Girl friend cheating?

[Reto]

Thanx guys. Yes, I am here to try to make sense of things.

She only got to the half way house on friday. So, it's still pretty soon.

Jet you got it wrong. It is a disease. I won't go into detail of all the problems drinking has caused her.

When I drink, I may have a couple every night. And even get drunk on the week-ends.

When she drinks, it's 24/7. I'm 40 years old and have done some serious partying in my life. I've never seen anything like it. This past time when I took her to the ER, her blood alcohol level was .36. The time before, .456. No kidding. They couldn't understand why she wasn't dead. The crazy thing about it is when you drink like that for 3 weeks straight, you can walk, talk and have a decent conversation. Your body has adapted to it.

Once she starts, she just can't stop. Yeah, she may start as a symptom, but when you can't stop, that's a disease.

Thinking about this week-end, I think that's what's going on. They told her she had to get rid of me, but she can't. If that's what it's gonna take for her to get better, I'm ok with it.

So, I'm gonna give her some space/time, let her get her life together. If she can't stop drinking, I won't be able to sit around and watch her kill herself.

The reality is, I've lost her. One way or the other...

 

[myfriendblu]

im smelling a touch of oneitis here....uh o

 

[Reto]

No. No oneitis...

I've been there before. I got her by using DJ principles...

I have thought some of my recent worrying is a little AFC. But what can I say, I care about her and want her to get better. Think if your girl was sick and in the hospital...

 

[Jet Jockey]

Hey Reto I do understand. If my girl was sick and in the hospital..yes I'd want to be there fo her. I am not so blatantly selfish and worried about my own self so much that I can't at least understand and even be there...but

But in this case, you need some tough love.

That might even mean nexting her. If she strapped a bomb to herself would you stay with her and get blown to pieces too..or would you say..look i care alot about ya..love ya to death, but I think I'll stand over here!!!

I'd stand over here!

She must have some componet of obsessive- compulsive personality. That would explain the cheating, the drinking and the attention wh0re stuff. Like I said before..she has some deep seated issues. Nobody drinks that much unless thay are trying to forget something, they are in a great deal of emotional pain, or they are just plain suicidal. Think about it.

She needs to see a counselor. You are right, you need to stand over here ( bomb analogy). She is a self sabotaging person. Gets a good relationship...goes out and cheats. Drinking makes her feel good and forget about things....so she drinks so much she hurts herself even more..and those around her. The attention wh0re bit..that is the feel sorry for me, look what I did syndrome. Fact is, those that just want to cop a cheap lay or whatever will tell her anything she wants to hear. Those that truly care will stand firm..maybe catch up with her later, but I'd be very leary even then. It sounds like you are playing with fire here.

I know it sucks. you put all this time and effort into someone..and they basically rip everything down around you. Remember you didn't make her drink. You didn't make her cheat. She knows right from wrong, since she is a adult. Maybe she needs help. It's ultimatley her choice, not yours. I'd stand over here before the bomb goes off!

 

[myfriendblu]

Originally posted by Jet Jockey
She must have some componet of obsessive- compulsive personality. That would explain the cheating, the drinking and the attention wh0re stuff.

I would say its a little more than just obsessive compulsive disorder. Throw in a little depression illness, and a little addiction, which Im sure is genetic (drinking runs in her family, Id bet anything on it). So there ya go. All in all, your not her therapist or here to save her. She is not your Trinity, Neo

Let it go, move on to the next ho.

 

[Reto]

Thanks guys. You all are right.

I won't go in to detail why she drinks. She is definitely trying to forget stuff.

And yes. Her whole family has a drinking problem.

I got to thinking last night. She really isn't what I want in a girl friend. I think I'm hanging on because there there is something in my self conscious that want's to make her better. To help her. Be her savior. But we know that's no gonna happen. I mean if I hang in there, I'm setting myself up for abuse and more heart ache.

I just want some closure...

 

[Reto]

I was just sitting here reading some posts and it dawned on me. My next girl friend isn't gonna have the baggage this one did!

She's out there. Tmes a wasting. Gotta go find her!!!

Thanx again

 

[Squid]

I dated a girl just like this once. She was an attention wh## that would get drunk five days out of the week. Seemed like fun at first, going out and partying put it became tiring. She also liked to party with her guy friends at work, well, guess what I walked in on one night after she went out for drinks.

This girl would get really depressed when she would drink, I stuck around through the cycle for months thinking that I could help her, that if I left then I was a bad person for not sticking it out. Well look how I was rewarded. You have to take care of yourself, I know it sounds selfish, but it's true.

If you stick it out with her it will be a lifetime of fighting this, you need to decide if she is really worth that. Trust your gut instinct, it is almost always right.

 

[Cremasta]

Originally posted by Reto
The reality is, I've lost her. One way or the other...

WRONG!!! The reality is, She has lost you!

Good to see you are now looking forward, she sounds like she was more work than she was worth.

Just in the future, if you get this weird feeling in your gut that there is something wrong with your relationship (even if you can't exactly put your finger on it), then there probably is. I have ignored this feeling in the past to my own detriment. When it comes to questions about feelings, women do not ever give one word answers like "Nothing", there is always an explanation or a story to tell. A simple "nothing" means she doesn't want to/can't tell you.

 

[Reto]

Thanx again.

Squid that's exactly my situation...

And you are right. Trust your gut feeling. I've just got to remember that...

Yep. She's the one that lost...

 

[ndouchi]

Originally posted by Reto
Thanks guys. You all are right.

I won't go in to detail why she drinks. She is definitely trying to forget stuff.

And yes. Her whole family has a drinking problem.

I got to thinking last night. She really isn't what I want in a girl friend. I think I'm hanging on because there there is something in my self conscious that want's to make her better. To help her. Be her savior. But we know that's no gonna happen. I mean if I hang in there, I'm setting myself up for abuse and more heart ache.

I just want some closure...

Dear Reto,

I was glad to read this post of yours. Just watch out from any relapses. You are emotionally weak, now, and you miss her. I would be lying if I told you that you would get over her soon. The truth is with every breaking love, there is a permenant wound, but hang on to the thought that there would be far more accomplished for you being out of a relationship, one in which you are always tormented and you cannot get close enough because you just can't have enough trust. That is a dysfunctional relationship.

A final advice, make sure in the future you do not joke with your woman about her being on a date with another man. This is not a subject or a thought you ever want to ridicule and if it is a fear of yours, this is certainly not a way to express forward to a woman whose heart you want to win. If you must express that fear, then, do it in a way that she will empethize you, respect and uphold your feelings, and most importantly, honor them with loyalty, not with a laughter.

Sincerely,

Nour

 

[Reto]

Thanx Nour,

Yeah. I agree. See, we have always joke about "dates". I mean she says the same to me. What did you do last night/ Have a hot date?

You know. I don't think I'll have a permanent wound. I think of it has knowledge. I've learned to recognise some new red flags. That happens with all relationships. The one I had before was a serious oneitis situation. I've learned ( from this board) what to look for and how to handle. I won't do that again. And if I meet another woman who has true substance abuse problems, I'll back out of it gracefully.

By the way, I got on yahoo personals and looked in my neighborhood. Man there are tons of hotties out there waiting for me!

Last time I talked to my girl, she said "I'll call you". I'm not going to call her. I'll let you guys know if she ever does... Anyone wanna bet if and when she does?

 

[myfriendblu]

Originally posted by Reto
Thanks guys. You all are right.

I won't go in to detail why she drinks. She is definitely trying to forget stuff.

And yes. Her whole family has a drinking problem.

I

I knew it


Good job on you moving on. Its never easy, even when the girl is a mess. pat yourself on the back.

Since im on a psychic thing here, is she a victim of past abuse? I got the feeling she is......

 

[chlywly]

Worrying and caring about her is not AFC, give her space time, she needs to move on with her own life. You as well.

 

[Reto]

I don't know about the abuse thing...I do know she lost her virginity at a young age.

When I first started seeing her, my sister mentioned that if she parties like she does, no telling how many times she's been "taken advantage" of. Possibly even raped. Her point was use a condom.

 

[Reto]

I was right

I was right. She came by and gave me the news.

Yes. She found someone else...Someone who is in recovery also.

At least now I'm free of that baggage...

 

[Reto]

I re-read this whole thread and can't beleive it...

Why did I put up with so much crap for so long? There are too many women out there to settle for someone with so many problems...

Thanx all for your input...

 

[Squid]

lol, It's almost kinda funny how I went through the exact same thing two years ago. You will look back and thank god over and over that you got out of this relationship, believe me! Even if it doesn't seem that way now.

I look back and think "why did I put up with all that crap?". Well, the good thing is now you know what to watch out for, and that you will never put up with that type of BS again. I now can spot these type of women almost immediately after having gone through the BS.

 

[Reto]

I even went back and looked at some of my posts from the past year...

I couldn't count how many times someone told me to next her...

 

[Jet Jockey]

Don't be to hard on yourself Reto... Its easy to see selectively, when YOu are the one in the failing relationship. Fact is, you at least Saw it for what it was when you went back thru and looked. You'll be alright! Just take what you have learned, and go get you a HB and chill....A year from now, when you are out with her, you'll look at her and thank God she doesn't have the problems the last one did! Peace!