying in London, where I live. Before she went back to her country for holidays she was living in London.

 

[schttrj]

Don't go for long distance relationships...they are time-consuming and travailing...!

Go for the easy ones (remember, beautiful women though), and don't ever believe a woman by her words, judge her by her actions.

There's an adage: if she doesn't act on her desires, she's not worth it.

 

[lghost]

Oh Oh Oh!! Lemme try, Lemme try...

She asked you for permission?

Her: Do you mind if I talk to my ex-bfs or guys as friends?

You: Whos your daddy (man, bf, w/e)?

Her: You are

You: They why would I mind?

She wouldn't dare cheat on you, as long as you act like you really don't mind. To be really successful with woman, understand women are stupid and you shouldnt worry about nothing. The more you worry the more the attraction fades. I don't care what anyone says, you really can't hide your emotions from them. You are on the upper hand with this out of town thing. You could toy with her emotions so bad she will fly to see you on the weekends. Me on the other hand...

LGhost: I know this long distance thing is hard for you so until we see eachother again, I want you to do your thing.

Her: What thing? (wonders how much LGhost really cares)

LGhost: I want you to have fun (say it before she can ***** about it); look Carly I gotta get back to this movie (ouch!), ill talk to you later sweets...

LGhost can't be thinking too much to play with her mind so he just gets off the phone and lets her do all the work...

 

[viking22]

Lghost your perspective is interesting.

I assumed that she asked me for permission because she wanted a free pass to fool around with her ex. So if I said yes I assumed she'd think "Well he obviously doesn't care so I'm not doing anything wrong".

With BibleBelt's technique Im communicating that I do care by punishing her and saying I will go and hang out with my ex girlfriends.

With your method it seems to be encouraging her to cheat. Although I do understand that in the process my indifference will make her more attracted.

Also can you explain a bit more how I can use my upper hand to toy with her emotions.

I like your sentence about "I want you to have fun". I can see how it would make her think "Hmm is he planning to have "fun" too?" and make her more jealous. But I do not understand how her jealousy translates into her not cheating. Surely it will just escalate to a situation where we just cheat on each other all the time trying to make the other person jealous.

She's back in the UK in two weeks so her exes will be out of the picture.

 

[viking22]

Damn I let her win.

I got drunk last night and forgot all the advice and started an argument about her ex boyfriends. It turned nasty and she said it was finished between us.
The next day she tells me she wants some advice. She says that she's been talking to her friend's ex boyfriend and she thinks she likes him and he's been asking about her breasts and they are meeting on thursday in his house and he asked her to wear stockings and she'll have to kiss him or he will give her bruises (don't ask...i have no idea what she is on about). She wanted to know if it was unfair to her friend because her friend still liked this guy.

Maybe she was bluffing but there was a ring of truth to this and I knew id totally blown it the night before and with women their interest level can go from sky high to zero in the space of a day.

Either way my trust for her has evaporated completely and even if she turned around and said she was only bluffing and didn't see this guy I wouldn't believe her.

Yes I probably should have asked for an open relationship before she left for her country. But when I care about a girl Im a jealous guy and i wouldn't have been able to handle that just like I cannot handle this.

Deep down I know that she started this when she started talking about her exes. If she hadn't done that I would have had no reason to doubt her.

But I totally lost it and let my emotions override the sound advice i got on here.

But i cannot help feeling this girl was untrustworthy anyway and i dodged a bullet.

 

[Mr_rogers]

Well, you sorta did dodge a bullet, but you got hit by one too. As for her asking for advice... bleh. Whatever, ignore it. Whatever she's on about with the bruises and that kind of thing is no longer your problem. You're single again. Go have some fun.

 

[Energizer]

And this percisely why you should avoid relationships at all costs.

This woman is clearly mentally unstable and count yourself fortunate you didn't go further and deeper into things, you would have been far worse off.

Rid this girl from your life, delete her number, delete her msn address from your msn account, delete her facebook/myspace and go play the field.