gf started/is starting to smoke socially

[firstbornunicorn]

First time was a few months ago. She mentioned she tried a cigarette for the first time (she's 23) when a friend of hers asked her if she wanted to try outside a club.

Then last night whilst she was out she texted me saying she smoked an entire one by herself.

The same friends are responsible for pressuring her into this.

I don't like it and this is a dealbreaker for me. Since it's literally only been twice, how do I stop it in its tracks right now?

Kind of a coincidence but just yesterday she said she wanted me to be more controlling. I don't like being controlling, but in this case I feel that I have to for a couple reasons, main one being that it's ridiculously unhealthy & I love her too much to let her friends do this to her.

I don't like those friends at all (they are nice people during the day but go a bit too wild when out partying). They do much harder drugs regularly like cocaine, etc. She's gone out with them before but she only accepted the cigarettes recently, I fear that they will keep pushing for harder stuff. I don't want to date someone that smokes & does drugs. Slippery slope thinking, but it's not a wild thought.

What do?

 

[Konada]

Let her know explicitly that smoking and drugs are a dealbreaker with you and let her decide.

If she respects you enough she will know not to hang herself with the rope you have given her.

 

[Machine10033]

Set boundaries.... I don’t date girls that smoke... hate cigarette smoke.

tell her good bye and if she stops smoking for you then continue dating her... if not.. don’t. Not much more you can do.

 

[firstbornunicorn]

Spoke about it. She said she wouldn't do it again.

But the issue here wasn't her smoking. It was her smoking after saying early on that she would never smoke.

I told her I now can't really trust what she says & will definitely be less comfortable with her going out. I wouldn't forbid her from going out because I'm not controlling, but I definitely like it less and respect her less. She was apologetic and wants to gain my trust back and I told her I think time will do it. Maybe it will, maybe it won't. I'll see.

 

[AureliusMaximus]

I don't like it and this is a dealbreaker for me. Since it's literally only been twice, how do I stop it in its tracks right now?

Cigarettes' are like any addiction; alcohol, crack, coke, weed, food whatever. Once you done it and pushed over the edge (E.I. got addicted). you will never fully get rid of it completely.

You will always have a soft side for it.

With smokes especially in social settings like parties. Cigarettes' and alcohol is like Cheech and Chong = best buddies forever.
So it is hard to resist/stop. Even after 20 years of being free for it you can/will have some craving for it.

Best you can do is to support her to stop that shiete. But as with everything, no one can really help them stop it. It has to come from deep within themselves the will to stop the bad habit. So the choice must be an 100% internal choice.

 

[Black Widow Void]

I’m not sure who appears more impressionable.

You mentioned that she’s 23 years old; which would indicate an adult of sound mind. However, you have the impression that she was “pressured?” This seems a little old to be worried about getting shunned by her peers.

Here’s the reality. She’s an adult. She made a choice to try cigarettes. You are also an adult. You have the choice to accept her lifestyle choices or not accept her lifestyle choices.

This is probably just some phase. Be thankful that she didn’t get a tattoo, become ‘born again’ or a television addict.

 

[EyeBRollin]

“I don’t date women who smoke cigarettes. I don’t want to see or smell this again.”

Then when you catch her smoking agin you walk. She already chose the cigarettes over you, OP. This one is over. Be prepared to dump her.

 

[FlexpertHamilton]

“I don’t date women who smoke cigarettes. I don’t want to see or smell this again.”

Then when you catch her smoking agin you walk. She already chose the cigarettes over you, OP. This one is over. Be prepared to dump her.

I agree with this but he should still explain to her why she's making a mistake and try to guide her away first. Suggest she take up hookah or nicotine gum or vapes instead.

 

[StacksHitEmUp]

Let her know explicitly that smoking and drugs are a dealbreaker with you and let her decide.

If she respects you enough she will know not to hang herself with the rope you have given her.

Or she will simply hide it from him. In the end, no matter what boundaries you set, if she REALLY wants to do something, she will end up doing it whether he set a boundary or not. Especially things like cigarettes and cocaine etc. It’s just one smoke or one line. Everyone’s on drugs anyway.

 

[DEEZEDBRAH]

First time was a few months ago. She mentioned she tried a cigarette for the first time (she's 23) when a friend of hers asked her if she wanted to try outside a club.

Then last night whilst she was out she texted me saying she smoked an entire one by herself.

The same friends are responsible for pressuring her into this.

I don't like it and this is a dealbreaker for me. Since it's literally only been twice, how do I stop it in its tracks right now?

Kind of a coincidence but just yesterday she said she wanted me to be more controlling. I don't like being controlling, but in this case I feel that I have to for a couple reasons, main one being that it's ridiculously unhealthy & I love her too much to let her friends do this to her.

I don't like those friends at all (they are nice people during the day but go a bit too wild when out partying). They do much harder drugs regularly like cocaine, etc. She's gone out with them before but she only accepted the cigarettes recently, I fear that they will keep pushing for harder stuff. I don't want to date someone that smokes & does drugs. Slippery slope thinking, but it's not a wild thought.

What do?

Da f is your girl doin at the club???

She should be chained to the kitchen sink and or you bed post. Srs

 

[DEEZEDBRAH]

Or she will simply hide it from him. In the end, no matter what boundaries you set, if she REALLY wants to do something, she will end up doing it whether he set a boundary or not. Especially things like cigarettes and cocaine etc. It’s just one smoke or one line. Everyone’s on drugs anyway.

You miss the point. Comply or bye.

He sets boundaries. She complies or is sent back to the streets.

Hotter girls are turning 18 everyday.

 

[firstbornunicorn]

Da f is your girl doin at the club???

She should be chained to the kitchen sink and or you bed post. Srs

I don't want to make rules for her. She blows her friends off to be with me without me asking plenty of times. Many times she goes out with her friends and I go out with mine and we meet afterwards. Am I making a mistake here?

Hotter girls are turning 18 everyday.

Yup.

 

[BadWatermelon]

I don't like those friends at all (they are nice people during the day but go a bit too wild when out partying). They do much harder drugs regularly like cocaine, etc. She's gone out with them before but she only accepted the cigarettes recently, I fear that they will keep pushing for harder stuff. I don't want to date someone that smokes & does drugs. Slippery slope thinking, but it's not a wild thought.

Dude. I wouldn't want her hanging out with people like that. It's tough, but she's gonna have to distance herself from that group, or else she'll start using just like the rest of them.

 

[FlexpertHamilton]

You miss the point. Comply or bye.

He sets boundaries. She complies or is sent back to the streets.

Hotter girls are turning 18 everyday.

The issue is that they'll just go behind your back and you won't even know. People don't want to do what they're told.

 

[zekko]

Suggest she take up hookah or nicotine gum or vapes instead.

She's only had two cigarettes, she shouldn't need nicotine gum. And vaping is just another bad habit. Seems like she's taken to the cigarettes though, the way she followed up the first one with another. Especially for certain personality types, cigarettes can be terribly addicting. She's an adult though, she can do what she wants. And the OP says it's a dealbreaker for him, so it's up to him to follow up on it. I hope for her sake she stays away from it.

 

[Gamisch]

Spoke about it. She said she wouldn't do it again.

But the issue here wasn't her smoking. It was her smoking after saying early on that she would never smoke.

I told her I now can't really trust what she says & will definitely be less comfortable with her going out. I wouldn't forbid her from going out because I'm not controlling, but I definitely like it less and respect her less. She was apologetic and wants to gain my trust back and I told her I think time will do it. Maybe it will, maybe it won't. I'll see.

Yeah bro , I recognize this type of situation. I dont think it's just the smoking , it's the whole scenery behind it that bothers you. I mean , 23 is a strange age to start smoking, and if there are friends doing drugs ect it might be a sign she is slowly changing her identity . I like this thread though, bc it teaches us that a woman can come up with all sorts of bs from different angles to warm you up for worst news to come.

Maybe I am going to far in my mind ,but it feels like these friends are a bad influence. And we all know that once a woman opens up for bad influences, it's hard to get her back on the "right" path.

 

[firstbornunicorn]

Yeah bro , I recognize this type of situation. I dont think it's just the smoking , it's the whole scenery behind it that bothers you. I mean , 23 is a strange age to start smoking, and if there are friends doing drugs ect it might be a sign she is slowly changing her identity . I like this thread though, bc it teaches us that a woman can come up with all sorts of bs from different angles to warm you up for worst news to come.

Exactly. And when I met her she hadn't even tried a cigarette and seemed proud of it. I know people change and my expectations are always around zero, but still.

Maybe I am going to far in my mind ,but it feels like these friends are a bad influence. And we all know that once a woman opens up for bad influences, it's hard to get her back on the "right" path.

The thing is she doesn't even like them. They're always out super late and she'd rather be in relatively early to be up early too and not waste a saturday/sunday. She didn't even wanna go out that night but I told her to go.

 

[Konada]

Exactly. And when I met her she hadn't even tried a cigarette and seemed proud of it. I know people change and my expectations are always around zero, but still.


The thing is she doesn't even like them. They're always out super late and she'd rather be in relatively early to be up early too and not waste a saturday/sunday. She didn't even wanna go out that night but I told her to go.

Damn she handed you the option for her to stay away from her friends on a silver platter and you told her to go?

Something doesn't add up here.

 

[firstbornunicorn]

Damn she handed you the option for her to stay away from her friends on a silver platter and you told her to go?

Something doesn't add up here.

well I'm not her dad.

 

[StacksHitEmUp]

well I'm not her dad.

Exactly. Men out here trying to control women like they're army generals. I set a few boundaries, nothing extreme, but if I feel like I have to manage her like a child she gotta go. Men out here trying to change the woman they're with. I allow freedom, if I have to correct her 24/7 that means we are not compatible, have different morals and want and expect different things. I will simply move on if this is the case, instead of trying to force her to be something she clearly isn't. Managing the **** outof her might work at first, but soon she'll rebel as she will feel smothered, controlled and in turn lose respect for you. Forcing her to be something also demonstrates you have very few options as you need her to be someone else than she originally is, instead of actually going with someone who fits your idea of a good, suitable woman for you. You buy a relationship, not build one.