Originally posted by Reto
Thanx for the reply...
I don't know why it's bothering me so much. Several months ago I thought about getting rid of her. She's got some baggage, she's an attention wh0re, and she has a history of cheating...
I guess it's the deception/lying. Who likes being lied to...
Dear Reto,
You may be here for a little more than just advice. I think you are here because you are in pain and you need consolation. We all do. I'm glad you are talking it all out because that is the way to go. Some folks would rather bottle it all in and tell no one else until they can no longer take it and do things to worsen there situation.
Here's the deal. Whenever someone answers "nothing," that indicates a lack of candidness. There is
always something to tell when you see the behavior of someone you know changes with you all of a sudden. It is always, a thought, a recalculation, or a change in events that erupted long-muffled emotions. So, you know there is something with your woman. Trust that feeling because it is not the production of your own illusions. You certainly didn't sense that the other times. You did now!
You said you didn't trust her. Well, did you ask yourself why? Did you ask yourself what would it take for you to be able to trust her? Did you ask yourself if you could ever trust her? And most importantly, did you ask yourself how long you could be with someone you couldn't trust and at what cost?
Demonizing her as a wh0re won't help you a bit. It is only a way for you to convince yourself that the problem is her, not you. Well, I agree with you that her cheating is her fault, but there is far much more you could do to remain the master of your own domain and remain at the center of yourself and be the man you have come to this site hoping to be.
Here's what you can do: Think deeply to yourself and decide why you are with this woman. Try to decide exactly if she is really the one for you. From what I heard, she isn't. Again, that is your call to make. She seems unstable, and she may feel intimidated and scared to settle in for anyone or may be you in particular. Yet, I wouldn't advise you to contemplate and dwell on her own past traumas. I would advise you to confront her peacefully and kindly. No nasty confrontations can produce a healthy relationship. You may be successful at make her feel exposed, but that will only make her hang on to you out of shame and guilt, not love and admiration.
If you want the love and admiration, then there is only one way to do it, assuming your relationship stands the chance for love. Call her, talk to her, or go over, and tell her that you want to talk. Express to her that there are things you want to talk to her about.
Do not ask her questions. That will put her on the definsive, which ultimately gives her the upper hand. Simply tell her how you feel. Do not imply in any way that you want some reconciliation or attention. Most importantly, make sure you don't tell her that you "don't want attention and reconciliation."
Simply be candid and tell her that you have liked her and for a long time, you have had a hard time trusting her. It is not important to explain to her your reasons for not trusting her. Do not go in details. Just tell her that. Now, tell her that you have been on your toes that she may have been seeing someone else, and now you have observed a change in her attitude and behavior. Tell her that you are not comfortable with her answers and you are not going to pursue her answers any longer because it isn't fair for your or her. The final thing is that you need to tell her that you cannot spend all the time second-guessing her and living in fear. This is the time you are going to end the relationship to make the decissions for the both of you easier.
Fellow, you will be in pain, but you will have done the decent thing in your relationship. You will have exited the relationship as a confident gentleman, whom will be admired. It will leave you in control and you will have 100% of your dignity and self-esteem even if she was indeed cheating. It is tough to do, but you will have to believe in yourself. I cannot predict her reaction. It may be mellow or dramatic. Either way, do not accept immediate reconciliation even if you knew for sure that she was not cheating. In case she isn't cheating, still give her time to think to herself and to resolve some of her issues and learn how to communicate with you and give you more respect when you are with her. You deserve that respect. You don't deserve to be played around with like a yo-yo.
You will have to be strong.
Take care,
Nour
